by Julia Goda
“Don’t get mad. I now this will be hard for you and I know you don’t want to deal with all the memories, but I’m glad you don’t have a choice in the matter and are forced to go. It’ll help you finally deal with it.”
“I’ve dealt with it plenty.”
She squeezed my hand. “No, baby, you haven’t. You have done your best for the past ten years to avoid even thinking about it. That’s not dealing with it. That’s repressing it. But, Rainey, like I’ve told you so many times before, you need to love your life, and you cannot let what happened with your father control you and your choices for the rest of your life.”
I started shaking my head. She didn’t understand. She never would.
“Yes, I do understand, Rainey. It breaks my heart to see you hurt like this, to see how much just going to a gym throws you back into that black mood of yours, but I’m glad you’re forced to face this. And I’m glad you won’t have to do it alone. I don’t know Logan, but I’m glad he’ll be there.”
“Mom, don’t start again. I don’t even know how to deal with him on top of everything else.”
“Then don’t.”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “What do you mean, don’t?”
“Don’t deal with him. Don’t treat him like he’s someone you have to deal with. Treat him like you do any other person you meet and work with.”
I shook my head and frowned. “I can’t do that, Mom.”
“Why the hell not?”
“You know why not. I told you, he took me by surprise and completely rolled over me when he kissed me. I can’t let my guard down with him. Not even for a second. He’ll take advantage and—”
“And what? Try to kiss you again? Try to be there for you?”
“Yes!”
“And what’s so bad about that?”
“Mom, you know what. I can’t—”
“No, Rainey. Don’t give me your excuses. And don’t you look at me like that. You know just as well as I do that’s exactly what they are. You’re using your stupid dating rule as an excuse to keep anyone you even remotely like from getting close to you. You’re gonna end up a lonely old spinster.”
“That’s not true. I go on dates.”
“Pfft. Those dates you go on never go anywhere. That’s why you agree to them. Because you know nothing will even come of them.”
I scrunched up my eyes in consternation.
“Oh, Rainey. You really didn’t realize this?” I just kept looking at her. “Honey, you’re scared to get hurt. I get why you want to protect yourself, but you have to stop. It’s been ten years. If this cancer turns out to be worse, if something happens to me—”
“Mom, don’t—” I tried to interrupt, but she wouldn’t let me.
“I know. I told you I would fight this and I will. But I’m not gonna live forever. And I want you happy, Rainey. I need to know you’re happy and well. Please, try for me. If I have to pull the cancer card and pull the guilt trip on you, I will. But I’d rather you opened yourself up because you know it’s time to start trusting again. Not everyone is out to hurt you. Don’t judge a person before you give them a chance, before you even know them. That’s not who I raised you to be.”
Damn it. She was right. I wasn’t a person who judged others lightly; I was open and understanding and gave everyone a chance to redeem themselves if they screwed up. I knew I had been judgmental towards whom I decided to go on a date with, but I thought it would be okay as long as it I did it to protect myself from something I knew would happen. Why go through all the bad shit again if I didn’t have to? It made sense to me. But seeing my mother’s disappointed and reprimanding expression made my stomach drop. I never wanted to disappoint my mother. She had done so much for me, had always loved me, even through my darkest days and my moodiest phases, had never judged me even when I deserved it, had always been fair in her punishments even when I was completely out of line and had hurt her feelings, had always loved me, deeply and unconditionally, no matter what. I couldn’t stand hurting her in any way. And I could stand it even less now, when she needed to focus on her health, when she needed me to be there for her. She didn’t have the energy to worry about me. She needed me positive and supportive, not broody and aggressive.
“You’re right,” I whispered, my voice small.
Her face split into a proud smile as her eyes lit up. I heard Ben cough and choke on his coffee and looked up to glare at him. He raised his hands as if to ward me off. “Now, Princess, don’t glare at me like that. You can’t be surprised at my reaction.” I knew he was right too, but there was no way I’d admit that. I looked back at my mom and agreed. “I’ll try. I promise. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna start dating him. I’ll try to be nice and get to know him like I would anyone else, but that’s all I’m promising.”
“That’s all I’m asking. If you don’t like him, you don’t like him. But don’t shut him out before you even give him a chance. That’s no way to live, Rainey.”
“Fine.”
“Great!” She clapped her hands and grinned at me. I rolled my eyes at her and at Ben, who was now chuckling as he threw his arm around Mom and kissed her temple in adoration. I shook my head at them but couldn’t help but smile as I took a sip from my coffee.
“When are you going?”
“He’s picking me up at eight.” Silence for a second, then, “Rainey, it’s already seven thirty.”
I checked the clock above the door and took a double take. Shit. He was going to be here in thirty minutes. I jumped out of the chair and hurried to the front door, shouting a Thank you over my shoulder as I closed the door behind me.
