He sighed. ‘And then there’s the falling over, and—oh, I don’t know. It’s a mess.’
‘It’ll get better.’
He sighed again. ‘I wouldn’t mind if I had a cheerleader, you know? Someone like Richard Price gunning for me.’
‘We’re all gunning for you, John.’
He smiled sadly. ‘I know, Kate, and don’t think I’m not grateful. But it’s not the same. I need Andrea on my side, and she’s just not there for me.’
He looked down at his hands, and Kate could see the tears in his eyes. ‘Have you seen Susie and Richard? They look like honeymooners. I wouldn’t have it any other way for them, but it just grinds it in. Andrea could be here, sharing the strain, helping me come to terms with it, but she just won’t come near me. I don’t know if it’s because she feels guilty, or because she’s repulsed, or what. I could understand that. It’s not a pretty sight.’
Kate shook her head. ‘It’s not repulsive, John. You’re still a very attractive man. There’s much more to you than your body, but, believe me, there’s nothing wrong with your body either. If it was Dominic it wouldn’t put me off.’
‘But you’re a doctor.’
She smiled slowly. ‘I’m a woman, John, first and foremost. Tell me something—has she seen your stumps uncovered?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I’ve never wanted her to. I suppose I’ve been afraid of her reaction.’
‘So is it possible she’s afraid of what she’ll see?’
He sighed. ‘Very likely. I’m dreading it too. I just don’t want to see her face.’
Kate chewed her lip. ‘Look, do you want me to talk to her? I know Martin’s had a go, but because he’s a psychologist she might be afraid to say anything too much.’
‘I think that’s quite likely. He’s had me spilling my guts, but Andrea shuts off when things hurt her, and she’s very difficult to reach. Usually I can get through, but this time I just can’t.’
‘Perhaps because you’re afraid of what she’ll say?’
He nodded. ‘I’m sure you’re right.’
‘I’ll see her—when did she say she was coming?’
‘She didn’t. Perhaps tomorrow?’
‘Not tonight?’
‘No. Not tonight.’
‘When she comes, call Reception and ask them to find me. I’ll talk to her. Now I must go and feed my daughter, and make sure Dominic’s getting some rest.’
John looked up at her. ‘Can I ask you something? Are you and Dominic separated?’
Kate hesitated for a moment, then threw caution to the winds. ‘We’re divorced. I’ve come back to help him since his accident.’
‘So this isn’t your usual job?’
She shook her head.
‘Isn’t it very difficult, working with him when you’re not married any more? Doesn’t it make life complicated?’
‘No,’ she said slowly, surprised by her answer. ‘No, it doesn’t. I’m enjoying it—the job’s much more satisfying than I’d expected. I can see why he’s put his soul into it.’
‘Everyone thinks very highly of him.’
Kate was warmed by his words. ‘I’ll tell him, John. Thank you. It might cheer him up. I’ll see you tomorrow—maybe. I’ll challenge you to a one-armed race against everything I’ve got.’
He chuckled and waved as she walked away, and as she changed she thought about his praise of Dominic. So everyone thought highly of him. Well, it didn’t surprise her. She was very impressed with all he’d achieved.
Would she end up sharing it with him? And if she did, would it be for the right reasons, or just because she enjoyed the job?
There was always the possibility, of course, that if they did remarry they would have another child. She was only thirty-five. She felt a flutter of anticipation in her chest. Another baby would be wonderful—or would it?
Would Dominic mind if she carried on working? They could have a nanny on the spot if she worked in the clinic. Would she want to work, though? She had missed Stephie’s childhood because she had had to work, and the thought of doing it all again worried her. But if she and Dominic did get back together she would want to work alongside him in the clinic, supporting him and helping him.
He had said that he needed someone to share it with, someone to understand. Could she understand if she wasn’t in on the ground floor, totally involved? And she could very easily get totally involved, she knew that.
