She Had No Choice

by Debra Burroughs

  She couldn’t call Sofía to tell her she was coming because her mother didn’t have a phone. Eva feared that if she sent her mama a letter, Carlos would find it. And if he knew Eva had contacted her mother, he might take his hatred of Eva out on Sofía yet again.

  Eva had received a couple of letters over the years from one of her brothers. Her oldest brother, Eduardo, had gotten married a couple of years ago and asked Miss Walker for his sister’s address. He figured Eva would keep in touch with Miss Walker, and he was right. He wanted to let her know he was getting married and how the family was doing.

  In his letters, Eduardo told Eva that Carlos’s drinking and his violent abuse against their mother had not diminished, maybe even grown worse. Reading this made Eva distraught. There was nothing she could do to help her mother because she was so far away. She hoped this trip would change that.

  With her children in tow, Eva nervously rapped on the door a few times. The door slowly opened and Sofía peered around it. Suspicion gave way to delight, and she opened the door wider. A broad smile spread across her face, and she threw her arms around her daughter. She hugged her hard and didn’t want to let go. Finally, she released her embrace and took a small step back.

  Eva was astonished at how much her mother had aged, appearing as worn out as her tattered and faded house dress. She had not expected to see the wrinkles and graying hair. Trying not to let her mother see her surprise, Eva put a smile on her face and kept her voice cheerful.

  Sofía was happy to see the two little children hiding behind their mother’s full skirt, shyly peeking around it.

  “Are these my grandchildren?” Sofía asked excitedly, as they would be her first.

  “Yes, Mama, this is Rory,” pulling him out from behind her, “and this is Angelina,” pulling her out from the other side of her skirt. “We call her Angie for short.”

  Sofía scooped her granddaughter up in her arms and kissed her gently on the cheek. With her other hand, she affectionately stroked Rory’s soft brown hair.

  “Qué bonita!” she exclaimed. She was surprised by Angie’s fair skin, dark blonde hair and blue-green eyes. Then she remembered that Eva’s husband was white. Not that that fact was something she should forget, but she had not seen Eva in years, and time and her traumatic life had faded her memory of the wedding.

  “Oh, come in, come in,” she said to Eva, leading her grandson by the hand while still holding her granddaughter in her arm. Eva noticed the large dark bruise on the side of her mother’s face near her eye, but she didn’t want to say anything about it. Obviously, nothing had changed.

  They all stepped into the weathered shack, and another wave of memories rushed at Eva. It had been nine years since she had set foot in this place, but all of a sudden the emotions came flooding back like it was yesterday. She half expected to see Carlos walk into the room, but caught herself. A shiver ran up her spine and she tried to shake off the feeling.

  Nothing had really changed. Not the worn-out furniture or the smell of Mama’s beans and tortillas. The oppressive atmosphere of poverty and despair still weighed heavily in this place. Not even the pungent stench of fear had diminished one bit.

  Grandma Sofía offered the children something to eat, but Eva had brought some of their favorite crackers and toys to keep them occupied. The children were busy on the bare wood floor getting their toys out of the beige canvas bag Eva had brought and sharing the crackers.

  Eva tried to keep her mind focused on reconnecting with her mother, hoping she could give her mama some time to get to know her grandchildren. She did her best to keep the conversation cheerful and light about Richard and the children, but Mama looked worried. She noticed her mother kept watching the little plastic clock on the wall. Eva tried to ignore the distraction and continued with her story.

  She filled her mother in on what her life had been like since she married Richard. They initially moved to Fort Lewis in Tacoma, Washington, where Rory was born.

  “Then we moved to LaCrosse, Wisconsin, after Angie was born,” Eva went on to say. “That’s where Richard’s relatives are.”

  Because Eva didn’t want to burden Mama with the sordid details, she left out the parts about Richard going ahead of her to LaCrosse to try to find work. His enlistment in the army was up shortly after Rory was born, and she had unexpectedly gotten pregnant again right away. Richard moved the family to Salt Lake City, Utah, to go to a special trade school, but that didn’t work out for him. So he figured he could find work where his family lived in Wisconsin.

