by T. L. Haddix
She felt the weight of their gazes as she climbed the stairs. Once she was in her bedroom, she closed the door and leaned back against it.
Sawyer had kissed her. Honest-to-God kissed her. And it wasn’t nearly enough.
Sydney didn’t know what the kiss meant. She tried to convince herself it was an aberration because believing it was anything else would just lead to heartache down the road.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Instead of the teasing Sawyer was expecting from Lee, he found himself on the receiving end of a concerned assessment.
“What?” he asked. He stripped his jacket off and tossed it over a barstool as he headed to the fridge. “Beer?”
Lee took the proffered bottle. “You have feelings for her.”
Sawyer didn’t respond. He went out onto the balcony, the one Sydney was afraid of, and popped the top off his own beer.
Lee followed. “You know she’s halfway in love with you.”
“It’s just a crush.”
“No. I don’t think so.”
Sawyer studied the man he’d mentored ten years earlier. Lee mostly let life roll off his back like a duck would water. He took some flak from LEOs who didn’t know him because of that attitude. So any time he grew serious, Sawyer listened.
“It would never work between us.”
Lee shrugged. “That’s what she said. Doesn’t stop her from having feelings for you or you for her.”
“No, I guess not.” Sawyer sighed and sat down on one of the lounges. “Short of firing her and getting some distance between us, I don’t know what to do.”
Lee sat beside him on a second lounge. “Why not see where it goes? Remember that discussion we had the other day about puppies and kittens?”
Sawyer rolled the bottle between his hands. “It’s hard to adopt babies. And I’m almost fifty.”
When Lee handed him his cell phone, a website displayed on the screen, Sawyer frowned. “What’s this?”
“It’s called Google. You can find out all kinds of things by using it, like what sort of restrictions there are on couples wanting to adopt. As it happens, age isn’t as important as it used to be. What’s your next argument?”
“Let’s follow your ridiculous train of thought. Say I did end up in a relationship with—”
“Married to,” Lee interrupted.
Sawyer scowled. “Fine. Married to Sydney. Say that’s where we ended up. She might not want kids that aren’t hers. A lot of women don’t.”
“I’ve not seen anything about her that would lead me to think she’s like that. Have you?”
He wasn’t about to admit that Sydney might be more than open to the idea. “You’re putting the cart before the horse,” he told Lee instead.
“Somebody better get it ready to hitch up, the way you two were looking at each other tonight. I don’t mean to be pushy.”
Sawyer snorted. “Really?”
Lee grinned. “Okay, maybe I do. But you’re like a brother to me. And I know you’re struggling with how you feel about her. I just don’t think there’s any reason for you to fight it so hard, that’s all. Let what happens, happen. Life’s too short to waste playing it as safe as you do, Sawyer. You know that. What would you say if our situations were reversed?”
Any answer he gave would make him come across as a complete and total hypocrite, and Sawyer knew that. “What do you want me to say?”
“It isn’t what I want you to say. It’s what I want you to realize—that you have choices. With this woman, as it pertains to children… life doesn’t have to be as empty as you’ve made it.”
“Damn, Lee, what are you? Dr. Phil’s off-screen partner?”
Lee smiled. “Nah. But I maybe had a couple of drinks while I was waiting on the two of you. I’m a bit snookered. You know how I get when I drink.”
Sawyer shook his head. “You’d better watch it or you’ll end up getting some of your own medicine.”
“I can think of worse things than being loved by a beautiful woman,” he said around a yawn. “I’m going to turn in. Thanks for the couch.”
“Any time.”
The night was warm, a pleasant breeze blowing across the hill. Even though he had to get an early start tomorrow, Sawyer couldn’t bring himself to go inside. To climb up the stairs and bypass Sydney’s bedroom, to lie on his own bed and stare at the ceiling for three hours until he drifted into a fitful sleep. If he was going to be awake, he might as well be out in the fresh air.
To his surprise, he started getting sleepy less than an hour after Lee had gone in. Hoping he could get some rest, he headed inside, taking care not to disturb Lee, who was snoring softly on the pull-out sofa bed. Upstairs, he’d just gotten stripped down and was pulling back the covers when his phone buzzed. Rachel’s name showed on the display.
“What the heck?” It was almost midnight, not a time when she typically called him. A chill went down his spine. “Hello?”
“Sawyer? Are you with Sydney?” Rachel’s voice was strained. He knew immediately something was very wrong.
“She’s next door. What’s going on?”
“It’s Eli. He’s been hurt. We don’t know how bad yet, but it doesn’t sound good. Noah… he saw him.” She had to stop to clear her throat.
Sawyer closed his eyes. “Oh, God.”
“Anyhow, Archer’s calling Sydney now. This is going to hit her hard.”
“I know. How are John and Zanny and your parents?” He heard the muted ringing of Sydney’s phone through the wall that separated their rooms. Grabbing his pajama bottoms, he tugged them on.
“Not good. John got in touch with his CO here in the states and the guy confirmed that Eli’s been injured, but he couldn’t tell them anything other than it was serious. They’re flying him out of Afghanistan to Germany. John, Zanny, Noah, and Molly are on a plane to meet him there.”
