I turned my face away. “Don’t look at me when I say this.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to see your face.”
He sighed then turned to the left, staring at the TV.
“I…when I was at the frat party I was given roofies…the date-rape drug. I was dragged into a room where I was raped…by five different guys.” Acid burned on my tongue and moved to my stomach, making me sick. I hated saying it out loud. More tears fell down my face. “I was tied up and I couldn’t move. I passed out a few times. When I woke up, they were gone.”
Ash didn’t look at me. His face was still directed to the TV. His breathing changed, becoming deeper and heavier. His hands curled into fists before he relaxed them. Then he pressed his palms to his face, rubbing his eyebrows and cheeks.
I waited for him to react, to scream.
He folded his hands together and rested them on his knees. I couldn’t see his face so I couldn’t gauge his reaction. Was he disgusted with me? Did he hate me? Was he embarrassed I was his sister?
“I was such a fucking asshole to you…” His voice came out as whisper. “I made you pick me up at parties…the one you were raped at…I gave you shit every day for being a loner. I…I was a dick.”
“You didn’t know.” I sniffed.
“Even so...” He covered his face again and sighed.
I patiently waited for him to gather his bearings. I was glad I couldn’t see his face. The disappointment would be too much.
Ash finally turned to me, his eyes red and the moisture building. “I’m so sorry.”
Seeing him cry made me cry. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“No.” He took a deep breath and stilled his emotions. “I’m glad you did. I needed to know.”
“I’m sorry I kept it from you.”
“I understand why you did.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. “I’m so sorry, Liv. I…that shouldn’t have happened.”
“I know.” Feeling my brother’s chest made me feel better. It was nice to be open about what happened, to just admit it to the closest person to me. My brother hardly ever hugged me, so when he did I knew it was because he wanted to. Seeing the tears on his face burned a hole in my heart. The last time he cried he was eight years old and I threw his favorite baseball into the lake. He never forgave me for it.
“I love you so much, Liv. That will never change.”
That was a relief.
“And I don’t see you differently…”
I relaxed into his chest.
“Please forgive me for everything I did.”
“It’s forgotten.”
“Did you call the police when it happened?” Judging the sadness in his tone, I knew he already suspected the answer.
“No.”
“Who was it?”
It was Scotty all over again. “I didn’t know their names.” My brother was crazy. I could control Scotty because he loved me, but I couldn’t control Ash in the same way. He was like a firecracker that could go off any second. And he was in medical school. I didn’t want him to jeopardize his future over this.
“Do you know what they look like?”
“No…it was all a blur.”
He sighed. “It’s too late to report it to the police.”
“I wouldn’t even know who to identify.”
“Damn.” He seemed worked up over this.
“Ash, I’m fine. I wasn’t for the past six months but Scotty has really put me back together. With him, I feel alive again. I’m not scared and he doesn’t pressure me to do something I’m uncomfortable with.”
“That’s ironic.”
“What?”
“He used to be the biggest manwhore and now he’s being patient with you. It’s crazy how much a single girl can change a guy.”
“Well, I’m special to him.”
“Clearly.” There was no sarcasm in his voice.
I grabbed his hand. “Let’s just move on, okay?”
He sighed. “I wish you had told me sooner. I could have helped you, not picked on you.”
“What’s done is done.”
“If you remember who they are or see them around campus, I want to know. I will rip their faces off.”
I knew it wasn’t an idle threat. “I know.”
He closed my hand with both of his. “I love you.” He never said that to me. It was something we only exchanged in intense moments, like when the other one had hit their lowest point.
“I love you too.”
Now that my brother knew, the weight on my chest had been lifted. I felt a million times better. Somehow, telling him and Scotty was therapeutic. Admitting it out loud made it real, but it almost reminded me it was in the past. The more time I said it, the less painful it was.
I was in a much better mood over the next few days at school. There was a skip in my step and I was happy. Whenever I was with Scotty, I was at my prime. He made me laugh and melt at the same time. He was my prince charming, my hero. I never expected to find a relationship with him, but now he was my best friend. And he was my lover.
I loved fooling around with him. It didn’t scare me in the least. It wasn’t even comparable to that horrific night. It was beautiful and intimate. Scotty stared at me, watching my reaction to everything he did. He was always gentle, always making sure it was what I really wanted. I never felt rushed or pressured. He’d wait an eternity until I was ready.
But I think I am ready.
I was ready to join my soul with his, to finally take the big step to my recovery. I didn’t just want him in a sexual way. I wanted all of him, to feel him like I’d never felt anyone before. He was everything to me and I was madly in love. It’s what I wanted.
When I went to the library to study, all I could think about was Scotty. I imagined how he would feel leaning over me. I wanted to feel him between my legs, stretching me in a gentle and good way. His lips would make love to mine and our bodies would move together.
My thoughts were in the gutter.
