On Broken Wings

by Chanel Cleeton

  “Are you okay?” Dani asked, nudging me with her shoulder, a worried look on her face.

  “Yeah. Sorry. I got distracted. Do you want a drink?”

  “Sure.”

  We walked over to where the squadron was gathered and I left her with Becca while I went up to the bar to get our drinks. It was packed tonight, and I exchanged greetings with a few regulars, making at best a half-assed attempt to be social. I turned as Noah walked up to me.

  He jerked his head toward the bar. “What are you drinking?”

  “Beer for me. Cosmo for Dani.”

  “I got it.”

  I started to protest, but it was one of our traditions on the eve of a deployment, and you didn’t argue with tradition.

  “How are you doing?” he asked.

  “Fine.”

  He followed my gaze across the room to where it rested on Dani and Becca.

  “She’ll be okay,” Noah said.

  I wasn’t surprised he got to the heart of what was bothering me.

  “Yeah. She will.”

  She’d survived losing her husband; there was no question in my mind she could handle my deployment. What I was less sure of was whether I could handle it, and my fear of how much would have changed by the time we got back. That was the thing about going to war—we found ourselves in our own world, cut off from reality, from the things happening back home. Our lives became bombs and targets, and it was easy to lose touch with the people we left behind, for the experiences we went through in between leaving and coming home to change us so irrevocably that those connections were forever severed. It wasn’t as bad for us as pilots—we weren’t on the ground, and there was a level of detachment we experienced in the air—but the stakes were as high, the threats as real, and our focus so single-minded that it was easy to lose our grip on normal.

  “That’s not true,” I admitted. I needed to get this off my chest and Noah was the only person I could confide in. “I’m worried about her being by herself, worried she’ll be gone when I get back.”

  Worried I’ll lose someone I don’t really have.

  “What if she is gone when you get back?”

  “Fuck if I know.”

  “Dude, what are you going to do about this?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s been years; it doesn’t seem to be going away. You have to move on, have to focus on your own life instead of living yours for her.” His gaze darted over the crowd. “Have you considered talking to her?”

  “Are you joking? You were the one who told me I needed to lock this shit down.”

  “Yeah, I did. But you’re terrible at it. At this point, I don’t know how she hasn’t realized you’re in love with her.”

  “She doesn’t see me like that,” I muttered.

  “Then maybe it’s best she isn’t here when you get back. You deserve to be happy, man.”

  “I am happy.”

  Ish.

  Maybe this was enough. Hell, the pieces of her were more than I’d ever had from anyone else.

  “It’s not real,” Noah countered.

  “It is to me.”

  “Yeah, but it’s not to her. Don’t you think you deserve a woman who loves you? Don’t you want to settle down eventually? Have a family?”

  Annoyance filled me. “You were right there next to me at the clubs a little over a year ago. Don’t act like you’ve been a fucking saint your whole life, like you weren’t taking it where you could get it.”

  “Yeah, I was. And even then, before I met Jordan, I wanted more. And then when I met her, I realized nothing—not flying, partying—mattered more than she did.”

  “And I’m happy for you,” I shot back, realizing I sounded anything but. “I am. You guys are great together and the baby’s adorable. But don’t think because it happened for you, it’s going to be the same for me. I’ve dated. I’ve tried to get over her, and no matter what happens, I always end up back here. There isn’t anyone else.”

  Merlin came up behind us, slapping me on the back.

  “What are we talking about?” he asked, his words slurring together a bit; he was already more than a little drunk.

  He was a strong IP, the other ADO in the squadron, and a bro. Now that Noah and Thor had women, I found myself going out with Merlin and some of his friends more and more, although even that had been less frequent lately.

  Since I started hanging out with Dani.

  Noah shook his head as though he was frustrated with the conversation and likely me. “Nothing.” He jerked his head toward the rest of the group. “I’m going to go say bye to everyone and then I’m going to head out. Jordan’s at home with the baby, and I don’t want to leave her for too long. I’m still taking you to the squadron when you guys fly out, right?”

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  He walked off, leaving me at the bar with Merlin.

  “You okay?”

  I took another swig of beer. “Yeah.”

  He grinned. “Good, then come be my wingman.”

  “Wingman” came out missing a few letters.

  “Dude. Not in the mood.”

  I craned my neck, trying to catch a glimpse of Dani. The crowds had shifted, blocking her from my view.

  Merlin shot me an incredulous look. “We’re going to be away from women for three months and you’re not in the mood?” He nudged me. “See the girls over there?”

  I followed his gaze to a group of four girls who looked to be either in college or recent graduates.

  “I’m going to talk to the blonde. You chat up her friends.”

  “Seriously. Not up for it.”

  “What’s the problem? Her friends are cute.”

  I glanced over there. Yeah, they were.

  Merlin nudged me again. “How long has it been since you got laid?”

  Too long.