  He told Eva he was going to be staying with his Aunt Gertie and left her address and phone number. He promised Eva he would be back for the baby’s birth. Then they could all move to Wisconsin with him. But he was never at his aunt’s house when Eva called him. She left messages with the aunt, but not one time did he ever call her back. She sent him a letter, still no response.

  Eva waited in Salt Lake City. She was almost out of money, and the baby was due any day. She had made friends with a neighbor lady, a nice woman in her forties named Lucy who stayed home all day. Her husband, Jim, had a decent job and didn’t want her to work. Lucy and Jim couldn’t have children, and they loved playing with Rory. She offered to watch the little boy when the time came for her to go to the hospital.

  When Eva’s contractions began one afternoon, she took Rory to Lucy’s apartment and called for a cab from there. With no insurance or money to pay for the delivery, Eva had already decided to throw herself on the mercy of the Mormon Hospital a few blocks away. She knew they wouldn’t turn her away, and she was right.

  They checked her in, took her in a wheelchair to a room and got her situated in bed. The room was sterile and quiet. She shared the room with two other mothers who recently gave birth who were asleep from exhaustion. An older nurse with graying hair came in and out, checking on Eva’s progress. For a fleeting moment, watching the nurse, Eva wondered what her life might have been like if she had pursued a nursing career instead of marrying Richard.

  When her contractions increased dramatically, she was wheeled on a gurney to the delivery room. Even with nurses and doctor buzzing around her, she felt lonely and abandoned. She wanted her husband to be there, but he wasn’t. Even though she called often and left messages for him, Richard did not come. She gave birth to her daughter all alone.

  A few days later, Eva and her baby girl checked out of the hospital and went home. Lucy enjoyed her time with little Rory and offered to keep him for a few more days to help out. She knew Eva would have a difficult time with a newborn and an eleven-month-old baby, and Lucy loved playing mom. Eva gratefully accepted her offer, but she went to check on her son every afternoon.

  Day after day, Eva waited for word from Richard, a returned phone call or a letter. But she didn’t hear anything from him. It had been weeks since she left messages informing him that he now had a daughter.

  Having no idea where her husband was, Eva was getting more concerned by the day. She was stuck in Salt Lake City with two babies and her money was running out. By this time, Angie was four weeks old and Rory was twelve months. Richard missed his son’s first birthday and his daughter’s birth. Eva was angry and desperate. She marched down to the Red Cross office in town and asked them for money to buy a bus ticket to go to LaCrosse and find him.

  With both infants, Eva took the Greyhound Bus and reached LaCrosse after several long days on the road. Fortunately, there were kind strangers along the way that were willing to help her with feedings and diaper changes. Some of the passengers offered to rock one of the babies while Eva tended to the other. When they arrived in LaCrosse, it was a warm summer evening in June. The year was 1954.

  The bus was traveling on the road that passed in front of Richard’s aunt’s small farm. The driver pulled over and stopped to let them out near the little brick single-story house. He retrieved Eva’s suitcase from the storage area of the bus and set it off the road for her. She walked with her children up the dirt driveway to the fron
t door, which set about twenty yards off the road. Eva knocked and waited. She hoped Richard was home.

  His aunt answered the door and was surprised to see Eva and the babies. Unfortunately, Richard wasn’t there, and his aunt didn’t know when he’d be back.

  Aunt Gertie was a pleasantly plump German woman in her early fifties and seemed embarrassed by Richard’s actions. Color rose in her cheeks, and she apologized profusely. She had taken countless phone messages that Richard obviously had not returned. Now here they were, face to face, and there was nothing helpful she could tell his wife.

  “He just said he was going out, wherever that is. He didn’t say when he’d be back, never does,” Gertie said. “But you come on in, now.”

  Standing on the porch, Eva had her newborn daughter in one arm and little Rory by the hand. He was already walking. They squeezed through the doorway, past Gertie, who was holding the screen door open for them.

