“It’s weird talking about her when she’s gone,” Gina says. She’s still looking at me. I turn away and stare off at some tacky sneaker display. Gina and Lizzy want to talk about things. Deep things. Why does everyone want to talk?
“We never had a problem with you,” says Lizzy. “But you and Devin were a package, so…” She shrugs.
My body is still in slow motion. I can’t spring myself from this shoe store, ex-best friend purgatory.
“She was so”—Gina looks over again at Lizzy and then back at me—“you know, crazy sometimes. The things she did.”
“I heard she started shoplifting,” says Lizzy. “Is that true?”
The music store, I think. Where’s the music store? I could buy some sheet music. For my guitar. If I ever play it again.
“She thought she could get away with anything.” Lizzy’s still going. “Who cares what happens to anyone else?”
The ice-cream stand. Ice cream always makes me feel better. Rocky Road. But it’s far from here and wide open. They’ll find me.
“Mean,” says Gina. “She could be mean.” She bites on her lip. “I’m sorry, Cass. That was mean of me. After what happened to her, God.” She shakes her head. “I should stop. No one deserves that.”
“But even that night,” says Lizzy. “At the mall. Right before, well, you know… she was awful to us.” She shakes her head. “She was awful to you, Cass.”
Her words spin around inside my head, whirling and twisting. They know. They were there, almost. I need—need—to get out of here.
“It’s just the way it was,” says Lizzy. “We didn’t want to live like that. Always feeling bad about ourselves because of things Devin said or did. Just wasn’t worth it.”
“She wasn’t always like that—I mean, there was good in her, too,” says Gina. “We know that. It’s, well, that last fight.” She exhales and shakes her head. “She said some horrible things.”
“I mean, who says things like that?” says Lizzy. “Seriously, who does?”
“Even still,” Gina says. “We tried to help her that night. She seemed to be spiraling, you know what I mean?”
Spiraling, yeah. Yeah, she was, that night.
“Probably because you were with a guy and she wasn’t,” says Lizzy. “Whatever happened to him? Are you guys dating?”
I should probably be upset and offended, as any normal person would be in response to the bashing of her dead best friend. Only I don’t feel any of those things. I even want to agree with them, a little.
“No,” I say. “We’re not dating. And it wasn’t like that with Devin.” I don’t even know how to explain what it was like.
“Oh, Cass,” says Gina. She looks over at Lizzy again, and then back at me. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’ve always been a little blind when it comes to Devin.”
“Things were different between Devin and me.” I’m not lying, just leaving out compelling details.
Gina looks quickly over at Lizzy. She runs her fingers through her hair. “I know there were good times, too.”
“There were,” I say. It’s true—a little bit true, anyway.
I remember the food court. I should go there. It’s big, crowded. I can lose them there. I can get lost.
“You’re a good person, Cass,” Gina says. “You deserved better.”
“Definitely,” says Lizzy.
I swallow hard. “I have to go.”
“Cass, no.” Gina’s puppy-dog eyes grow wide.
Lizzy keeps talking. “It’s terrible and all,” she says, “but I’m not surprised this happened. I mean, if it was going to happen, it was going to happen to Devin.” She shakes her head. “It’s a good thing you weren’t with her,” she says. “It could’ve been you, too.”
I back away from them. “I really have to go.” I can’t let them know. I can’t let them know what happened when I was with her.
Gina moves toward me. “Stay, please.”
“No, really, I—”
“We’re just talking, Cass,” said Lizzy.
I continue to back away from them. I really need to get out of here.
Gina grabs my arm. “I’m sorry. We didn’t want—”
“What’s wrong with you two?” I say. “She’s dead!”
I run out of the shoe store and head to the food court. Gina and Lizzy call after me, maybe even chase me, although Gina’s still wearing the leopard ballet flats and she’d never shoplift, even by accident. The mall is crowded, and I lose them by the electric neon food court.