As she pulled her clothes on she thought of John Whitelaw and Susie Elmswell, and at the other end of the age range Mr Carter, with his diabetes and heart disease. Yes, she would want to work, to give her time to these people and others like them, giving them another chance at life.
Would she get an opportunity?
Dominic had asked for time to talk to her. So far they hadn’t had much chance. She’d go and start now, while Stephie was still out.
But he was asleep when she got back, lying on the rug in the garden, one arm flung over his eyes. She sat beside him and watched him, and thought how near she had come to losing him in the accident. If his chest had caved in, or his aorta had ruptured with the impact—it didn’t bear thinking about.
She realised, looking at him, that she still loved him every bit as much as she ever had. If only she could be sure that it would work, but there were no guarantees in this life.
Look at John Whitelaw. He had never expected to lose his legs.
She must try and convince his wife to talk to him, to start breaking down the barriers. She laughed softly to herself. Who did she think she was, dishing out advice on marital problems when her own marriage had ended years ago because of a breakdown in communication?
‘“Physician, heal thyself”,’ she said under her breath.
If only it were that easy...
CHAPTER NINE
KATE didn’t see Andrea Whitelaw that weekend. She popped in only briefly, to bring John some clean clothes, and went again almost immediately.
He continued with his physiotherapy without her support, and everybody rallied round him and encouraged his progress.
By the end of the second week he was walking—badly, but up on both legs and traversing the length of the parallel bars with his hands hovering over them just in case.
Susie, too, was doing better, and her pain was better controlled with Dominic’s acupuncture.
Kate was watching Angela and John during his physio session when Susie came in for hers and witnessed his progress first-hand.
‘Hey, that’s brilliant! We’ll have to have a party,’ she suggested. ‘Celebrate our progress. Can we do that?’
Kate laughed and shrugged. ‘I don’t see why not. It seems like a great idea.’
‘You can use the fitness club bar area—lots of people have a bit of a knees-up when they hit a milestone, and they often use the bar,’ Angela told them.
‘Great,’ Susie enthused. ‘How about tomorrow night? Will Andrea be up?’
John’s face lost its animation. ‘Maybe. I doubt if she’ll come.’
‘Ask her. Tell her to come for the weekend.’
He looked uncomfortable and Kate felt for him. Susie, too, because she scooted her wheelchair over to him and covered his hand with her own. Try—you have to ask her some time. What will you do when you go home? I was dreading last weekend with Richard, in a way, but it was wonderful.’
John looked down at his feet. ‘She won’t come,’ he said heavily.
‘Ask her.’
‘I might.’
‘Promise me.’
He looked up at Susie and his shoulders sagged in defeat. ‘OK. I’ll ask her, but I’m not guaranteeing she’ll come.’
Amazingly she did, though, and Kate and Dominic saw her arrive. ‘You go on over. I want to talk to her,’ Kate said.
‘Tread carefully,’ Dominic warned.
‘I will. Go on. Will you be all right without me on those crutches?’
‘I expect I’ll cope,’ he said drily.
She w
alked across to Andrea, who was looking very unsure of herself in a brash, brittle way.
Kate smiled at her and extended her hand. ‘Hi. I’m Kate Heywood, one of the doctors. I gather you’re John’s wife.’
She flicked her eyes over Kate. ‘Yes, that’s right.’ She shook Kate’s hand reluctantly, and Kate felt the tension in her fingers.
They were cold, the grip short and tentative. Kate smiled reassuringly. ‘John’s going to be so pleased you’ve come. He’s done really well. It’s been very hard for him and he needs lots of support. It’ll mean a lot to him that you’re here.’
Andrea looked uncomfortable, and Kate took the plunge. She didn’t like talking about herself, but sometimes it was necessary. They were standing in the courtyard and she absently pulled a bit of ivy off the wall and shredded it.
