After the Affair

by Miranda Lee

  'Would she?' Dan murmured, holding her eyes, probing, as if wondering whether she cared enough to be jealous...or possessive.

  Mrs Bertram popped her head inside the door. 'Anyone for more coffee?'

  They both declined, but the intimate moment was broken.

  'I have to make a few business calls after breakfast,' Dan explained once Mrs Bertram had gone. 'I'm sorry to leave you alone, but I don't want to be bothered with anything while we're away. The helicopter will be here around eleven, and we should be at the Regent in time for lunch.'

  Cassie's heart skipped a beat. 'The Regent? Is that where we're staying?'

  'Yes... Didn't I tell you before? Sorry. I've been staying there occasionally since ‑' He broke off, his jaw clenched down hard, his chest rising and falling in an impatient sigh.

  Since...? Since when? Cassie worried. What was Dan thinking about to give him that strained look?

  He looked up at her, his expression now one of schooled blandness. 'It's a very good hotel. You'll like it, I'm sure.'

  Her palms were clammy where they gripped the cutlery. 'What...what should I pack? Clothes-wise...'

  Dan picked up his coffee-cup and drained it. 'What? Oh, yes...clothes. . Without batting, an eyelid he said, 'As little as possible.'

  Her blush was instantaneous. Dan frowned, then laughed. But it was not a light laugh. It had a harsh edge. 'Sorry. I wasn't trying to embarrass you. The helicopter has a weight problem when it carries two passengers. Not only that...' He hesitated.

  'What?'

  'I couldn't help noticing when you brought over your clothes that you don't own much in the way of feminine finery. I'll take you shopping this afternoon. I know you don't care for extravagances, but I have a mind to see my wife in designer labels.' He smiled, and again the gesture did not carry much warmth.

  Cassie's whole insides tightened. 'If that's what you want...'

  His black eyes swept over her, and he muttered something under his breath. There was a slight shake of his head as he got to his feet, as if he were annoyed with himself, but when he looked up at her next his smile was quite charming. 'Haven't you got some phone calls to make as well?' he asked. 'I heard you tell your mother you would ring and let her know where we'd be staying. And I suppose you'll want to ring Roger about the horse.'

  Cassie nodded.

  'Better get a move on, then. It's nearly ten already.'

  He turned away from the table and strode from the room, leaving Cassie to sit alone and worry. Why had Dan's moods changed so? First when she'd mentioned the studio, then later, when he'd been telling her about the Regent.

  What had he been going to say about the hotel? Probably that he'd stayed there on and off since Roberta died, she decided.

  Cassie vividly remembered his pained look, and the way he'd had to choke off his words. Had he loved his wife that much?

  Cassie blocked out the surge of jealousy and tried to face facts. What was the truth about their affair all those years ago? Had Dan really been getting a divorce, or had his marriage just been going through a bad patch, with his finding comfort in Cassie's arms, only to race back to his wife as soon as she needed him?

  In the light of Dan's new and kinder manner, Cassie now wanted to know, really know, for it was impossible to found a marriage on misunderstandings and lies. Better she know the truth too, ho matter how it hurt.

  Had he somehow loved them both, she mused, but had ultimately chosen the woman he'd felt he owed the most allegiance to?

  Cassie clung to this most hopeful of the possibilities, reassuring herself that, while Dan had chosen his wife, he had at least tried to let her down as lightly as possible. Under those circumstances, he wouldn't have mentioned his wife in that letter he'd written. Neither would he have dreamt of Cassie getting pregnant. That had been her stupidity!

  No...to be fair, Dan was not as black a character as she had believed all these years, Cassie now decided generously.

  But, given this line of thought, why had he been annoyed when she'd mentioned the studio?

  Cassie sighed. She was doing it again, going round and round in circles. And all because they had never really talked, never opened up to each other. There had been too much hurt, too much bitterness, on both sides. They had both been at fault, because they had both felt betrayed; she by Dan's abandonment, he by her keeping him in ignorance of Jason.

  So, where do you go from here, Cassie? an inner voice challenged.

  She stood up, lifted her chin and squared her shoulders.

  To Sydney, came the answer.

  To the Regent.