Sawyer cursed. “Sydney just got the call. I’d better go. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Sawyer? Keep her safe.”
“I will.”
He hurried next door and knocked softly on her door.
“Come in.”
She was sitting on the bed, her face reflecting her utter devastation as she listened to the call. Sawyer closed the door and crossed to sit beside her. She couldn’t speak, couldn’t even respond to her father, Sawyer saw. He gently took the phone from her and put his arm around her shoulder as he spoke to Archer.
“Hey. It’s Sawyer. Rachel just called me.”
Sydney got up, excusing herself to run into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
“Hey. We waited to call until we knew more. They confirmed it with his CO tonight about six and caught a ten o’clock flight out.”
“That’s what Rachel said.” Sawyer walked over to the bathroom door, listening carefully. Sydney was crying, but that wasn’t unexpected.
“Yeah. And unless there’s bad news, we probably won’t know any more until sometime tomorrow.” Archer sighed. “We thought about not calling you all until the morning, but if something does happen…”
“I understand. What can we do?”
“Not a damned, fucking thing,” Archer growled. “Sorry. Things are a little raw here.”
“Don’t apologize. Do we need to head home tonight?”
“I’d rather you wait until tomorrow. Try to get some rest if you can. Sydney texted earlier that it’d been a long day, and we don’t need to worry about the two of you being on the road while you’re tired. How is she?”
Sawyer laid his free hand on the door. “Upset. She’s in the bathroom. God, Archer, I hate this.”
The other man swallowed. “So do I. Take care of my little girl, you hear me?”
“Yeah. I will.”
“If she needs to call, tell her to, no matter what time it is.”
“Okay. Let us know if we can do anything.”
Once he’d hung up, he tapped on the door. “Sydney?”
“I’ll be out in a minute.”
Sawyer paced to the window beside the bed, staring out into the night as he waited. After what felt like an hour, the door opened and she emerged. Her face was pale, though her eyes and the tip of her nose were red. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest.
“Tell me how I can help,” Sawyer said.
She shrugged and tried to smile. “I don’t know.” But her smile melted as tears returned. “Oh, God, why?”
He wasted no time in getting to her, pulling her tightly into his arms as she sobbed. “I’m so sorry, Sydney. So damned sorry.”
She was so fragile, he thought as he held her. Too fragile to hurt so much. He couldn’t stand seeing her pain, but there wasn’t a damned thing he could do to stop it.
When she started to lean into him heavily, he knew she was going down. Acting quickly, he caught her up in his arms and carried her to the bed, sitting down with her in his lap.
“D-daddy said N-Noah saw him,” she whispered. “He saw him, Sawyer. You know what that means.”
Sawyer was terrified he did. “I don’t think his CO would hold something like that back, though. And Rachel said the man would only confirm Eli was hurt. Maybe Noah saw him because they’re brothers. It doesn’t have to mean he’s gone.”
She sucked in a shuddering breath, trying to get a grip on her emotions. “I hope you’re right.”
“So do I.” Sawyer picked up the box of Kleenex from the nightstand and put it beside his hip, handing her some of the tissues. “Here.”
She wasn’t wearing her glasses, and he gently blotted her eyes. His chest was damp from her tears, and when she used the tissues he’d given her to try to dry him off, Sawyer felt his heart break. He kissed her forehead.
“Nice sleep shirt,” he said in an attempt to distract her.
She gave a bark of laughter and looked down at the sleeveless tunic-style oversized shirt that covered her from chest to knees. “You like Hello Kitty? I never would have guessed.”
“Who doesn’t? Ah, Sydney. What a fucking mess.”
“I know. I don’t know what to do.” She tucked her face back into his shoulder, sniffling. Her fingers lightly touched his chest before curling into a fist under her chin. “Did Daddy want us to come home?”
“Not tonight. He wants us to wait, just to be safe. I figured we’d head out in the morning.”
“What about your lecture?”
“Hang the lecture.”
She sat up, drawing back to look at him. “No.”
Sawyer lifted an eyebrow. “No?”
“You need to go through with it. We can leave after you’re done. Whether we get on the road at eight o’clock or ten thirty, there’s nothing we can do. Not for Eli or anyone else. You made a commitment. I won’t let this interfere with it.”
There were some strands of hair sticking to the side of her face, and he brushed them back, tucking them behind her ear. “Why don’t we wait until morning to decide?”
She nodded. “If he doesn’t make it… That would kill Noah. With things the way they are between them…” Tears welled up in her eyes again, and she covered her mouth with her hand.
“Try to stay positive,” he said, tightening his arms around her. “It might not be as bad as it sounds.”
But Noah had seen Eli. That was something Sawyer couldn’t discount. He knew the same thought weighed heavily on Sydney’s mind.
They sat there for several minutes, Sawyer just holding her as the grief came in waves. A quiet knock sounded on the bedroom door, and Lee’s voice came through.
“Everything okay?”
“Will you tell him?” Sydney whispered, getting to her feet.
