After the Affair

by Miranda Lee

  But that was all he had bought Jason, which rather surprised Cassie. She had feared that Dan would lavish gifts on his son, spoiling him rotten in an attempt to win the boy's affection. It seemed that that wasn't necessary. Jason was already besotted, talking about his new dad non-stop.

  Cassie had also been surprised by local reaction to her coming marriage. Dan had accompanied her and Jason to the cricket game the day before, and once Jason had announced to all and sundry that this was his dad, who was marrying his mum the next day, they had been swamped with congratulations. The obvious sincerity of the good wishes had brought a lump to her throat.

  Of course, in public Dan conducted himself like a loving fiancé, holding her hand and smiling, even putting an arm around her shoulder occasionally. Cassie had found it hard not to flinch away from his show of false affection. As it was, she did hold herself stiff and tense when he touched her. It was all a strain, and on the rare occasions when they had found themselves alone, Dan had been silent and grim. Only once had he spoken, and that had been to ask her to hold out her finger so that he could check its size for her wedding ring.

  'Hey, come on, you two,' Roger called through the doorway. 'The wedding chariot awaits.'

  Cassie steeled herself and turned towards him. 'Do I look all right, boss?' she asked, a slight catch in her voice.

  Roger whistled. 'If I wasn't already mad about the mother I'd give our lad across the river a run for his money.'

  Cassie laughed. When she'd first told Roger about her coming marriage and the reason behind it, he had been slightly piqued.

  'But why didn't you tell me before?' he'd chided, then added grumpily, 'It all seems unnecessarily rushed.'

  Somewhere along the line, though, he had been won over to the idea. Perhaps, Cassie thought with dry amusement, it was after Dan had joined them for dinner on Friday night and told Roger about his planned wine cellar.

  Cassie's gaze swept over her mother and Roger, who were both looking at her with expectant faces. While she'd lain in bed the previous night, taut and sleepless, Cassie had determined to go through the ceremony showing not the slightest doubt, even going so far as to feign complete happiness. She didn't want her family to worry about her. But it was going to be tougher than she'd thought.

  Still...

  Her lips pulled back into a wide smile. 'Well, folks? What are we waiting for?'

  Roger's white station-wagon looked magnificent. The enamel gleamed with polish, the grey upholstery was freshly shampooed. But Cassie almost cried when she saw the bride doll resting on the bonnet, secured there with traditional ribbons. It seemed to represent all that was sweet and loving in a wedding, all that would be missing from her own.

  Jason was already in the car, bouncing up and down on the back seat. 'Come on, Mum. We don't want to be late.'

  'Brides are supposed to be late,' his Gran remarked as they all climbed in.

  'Why?'

  Roger laughed. 'So that when she shows up the poor bridegroom is so relieved that he forgets what a damned fool thing he's just about to do!'

  'Roger Nolan!' Joan reprimanded. 'If that's the way you think about it, you can ‑'

  Roger silenced her with a quick kiss before accelerating off.

  'Oh, yuk!' Jason squirmed. 'I hope you and Dad aren't going to be mushy like that, Mum.'

  Cassie's butterflies churned again, but she managed to give her son a reassuring smile. 'I don't think so, Jason,' she murmured.

  'That's good! One of the boys at school said you would be kissing all the time, but I told him you wouldn't. He didn't believe me, but he doesn't know you like I do, does he, Mum?'

  Cassie's stomach turned over. Out of the mouths of babes...

  'When are you going to be back from Sydney, Mum?'

  . 'Friday,' she supplied. 'Don't forget your gran is getting married next Saturday.'

  'You mean I've got to wear these horrible clothes again?' Jason wailed.

  'I'm afraid so.'

  'By the way, Cassie,' Roger joined in. 'I've hired a young chap straight out of university to help while you're gone. He can stay on while I'm away too. I might even keep him on permanently if he works out. The practice is big enough, and who knows what might happen in the near future?'

  He gave her a look in the rear-view mirror and Cassie knew exactly what he was thinking. She might get pregnant. Thinking about such matters did little for her strained state. It reminded her that in a matter of hours her marriage to Dan would be consummated. She found the prospect terrifying yet insidiously exciting. Nine years... Would it be as she remembered? Would the lack of love make a difference?

