by Jack Castle
Continuing to walk briskly, Henry must have sensed George’s conflicting thoughts for he reluctantly explained, “I created the Lamppost Man Program to serve management while subverting it at the same time.”
“Why would you do that? Why would you want to destroy management?” George asked.
Henry scoffed so hard he started choking on his own spit. “Why destroy management? Who do you think killed off the human race?”
“Huh? I was told we killed each other.”
Henry gave him a swift glance, but never broke stride. “Who told you that? No wait, someone who works for the company? Some midlevel-to-upper management, maybe?”
George never really knew Dr. Sophia Davenport’s rank, but it was obvious she was someone important. Sophia said we had killed ourselves off, didn’t she? Maybe that was a guess, either that or maybe she was lying. He doubted the latter. George didn’t give Henry the benefit of an answer so instead he asked, “If management was as bad as you say, why not just destroy them?”
“Even a man from the 21st century must have some semblance of an idea of how massive Stranger World is.”
George didn’t feel as though he did. The underground tunnels alone were immense, but he still thought of this place as being isolated, like in a desert or on an island. Didn’t Sophia say something about in her time, there had been dozens of domed theme parks the size of cities? And, this was centuries after that.
“Without management, there would be total chaos. I needed a surgical tool that would cut out the cancer in management without killing it off completely. I reprogrammed the Lamppost Man for that very purpose.”
“Isn’t the Lamppost Man evil?”
“When I first created the Lamppost Man, he was little more than a weapon, a complex virus if you will.” He stopped, studied George for a moment and asked, “In your time, you had computer viruses, yes?”
George flashed him a dirty look. “Yes, of course.”
“Hey, don’t get so offended; I can’t remember everything. Where was I anyway? Oh yes, the Lamppost Man. I believed I wasn’t going to be around much longer. So, I made a snap judgement and made the mistake of giving ole’ Lampy his independence, the ability to learn and even to perpetuate himself. Once I did that, he evolved and kept on evolving. So, the Lamppost Man is about as good and evil as any other self-replicating species.”
George’s eyes narrowed as he recalled all the pain and suffering that imp had cost him and his family. “Oh trust me. He’s evil. And, that’s why he has to be destroyed.”
Old Henry grabbed him by his elbow and stopped. “I agree completely. He’s grown totally out of control. But not before the two of you, together, destroy the cancer that is within management. It’s the only possible way.” Henry let that sink in.
“However, I need you to be very clear on something. The only thing keeping the Lamppost Man in check and from becoming totally omnipotent is management. You take that away, and ole’ Lampy becomes a god.”
That’s not good, thought George. Henry continued.
“So, the moment upper management is disabled, you have to kill the Lamppost Man, or he will unleash a reign of madness and terror that makes all this seem like a Sunday-school carnival by comparison.”
If he wasn’t feeling it before, he was beginning to feel very overwhelmed now. George let out a calming breath. “Okay, I hear you. But how about we focus on one thing at a time. Before we take on a planet-sized theme park. Why don’t we just focus on finding a way out of here first?”
Old man Henry leaned on a cleverly-disguised crash-bar, cracked the door open and replied, “After you, my good man,” and tipped his hat.
Chapter 29
Kelpi and the Goons
“Will you at least try to keep up?” old man Henry grumped.
Henry seems pretty spry for an octogenarian who has been locked up (or powered down) for a few centuries.
Old Henry’s prison cell emptied onto the trail near the banquet table. When Henry spied Jungle-George slouched at the table, he uttered, “Oh no.”
George’s grip on his pistol grew tighter, but he failed to see any attackers.
“What? What is it?” He remembered the animal-ravaged Scuba-George and suddenly became very mindful of the fact he only had five bullets.
Henry nodded toward the jungle explorer. “Oh my, poor, poor Jungle-George. I always liked him best. It’s such a shame he didn’t make it.”
Feeling a tad bit offended, George said, “Maybe you’d like to keep waiting for him back in your prison cell?”