The scent of coffee blends with fast-food pizza and hamburgers. It fills my nostrils, souring in my stomach. I lean against a white marble support beam and breathe and breathe and breathe. Gina’s words rush in circles through my mind. You deserved better.
I deserved better? I deserved better? I’m not the one they found that morning at the bottom of Woodacre Ravine. Didn’t Devin deserve better? Wouldn’t anyone?
The corner of the support beam presses into my back. I feel it then, a hand on my shoulder, squeezing—no, clenching hard. I turn around, but no one’s there. I twist but can’t pull free.
My shoulder aches, throbs, and tiny droplets of sweat bubble up on my forehead.
“Devin?” I say, my heart pumping quickly. I recognize the feel of her touch. “Devin? It’s you, isn’t it?” My mouth dries up.
The pain in my shoulder eases, and the feeling moves through my hair, this time gentle, soft. There’s almost a sadness to the way it runs slowly through the strands a few at a time. I swallow and press my knuckles into wet eyes.
Her hand tenderly pulls at each strand of my hair, as though remembering. Remembering a time long ago. Little girls playing, lying in the grass, weaving flower crowns in the park. My eyes moisten. Silent fingers move from my hair and brush against my cheek. My cheek tingles, and instinctively I turn my face toward the hand. It moves slowly down my cheek, as if trying to wipe away my tears.
I can feel Devin’s sadness. Is it because I’m here with them? With Gina and Lizzy? I bring my hand up to my cheek, and we touch as though we really still could. Her hand runs down along my cheek gently and slowly moves toward my neck. Then onto my neck. There’s a hard tug on my charm. Unseen fingers grab onto it, then curl around my neck.
“Devin!”
The air tightens and grows thin. The bleached whiteness of the mall grays, then darkens.
Before
MARCUS SHOOK HIS HEAD. “Crap, they always shoot the messenger.”
“Only when the messenger’s a jackass.” I wouldn’t look at him. I felt inside out, all turned upside down. I couldn’t even think.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Marcus said, leaning toward me. “I just thought you should know.”
“I don’t believe you anyway,” I said. But I did. Of course I did.
Marcus looked wounded, and I was glad. “You don’t have to,” he said. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t agree.”
I didn’t answer. My eyes were focused on the large windows of the mall. Cars drove back and forth. People strolled together through the parking lot. Everyone else had somewhere real to be.
“Devin’s wrong, totally wrong,” he said.
“Whatever,” I said. “It doesn’t matter.” But it did matter. It meant everything that this was how Devin described me. This is how Devin saw me.
“Now who’s being a jackass?”
I still wouldn’t look at him, but my lips curled downward. My hands reached instinctively for the charm around my neck. I wanted to pull it off, break the chain, throw it onto the cold, marble floor, and be done.
“Okay, fine,” said Marcus. “I’d be pissed, too, if I were you. But get over it. Devin’s not the only girl in the world. I’m sure you have other friends.”
Had other friends. “She’s supposed to be my best friend.” The words barely pushed through my tightened lips. I was still holding on to the chain.
“I know,” he said, backing off a little.
&nbs
p; We sat in silence for what seemed like forever but was probably only a minute or two. Collapsing worlds had their own sense of time.
Marcus leaned toward me again. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, but mostly I felt him. Felt him close. “Hey,” he said softly, “I think you’re cool. And you’re nice to look at.”
“Stop.” I wanted to believe him, I really did, but how could I? “We only have to stay here another hour and a half, two hours, tops,” I said. “Then we can both go back to our lives and forget this ever happened.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “Maybe I don’t want to forget I met you.”
I stayed focused on the windows, trying to decide if I should just get up and walk away.
“So, you’re going to ignore me?” He dug his hands into his pockets.
“Maybe you can disappear for a while.”
“And go where?” he said. “I don’t have a car.”
“We’re in a mall,” I said. “I’m sure you can find something to do. Go to the arcade, if you’re so into video games. Just leave me alone.”