Every time I tried to focus again, I imagined Scotty naked. I remembered every inch of his skin. His muscles were packed and strong. Sometimes he reminded me of a grizzly bear when he was particularly aroused. He had a glint in his eye, like he wanted to take me and not stop. But he never acted on it and kept his restraint.
I decided to give up. I shut my books and packed them in my bag. I clearly was going to get nothing done today. Scotty’s imaginary tongue was moving all over my body, exciting me in ways only his presence could do. I missed him and wanted to see him. I spent nearly all my time with him but it was never enough. I left the library and walked down the path to my car. The leaves were starting to turn red and gold, and the breeze was in the air. Thanksgiving was just a day away and my parents hadn’t called me. I thought my mom would reach out to me and apologize but she never did. I was just the black sheep of the family—an embarrassment.
When I got to my car, something made my hair stand on end.
“Livia.”
I recognized the voice. I could pick it out in a crowd. I turned around, seeing my worse nightmare.
Jacob was just a few feet away. His eyes were the same crystal blue as they always were. His size was the same. His hair was a little shorter, but besides that, he looked identical to the time I used to know him.
“Get away from me.” I was instantly in fight or flight mode. I wanted to unlock my car and get inside but I didn’t want to turn my back on him.
“I just want to talk.” He stepped closer to me.
This guy ruined my life. I didn’t want to talk. Without thinking, I grabbed my keys and held them with the tips out, using them as a weapon. “Stay back.”
He held his hands in the air. “I’m not going to hurt you, Livia. Just give me a chance to talk.”
“Just go away.”
“I’m sorry!”
I stilled at his voice.
“I wanted to apologize.” He closed t
he gap between us.
Just because he apologized didn’t mean I believed him. And it didn’t mean I trusted him. I lashed out with my keys, cutting him on the forearm.
He hissed then stepped back, examining the wound.
“I said get away from me.” I came forward, my hand raised in the air for another strike.
Jacob grabbed them before I could slice him again. He tossed them on the ground. “Just calm down. I have no ill intention toward you.”
“Now I’m supposed to believe you?” I punched him in the face then kicked him in the groin. He blocked it with his knee, taking the hit. “You drugged me then raped me. You fucking sicko.” I slapped him hard across the face.
He never hit me back. He moved away, his hands in the air. “I haven’t stopped thinking about that night. It’s in my thoughts every single day. I hate myself for what I did. I was drunk and stupid. I was insanely in love with you and I just…wanted you.”
“I despise you.”
He didn’t react to my venom. “Livia, I know this doesn’t make up for anything but I’m so sorry. I hurt you and I hate myself for that. I will always regret that night.”
“You raped me then four other guys had a go at me. How do you think that made me feel?”
He averted his gaze, unable to look at me.
“You can stare at me while you’re fucking me but you can’t look at me now?”
The shame was heavy on his face.
“You’re disgusting. You ruined my life and didn’t think twice about it.”
“I didn’t know about the other guys until later. I swear.”
“You think I care? I don’t want your excuses, Jacob. I thought you were my friend. I thought you were the guy who would take me home when I was drunk, not drug me then rape me.” The anger seeped through my pores. “I hate you and I will always hate you. You took my virginity. Took it!”
He cringed at my words. “I just loved you so much—”
“Rape is not an act of passion, it’s an act of violence. What you did was wrong and unforgiveable.”
“I really am sorry.” His eyes started to well up. “I have nightmares about it. I…I loathe myself for what I did. I was stupid and got carried away. I guess I thought you liked me too…”
“Liked you to die maybe.”
He flinched at my words. “What can I do to make this better?”
“To make this better?” I asked incredulously. “First of all, where was this six months ago? I’ve been hiding from the world, unable to deal with the pain. My whole life was taken away from me. I didn’t have an identity. I lost all my friends. Where the hell were you? Raping other girls with your drug? If you can’t get a girl without drugging her, then you aren’t a real man.”
“I’ve never done it to anyone else. Just you because—”
“You were in love with me?” I glared at him. “That’s the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever heard.”
“I didn’t say anything to you before because I knew you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I still don’t,” I snapped.
“I just wanted you to know that I’m disgusted with myself. I can’t look my dad in the eye because I know how ashamed he would be if he knew. I can’t date any girls because I don’t deserve them. I really loved you, I still do. I want to make this right. I’ll do anything, anything at all, to make amends for what I did.”
‘There’s only one thing you can do.”
He waited for me to say it.
“Give me back my virginity. Oh wait, you can’t do that.”
He cringed at my words.
“There’s only one man I’ve ever wanted to give it to and now I can’t. Because you took it.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The tears welled up in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Just get away from me. And stay away.” I grabbed my keys off the ground.
