On Broken Wings

by Chanel Cleeton

  “I just . . .”

  Jordan nodded. “I know. You want to do the best thing, the right thing. But you are. Stop second-guessing yourself. If what happened has taught us anything, it’s that life’s too short for anything other than making the most of every single moment. You taught me that. Don’t waste this shot because you feel guilty. You’ve had two amazing men love you with everything they have. That’s a gift, Dani.”

  It was, and I didn’t want to screw this chance up.

  “Go out tonight; give Easy a shot. Give yourself a shot. I saw you fall when those officers came to your door, and honestly, in the last year I’ve seen you stay there, on the ground, covered in your grief. I’ve seen you afraid to walk, to open up that door and face the world. I’m not blaming you. I don’t know if anyone could carry the weight you’ve been handed and not crumple. But you have a future in front of you that’s so fucking bright. Don’t throw that away.”

  I heard the truth in her words, and even more than that, I clung to the hope of them. I wanted this to work, wanted this chance with him.

  “I won’t.”

  * * *

  I stood in front of the dresser, staring at my reflection in the mirror. Alex would be here in five minutes—somehow I knew he’d be right on time.

  For the first time in a long time, I was happy with the reflection staring back at me. I didn’t know if it was the baby or what, but I had that “glow” on my face. I felt it inside of me, too—

  Hope.

  I only needed one more thing.

  I stared down at my hands, the sight of them so familiar, the rings I’d worn for so long becoming as much a part of my fingers as the lines and ridges, the bumps of my knuckles, the curve of my nails.

  I tugged at the diamond engagement ring first, sliding the cool metal over my knuckle, off my finger, setting it down on the dresser. My throat clogged with unshed tears, but I continued, trembling now as I slid the eternity band off my finger, placing it next to the engagement ring. For the first time in nearly a decade, my left hand sat bare, the faintest of tan lines on my ring finger the only sign I’d been married.

  There was a part of me that wanted to slide the rings back on my finger, that felt like I’d said a good-bye I wasn’t prepared for, would never be prepared for. But I didn’t. Instead, I opened my jewelry box, my gaze settling on a glint of silver—two broken wings.

  Michael’s wings.

  When pilots pinned on their wings after they graduated pilot training, they took the pair and broke them in half, keeping one half for themselves and giving the other half to someone they loved. I hadn’t known Michael then, but he’d given half to his mother, and on our wedding day, she gave that half to me. According to tradition, a pilot should never wear his first pair of wings, and for luck, the two broken halves should never be joined.

  When a pilot died, the two halves were reunited to bring him luck in the next life. I liked to imagine that wherever Michael was, he soared.

  I lay my wedding rings down next to his wings, a sob escaping.

  “I love you. So much.” I wiped at my cheeks. “And I miss you. Every single day. I hope you’re happy. And you will always be in my heart. I will always love you.” The rings and wings blurred in my vision. “I used to wish I’d died that day. When they came and told me, I wanted to die. I couldn’t imagine living in a world without you. I still can’t.”

  I took a deep breath, reaching out and running my fingers along the ridges of his wings.

  “But now I have to move forward. I have to find a way to live without you.” I took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.” My lips curved, even as more tears fell. “You know how badly I wanted to be a mom. And now the chance is here and I need to be a good mom. I need to give my baby a mother who isn’t afraid to live, who isn’t afraid to love.

  “I’ve been holding on so tightly for so long, afraid if I loosened my grasp a little bit I’d lose you. But I won’t. No matter what happens with Alex, I’ll always love you.”

  I didn’t know if it was my imagination, or standing in our bedroom, but I swore I could feel him behind me, his arms wrapped around my chest, my back against his front, holding me to him. And for a moment, I time-traveled; for a moment, a whisper of a moment, I had my husband back and all the love he had for me flowed between us, filling me with a warmth that took all my fears away.

  I took a deep breath and then a step forward, out of his embrace, closing the jewelry box with trembling hands as the doorbell rang and Alex came to pick me up for our date.

  ALEX

  On Sunday, before my date with Dani, I had to go into the squadron to do some mission planning for my sortie Monday, and when I’d finished, I found myself walking to the grassy area next to the squadron where I’d gone so many times before to smoke a cigar with Noah, Thor, and Joker. When Joker died, we had a plaque planted in the grass to remember him exactly where he’d want to be—close to the flight line, the jets he’d loved, the squadron he’d led.

  I sat down at one of the tables nearby, and it was almost as though I could feel him there sitting across from me, could still smell the Cohibas he’d loved to smoke. We’d sat out here for hours, getting drunk and talking about flying.

  “I miss you, man. So fucking much.”

  I felt a little crazy talking to the air, but this had been building up inside me for so long, the grief and guilt a weight pulling me down, and I needed to get the words out. I didn’t know if it would help, but being here, in a place we’d spent so much time together, it felt right.

  My date with Dani tonight was a fresh start, a chance for us to see if we could have a future together. I had to say good-bye to Joker and to the guilt I still carried with me. I didn’t want our lives to be constantly clouded by unresolved feelings; I wanted to remember him without the shame I felt now. So here I was, talking to the air.