‘You know, it’s funny how life’s consequences go with us,’ she said, apparently casually. ‘My husband and I were divorced years ago because we stopped communicating, I thought he wanted to go, when what he actually wanted was for me to ask him to stay. I told him to go if he wanted to, and he went. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and all because we failed to communicate our feelings.’
Kate looked at the other woman, gentling her tone. ‘I’d hate you to make the same mistake I did. Andrea, John needs you. He’s afraid to say so because he doesn’t want to pressure you, but I think you ought to know.’
Andrea looked away, up at the trees that surrounded the house, her eyes wide and filled with pain. ‘How can he need me? I’m the last person he needs. It’s my fault he’s here.’
‘That isn’t the point—’
‘Of course it’s the point!’
‘No, it isn’t. The point is that why ever he’s here, he needs you now. You’re feeling bad because you feel responsible for what happened. Regardless of anything that may have gone before, do you really want to be responsible for not supporting him and helping him now, when he needs you more than he’s ever needed you before?’
Andrea’s hands twisted together. ‘But I can’t support him! I don’t know what to say, what to do! I’ll cry or something—I’ll be useless!’
‘I don’t think that matters at all. In fact I think it would help you both to cry. There’s so much he’s still got to offer you, and he feels useless and unwanted, washed up on the scrap-heap of life. Andrea, he needs you to make him feel wanted or he’s going to crack up.’
At last, finally, the woman met her eyes. ‘What if I can’t cope with it? What if when I see his legs I feel sick? Will that help him?’
‘You won’t feel sick. They don’t look bad. The thought’s worse than the reality, and the rest of him’s in better shape than ever, I would say.’
Andrea’s hands twisted again. ‘I feel scared,’ she whispered.
‘So does John.’ She pushed a little harder. ‘Andrea, is there any reason why you can’t stay tonight?’
Her eyes widened. ‘Tonight?’
Kate nodded. ‘I think if you walk away it will hurt him more than you could ever imagine. If you could stay—talk it through during the night, when it’s dark and quiet and no one will disturb you—it might be easier.’
She drew a shuddering breath. ‘I’ll see. OK? I’m not promising.’
‘But you’ll think about it?’ Kate pressed.
‘If he asks me.’
‘Why don’t you offer?’
The woman was terrified. Kate wondered if she was pushing too hard, but then Andrea swallowed and nodded. ‘I might.’
Kate put an arm round her shoulders and gave her a brief hug. ‘Come on, let’s go and find the party. They’re in the bar of the fitness club.’
When they walked in, John looked up from where he was perched on a barstool and waved. He looked fit, well and drop-dead handsome, dressed in a pair of dark slacks and an open-necked shirt, the cuffs turned back to reveal tanned, muscular wrists and strong arms, honed to steel by the physiotherapy.
He was wearing his artificial legs in public for the first time, and to the casual observer he looked just like any other man.
Beside her, Kate heard Andrea’s breath catch. ‘Oh, God, he looks normal,’ she whispered.
‘Andrea, he is normal. He’s just had some surgery, that’s all.’
She laughed—a short, nervous little sound—and walked hesitantly towards him.
‘Hello, John,’ she said. She looked up at him, and Kate could see her eyes fill. It was the first time she’d been able to look up at him since the accident, of course, and Kate thought that it would do them both a power of good.
She left them to it and went to find Dominic. He was at the other end of the bar, propped up on his crutches, chatting to Angela and Jason, and Kate’s heart did silly things. He had his back to her, and she wondered how the back of his neck could possibly be so sexy. She came up beside him and he looked down at her and smiled a greeting.
‘Hi. Did you talk to her?’ he asked softly.
‘Yes. She might stay the night.’
‘Hell’s teeth!’ he muttered under his breath. ‘What did you say to her?’
Kate laughed softly. ‘You don’t want to know.’
‘Oh, I do.’
‘OK. I told her that our relationship had gone wrong because we stopped talking. I told her I’d sent you away.’
‘And?’