  “I’m just saying,” Merlin continued. “If you’re passing up an opportunity like that . . . think of the pick-up potential. All you have to do is lead with our upcoming deployment and you’ll be fighting them off with a stick.”

  Yeah, I’d done this before. So many times. And the old leaving-on-a-deployment line was usually lucky for me—ninety percent success rate of a woman’s clothes hitting the floor.

  I didn’t want to be an asshole anymore.

  “I brought Dani here. I don’t want to leave her.”

  “She doesn’t care; she’s talking to Becca.”

  She doesn’t care.

  The words stung. Fuck. Noah was right. She would always be out of my reach, and I was kidding myself if I thought we were anything more than friends. I’d let myself get so caught up in having her around this past month that I’d let myself want things I had no business wanting, things she definitely didn’t want.

  I was a single thirty-three-year-old fighter pilot and it was time to stop moping around like a pussy and start acting like it. I gave the waitress Dani’s drink order and asked her to deliver it to the table.

  I turned toward Merlin. “Lead the way.”

  DANI

  “How are the wedding plans going?” I asked Becca from our vantage point near the bar.

  “Good,” she answered. “I have the venue lined up and I found a dress. I’m working on invitations and flowers now.”

  “That’s exciting.”

  I’d had a blast planning my wedding. We’d ended up with a small destination wedding in the Bahamas and it would always be one of the happiest memories from my life with Michael. I’d never forget how excited I’d been walking down the aisle, our future an adventure spread before us. I’d been young and in love, and while I hadn’t imagined how much that love would grow after we married, I also hadn’t imagined myself ending up where I was now. Hadn’t truly fathomed the life of a thirty-one-year-old widow. I missed t
he hope most of all, the feeling that the world lay before me, my future shiny and bright.

  “It is,” Becca answered. “Plus it helps to give me something to focus on while the guys are deployed.”

  “Yeah, that’ll make the difference in how quickly it goes by. It really helps to keep busy. Of course, you have work, too, so that’ll probably take up a lot of your time.”

  “Yeah, it will.”

  “If you need to talk or anything, or if you need someone to listen, you can always call me. I know how hard it can be.”

  She smiled. “Thanks. I’ll probably take you up on that. It’s been tough lately.”

  “If it makes you feel better, the first one is always the worst. And the build-up sucks, but once they actually leave, you’ll be surprised at how quickly time passes. There will still be hard times—days when all you’ll want is to see him, nights when you feel really alone, but find a way to do little things to pamper yourself and try to talk to him as often as you can. That helps a lot. Michael and I came out of deployments stronger and more connected than we went into them.”

  “Thanks. I really appreciate hearing from someone who has been in the trenches, so to speak.” She sighed. “I’m hanging in there. Trying, at least.”

  “No problem. We need a handbook or something. The Official Guide to Surviving Life as a Fighter Pilot Wife: The F-16 Edition.”

  She laughed. “God, yes. It’s as though I’m in a foreign country or something. Does that ever go away?”

  “Not a chance. You pretty much are. They create their own world with their own set of rules, and in doing so they have the power to live their lives however the hell they want. You eventually learn to go with it, or at least, find a way to happily coexist.”

  “That’s the goal now.”

  The irony was that in my case, I had learned to mostly embrace the lifestyle, but now it was gone, and I found myself floundering, unsure of how I fit in with the world I’d created for myself if I wasn’t a fighter pilot’s wife. Tonight made the contrast even more stark—all the times I’d come to these types of gatherings as Michael’s wife and now here, as what exactly?

  I scanned the crowd, looking for Easy, and froze.

  He and Merlin stood in a circle of girls, talking and laughing, making animated gestures with their hands I recognized from years of hanging out with the guys—they were talking about flying, looking to get laid, and using the fighter pilot card to do it.

  The lump in my throat dropped to my stomach.

  Becca followed my gaze. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something and then closed it again.

  Finally she spoke. “I don’t get his deal.”

  “Easy?”

  She nodded.

  “Easy’s . . .” I struggled for the right words, tearing my gaze away from him, not wanting to watch what was about to go down next. “Easy’s complicated,” I finished.

  “I guess that’s the thing. He doesn’t seem complicated. He seems like—”

  “A manwhore?”

  Becca looked embarrassed, but she nodded. “Basically. He and Thor are close; I guess I have a hard time understanding why the guys respect him so much.”

  “Loyalty,” I answered automatically. “Easy’s the most loyal person I’ve ever met. When he takes your back, he has it forever.

  “When Michael died, I went to greet the jets coming back from Alaska. It was something I needed to do, to represent him and what the squadron had meant to him. I saw Easy when he landed, and the look on his face when he saw me.” I swallowed. “There isn’t a question in my mind that if he could have traded places with Michael, he would have. He would die for any one of these guys, no questions asked. That’s the type of guy Easy is. That’s why they love him.

