Listen and learn. The words settled over me. Violet’s words.
I once said that the greatest revenge came from knowing your enemy so intimately that you pitied them, but that wasn’t quite right. It came from knowing your enemy, understanding them, watching, until you had no choice but to love them—and in doing so, you had the power to break them.
You can’t love someone if you can’t see outside yourself, and so my job was to listen, to learn, and to try.
It was so simple, but the hardest things in life often are.
“After the tremors died away”—Alexandra swallowed—“we told ourselves we would stay at the safe house for three days. Surely you would come back…but you never did. After five days, Aaron declared that he was leaving and taking you with.
“We didn’t know what was wrong or how to help you. Your eyes were open, but no one was home. He could calm you, but he couldn’t pull you back to us. We were running out of options, and I wasn’t letting him take you anywhere without me.” Her eyes glistened with tears I wished she wouldn’t shed. Certainly not for my sake. “So we came with. Most of us. Elizabeth disappeared again in all of the commotion, and by the time someone realized…she was already gone.”
“What about Cade and Tam?” I asked.
“They stayed behind with Xellos for…damage control,” Alexandra said. I nodded. It made sense. “And Milla is staying with them to receive proper training.”
“Training?”
“She’s a Witch, and a very powerful one at that. Johanna thought it might be best if she could begin learning about her people with Xellos,” Aaron supplied. I nodded in agreement. She was only a child, not even thirteen. If sending her to Xellos would let her learn and keep her out of this war, I wouldn’t argue.
Speaking of Xellos…
“What about Michigan? Did you ever return to find out more about—”
“The house was already burned down by the time we could leave to go,” Alexandra answered. Blair stiffened at the mention of her childhood home and the place her mother had likely died, but she didn’t speak.
“I see…”
Alexandra reached across the empty space and placed her hand on my bare leg.
“We’ll figure out what happened, but it’s going to take time,” she said. I nodded again and her hand slipped away from my knee leaving me somewhat empty as the chill of the air settled inside.
It always came back to time.
I turned to Aaron and asked, “Why did you choose Carson City?”
“It’s my father’s main residence.”
Main residence…
The main Shifter residence.
And it belonged to his father.
Which made him the…
“Your father is the Alpha.”
“Yes.”
I nodded, more for them than for myself. They needed to know I was here. I was present, and I wasn’t freaking out. Yet.
“And what does he think of all this?” I motioned to Alexandra, Blair, Amber, and myself. If we were here, then the others were as well.
“My father has been working with the rebellion for some time now. Provided there is no danger to our people, he sees no problem with them being here,” Aaron supplied with a tight turn of his lips. It suddenly made a lot of sense how so many Shifters had tried to come between me and him. I probably looked like a crazy woman if I’d been asleep so long.
“And me?”
“You’re my signasti. You will always be welcome, no matter the circumstances.”
That was an awfully altruistic view. Just goes to show how different Shifters and Supes really were.
“Is there anything else I should know?” I asked.
“My father and his guards have known you were here, but today is the first day the rest of the world learned of your existence.” He paused, his eyes flicking towards the heavens as he took a deep breath. “Most of my people will accept you as my signasti, but they are going to question you. A lot. That’s the Shifter way, but it’s nothing you can’t handle.”
His unyielding faith scared the shit out of me, and for the first time since waking up, ice settled over me. It turned my fingers and bare feet cold, spreading from the outside in.
Deep breaths, I reminded myself.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
You can do this. You are making a choice.
A knock on the door came and Blair jumped to her feet to get it.
“Please,” I whispered. She stilled halfway to the door. “I’m not ready to see anyone else yet. I need—” My voice cracked, and I swallowed the lump inside my throat that tried to silence me. “I need more time.”
Blair nodded, and I had to avert my eyes to stop myself from lashing out at the pity I found in hers. I didn’t want pity from anyone, and that part of me would never change.
I rose to my feet and walked to the balcony, trying to block out her voice as she whispered for them to leave. Whoever it was, they didn’t speak, but their footsteps echoed in my ears as they walked away.
I had let myself break. The ocean pulled me under, and only the light of dawn drew me out. Then I slept. I slept for weeks. Months. Depression claimed me until I had no other choice but to come back to this world of the living and feel everything all over again.
Last time, the sunrise broke me, but this time…I would look to the dusk.
To the setting sun.
“One day,” I whispered. It was my promise to myself.