  'Here we are!' Jason squealed, bringing Cassie back to the present. 'Look, there's Dad coming down the steps. Doesn't he look terrific?'

  Yes...doesn't he? Cassie thought with a jolt. He was dressed in a dark grey suit and white silk shirt, the red tie and handkerchief providing a startling splash of colour. His hair was slicked back from his face in controlled waves, the style bringing attention to his strong, handsome face. His mouth, however, was set tightly in a clenched jaw. His eyes weren't happy. He appeared tense as he strode stiffly across the driveway to their car.

  'Our bridegroom looks jittery,' Roger laughed softly.

  'Hush, Roger,' Joan hissed.

  Cassie swallowed nervously. Jittery was exactly how she was feeling, but she doubted that nerves were the cause of Dan's formidable expression.

  Maybe he was beginning to doubt the wisdom of marrying a woman he didn't love. Maybe his egotistical and possibly vengeful wish to have her in his bed was on the wane.

  Cassie did not look up at Dan when he opened her door and stretched out his hand. She took it, and as he drew her to his feet she finally lifted her eyes. She was taken aback when he smiled at her. 'You look very beautiful,' came his softly spoken compliment.

  For a long moment they stared at each other, silent and still, and Cassie felt an overwhelming rush of emotion. It filled her soul, pierced her heart. It was blinding in its intensity.

  I love him, came the awful realisation. I've always loved him.

  She shrank from the admission, her blood going cold, her hand pulling away from his.

  Dan turned away from her, but not before she saw the renewed tightening of his features.

  'Come on, everyone,' he said with perfect control. 'The celebrant is waiting for us in the gazebo. Come, Cassie...' He turned back and took her hand without really looking at her and the group moved off.

  Somehow Cassie made it through the ceremony. She spoke when she had to speak, smiled when she had to smile, kissed when she had to kiss.

  Nothing much registered. She felt numb. All she could think was why...why...why...?

  He didn't deserve her love. He'd tried neither to win it nor to earn it. Nine years ago he had taken all she had to offer, then deserted her. Now he had swept back into her life, ridden roughshod over her emotions, then forced her to marry him. Even his love for Jason could not justify his selfishness. Cassie felt crushed by the unfairness of it all. Crushed and close to despair.

  'You look tired, darling,' her mother said afterwards as they stood sipping champagne on the veranda. Roger and Dan were talking to one side; Jason was playing with Hugo, despite dire warnings about his new suit; the celebrant had departed in the helicopter.

  'What was that, Mum?' Cassie said, her manner distracted.

  Joan was frowning at her. 'Everything is all right between you and Dan, isn't it, Cassie?'

  Cassie pulled herself together. Her mother deserved better than to be forever weighed down with her grown-up daughter's problems. As a parent she had been wonderfully supportive, even renting out her home for some years to go to Sydney to help mind Jason while Cassie went to university.

  'Of course, Mum. Don't go imagining things. I'm just tired. You know what a rush it's been this week, shopping for these clothes, packing and moving things over to Strath-haven, organising things for Jason.'

  Joan nodded in agreem
ent. 'Yes... You'll be glad of a holiday. Just as well you're not leaving till tomorrow, though. Where will you be staying in Sydney? I might need to ring you.'

  'To tell the truth, I don't have any idea where we'll be staying. Dan wants it to be a surprise.' Which was a lie. Cassie and Dan had not communicated on a private level at all during the past week. Except for the ring. She glanced down at the wide gold band, truly aware of it for the first time.

  Married, she thought shakily. For better for worse, for richer for poorer... She looked around. Well, it was certainly for richer, came the ironic thought.

  'I'll give you a call in the morning, Mum,' she said, 'and tell you where we'll be.'

  'I think it's time we made tracks, love,' Roger called to Joan. 'You know how short these days are. It'll be dark soon.'

  Cassie turned to Roger. 'You won't forget to check on Rosie, will you?' she asked, unable to keep the anxiety from her voice.