  “Just look at those sweet babies,” she commented as they went by her. “I’ll go get your suitcase, dear. Okay? Okay.”

  Gertie brought the suitcase in and put it down in Richard’s room. It was past supper time and she figured Eva must be hungry. She waddled into the kitchen and made a big plate of meats and cheeses, along with flaky crackers on the side.

  She came back into the living room and set the platter down on the coffee table. “I’m sure you must be famished, honey.”

  “I am kind of hungry,” Eva replied.

  “You go ahead and dig in, okay? Okay.” Aunt Gertie took the sleeping baby from Eva’s arms so she was free to eat. Rory was fast asleep on the sofa next to her.

  They made polite conversation and waited and waited for Richard. It had been almost four hours. Darn that Richard, Gertie thought to herself. The situation grew more awkward with each passing minute, but Gertie did her best to make them all comfortable. She tried to keep up the conversation and provide them with food and drink.

  “It’s getting late, sweetie. Let me go make up a place for the babies to sleep, okay? Okay.” Gertie handed baby Angie back to Eva, then wandered off down the hallway.

  She went in the spare bedroom and made up a sleeping area for both the babies on one of the beds by rolling blankets and towels around the area so they wouldn’t roll off. Then she came out with a pillow and blanket for Eva to use while she waited for Richard on the sofa.

  “Unless there’s somethin’ else you need, honey, I’m goin’ to bed. Okay? Okay.”

  “Well, there is one thing. I need to warm some milk in a bottle for the baby. She’ll be waking up soon. Do you mind if I use your kitchen?” Eva asked.

  “Oh, you betcha. Go on ahead and use anything you like.” Aunt Gertie shuffled off to bed.

  Eva warmed a bottle and held her baby while she drank. She paced the room with her little daughter in her arms until she fell back asleep. Then she put her down to sleep on the bed with Rory.

  Finally, about one-thirty in the morning, Richard stumbled into the house. Eva had been asleep on the sofa and woke to the noise. He smelled like a brewery and cigarettes. There was no doubt where he had been. She was furious. She had two questions – “where did you get money to buy beer and who were you drinking with?”

  After fighting and arguing and crying for quite awhile, Eva decided to forgive him for not keeping in touch with her, for not being there for Angie’s birth, for going out drinking with what little money he had. She reluctantly agreed to stay in LaCrosse for the foreseeable future. With two babies and no money, she knew she didn’t have much choice.

  Richard told her hadn’t been able to find steady work and was too embarrassed to let her know. The truth was, according to Aunt Gertie, he had secured two different jobs but had been fired from both. Eva suspected as much.

  So, the next day she asked Aunt Gertie if she would watch the babies for a few hours so she could go into town and look for work. Gertie happily agreed and wished her luck.

  Within a couple of hours Eva was able to find jobs for both of them at a poultry processing plant. Aunt Gertie consented to watching the babies while they worked so they could save up enough money to move out on their own. Richard didn’t last two weeks at the poultry plant before he got fired. So, Eva demanded he re-enlist in the army, which he did.

  This was not a story Eva wanted to share with her mother. So, leaving out all the messy particulars, she continued on with telling Sofía about their move to an army base in Newport News, Virginia. Eva gave only the surface details of her many moves over the past six years and how she was kept busy setting up her houses and having babies.

  “But now, Mama, we live in Seaside where Richard is stationed at Fort Ord again. That’s where I met Richard at a USO dance, remember?” Eva was happy she was close enough now to see her family again.

  “I hope that means I’ll be able to see you and the niños again.” Sofía knew Carlos would not like having Eva at the house, but maybe she could sneak by, like today, or they could meet somewhere in town.

  “Yes, at least for awhile.”

  Sofía’s countenance fell and she looked sad. “What do you mean ‘for awhile’?”

  “Well, Richard’s been reassigned to a base in Germany, and he’ll be leaving soon. The kids and I are going to follow him a few months after he ships out,” Eva told her. “We’re really excited to go to Europe. But don’t worry, Mama, the kids and I will be here for a few more months.”