Henry didn’t hear the jibe, or he simply chose to ignore it. Instead, he began patting down Jungle-George’s pockets. When he didn’t find what he was looking for, he asked, “Did you find the knife?”
George only recalled finding the pistol. Hefting it for Henry to see he said, “Nope. No knife this time, only the gun.”
Henry sighed heavily. “It’s not an actual knife,” and becoming more irritable (were that possible) he added, “I told you before, you have to find the knife. When you were in the jungle, you didn’t find it? I hid it in the cave for you.” When George didn’t answer quickly enough, Henry bawled, “You had one job.”
Oh boy…the cranky old man’s clearly off his rocker.
“You never told me about any knife, and I have never been in any jungle in Stranger World,” George explained matter-of-factly, then added, more to himself, “At least not in one I remember, anyway.”
The old fella heard him this time for he said, “Oh, you’d remember this jungle. That I guarantee.”
George’s patience was beginning to wear thin, but he managed, “I’m sorry, but we never had any conversation about a hidden knife.”
Henry pounded the table causing the china to clatter. “We did too! We talked about all of this already. The knife is the only thing that can kill him.”
“Kill who?”
Henry flashed him a look that clearly said he thought he was speaking to an imbecile. “The Lamppost Man of course. What have we been talking about this whole time?” Without looking back at him, he said, “You’ll have to go back to the jungle for it. It’s in a cave.”
The old timer was working himself up so much that George was worried he might keel over from a heart attack. “All right. I promise to go back to the jungle and find the…” but before he could even finish his sentence, Henry strode purposefully over to him and tapped him on the forehead with one forefinger and said, “Boop.”
George couldn’t explain it exactly, but it was as though Henry had put something inside of his brain. Rubbing his forehead profusely, and remembering that the Lamppost Man had implanted a multi-tool in his stomach, he inquired with a bit of rage, “What did you just do to me?”
Old Henry waved him away, and responded, “Don’t worry about it, you’ll find out later,” and strode out of the clearing. Calling back from the trail, he hollered, “C’mon, we’ve to get topside.”
Henry led him through another hidden door and into an elevator shaped like a bathysphere with thick-paned windows. In the time it took George to explain how he had gotten down to the prison in the first place (the dive, the town and subterranean maze) they had arrived back in the Welcome Center.
Exiting the bathysphere George grumbled, “Ya know, you could have let Kelpi tell me about the express elevator down to the prison.”
Henry flashed him a cynical smile. “Now where’s the fun in that?”
Kelpi, the Helpful Mermaid, swished through the air to greet them. “Yay!” she said clapping her hands enthusiastically, “You found him, George. Congratulations! I’m so proud of you.” Then to Henry she said formerly, “Welcome back Mr. Stranger. We’ve been waiting for your return for a very long time, sir.”
Henry surveyed all the recent damage in the Welcome Center. To no one in particular he breathed, “Has it really gotten as bad as all this?”
Seeing Henry’s pain-stricken face, Kelpi offered, “Cheer up, Mr. Stranger, nothing a littl
e paint and good ole fashion elbow grease can’t fix.”
“Well, it’s about time!”
George, Old-Man Henry, and Kelpi all lifted their gaze to see stocky Sven from the submarine approaching them. Nearly a dozen of his submarine crew came in behind him.
Seeing this too, Henry rolled his eyes, “Oh right, I almost forgot.” Turning to Kelpi he asked, “Why does there always have to be goons involved?”
Kelpi clasped her hands and shrugged her shoulders. “Makes life more interesting, I guess.”
Sven and his goons crossed over and formed a wide circle around them. Whatever it was they wanted, it was clear from their body language, they were willing to take it by force. Most of the goons were dressed like submarine crewman, but one of them was dressed like the bounty hunters he had seen on the Fantasy River. George was pretty sure another goon was a zombie pirate. Sven, himself, was what George liked to call, a real lady’s man: sweaty, bald head, crooked nose and protuberant eyes. George didn’t see the Italian woman from the sub anywhere.