  And privacy.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  The trip to Sydney was nerve-racking. At the beginning the pilot, Paul, kept sliding curious glances her way, making Cassie blush. She imagined that he was vividly recalling the scene he had encountered in the library, which did nothing for her composure.

  Dan was broodingly silent for the entire flight, which didn't exactly help. He sat there, in his formidable pin-striped suit, thinking about God knew what, and precluding any attempt on Cassie's part for conversation.

  On top of that, Cassie was terrified that they might crash. She hadn't realised she would be afraid, having flown a few times before in her university days. But this was so different. Before she had been in a regular-sized plane. The helicopter seemed too small. And too flimsy! Jason would certainly not be allowed to go up in it again!

  She was so uptight, she couldn't even appreciate the aerial view of Sydney as they came in to land. Cassie just stared steadfastly forwards, gripping the sides of her seat with knuckle-whitening force. When the helicopter hovered to a halt on the helipad, her attempt to suppress a sob of relief was without success. Dan darted her a sharp look.

  He sighed, but from that moment was solicitous and caring of her needs. He helped her alight and led her numbed body across the cement roof, then held her arm all the way down on the lift ride before propelling her through a busy foyer out into a waiting taxi.

  Cassie climbed over into the far corner of the back seat, huddling into it like a frightened animal. Dan gave her another of his exasperated looks before putting an arm around her shoulder and firmly pulling her close.

  Cassie slanted him a surprised look, but when she met a stubborn glare in return she gave in gracefully and settled into the crook of his arm. It was really a very pleasant and relaxing position, for his body made a warm haven against the surprisingly chilly Sydney air. Cassie had dressed in a green linen jumpsuit and had thought the long-sleeved style a good choice for a mild spring day, but the clouds had gathered over Sydney and a brisk wind was blowing.

  Cassie gradually grew aware of much more than Dan's warmth. His taut thigh was pressed against hers, and she could hear his heart beating. It was going faster, she thought, than his outwardly bland appearance warranted, and making her fertile imagination hurtle forward to the moment when they would finally be alone, when he would take her in his arms and make love to her.

  Dan's desire for her was the one thing she no longer sought to question in her mind. No matter how he felt in his heart, he did want her. That, she was sure of.

  The Regent was all and more than she had thought it would be. No hotel gained such an international reputation lightly. But it was the service afforded Dan that impressed Cassie the most. It was 'Good afternoon, Mr McKay', 'Lovely to see you again, Mr McKay', 'Of course, Mr McKay', every step of the way. When he casually mentioned that he would like a salad lunch served in his suite the meal practically preceded them, wheeled in on an elegant trolley within seconds of their walking into their rooms.

  Cassie was speechless for a second at the sheer extravagance of their accommodation. Dan's wealth came home to her with a jolt as her eyes took in the massive bedroom and sitting-room, and the exquisite marble bathroom, not to mention the spectacular view. This must have cost a fortune, she thought dazedly, and wandered over to stand gazing at the water and the Harbour bridge.

  'It's even
better at night,' Dan said, coming up behind Cassie to place curving hands over her shoulders. She forced herself to relax back against him, but her nerves were at screaming point.

  What now? she worried. A chatty lunch, then a long shopping expedition, with her stomach in knots all the while? Oh, God, she couldn't eat a thing, and she no more wanted to go shopping than fly to the moon.

  When an involuntary sigh puffed from her lips he turned her to face him. 'You're not tired, are you?'

  She looked up into his tense face, and for the first time appreciated that Dan was under strain as well. His emotions were probably as confused as hers, she realised. Perhaps he thought, as he had the previous night, that she was unwilling. Maybe if she...

  A nervous spasm claimed her insides, but a mad recklessness drove her to slide her arms up around his neck and lift herself up on tiptoe, her lips hovering just beneath his. 'Make love to me, Dan,' she whispered shakily. 'Now... Please...'

  A frown gathered on his handsome face. 'Now?'

  Her heart was thudding in her ears. 'Yes,' she whispered.

  His face contorted in almost violent rejection as he wrenched her arms down and whirled away, stalking over to the corner of the room. He stood with feet apart, glaring fiercely through the window down at the traffic below, the rigid shoulders and clenched fists telegraphing his inner upheaval.