  Roger came over with a big smile on his face and hugged her. 'Now don't you worry your pretty head about that horse of yours, my dear. I wouldn't miss an excuse to come out and visit your mother, now, would I?'

  'Is there some problem with a horse?' Dan asked. 'Cassie?' His face was faintly reproachful.

  Cassie stiffened instantly, causing Roger to give her a puzzled look. She made a conscious effort to relax and smile. 'Not really. I'm just an old worry-wart. Like Mum. Come on, you two, off you go. I know you have things to do. Jason! Time to go!'

  Her mother became tearful now that the time had come to say goodbye. Even Jason seemed subdued. Cassie bent down and gave him a big hug and a kiss. For once he didn't complain about her being mushy. He hung on tightly. 'You're to be a good boy for Gran,' she said, her voice thick, 'and when Daddy and I get back we'll come and get you.'

  'Straight away? You promise?'

  'I promise.' He sounded so young, Cassie thought, with a clutch at her heartstrings. She gave him another squeeze, shutting her eyes tight to stop her own tears from spilling over. When she opened them to look over Jason's shoulder, she saw that Dan was watching her. His face was totally unreadable.

  'Got a hug for me, too, son?' he asked.

  For some unaccountable reason, Jason did not answer. Or turn around. He buried his face in his mother's neck, almost knocking her hat off.

  Dan knelt down close. 'I'm not taking your Mummy away for long, Jason,' he reassured him gently. 'We'll ring you every night. And next year we'll all go on holidays together. To anywhere you'd like to go.'

  Jason glanced over his shoulder, his eyes brightening through the wet lashes. To Disneyland?'

  'Disneyland it is!'

  Jason threw himself into his father's arms with a tiny sob. Tears trickled down Cassie's cheeks, making her turn away.

  By the time the small group departed Cassie was feeling like a wrung-out dishcloth. She stood, mournfully watching the station-wagon disappear in the distance, her whole body sagging with exhaustion.

  'Come, Cassie...'

  She did not resist when Dan took her elbow.

  'It's bedtime for you,' he said as he took her inside the front door.

  She stopped and looked up at him. 'Bed?' she repeated shakily.

  'Yes.'

  A tremor ran through her. Couldn't he even wait till it was decently dark? A lone tear trickled down her cheek, but she had no energy left to fight him. And he had won, hadn't he? She had never really stopped loving him, no matter what he had done, or what he did now.

  He led her upstairs like a child, turning her into the first bedroom on the right. Cassie had been in the room the day before, unpacking her meagre things, only half filling the expansive walk-in wardrobe. At the time she had gazed around the large, almost empty room, pretending all the while to be considering what sort of furniture would suit.

  But her eyes and mind had been mainly focusing on the king-sized brass bed, her imagination projecting her forward to this moment in time. Her mental fantasy had been filled with desire and passion, hearts pounding and naked flesh burning. Even after she had gone home the thought of Dan finally making love to her had kept her awake most of the night.

  Now her eyes were dull. Her mind blank. Her heart heavy.

  She stared down at her marriage bed, and all she longed to do was sink into the downy white quilt, to lay her head on the pillows, to escape into the oblivion of sleep. No desire heated her veins. No passion pricked her senses. She felt listless and defeated—a rag doll.

  'Here... Let me help you.' Dan removed her hat, throwing it on to a nearby chair. Her hair began to tumble down, but she made no move to fix it. She stood woodenly while he moved behind her and undid the hook at her neck. She remained totally unaffected.

  The zip presented little problem for Dan's skilful hands, and once the dress was slipped from her shoulders and off her arms it puddled to the floor. He took her hand and stepped her out of it.

  Cassie dimly heard him catch his breath. She had been wearing a white strapless bra and half-slip under her dress, the garments chosen for necessity of style rather than eroticism. But both were made of fine silk, and did little to hide her womanly curves.

  She was mildly surprised when Dan took her hand and led her over to the side of the bed, making her sit down. But she showed no resistance, going along with whatever he wanted in a numbed, robotic trance.