Studying Henry, but speaking about him as though he wasn’t there, Sven said, “Do you know how long we’ve been waiting for one of you to free the old man? Do you have any idea?” He turned toward Kelpi. “How long we been waiting, mermaid?”
Ever helpful (even to villains) she answered, “Two hundred years, thirty-eight days, twelve hours, sixteen minutes and forty-eight seconds.”
Hearing this, Sven raised his bushy-unkempt eyebrows and said to his crew, “Did you all get that?” Sven moved closer to George, withdrew a long knife and began tapping it on George’s chest. “What makes you so special, anyway, huh Georgie?” Raising his voice louder for the rest of his crew to hear, “Ya know, My money had been on the Jungle-George. I liked that one the best…I really thought he was gonna go all the way.”
Old Henry flashed George a toothy smile, “See what I mean? I’m not the only one.”
George shook his head. Henry obviously didn’t realize the gravity of the situation. They may have escaped from prison, but in a few moments, Sven was going to knife him in the gut and cut Henry’s short-lived freedom very short.”
George feigned boredom. What do you want with us, Sven?”
“You? Nothing.” Raising his knife toward Henry he said, “It’s Mr. Henry Stranger we want. You’re looking at the most wanted man on the planet. Management’s got a huge bounty on him that will set us all up like kings for centuries.”
Turning his gaze back toward George he added, “We’ll be taking him now, but there’s no reason for us to kill you too. In fact, if you just step aside, there might even be a little reward in it for ya. Whaddya say?”
George hated bullies. His first fight in elementary school had been over a bully pushing down a young girl named Julie Cash. In fact, most of his fights had been about defending the defenseless against bullies.
In answer, he wiped the sweat from his brow on the back of his arm, “You know, as much as I’d like to let you guys take my new cranky friend here off my hands, I went through a lot of trouble to get him. In fact, I counted at least 12 versions of George down there in that labyrinth who died just to get him out. I don’t know what’s so important about this old timer, but I’d be remiss to let you just have him after so much trouble.”
This didn’t go over well with Sven, but he managed to keep his composure. “George, you’ve already died so many times. You don’t have to do it again. You can go live your life.
“Stranger World,” pointing to Henry for emphasis, “his world, is a dangerous and scary place, but it also can be a lovely one. There are so many places you could go. Reunite with your family. Live out your life in a cottage on a hill somewhere. I’ve seen people do it. They find a little corner somewhere, live out their lives, nobody bothers them, and everyone is happy.”
George flicked his eyes over to the bounty hunter, “Like the ransacked village on the Fantasy River? Or the sunflowers with human faces? Or what about all those people who were killed by the leviathan on the sub?” He shook his head and continued.
“I haven’t known this man for very long, but I don’t think this world was what this man intended. This madness, what this place has become? If the little bit of humanity left is going to survive, it has to stop. And I’m not sure, but this man just might be the key. You could be part of that change, Sven. You don’t have to serve Management anymore. You don’t have to be a part of it. You could join us. You could join the fight.”
CLAP…CLAP…CLAP…
Sven, tucked his knife in his armpit, and slow-clapped his hands sardonically. “That was… terrific.” Casting a glance at Kelpi, he asked, “Don’t you think that was terrific?”
Kelpi nodded enthusiastically. “Most impressive.” She pouted her lips. “I’m sorry I didn’t warn you, George. I couldn’t.”
Sven grabbed his knife again by the handle. Gesturing toward George with it, he said, “You know, I was wrong about you. I can see why the Lamppost Man chose you. You are one single-minded, stubborn-headed mule. You set your mind to something and that’s it. You’re a soldier, alright. Well, you know the old saying, ‘There are old men, and there are heroes, but there are never old heroes.” Sven raised his knife and began to lunge with it.
A single shot rang out. Sven stood up ramrod straight, and fell over with a smoking bullet hole in his forehead.