I swore it before the dawn, and now again before a dying day.
There would be many, many days that I would falter and fail, but just as the sun always rose, again did it fall. I would not be the moon that eclipsed the world. I would be the sun.
And one day I will rise, but for now…for now I must fall.
Chapter 18
I stayed on the balcony for a long time. Long after Amber excused herself and Blair followed. Even Alexandra gave me space now that she was sure I wasn’t going to have a repeat.
No one said it, but I could feel it in the air. Their pain. Their tension. The resigned sense of disappointment that I was back but somehow lacking. I was different, but not whole. I don’t think they recognized the girl that came back from the darkness, and maybe that was because they could not see me. They did not know what took place in my mind, or just how different I was. But the crippling sense that they somehow saw me as less stung.
How do you fix that?
The question echoed within me long after the skies turned from blue to black. Brilliant orbs of fire lit the night. Stars young and old, burning. Always burning. My father once told me that the stars were the last remnants of the ancients.
That somewhere up there Nyx was locked in a burning prison.
I always wondered if she was waiting for something, someone, that could set her free. After all, wouldn’t you want to be free from that kind of eternal hell? My father never answered me, but part of me now wondered if she did it to herself. If she couldn’t stand what she saw when she looked at the world, and so she locked herself away.
Forever burning from what became of her children.
Did she even try to fix us? Could she? And did I have any chance of freeing myself if even a Goddess preferred her prison to the world she created?
The energy around me stirred as he walked out onto the balcony beside me.
Silent footsteps. Slow beating heart. Steady, even breaths.
“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked. His voice was deep, dark, and lovely.
“I’m contemplating the secrets of the universe,” I replied, honest with him for the first time.
“Let me know if you discover anything,” he said lightly. I wasn’t fooled by the nonchalance, but it was better than talking about heavier things.
“I should probably figure out how to fix myself before I look at the rest of the world. With my track record, I’m more likely to break it,” I said, cringing once the words were out of
my mouth. There was honesty, and then there was brutal self-loathing. I made a point to never show anyone how deep that streak ran, but my demon didn’t want to hide from him. I would have to be wary of that.
“Or you could let him see it all,” Violet suggested, piping up from her corner. I could feel how much my demon eagerly agreed and I grimaced to keep from telling Violet to buzz off.
“You have been through a lot and I don’t think anyone can blame you for struggling. It is not an easy transition for anyone, Supernatural or Shifter, when we come into the age of maturity. Yours has been made even more difficult,” he said. Was that…understanding in his voice? Was he trying to empathize with me?
I glanced sideways, but his eyes were not on me. He looked to the night sky.
“You’re only saying that because of who I am.”
“You mean the first matter manipulator of the new age? Or a girl that lost her sister while trying to stay afloat?” My lips thinned into an even line. “I know what you’re referring to, Selena, but I am not blind to your faults because you are my signasti. I have never seen you as anything but what you are.”
Unlike how I see you? I thought bitterly. Luckily this time, my thoughts stayed in my mind and didn’t come blurting out of my mouth.
“Answer me this,” I said. “How can you stand to look at me—to save me—after what I did? How are you not afraid like the rest of them?”
And the truth comes out. He nodded like he was expecting it. Maybe he was. Violet always found my questions quite predictable. I must be losing my touch.
“Because I know the madness you walk in. I see your shadows, as you call them. I know how afraid you are of yourself, but most importantly, I see how much you want to change.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “And I know that if you can find it in yourself to be better, then so can I. You give me hope.”
Hope.
Such a sentimental feeling. Yet it was the only thing that stood between me and utter destruction. Hope that I could get better. Be better.
“You’re quite the smooth talker when you want to be,” I said, pushing aside the light fluttering in my chest. He chuckled.
“You would dismiss anything I said that didn’t line up with your own views of yourself,” he replied. I pursed my lips just a little as I considered it.
“Perhaps.” It was the only acknowledgement I would give of just how close to the truth that statement was.
We stood there well into the night, like two people getting to know each other for the first time.
I didn’t remember falling asleep but woke to light filtering through the dark curtains of Aaron’s room. It was the same one I’d woken in the first time, and just as empty. Beside me sat a folded note.
Went for a run. – A.
A run sounded blissful right about now. Nothing better to clear my head than the pumping of blood and muscle exhaustion. I hopped out of bed, raring to go. Not that I could actually do anything without real clothes, or shoes…come to think of it…when was the last time I showered?