  Yet when he knelt and gently removed one of her shoes her own breath suddenly stuck in her throat. His touch was infinitely light along her ankle, a seductive feather-caress on her flesh. And when he moved to pick up her other foot she actually flinched, her eyes widening.

  His head snapped up to stare at her, his gaze frowning and thoughtful before returning to his task.

  Cassie pushed clenched fists down into the mattress at her sides, fighting the unexpected sensations his touch was creating inside her. No... She didn't want to feel that... Not now! If anything, she wanted to hate him for making her love him.

  But what had lain dormant, suppressed by nerves, dulled by weariness, dampened by champagne, was slowly, inexorably stirring into life.

  'Lie back,' he ordered, his voice husky.

  She swallowed, but did as he asked, tension gripping her insides. When his hands slid up under her slip to peel back her stockings a sliver of intense excitement shot up her spine. Shaken, she levered herself up on one elbow to watch the stockings join the hat in the corner.

  When Dan took hold of both her hands and pulled her to her feet she stared up at him, the battle for control still written on her face. His gaze was intent as his right hand came up to push the hair back behind her ear. It lingered on her neck, the thumb rubbing the sensitive skin at the base of her throat in slow circular movements.

  For a moment Cassie relaxed, seduced into compliancy by the mesmerising touch. She closed her eyes, the darkness making her even more aware of Dan's hand. It was delicate and sensual. And arousing. Every nerve in Cassie's body started screaming for him to do so much more. She wanted both his hands on her body. She wanted them on her breasts, her stomach, her thighs. She wanted them to search and invade, to bring her to that excruciating edge when ‑

  The shocking wantonness of her thoughts jerked Cassie's head away from his hand. Her eyes flew open in a type of stunned horror.

  Dan glared at her, then swore under his breath.

  Clearly angry, he turned away to yank down the quilt. 'Get into bed, Cassie,' came the gruff order.

  She hesitated, but slowly climbed in, frowning when he pulled the quilt back up around her shoulders. 'But I thought you ‑'

  'Go to sleep, Cassie!' he snapped. 'Even I'm not so much a bastard as to take you when you're dead on your feet. And so clearly unwilling.'

  'But, Dan, I ‑' She stopped. He was already walking from the room. To call after him, to explain that he had misunderstood her reactions, to beg him to come back was impossible. She had some pride left.

  She stared after him, willing him to turn around. But he kept on going. And when the door actually
shut, Cassie had no option but to accept that her marriage was not to be consummated that night.

  She groaned and threw herself into the pillow, disappointment an acute pain in her heart. And while she supposed that Dan's leaving had been considerate and uncharacteristically sensitive, she couldn't get rid of the feeling that, when the moment had finally come, he hadn't wanted her all that much. The Dan of old would not have walked away, could not have walked away. But then, the Dan of old had loved her...in a fashion.

  Sobs welled up inside Cassie till she could no longer hold them back. She cried and she cried. And when at last she fell asleep, clutching the pillow, she wasn't to know that Dan did come back, some time later.

  He stood at the side of the bed, staring down at her, his eyes narrowing when he saw the tear-streaks on her cheeks. He dragged in a deep, unsteady breath, then turned, snapping off the light before leaving the room.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Cassie woke to semi-darkness, jerking upright in the bed. It was several seconds before she realised where she was. And that she was still alone.

  She sank back down on the pillow and let out a trembling sigh, then reached over to switch on the bedside lamp. She glanced at her watch. Ten-past six. She had been asleep for over ten hours!

  Her eyes darted to the door which was slightly ajar. Had Dan come back during the night? If so, why hadn't he come to bed? Why had he left her alone when he'd been so adamant all along that he wanted her?

  The more Cassie thought about Dan's actions the night before, the more confused she became. Nothing made sense. Unless...

  Could it be possible that he really did care about her, that his feelings encompassed more than a wish to possess her physically? It would explain his kind consideration in letting her sleep alone.

  Or was it that his desire for her had waned now that he had won his objective? Maybe all he'd really wanted was his ring on her finger and Jason under his roof. Dismay curled in her stomach. Oh, God... What if he never wanted to make love to her? What if he had tricked her into a ghastly shell of a marriage? What if...?