  I started with the thing that bound us together, the link we shared, because if he could hear me now, he’d want to know about Dani.

  “She misses you. A lot. We all do.” The knot in my chest tightened, but I pushed on, putting the words out there, imagining we were sitting across from each other, cigar smoke in the air, beers in hand, the faint sound of a Dos Gringos song lingering in the background.

  “She’s doing better, though. It was rough for a while, but you know how tough she is. You’d be proud of how strong she’s been. So proud.” I ran a hand through my hair, that knot growing bigger, squeezing my heart tighter.

  “She’s pregnant, man.”

  The words came out in a whisper that sounded like a scream. It was stupid; I knew he wasn’t actually here, and yet this was a confession of sorts.

  “It’s mine.”

  I took a deep breath and continued on.

  “I should say I’m sorry, but I can’t, because this baby . . . I already love it. So much. And I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I can’t be sorry about this baby. I can’t be sorry about Dani.”

  I took another deep breath, the pain in my chest growing.

  “Dani’s healthy. She was scared in the beginning, but now she’s in the second trimester, and a lot of her fear has gone away. She’s so beautiful, man. She fucking glows.

  “She’s so excited to be a mom.” My lips curved. “You know how she gets. She has all these lists and books. She’s so determined to do this right, to be a good mom, and she’s going to be amazing.

  “I hope we have a little girl, that she has Dani’s smile and her eyes. Well, Dani’s everything, really.”

  Better her face than yours.

  I grinned through the thickness in my throat, the tears welling in my eyes. “I’ll give you that one.”

  Say the rest of it.

  I swallowed. “I love her. I shouldn’t, but I do. I don’t know how not to love her. I’ve always loved her, always thought you were the luckiest guy in the world to be lo
ved by her. She’s amazing.”

  I know.

  His voice sounded so real in my head—full of the same quiet confidence that had ensured we’d all follow him anywhere he led us. It was that same confidence, the reassurance in it, that gave me the courage to continue.

  “I never wanted her to find out. Never wanted you to find out. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and she was so happy with you. She loves you. She’ll always love you. I wouldn’t ever try to take that away. I couldn’t take that away.”

  I know.

  “Her heart’s so big, and she loves so much, and I don’t know if she loves me, if she could ever love me, but I want a chance with her. A real chance for us to be a family. I gotta let go. I have to put the guilt behind me so I can be the man I need to be for Dani and our child.

  “I miss you. Every day. You’ll always be with me. Every time I’m in the cockpit, I wish you were up in the air with me. For a long time I wished I could have switched places with you, that you could have been there for her instead of me. But she needs me now. They both do. I’m going to do everything I can to make her happy. I promise. I won’t hurt her. I’ll make you proud.”

  Maybe I’d lost my mind. Maybe I needed to hear the words. Or maybe Joker really was out there somewhere, listening, watching over all of us. I didn’t know what I believed anymore, only that I swore I heard him say—

  Take care of our girl.

  I wiped at my cheeks, my hands coming away wet.

  “I will.”

  TWENTY

  DANI

  I opened the door to Alex standing on my doorstep, a bouquet of pink peonies in hand. Michael had always brought me roses, and I didn’t think it was an accident that Alex had brought me something different.

  He always knew what I needed.

  “You look beautiful.”

  I smiled, suddenly a little shy. “Thanks. You look amazing.”

  He’d traded his usual uniform of jeans and a nice T-shirt for a pair of dark pants and a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled, showcasing his impressive forearms. Seeing how amazing he looked, I was glad I’d gone shopping and bought a dress for tonight.

  Alex stepped forward, giving me a hug, his lips brushing against my cheek. I inhaled the scent of his cologne, his aftershave, leaning forward a bit and pressing my body into the curve of his embrace. God, he felt good. Thank God for the other purchase I’d made this afternoon—the lacy pink bra and matching thong I wore under my flowered sundress. We’d agreed to take things slow, but it was hard considering I’d known him for years, he’d loved me forever, and we were expecting a child together. It was as though he’d been somewhere ahead of me all along, but suddenly I’d pressed fast-forward, and now I was caught up to where he was in real time.

  I didn’t want my fear to keep holding me back.

  I took the flowers from Alex, and he followed me into the house while I found a vase in the kitchen and put them in water. When I’d finished, I looked up at him.

  “Ready?”

  His gaze bore into me, emotion simmering in his eyes.

  “You took your rings off.”

  I looked down at my hand, feeling a momentary, instinctive spark of panic that I’d lost my wedding rings after years of seeing them there, and then remembering I’d taken them off. It would take a while to get used to. Change always did.

  “I did.”

  He reached between us, rubbing his thumb over my bare finger.

  “You didn’t have to.”

  “I needed to. Maybe I’ll do something with them later, but for now I need to move forward. I wore the rings more for myself than Michael. It was time.”

  He leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine, his kiss feather light. The remaining mass of nerves in my stomach dissolved. He pulled back, a smile playing at his mouth.

  “Ready?” Alex held his hand out to me.

  Yes.

  I took his hand, linking our fingers, letting him lead me out the door and into his waiting car.