  “He’s smart, too,” I continued, not sure why I felt this overwhelming urge to defend Easy, to show her the side of him I knew and loved. “He was an engineering major at the Air Force Academy. He’s funny and he’s an amazing pilot. He can be thoughtful, too. He’s always remembering what I like, bringing me my favorite things. He can come across as arrogant, and yeah, he is, but he definitely doesn’t take himself too seriously. He knows when he’s being full of himself.

  “And he’s fun. He’s always up for anything and if you’re down, he’s the best person to cheer you up. He’s like a big kid most of the time, and I mean that in the best possible way. But when you need him, he really steps up and becomes a rock. He’s stood by me for the most difficult moments of my life and I can’t imagine how I would have gotten through them without him.”

  A smile played at Becca’s lips, but I only caught a glimpse of it because my gaze had already returned to where Easy stood.

  “You guys are really close, aren’t you?” she asked.

  It hadn’t hit me until now how much I relied on him, how much he’d changed my life.

  “We are.”

  Maybe that’s why it burned so much to watch as he essentially blew me off when the whole point of the night was for us to hang out before he left, to see him hitting on the girls on one of the last nights we had together before he deployed. I didn’t necessarily blame him for choosing orgasms over friendship, but that didn’t mean it still didn’t hurt.

  Becca looked like she wanted to say something else, but she didn’t. Instead she continued to stare at Easy and Merlin.

  My gaze drifted back to the girl closest to Easy. Would he take her home tonight? She leaned in closer to hear something Easy said, and I knew she could smell the scent of his cologne, knew how firm his jaw would be against her face, could easily conjure up the sensation of how hard and big his body would be as he loomed over her.

  I’d gotten used to the physical closeness of him in the last month and found myself needing that connection—my hand in his—as much as I enjoyed his company.

  My breath hitched.

  His hand rested on her back, right at the base of her spine, his fingers idly stroking there as something clenched in my stomach. Having him there would make her feel safe, cherished; she wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to lean in to him. Right now she was probably wondering what he looked like under the thin T-shirt, imagining how it would feel to dip under the fabric, to put her hands on his abs, to stroke lower—

  Oh God.

  “Are you okay?” Becca asked.

  I tore my gaze away from Easy, my body warm and achy, my head a mess.

  “Yeah. Why?”

  I told myself I didn’t sound defensive, that I hadn’t imagined Easy, my Easy as a man, a man I could want, a man who could make my body yearn for things I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  “Your face—you seemed upset.”

  I started to tell her no—deny, deny, deny—but something else came out instead.

  “I hate when he does this.”

  My gaze drifted back to Easy and the girl, watching as she tossed her hair back, as he smiled down at her—

  “The girls?”

  I nodded, unable to speak.

  It had never bothered me before—well, besides the last time we were here, but even that had been different. As foolish as it had been, my feelings had been hurt then. Now other parts of me ached—dull, throbbing, constant. I wanted to go over there and break them apart. It took effort to hold myself back. I wanted him to look at me like that. I wanted . . .

  The girl leaned into his body and kissed his neck, and suddenly it crashed into me, like learning a new word, the sound of it alien, but the moment it entered my head, I knew, just fucking knew—

  I had a crush on Easy.

  Panic hit me, followed by guilt, so much guilt that I found myself gasping for air as I drowned in it. What kind of person developed a crush on one of their dead husband’s best friends? What was wrong with me? The time we’d spent together, the touching, all of it—

  Fuck.

/>   It was so obvious, and the only excuse I had for why I hadn’t realized it sooner was that I hadn’t had a crush on a guy in a decade, didn’t even remember this sensation, had honestly never imagined feeling this again. The sheer agony of it—

  Awful. It felt fucking awful.

  I stared down at my wedding rings until they became little more than a blur, losing myself in the diamonds, in the memories they contained, in the feeling of Michael’s fingers skimming my skin as he slid them on my fingers, until suddenly that was ripped away and replaced by the memory of my hand intertwined with Easy’s.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Becca asked. “You look really pale.”

  I was so far from okay it wasn’t funny. It had always been Michael for me. Always. Sure, when I’d been married I’d appreciated the occasional movie star or something, but I’d never wanted anyone else, fantasized about anyone else. Never been attracted to anyone else.

  Why Easy?

  “Are you okay?”

  This time it wasn’t Becca’s voice that greeted me and I froze at the low rumble behind me, at the sound that sent a tingle down my spine. I turned and came face-to-face with the last person I wanted to see.

  NINE

  EASY

  Whatever Dani and Becca were talking about, it had definitely upset Dani. She’d gone pale, and even now, she wouldn’t meet my gaze.

  I looked at Becca, a moment of panic hitting me, wondering if Thor had told her about my feelings for Dani, if for some reason she’d told Dani, but I didn’t see guilt when I looked at her, only worry.

  “Do you want a glass of water or something?” I asked, turning my attention back to Dani.