  For her part, Cassie was totally shattered. Had she been so wrong? 'Don't...don't you want to make love to me, Dan?' she managed to choke out, feeling more wretchedly vulnerable than she ever had in her life. She had bared her heart to him, given up her defences...

  He turned with grinding slowness to face her, his expression bitter. 'You know I do. But not like this. Not to get it over with because...' His hands lifted and fell in a helpless, tormented frustration. 'I don't want you as some sort of maternal sacrifice, Cassie. When I take you to bed, I want you to want me—as a woman wants a man.'

  The searing need in his voice forced Cassie to answer with her own. 'I do want you, Dan.'

  He made a harsh, guttural sound.

  'I do!' she insisted vehemently, taking a tentative step towards him as she searched desperately for words to convince him. The truth now— nothing but the truth would bridge this terrible chasm of misunderstanding. 'I...I wanted you last night, too...'

  Disbelief shot into his black gaze. 'You shrank away from me last night, Cassie,' he accused. 'I didn't imagine that. You hated my touching you. God knows, you warned me...that you'd despise me for it...but...'

  She came another step closer. 'No! You misunderstood.' Her voice was urgent, frantic. 'Perhaps at first... I wanted to hate you because I... Oh, Dan, don't you see? When you kept touching me, in the end I couldn't help myself. I...' The words trailed away as she saw his mouth twist with bitter distaste.

  'Couldn't help yourself, Cassie? God, you don't leave a man much pride, do you? Telling me that you're so starved of sex that you'd even tolerate a partner you despise in order to gain satisfaction.'

  'That's not what I meant!' she cried. With mounting horror, Cassie began to see what she had wrought with her own stupidly proud words that night in the library—her crazed defiance of his accusations—and all because she had wanted him—only him! 'I don't despise you, Dan, I...' She stopped, realising suddenly and shockingly that if she said she loved him, he wouldn't believe her.

  'You what? Love me?' He gave a brutal little laugh. 'I'm not a dreamer, Cassie. I've had to face too many harsh realities in my life, and one more is that underneath all your brave little gestures you detest me! Don't bother denying it. I've seen it often enough in your eyes.' One hand shot out to clasp her chin. He lifted her face with cruel fingers. 'You have very expressive eyes, Cassie,' he ground out. 'They don't lie...'

  His own eyes darkened and narrowed, frightening her for a moment. Then suddenly his hand gentled, his expression becoming heart-meltingly tender. 'Lovely eyes,' he murmured thickly.

  'Lovely eyes... Lovely mouth. . His thumb rubbed over her lips. 'Lovely body...' His hands grazed down over her breasts.

  He shut his eyes and groaned. His anguish tore at her heart, compelling her to comfort him. Quite instinctively she wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him to her. 'Oh, Dan...don't... Please, don't... You must listen to me ‑'

  'Listen to what now?' he snarled, pulling back from her. 'More lies?'

  Cassie gazed up at him.

  His eyes were open, and the hardness had returned.

  'I don't want to listen any more,' he grated out. 'I'm tired of it all. So tired... Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I should stop fighting myself and just take what you keep offering. Maybe all we'll ever have together is this!'

  She had no time to say anything before he jerked her back into his arms, bending his mouth to hers, obliterating the light, obliterating the world, obliterating everything but Cassie's awareness of him, his mouth, his arms, every inch of his body. And after a while it didn't seem to matter if he took her in anger. So long as he took her!

  With a low moan she gave herself up to the lips that were devouring hers, to the hands that even now were moulding her body to his with such devastating intimacy. His tongue plunged deep in her mouth again and again till the thudding in her temples reached a blinding crescendo.

  Finally she had to gasp away to catch her breath.

  'No!' he growled, cupping her face with brutal hands, glowering down at her with those hot, black pools. 'Don't do that... You asked for this, and you will do it my way... Give me your mouth... Breathe my breath if you have to...I want some part of you joined to me while I undress you...'

  The erotic power of Dan's words blasted a searing heat into Cassie's body. Her cheeks flamed. Her limbs melted.

  'Open your mouth, Cassie,' he ordered thickly, groaning when she offered her parted lips once more.