  He drove us to the restaurant, our hands joined, a steady stream of conversation flowing between us. I’d imagined I’d be more nervous than I was, but it felt like two friends hanging out. Well, a friend I wanted to kiss and get naked with. And I thought about that a lot. But there were no awkward questions, no need to share our painful pasts. It was fun, the most fun I’d had since before he left for Afghanistan.

  “So what’s your favorite part of being back?” I asked as he drove on the interstate toward Bricktown. He’d made reservations for us at a French restaurant I’d never been to.

  “You.”

  I smiled. “I can’t be your favorite thing. Come on, getting to drink again? Eating normal food? Sleeping on a nice, comfortable mattress? Having A/C?”

  “Still you.”

  I shook my head, unable to fight off the blush. “You know how to bring a girl to her knees, don’t you?”

  He laughed, the sound husky and low. “I don’t know about that, but I’m not going to complain if that’s the end result.”

  My body responded instantly, my mind going wicked, my nipples tightening, a low throb beginning between my legs.

  Curiosity got the best of me. “You were holding back before, weren’t you?”

  “Maybe. A little. I didn’t know what you wanted, didn’t want to pressure you.”

  “And now?”

  “Now that I know you want me, I’m making my move.”

  Considering how lethal he’d been before, I wasn’t sure I had the willpower to withstand too many of his moves. And I didn’t want to. I wanted it all.

  “Good.”

  Alex’s attention swiveled from the road for a beat, his gaze connecting with mine, and the desire in his eyes upped the volume on the arousal spreading through my body like wildfire.

  His hand released mine as he turned his attention back to the road, and I watched, unable to tear my gaze away, as he settled his palm on the inside of my thigh. He kept it there for the remainder of the drive, as though we were more than two people on a date, the intimacy between us undeniable.

  When we got to the restaurant, we parked and he got out of the car, walking over to my side and opening the door for me.

  I grinned. “Who would have guessed you’d be such a romantic?”

  I swore his cheeks turned pink.

  “I want everything to be perfect for you tonight.”

  “It is.”

  He put his arm around me as we walked into the restaurant, instantly surrounded by soft music, linen tablecloths, white lights, and candlelight.

  The hostess led us to a small table in the corner, and Alex held my chair out before sitting down in his own. I didn’t know what I’d been expecting for our date, but somehow I hadn’t counted on how smooth he’d be.

  “What?”

  I shook my head, a smile playing at my lips. At this rate, I’d be giddy by the time the night was over.

  “You’re knocking this date out of the park.”

  “Good. I was nervous,” he confessed as a waiter came by and poured water for us.

  “Me, too. I made Jordan come over and help me decide what to wear.”

  He shot me a wolfish grin. “You guys did a good job. You look phenomenal.”

  My heart pounded, and, God, it had been years since I’d flirted, but I couldn’t resist. I wanted him to feel the same sparks exploding inside me.

  “You should see what I’m wearing under the dress.”

  He froze, the glass of water in his hand halfway between his mouth and the table. He looked surprised, and then a gleam entered his eyes, and my heart fluttered.

  “Does this mean I’m going to get to see what you’re wearing under that dress?”

  His tone was pure sex, and my body responded instantly.

  “Yes.”


  “We’re really doing this, aren’t we?”

  I nodded, my throat clogged with emotion. I didn’t know if it was that we were already friends, or the attraction I felt for him, but this was right. Solid. There weren’t any unwelcome surprises lurking around the corner—I knew him as well as you could know anyone, and at the same time, this shift in our relationship, the newness of it, at least, filled me with the kind of butterflies I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

  Alex’s gaze held mine. “This isn’t casual for me. I want to be up front with you from the start, want you to know that if we’re doing this, my goal is that we’ll end up as a family, my ring on your finger.”

  He must have read the look of panic that flashed across my face, because he continued—

  “We can go slowly; I’m not saying everything has to happen right away. I want you to be comfortable. I don’t want to push you for more than you’re ready for. This matters to me; you matter to me, and I’m all in here. I’ll wait however long I have to until you’re there, too.”

  I blinked back tears, and then I leaned across the table, my lips brushing his.

  I didn’t hold back because we were in a fancy restaurant or worry someone might see us. I didn’t care. I kissed him with everything I had, taking him by surprise and giving him all the passion and fire I had inside me until he was kissing me back with enough enthusiasm I was pretty sure the entire restaurant was watching us.

  For the first time in over a year, my future looked good from where I was sitting, and I was actually excited for what lay before me. Jordan was right; life could fuck you over in an instant, but when moments like these flew past you, you had to grab hold and savor them, clutching them to you. And when a hot fighter pilot with a heart of gold told you he wanted a future with you—

  You didn’t pass it up.

  ALEX

  It was the best date of my life, every fantasy I’d ever had of taking Dani out obliterated by the reality.

  She was funny, sweet, smart, sexy as hell. She was everything I’d ever wanted, and somehow she wanted me. I spent most of the night wondering how I’d gotten lucky enough to have her interested in me, and the rest of it doing everything I could to show her how much she meant to me.