“Fine,” he said. He stood up and took his hands out of his pockets. “I’ll leave, but I’m going on the record as saying I don’t want to.”
My stomach twisted around itself. I didn’t want him to go either. But I was too embarrassed to have him stay. I wanted to erase the day. Erase it.
“Wait, I have a different idea,” he said. He swayed just slightly from side to side. He stuffed his hands back into his pockets. “Maybe we can start over. You know, like we just met.”
I didn’t answer, but I wished we could, too. I was still staring out the window. All those people coming and going, their lives still in motion.
Marcus sat down again on the bench next to me. He held out his hand. “Marcus Figueroa,” he said. “Nice to meet you.”
I couldn’t help but turn toward him.
I pursed my lips together then reached out my hand. “Cass,” I said. We shook, and his hand was a little sweaty, but I didn’t mind. I even thought maybe I had made him sweat, which I liked. “So, now what?”
“Now,” he said, “let’s ditch this piece-of-crap bench.”
“What about Chad and Devin?”
He raised his eyebrows. “What about them?” he said. “They left us out here on a bench. A freaking bench. They won’t miss us.”
I was energized. “Let’s get out of here.”
“After you,” he said.
“Wait a minute,” I said. “I thought you couldn’t go anywhere without a car.” I was smiling now, full on smiling. Maybe even flirting.
“There’s always somewhere to go,” Marcus said. “It’s just not as much fun by yourself.” He grinned, and I loved it.
“Fine, you decide,” I said.
He brought his finger to his forehead and looked up, as though he was thinking hard. “You like ice cream?” he said. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean—” His eyes grew wide.
I knew he was thinking he’d just asked a fat girl if she liked ice cream. But I did like ice cream, and somehow I didn’t mind the question.
“What do you think?” I said. Then I just started to laugh, it was all so ridiculous. And then Marcus started to laugh, and I was laughing so much that it was almost weird, but I didn’t care.
Marcus offered me his arm, brimming with chivalry. “My lady.”
We walked together toward the food court, still laughing. We walked far, far away from the plastic bench.
I brought my hand up to my neck and held the chain between my fingers. Then I let go of the charm. It fell back down onto my neck, cool and comfortable. But I was letting go.
This was how it all started, I think. I was letting go of Devin.
AFTER
“IS SHE OKAY?” Everything is slightly blurred, but I see a tall woman with bright lipstick looking down at me with concern. I blink several times, and the world comes into focus again.
“I think so,” says a vaguely familiar voice. I turn away from the woman and look at the other speaker. “Cass?” Marcus is kneeling beside me. Oh, great. He just happens to be at the mall, too. Go figure. “You pass out or something?”
I pull myself up to a sitting position on the hard mall floor. “Um, yeah. I guess.” I run a hand through my hair and touch my neck. It’s sore, but Devin is gone. Again. If she was ever here, that is. But she was, wasn’t she? How could she not have been here? Now it’s just me, Marcus, and a group of curious onlookers huddled together by the CheezieBurger in the mall food court.
“Sweetie, do you want me to call security?” The woman is still concerned.
“No, I’m fine,” I say. My head is throbbing and my heart is pounding, but I can’t tell anyone that my dead best friend may have tried to strangle me.
“Come on,” says Marcus. “I’ll help you up.” He holds out his hand.
I’m mortified that Marcus has found me sprawled on my butt on the mall floor. I stare at him, and everything gets fuzzy again. I grab my forehead and lean over, because now all I can think about is when we last hung out. It always comes back to the night Devin died. I can’t move at all now. My other hand stays plastered to the white marble floor.
“You don’t look like you’re okay,” says the woman. “I don’t think she’s okay,” she says to Marcus.
Marcus kneels in front of me, his hand still outstretched. “Cass?” he says. “Can you get up?”
He has no idea, does he? He has no idea what I’ve done, no idea that he, in his own way, helped.