She forced herself to meet his eyes. ‘I told her it was the biggest mistake of my life.’
His eyes darkened, and he watched her face intently. ‘Is that what you really feel?’
She nodded slowly. ‘Yes. If we’d stayed together, worked at it, maybe it would have been all right. I don’t know. I just know that we never really gave ourselves a chance.’
‘So are we going to now?’ he asked softly.
She gave a wry smile. ‘I’m still waiting for all that talking we promised ourselves. We’ve been so busy.’
‘We only ever talked at night before.’
‘Because that was the only time we ever had alone.’
He glanced over his shoulder at the room, filled with patients and colleagues. ‘It’s no better now, Kate.’
‘I know. And at home there’s Stephie. We can’t even be alone there.’
‘So what are we going to do?’
‘I don’t know. Celebrate these two getting on their feet for now, and find time later. It’s not something we’ve ever been any good at. I think if our relationship is going to stand a chance of working, then that’s what’s got to give.’
‘There isn’t any time, though,’ he told her. ‘I work from first thing right through to the end of the evening. Sometimes I work on into the early morning.’
‘But why? Because you have to, or because there isn’t anything else you’d rather do? Because there’s nothing to come home to at the end of the day?’
He sighed. ‘Both,’ he admitted. ‘But there is always a lot to do. I don’t invent the workload.’
‘Then you’re going to have to make some decisions. Because it didn’t work before when we just passed like ships in the night, and there’s no reason to suppose it would work now. I’d rather be alone without you than lonely with you.’
‘So what do you suggest I do about it? Got any ideas?’
‘Employ another doctor to share the load.’
That’s easier said than done. It takes a special sort of person to fit in here. It’s not like a hospital. You get involved, body and soul, whether you like it or not. Not everyone wants that.’
‘I do,’ she said quietly.
He looked at her keenly. ‘Are you serious?’
She nodded. ‘Yes. I’ve liked working here. I feel I’m doing some good. It would take some of the load off you, and we would have a common interest. It just depends on whether you feel you could work alongside me professionally if we were together all the time.’
‘We’ve survived the past fortnight.’
‘So why don’t we give it a try? Carry on working together. You still sho
uldn’t really be working yet, with that broken leg, so you do need my help, and we could see if we can manage to have a relationship that doesn’t start and end with the clinic. If all our conversation turns into shop, then I think we’ve got a problem.’
‘And if it doesn’t?’
She smiled. ‘Then maybe we stand a chance.’
Somebody changed the CD then, and soft, romantic music flowed all around them. He put his crutches down and held out his arms.
‘Dance with me, Dr Heywood?’
‘You’re not supposed to be weight-bearing on that leg,’ she scolded.
‘So come here and let me lean on you.’
She went into his arms, but he didn’t lean on her, more against her, swaying slightly to the music.
She laid her head against his broad chest and let her arms slip round him, flattening her hands against the strong column of his spine.
He groaned softly and moved against her, and she felt heat shoot through her, leaving her weak and trembling.
‘Nick, this is silly,’ she murmured. ‘Everyone’s looking.’
‘No one’s looking. They’re either dancing themselves or talking nineteen to the dozen.’
She turned her head and saw John and Andrea standing together, swaying slightly to the music, her head pillowed on his shoulder. Would she stay? Would they start talking again? Perhaps that was what she and Dominic needed to do—spend the night together.
Her heart flipped in her chest. Certainly Richard and Susie looked happy. His arms were wrapped firmly round her, and they were laughing into each other’s eyes.
‘They look good together,’ Dominic said.
‘Mmm.’
‘We were good together.’
They had been, as well. She remembered the wedding photo—and the wedding night. It had still been special, even though she had been pregnant. Dominic had made sure of that.
She eased closer, and his breath caught. He bent closer, his lips by her ear. ‘I need you, Kate,’ he murmured. ‘Stay with me tonight.’
She leant back and looked up at him. ‘We agreed—’
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