“Sure.” He ran a hand across her hair, then went to the door. When he opened it, Lee moved back, concern etched on his face. “Hey.”
“She okay?” Lee asked.
“No.” Sawyer explained the situation. “It doesn’t sound good,” he told the other man in a low voice. “She knows that. He’s like a brother to her.”
Lee rubbed a hand across his jaw. “That sucks. Is there anything I can do?”
“No. Just pray.”
“Of course. Goes without saying. Let me know if you need anything. I’ll head back downstairs.”
“Sorry that we woke you.”
He scowled. “Don’t even go there. Holler if you need me.”
“Thanks, Lee.”
Sawyer leaned against the door briefly before going back inside. Sydney was standing by the window, her posture completely forlorn and lost. He walked up behind her.
“How can I help?”
She shook her head slowly. “You can’t.”
Taking a chance, he settled his hands on her shoulders and lightly rubbed. “Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”
Her breath hitched as she turned around. She tilted her head. “I hate to ask you to do that.”
Sawyer cupped her face. “You aren’t asking.”
She dipped her chin, nuzzling into his palm. “Please?”
“Which side of the bed do you want?”
Her smile was tiny, but it was a smile. “I don’t care.”
As they settled in beside each other, Sawyer thought about his dreams from the night before. He couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t eager to feel Sydney’s body beside his, but his focus was entirely different now than it had been.
She turned the light off, then snuggled into the mattress with a sigh. “Thank you for staying,” she whispered.
“Is it okay if I hold you?”
“Yes.”
He rolled over and eased his arms around her, taking care not to move too fast. “Do you have your alarm set?”
“Six thirty. I doubt I’ll sleep, though.”
“I know.” Sawyer reached up and brushed her hair back, letting his fingers slide through the thick tresses.
“That feels nice.”
For a long time, he stroked her hair, the side of her face. He traced the shell of her ear and rubbed the spot where her neck met her shoulder, feeling her muscles slowly relax. The touch was comforting for him, too.
He didn’t know Eli that well, as he’d not had much to do with him when he and Noah were boys, and Eli had been gone from Hazard since he was eighteen or so. But he was a Campbell, and there was a connection there. The thought of losing him hurt, both personally and because of what it might mean for Sydney and Noah and the rest of the family.
After a while, Sydney sighed, her body relaxing fully. Sawyer didn’t stop caressing her for a few minutes, though, not until he was sure she was asleep. He hadn’t expected her to go to drift off so quickly, and he wondered then just how badly she’d slept the night before.
The warmth of her, the softness, was astounding. As fragile as she appeared, her muscles were strong, her body very real and solid against his. He realized as his eyes grew heavy that he’d been deluding himself by thinking he’d be able to keep his distance from her. No, his fate had been set in stone from the first moment he’d seen her at the Sunday dinner at the farm weeks earlier.
He couldn’t think in terms of permanency. That sort of relationship wasn’t in his lexicon anymore. But as soon as the crisis in her personal life straightened out, Sawyer was going to make his move. He’d ask her out for dinner, see where things went. He needed to be with her in a way he hadn’t needed anyone for a long time.
Chapter Thirty
Sydney woke up at four. She was on her right side, her arm around Sawyer’s waist. To her fascinated horror, her hand was flat on his belly, low,
right above the waistband of his pajama bottoms. If she moved her hand just a bit lower… But she couldn’t do that. She wouldn’t do that. Instead, she eased her arm back to her side and rolled over. He barely moved, and she gave a quiet sigh of relief. She was feeling entirely too vulnerable to deal with an awake, sleep-tumbled Sawyer right now.
The clock on the nightstand slowly counted off time as she stared at the ceiling, glancing at it every couple of minutes and wishing time would move faster. She wanted to scream at the frustration of waiting for word on Eli. Having flown overseas with Adam a few times, she knew John and Zanny’s flight would be a long one, and not to expect to hear anything before noon at the earliest. Lying here, not able to do anything, was threatening to drive her insane. She needed to do something. But here at the cabin there wasn’t anything to do.
By four thirty, she knew if she didn’t get up and move she was going to lose her mind. Carefully, she eased out of bed, doing her best not to wake Sawyer. She decided to use the bathroom in his room to keep from disturbing him, and put her glasses on, then grabbed her robe and headed for the door.
Once finished with that, she went on out to the balcony off his bedroom. It was much higher off the ground than she was typically comfortable going, but tonight, she felt reckless. She needed the adrenaline rush of standing on a surface that wasn’t, to her phobic mind, solid. She needed to feel the fear to deal with the pain.
Some of her earliest memories included Eli and Noah. Until Molly came along when Sydney was five, they’d been the only three grandchildren. John and Zanny’s house was only a couple of miles away from Sydney’s, and the same lady had babysat the three of them in the afternoons and during the summer. As a result, Sydney was as close to them as she was her brothers, if not closer. She literally could not imagine life without them.
She didn’t want to. And she was terrified she might end up having to.
Some time later, the sliding door opened behind her, and she turned to watch Sawyer walk outside.