My jaw is tight, but I force it open. “What are you doing here?” I say. I bring my hand down from my forehead.
“At the mall?” He makes a face. “What else is there to do on a Saturday when you don’t drive?”
My mouth cracks into an awkward smile. I have to pretend everything’s okay. That I’m happy to see him. He’s wearing his long black coat and a Ript Lizyrd concert T-shirt. My white knight in a black trench.
“Okay, that’s a start.” I think Marcus smiles, but it’s hard to tell because it’s more of a smirk. “Well, come on.” He’s still waiting for me to take his hand. He’s probably one-hundred-thirty pounds, soaking wet. His arms are about as thick as runt string beans. I can’t let him help me up.
“I can get up myself, thanks.” And I do, slowly, noticing on my way that my butt is pretty sore, too. All that extra padding didn’t even help.
I stand up and the small crowd of onlookers disperses. The freak show is over.
The woman remains and gives me the once-over with big almond eyes. “All right,” she says. “But you get straight on home, sweetie. Make sure your mama checks you out.”
“I will,” I say. “Thanks.”
She smiles at me, picks up her shopping bags, and leaves the food court.
I’m left with Marcus. He’s taller than I remember him, and thinner, which is weird because it hasn’t been that long since I last saw him. He might’ve gotten a haircut, too. A set of keys dangles from a belt loop on his jeans.
“You want a drink?” he asks. “I can get you a Coke or something.”
“Okay.” Sugar rush. Definitely need a sugar rush.
I follow Marcus over to CheezieBurger. The neon sign flashes at me, disco-like.
Marcus leans over the counter. “One Coke, one root beer, two cheeseburgers—loaded, a large cheese fry, and a couple of chocolate-chip cookies.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small Velcro wallet. He suddenly turns to me. “Um, did you want something to eat, too?”
He’s probably thinking he should feed me. What else does a fat girl do at the mall?
“No, thanks.” I’m not that hungry, and there’s no way I’d eat fast food in front of him.
Then out of nowhere he says it: “Why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not,” I say.
“Yeah, you are. If I hadn’t found you lying on the mall floor, you’d never be here talking to me.”
I sigh. “I haven’t been feeling that well.”
“You can still make a phone call when you don’t feel well.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
He nods. “You’re a mess about Devin.” He shrugs. “I get it. I’m—I’m really sorry.”
My body stiffens as if it’s turning to stone. “Thanks,” I say through tightened lips.
Marcus takes a sip of his soda. “You hear about these things happening, and then, out of nowhere, it happens to someone you know.” He looks at me quickly, then turns away. “Well, in my case, sort of know.”
It doesn’t happen if you’re there for someone. If you don’t wish for it to happen. If you keep them safe.
“Hey, have they found out anything yet?”
“I don’t think so,” I say. “I mean there’s the detective, but I don’t really know.”
“Yeah, the detective talked to Chad, too. He texted me after—he was pretty freaked out.”
“I heard,” I say. “I saw Chad at Dreyer’s Pharmacy.”
Marcus raises his eyebrows. “Yeah? I heard he was working there now. What’d he say?”
“I guess he’s pretty worried,” I say. It makes me cringe to think about Chad’s hand on my shoulder.
Marcus frowns. “He should be.”
“Why do you say that?”
Marcus shrugged. “I don’t know. Forget it.”
“He says you haven’t seen him.”
Marcus leans back into the bench. “Yeah.”
I bite my lip. “Why not?”
“The way he acted that night at the mall.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know. We’ve been friends a long time but—” He clasps his hands together, then leans forward again. “Something else happened that night, Cass,” he says. “I mean, I know the way things went down with you two.”
I stare at him. He doesn’t know. Not all of it.
He nods. “I didn’t see, and I didn’t hear everything, but it was obvious you and Devin had some sort of fight. Am I wrong?”
Devin Rhodes is Dead Page 12