Now I was getting dressed in my bedroom while Logan was waiting downstairs after he’d taken me completely off-guard when he showed up early. I couldn’t believe the way he had reacted to Ben. He’d been so jealous and ready to take Ben out for being for what I had let him believe to be my dinner date and making me coffee. But should I really be that surprised? After what he had told me yesterday? I shouldn’t. Yet here I was, completely thrown. I had thought his reaction ridiculous at first and had gotten mad, but when I saw the look on his face when he watched Ben with my mom, when he had understood who Ben was, I had been somewhat embarrassed. Though stubborn as I am, I hadn’t let him see that. I was behaving like an immature teenager, playing games that were beneath a grown woman. I should have told him yesterday who Ben was when he had asked. I knew what he had thought, that I’d had a date, and him seeing me coming out of Ben’s house the next morning with a coffee in my hand, thanking him for last night, I could only imagine the conclusion he had come to. Not that it was any of his business whom I spent my time with. And in my defence, I hadn’t meant to take it this far, and none of that would have happened if he hadn’t shown up early, so it wasn’t all completely my fault. But I shouldn’t goad him. That was juvenile and completely unnecessary. I had seen the anger in his eyes, which in return had spiked my anger, and had been ready to blast him right there before my mom had intervened and reminded me of what I had promised. Then the look Logan gave me when he touched my cheek…it had thrown me. I had no clue what to do with it.
Or rather, with my reaction to it.
He had steamrolled me yet again. But not forcefully and pushy this time. No. He had been so gentle, not just with his touch but by how he’d looked at me with soft eyes, so understanding and reassuring, which baffled me, because he couldn’t know the whirlwind of feelings I’d been living through these past few days. It had felt like he was looking into my soul, which was so cheesy it made me shake my head just to think about. No man had ever looked at me like that, and the tingles and warmth it had created inside me completely confused me. But I didn’t have time to dwell on it.
I pulled my hair that was still wet from the quick shower I’d grabbed into a messy bun, searched for a pair of clean yoga pants, a sports bra, and a tank, pulled all of it on and made my way downstairs.
“Ready?” I asked before I even turned the corner
into the kitchen, fiddling with my hair while trying to remember where I had left my runners, my eyes to the ground. I stopped short when I saw his shoes enter my line of sight, then looked up and saw he was standing right in front of me. Close. So close his body was less than an inch away from touching mine. He was grinding his teeth, his face hard.
What now?
“That’s what you’re wearing?”
I cocked my head to the side. “Well, we’re going to the gym, aren’t we? These are my workout clothes.” I looked him up and down and realized he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I frowned and said, “I thought you were going to show me what you’d be teaching in the course. Like actually show me. Hands on.”
He lifted my head with a finger under my chin so I had to meet his eyes. “I was only gonna show you the place and introduce you to the trainers who are volunteering.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling like an idiot. “I’ll go change real quick.” I was already half turning around to head back upstairs when he grabbed my arms and pulled me into his body, so that now we were touching from the waist down. His eyes were hot on mine. I swallowed.
“Don’t. I thought I’d have to talk you into this whole thing, but I’d much rather show you.” His voice was low and his words were suggestive. I put my hands to my hips in challenge while trying to take a step away from him, something I failed in succeeding since he only tightened his grip on my arms.
“I already told you it was a good idea. No need to talk me into anything. My job is to make sure everything is set up and good to go, and I’m there as moral support for the girls. I assumed you were going to show me, physically show me, what the girls would be learning so I know what I’m dealing with. Was I wrong?”
“No, you weren’t wrong.”
“Well, then I hope you have a change of clothes in the car.”
“I don’t. But I have one at the gym.”
I gave him one stern nod. “Great. Can we go then?”
“We sure can.”
I waited. He didn’t move.
“You need to let me go so we can go, Logan.” I was getting irritated.
“Give me a moment, firecracker. I’m trying not to kiss you.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Why?”
“Why?” He scrunched his eyebrows in surprise yet again; this time a smile playing at the corners of his lips added to my irritation.
“Yes, why?”
“That’s a good question.” I watched in horror—and if I was honest with myself, in anticipation—as he lowered his face toward mine. I leaned back, out of his lips’ reach right before they were about to touch mine when I realized my mistake.
“No, that’s not what I meant. I meant, why do you want to kiss me? I told you—”
“And I told you I wasn’t going to give up. I never lie and I always stand by my word.”
“Do you now?”
“Yes. I do.”
“Well, so do I.” I crossed my arms over my chest even though it was a little awkward since he was still holding on to said arms. Like I told my mother, I wasn’t going to give in. Just because I promised not to be a bitch didn’t mean I was going to date him or let him kiss me again.
His eyes roamed my face and the smile was back on his lips. “This is going to be interesting,” he mumbled under his breath.
“No, Logan, it’s not. It’s very simple, actually. We’re going to look at the space, you’re going to introduce me to the trainers, show me some of the moves you plan on teaching the girls, then we’ll talk about scheduling, and I’ll go back to work. See? Simple.”
“Not even close, firecracker. Not even close.”
He let go and stepped back, watching me as I went to the front hall to get my sneakers.
“Why do you keep calling me that?” My eyes were focused on tying my shoes, so I didn’t see the smirk crossing his face, but I heard it when he answered, “Because you’re predictable but surprising at the same time. Because you’re spunky. Because if I’m not careful, I know I’m gonna get burned and I still wanna get close. Because you’re worth the risk and I know, I just know, once you explode, you’re gonna be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”
My hands froze as my eyes shot up to his face at hearing his words.