George fired four more times and four more submarine crewmen permanently hit the deck. Not realizing he was out of ammo, a few of the submariners dove for cover, but the zombie shuffled toward him. George flipped the pistol up into the air, caught it by its scalding barrel and clubbed him over the head with it. Skull crushed, the zombie fell to the floor with the pistol still imbedded in its head.
Having lost his gun, George picked up Sven’s knife and tossed it to Henry, handle first. It bounced off old Henry’s chest and hit the ground.
Seeing this George asked, “What are you doing? Pick up the knife.”
Henry calmly explained, “Wrong knife.”
George sighed in disgust. I guess I’m on my own, was what George was thinking when the two bounty hunters dog-piled onto him, knocking all three of them over a display wall. As he used various undersea displays to smash into his attackers (a starfish, a spent spear gun and swordfish), he spied Henry. “Hey! I could use a little help over here.” When the old man didn’t move, George took another blow to the face. George flipped his attacker over the wall and shouted to Henry, “I wouldn’t want you to strain your old self.”
Two more crewmen crept from their hiding places and, after seeing George was preoccupied with the bounty hunters, they began pursuing Henry.
Seeing this too, Kelpi took several swipes at them, “Stay back you brigands. Don’t make me angry,” but being a hologram, her fists and tail merely passed through them.
As soon as the cowering crewmen realized she was powerless, they stalked their original target once more, dollar signs returning to their eyes.
George began climbing back over the partition, but the bounty hunters recovered from their attack and each took a leg of his, and pulled.
Hands holding onto the partition wall, and stretched out like Superman in midflight, George screamed, “Run Henry, run!”
Despite Kelpi’s best efforts, the two submariner henchmen backed Henry all the way up into a nearby corridor. Before they could nab him however, Henry opened a panel where none existed before. He touched a few buttons and sprinklers dropped down from the ceiling and began soaking the two men with very cold water.
“That is it?” one of them asked. Shrugging his shoulders, he stepped forward again.
As the brigand approached him, Henry touched another button and a cabinet door opened so violently against the attacker’s face, it knocked him out and onto his back.
Kelpi clapped her hands. “Oh, that was simply wonderful, just wonderful.” She turned to Henry expectantly. “Do something else.”
Old Henry waggled his eyebrows, turned back to the
console and punched in more code.
Kelpi looked around expectantly, waiting for something to transpire and when it didn’t, she said, “Ahh, nothing happened.”
Henry smiled a toothy smile. “Try hitting one of them.”
“Okay, but…” Kelpi swam off toward the second brigand and when close enough, with a violent twist of her body, she swatted him with her tail.
The man might as well have been hit by a city bus, for he went flying feet-over-head and landed upside-down thirty feet away.
Smiling devilishly back at Henry she said, “Oh, we’re going to have some fun now.” She immediately swished back out into the open area and wreaked havoc on the remaining submariners. All the while, she kept chanting things like, “Hi there, I’m Kelpi the Helpful Mermaid,” TWACK! and “Here at Stranger World, we like to offer service with a smile,” THWOCK! Even the two bounty hunters, who were busy pummeling George, were soon field kicked over the nearest aquarium.
Seeing them land and not move, Kelpi exclaimed to George, “Wow, that was incredibly fun.” Realizing she had dispatched all the evil submariners she pouted her lips and said, “Awww… no more baddies.”
Henry helped George to his feet. “You alright young man?”
Feeling far from it, George grumped, “What are you talking about? I had them right where I wanted them.” Then spying Kelpi, he added, “Thanks for the assist, Helpful Mermaid.”
Kelpi clasped her hands in front of her and shrugged her shoulders. “You’re most welcome, George.”
Henry studied the Welcome Center once more, “Now that’s out of the way, we need to get you to the surface.”
One eye swollen shut and his lip still bleeding, George responded. “I don’t see how. Even if we didn’t have to worry about that dino-fish out there, I used the last of the dive equipment. There’s no way for us to swim back up.”