  She knew that with her silent submission to his request she had surrendered more to him than her mouth. More than her body. This was what he had once vowed he'd wanted. Her very soul! But she no longer cared. Let him do with her as he willed.

  His hands were on her clothes, undoing the buttons on her jumpsuit, dragging it across her shoulders and down her arms, letting it fall to the floor around her feet. He stepped her out of her shoes. Yet all the while their mouths were as one. The blood was pounding in Cassie's head. Her whole insides were twisted in a knot of yearning. Every nerve-ending was jangling.

  Her heart stopped as she felt his fingers on the clasp of her bra, and then her breasts were free, falling unfettered into his hands. She moaned softly into his mouth as he caressed her. Her legs began to quiver.

  His kiss kept her from sinking floorwards. His kiss and his hands. Suddenly they weren't gentle on her flesh, but she didn't mind. She was as wild with passion as he seemed to be. She wanted him to be rough with her breasts, to lift the swollen mounds, to torment them, to feed this mad, fomenting need inside her. And he did, ravaging the tender flesh mercilessly, rubbing the sensitive, aching peaks till she whimpered in her pained pleasure.

  He stopped kissing her, sliding his hot, moist mouth down the throbbing column of her neck, all the while murmuring her name. Over and over he said it. 'Cassie... Cassie...'

  Then abruptly he scooped her up into his arms and laid her across the bottom corner of the bed, letting her head drop over the side, her soft hair falling floorwards from her neck. He took her arms and pushed them back on either side of her head, the position lifting her breasts to his questing lips. Cassie arched upwards, and as he drew one ripe, aroused nipple into the hot cavern of his mouth an animal sound husked from her parted lips. She found herself staring up at the windows, blindly gazing at the upside-down view.

  Cassie's head was spinning. The room was spinning. Dazedly she grew aware that Dan had abandoned her flesh, that he was stripping off his clothes. And then he was back, lifting her head gently on to the bed, running his hands lightly down her body, peeling off the last scrap of clothing between them.

  'So beautiful,'
he murmured.

  She was like liquid, her limbs heavy, her body consumed with a strange, drugging heat. She shut her eyes, making herself more aware of Dan's exploratory touch. His hands skimmed over her flesh, grazing her nipples, circling into her navel, then gently dipping between her thighs.

  Her legs parted of their own accord, opening her body to his touch. She became languorous in his caresses, murmuring his name. His mouth replaced his hands, kissing her everywhere. More and more she opened to him. More and more.

  She gasped when his lips moved intimately against her, but the pleasure was shockingly addictive. Electric jolts shivered along her veins. A mounting tension claimed her insides.

  'Don't stop, don't stop,' came her impassioned, shivering words when he suddenly abandoned her.

  His laugh had a harsh, triumphant sound to it. But he bent his head once more, repeating the blissful torture, taking her once again to the exciting edge of the abyss. It was ecstasy and agony. Heaven and hell. 'Oh, God!' she cried, her head threshing from side to side as the excruciating, nerve-tingling, irresistible pleasure was snatched from her once more. 'Please...oh, please,' she begged, squeezing her eyes tightly shut.

  'Look at me, Cassie,' he growled. 'Open your eyes and look at me!'

  She moaned and her eyes fluttered open to gaze pleadingly up at him. He was standing at the foot of the bed, his hair dishevelled, his breathing ragged, magnificent and virile in his nakedness.

  'Now tell me you want me!' he ground out.

  She opened dry lips. 'I want you ‑'

  'I want you, Dan. Say it!'

  'I want you, Dan,' she sobbed.

  Never had she seen such a look. So triumphant, yet so ghastly. Every muscle in his face was drawn tight, his eyes glittering like those of a madman. He made a hoarse sound, then stepped forward to abruptly slide his hands under her buttocks. She suddenly felt like a dissociated object, stretched out before him on the quilt, he still standing beside the bed.

  'Dan... No... Not like this...'

  But he ignored her, his face contorted as he plunged into her, groaning as he wrapped her legs tightly around him, then grasped her hips in a vice-like grip. She had no leverage to struggle against him, and in truth she no longer wanted to struggle. Her body had surged with an indescribable sensation at his forceful possession. Nothing, she thought, could be more right than to be joined like this to the man she loved.