“And by exploding I mean you under me, me inside you, both of us tangled up in each other until we can’t tell each other apart, until we’re one.”
I gulped. My heart was beating heavy in my chest, both out of fear and excitement. My eyes followed his movements as he walked toward me until he was looming over me, causing my neck to tilt at an uncomfortable angle. Then he crouched down until our eyes were at the same level and cupped my cheeks. “And I don’t just mean that in the physical sense. I mean that in any way possible.” Then his lips brushed mine in a gentle touch. I couldn’t react, couldn’t do anything but let him kiss me in a way I’ve never been kissed before. That gentle touch did more to me than a searing kiss ever could—and I knew from experience that his searing kiss had the potential of turning me upside down and inside out. Our eyes were open, and even though I was right there, I didn’t know what was happening to me, couldn’t identify the feelings washing over and through me. There were too many things he was telling me with his eyes; I couldn’t grasp them all. But what I could read scared the ever-loving hell out of me: there were warmth and affection, there was passion, there were promise, reassurance, and protection; and most terrifying of all: there was trust. Trust he was giving me and trust I could expect from him; trust he was going to demand from me.
Always.
Oh dear God.
The moment that sank in, my body stiffened and my mind went into overdrive, but before I could react, Logan leaned back and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers—which felt amazing by the way, but there was no room in my head to process it—then snatched up my phone and wallet from the little table in the hall, opened the front door, and pulled me behind him to his truck. My mind was so jumbled up that all I could do was follow him and let him put me in the passenger seat while I tried to breathe and get my emotions under control. Logan didn’t say a word as he got in on the driver’s side and started the car; what he did do was take my hand in his as soon as he’d maneuvered the truck out of the parking spot and onto the street, again lacing our fingers, then rest them on the console. I stared at our connected hands as his thumb gently rubbed my knuckles, struck silent.
I lifted my eyes to look at his profile, expecting him to be smug about my befuddled state, but what I saw was a relaxed Logan. He was completely at ease, seemed happy almost. Though I thought I detected a hint of apprehension as well.
“I…Uhm…I don’t think—”
I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but it didn’t matter since Logan surprised me once again when he lifted our hands and placed soft kisses on my fingertips, one by one. My breathing came out in little gasps, but still he didn’t make eye contact and remained silent as he drove.
I needed a minute or ten to get myself under control. It was just after eight in the morning and I’d had already ridden the emotional rollercoaster more than once in the less than two hours since I got up. I hadn’t had enough coffee for this kind of stress. Hell, there wasn’t enough coffee in the world to deal with this kind of stress. And I needed food. Stat.
“I’m hungry,” I said as soon as the thought crossed my mind.
Logan let go of my hand—which caused a feeling of loss in the pit of my stomach I would never admit to and wasn’t about to explore—to open the console and pull out the brown paper bag I’d noticed in his hand when he’d come to the house earlier. His chin lifted in the direction of the travel mugs sitting in the cup holders. My eyes followed and I realized they were my mugs.
“I got those ready and put them in the truck while you took a shower. Can’t let good coffee go to waste.”
I shook my head. What the hell was I supposed to do with that? I imagined Logan rummaging through my kitchen cabinets in search of travel
mugs, and surprisingly, it didn’t make me upset. It should. I should feel like he invaded my privacy or something by making himself at home in my kitchen, even though he hadn’t been invited to do so. Shouldn’t I? I shook my head again, trying to clear it, and reached for the coffee.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I could hear the smile in his voice but didn’t comment. First things first. I needed caffeine and food in my belly if I was hoping for the slightest chance of figuring out what I was going to do. So I did just that. I pushed all the jumbled-up thoughts fighting for attention in my head aside and ate the breakfast Logan had so thoughtfully provided.
When we pulled up in front of the gym, most of my coffee was gone. The bagel sat like lead in my stomach when I took a peek through the front window. I could make out a couple of well-built men jumping rope in the front of the—what looked to be huge—gym. My nerves were getting the best of me at the thought of having to step inside. All thoughts about Logan disappeared as dread mixed with disappointment and anger threatened to overwhelm me. I closed my eyes.
You’re being ridiculous, Rainey. Get your shit together. It’s just a damn gym.
I took a deep breath, then opened my eyes and reached for the door handle. At a squeeze of my hand I was reminded of it still being held by Logan. I turned to look at him and was hit with sympathy and worry shining from his eyes; and anger.
Why is he angry?
“Everything okay?” I asked, confused.
“No.” He shook his head.
“What—”
Logan leaned across the console, pulling me closer at the same time until we were almost nose-to-nose.
“I can see you’re struggling. Since you refused to tell me what that scumbag did to you, I can only guess.” He leaned in even further. Now our noses did actually touch. “I want you to know you’re safe with me. I won’t let anything hurt you. Ever.” I started to shake my head, but he stopped me as he let go of my hand and cupped my face in both of his. “Nobody in there is going to lay a finger on you, Rainey. I promise.”