  Eva wanted her mother to believe she was happy. The truth was that she found out, over the years, that her husband had a wandering eye. From time to time, he would be attracted to other women, and she would have to rein him in. But she didn’t want to burden her mother with that, so she kept those details to herself and only spoke positively about her life with Richard. Eva knew Mama had enough to deal with in her own life.

  Sofía filled her daughter in on what was happening with the younger children who were still at home. Hector had just started high school, and Miguel and Christina were in elementary school. They weren’t home from school yet, but the bus, Mama said, would be bringing them home in another half hour or so.

  They continued to visit for a little while, but Eva couldn’t help but notice that Sofía kept looking at the clock and keeping close track of the time. She seemed agitated and fearful. After they had visited for a few more minutes, Sofía told Eva that she should go because the niños would be home from school soon and then Carlos would be coming home from work.

  Sofía walked over to the window and peeked out to make sure Carlos was not out there. Fortunately he wasn’t there, but Eva could see real fear starting to rise up in her mama. Sofía’s eyes were darting around like a scared rabbit, her shoulders tensed. It broke Eva’s heart to see her mother this way, what the years of abuse had done to her.

  “Mama? Are you all right?”

  “I didn’t want to tell you this, but I’m more afraid of Carlos than I’ve ever been.” Eva saw the terror on her mother’s face.

  “Why?”

  “A few nights ago, he came home very drunk. I heard him staggering around the house, slamming cupboard doors, looking for more liquor. But he couldn’t find it.” Sofía put her hand on her chest. “I tried to lie very still so he’d think I was asleep. But he came into the bedroom and put a knife to my throat, accusing me of hiding his whiskey.” Her hand moved from her chest to her neck, and a tear trickled down her cheek. “I’ve never been so frightened.”

  “Oh, Mama,” was all Eva could say, as she put her arm around her mother’s shoulders.

  “I’m afraid he’s going to kill me.” Sofía’s voice was shaking. She looked out the window one more time. “I didn’t want to tell you, mi’ja, but I’m so scared.”

  “I’m going to get you out of this horrible place, Mama,” Eva promised her. But she knew that right now she had to leave before the school bus dropped her brothers and sister off.

  “Don’t worry, Mama, I’ll be back,” Eva said in a low voice, not wanting her children to overhear. She s
tepped in close to Mama and whispered to her. “I hate to see you still having to live this way. You deserve better than this, you deserve to be happy. That man is no good, Mama, no good. He’ll never change. I got away from here – you can, too.”

  “No, I can’t leave, mi’ja. I want to, but where would I go? How would I live? No, at least here I have a place to live and food to eat. And what about the your brothers and sister?”

  “I’ll figure it out. You deserve better, Mama – you do. Hector, Miguel and Christina, they deserve a better life, too. I don’t know what to do yet, but I’m going to do something to get you out of here, and them, too.”

  “Come on, Rory, Angie – time to go. We’ll see Grandma again soon.” She tried to keep an upbeat tone to her voice and a smile on her face so she didn’t upset her children. Eva quickly gathered up the snacks and toys and put them in the bag and led the kids to the door. She turned and gave her mother a long hug.

  Eva felt compassion mixed with anger stirring up inside her. She was determined to find a way to rescue her mama, to rescue them all. After all the years of cruelty, Sofía did not have the strength left to break away, but Eva definitely did.

  “I’ll be back, Mama. Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out. I promise.”

  Sofía’s eyes brightened a little at the possibility there might be a way out for her. After all these years of torment and abuse, she smiled at the thought that it was her daughter who gave her hope. Sofía thought back to the day she gave birth to Eva and how she knew her young daughter would do great things. She never dreamed Eva would be her savior.

  The thought of escaping was both exciting and scary at the same time. Sofía wasn’t sure if she should dare to hope, if she should allow herself to dream of being free, of leaving this wretched life behind. Disappointment would be crushing.