He stepped back, doing as I asked. “If there’s ever anything I can do—”
“Go fuck yourself. You’re only apologizing to me because you can’t get rid of the guilt you feel. You aren’t doing this to help me, to make me feel better. It’s completely selfish. If you really were sorry, you would turn yourself into the police and face the consequences—like a man.” I got into my car then slammed the door. As soon as I turned on the engine, I sped out of the parking lot, wanting to put as much distance between us as possible.
When I got to Scotty’s, I stayed in the car for a moment, trying to gather my bearings. My plan was to come here and make love, but after that conversation with Jacob, I wasn’t in the mood. It wasn’t the right time. I didn’t want to associate anything beautiful with that demon.
When I was there, I came to his front door and knocked.
He opened the door, an irritated look on his face.
“What?” I blurted.
“Why didn’t you use your key?”
“Oh…I forgot.”
“Let’s try this again.” He shut the door and locked it.
I smirked then pulled out my key and unlocked it. Then I opened the door.
“Hey, what a pleasant surprise.” He cupped my face and kissed me.
My hands immediately went to his shoulders, feeling the muscle. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“I never mind.” He gave me a serious look.
“How was your day?”
“Good. I just finished my last training session. Now I have a fight.”
“Really?” That was incredible news. “When?”
“Next weekend. Will you be there?”
“Of course. You don’t even need to ask.”
“Awesome.” He kissed my cheek then walked into the living room. “I got everything at the store so we’re set for tomorrow.”
Huh? What was he talking about? “Sorry?”
“For Thanksgiving dinner,” he said. “Or did you forget?”
“I just…I didn’t know we were spending it together.”
“Why wouldn’t we?” He stepped closer to me, staring me down. “You’re my family and I’m yours. Did you think I was going to let you spend it alone? Or even worse, with your parents?”
“I just…I don’t know.”
“You’re spending it with me. No arguments.”
“What about Keira and Liam?”
“They want to spend it alone,” he explained. “It’s their first Thanksgiving as an engaged couple. And they knew I wanted to spend the day with you.”
I wondered if they just didn’t want to see me.
“It had nothing to do with you.”
I swear he could read my mind.
“I want you to stay with me all weekend.”
“Because we’re going shopping on Black Friday?” I teased.
“No, I’ll be sleeping.” He rubbed his nose against mine. “Or eating you. One of the two.”
“I prefer the second one.”
“Dully noted.” He sat down on the couch and pulled me into his lap. He made me straddle his hips then he rested his hands on my hips, keeping me there. He was more forward with me than before. “How was your day, beautiful?”
I liked it when he called me that. “Uneventful.” I wasn’t going to bring up Jacob. Scotty would flip out and demolish the house just by roaring.
“I can make it eventful.” He winked at me.
“Do you ever get tired of being cocky?”
“Do you ever get tired of being beautiful?”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not beautiful.”
“Yes you are,” he said firmly. “Why do you think I stare at you all the time?”
I shrugged. “Because you’re talking to me. You’re supposed to look at the person you’re having a conversation with.”
“We aren’t talking when you’re sleeping—and I stare at you all the time.”
I blushed.
“I like it when you do that. It’s classy.”
My cheeks became darker.
“So, what do you want to do to
night?”
I ignored his question. “I told Ash the truth.”
He stilled. His playfulness disappeared. “And how do you feel?”
“Better.”
“That’s what I expected.”
“He was hurt….but he said he wanted to know.”
He ran his fingers through my hair. “This will make you stronger. And I know he still loves you as much as before.”
“I know he does…”
“I’m glad you told him. And I hope you aren’t mad at me…”
“No. I know you were trying to do the right thing.”
“I’m always trying to do the right thing by you.” He pulled me close to him then kissed the hollow my throat.
“I know that too.” His kiss left me lightheaded.
“So…how about Die Hard 2?”
“Oooh…that sounds good.”
“There’s lots of explosions, guns, and smoke. Just what ladies like.”
I laughed. “Good. I never rent a movie without it.”
We lay on the couch then watched the movie. Scotty made a bowl of popcorn and we shared it. But I ended up throwing pieces at him during the movie. He growled at me then threw pieces back. It ended up breaking out into a huge popcorn war. We got the food everywhere, even between the crevasses of the couch.
“Now Thanksgiving is going to smell like stale buttered popcorn,” he said with a laugh. He wiped his shirt clean of crumbs.
I stared at him, a smirk on my face. I loved the way we played together and laughed together. I’ve never been so carefree in my life. He brought out a side to me that I liked, that I loved. “I love you.”
He stilled at my words then looked at me.
I hardly ever admitted my deepest feelings to him. Only in intense moments did it come out.
“Forget the popcorn.” He scooped me up into his arms and carried me into his bedroom.
“What are we going to do?” The movie was still on in the living room.
“I’m going to show you how much I love you.”
CHAPTER NINE
Scotty
Liam texted me. There’s a frat party tonight.
Livia was sleeping. She usually became drowsy after an orgasm. I’m glad I left her feeling satisfied. Yeah?
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