Footsteps approached the door, heavy and lumbering, but familiar. I opened the bedroom and crossed the small living space. My stomach rumbled as the smell of bacon and eggs hit me, and the smell of—was that coffee?
I grasped the door handle and pulled it open. A wicked snap filled the air. The blood drained from my face as I took in the door dangling from my hand.
“Ohmigawd—did you just take the door off—that’s like, the coolest thing ever!”
I cringed, dropping the door to clap my hands over my ears as I jumped away from the obnoxious child.
“Do you have to be so loud?” I snapped. That seemed to shut her up. She cocked an eyebrow, not even phased by my reprimand.
“You really are his signasti, aren’t you?” I rolled my eyes at the smile on her face and motioned to the tray of food in her arms.
“Is that for me?” I asked, jutting my chin towards her, still not willing to lower my hands until she could prove to speak in a reasonable tone.
“Yup.”
“You can leave it on the coffee table,” I said dismissively. Not that she paid any mind. She dropped the tray on the table and plonked her ass on the fluffy leather couch.
“You seem kinda grouchy to be his signasti. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s no basket of sunshine either, but I just thought you were supposed to be the better half of him—”
Does this girl ever shut up? I wanted to snap again, but my demon had other ideas. I settled for taking the chair across from her and sipping the coffee.
“You seem to know a lot about me. Have any idea where I can find some clothes?” I asked her. She flicked her eyes across my makeshift outfit and wiggled her eyebrows. Good god, she was like a younger version of Amber—that somehow the demonic beast inside me found adorable.
“He hasn’t gotten you any clothes yet? Typical. He probably wanted you to smell like him to ward off any other males. He’s a bit territorial like that. Gets it from our father, my aunt says, but you didn’t hear that from me.” She plucked a piece of bacon off my tray, completely oblivious to the little nugget she just gave me.
“Your father?” I asked. At this point I would probably learn more just to let her keep talking. She didn’t seem to have any sort of filter on her. How lucky for me.
“Oh yeah, he’s just like dad. Not that he sees it. If anything, he hovers even worse. Aunt Sarah says it’s an Alpha thing, but she’s an Alpha and you don’t see her going all growly over shit,” she said and then quickly cupped her hand over her mouth, her face going a little red. “Oops. Pretend you didn’t hear that. They don’t like it when I cuss.”
Despite my initial urge to throttle her, I found myself smirking instead.
“Don’t worry. I don’t care if you curse. It’ll be our little secret,” I said very seriously. You would think I hung the moon with the smile that broke across her face.
“You know, I’m starting to see what he likes about you, Lena. I’m Keyla.” She half waved at me while taking another piece of bacon. I took a piece for myself, savoring the salty crunch. Yesterday I was too overwhelmed to eat, so food was another first for my demon, and it made me appreciate my first meal back a little more.
“My name’s actually Selena,” I said, pausing to swallow. “I just don’t make a point of giving it out when I wake up in strange places.”
“I know your name now, but I like Lena better. Plus, it’ll piss him off that I already have a nickname for you.” She cackled wickedly and I suddenly saw a glimpse of why my demon found her so endearing.
Taking a bite of eggs, I continued. “Speaking of pissing him off…I’m feeling cooped up. I want to go on a run. You think you could help me find some clothes?” Maybe it was sneaky to manipulate a kid, but she wasn’t that much younger than me—and it’s not like she was entirely innocent.
“That depends. Can I go running with you?”
My eyes swept across her face. It was such an innocent question, but given what I woke up to yesterday, I hesitated, and only for a fraction of a second.
“What? Think you’re too good for me?” she asked, a bit defensive.
Why on earth would she assume that?
“Not at all,” I replied. “I’m just surprised that you’re not afraid of me.” It was the honest truth and it would have been completely awkward had she not thrown her head back and laughed.
“I’m not afraid of anyone. My dad’s the Shifter Alpha. You don’t get far being afraid of people,” she replied.
“No,” I agreed. “You don’t.”
“So, can I come with you?” she asked again.
“Sure,” I nodded to her. “If you can keep up.”
Her eyes sparkled at the challenge. “I’m the third fastest in our pack, second only to my cousin and brother. I can do better than keep up.”
I smiled faintly at the confidence she exuded. My demon found her absolutely charming, and I guess I could kind of see it. She did bring me food after all.
“Your cousin? They must be pretty fast if they outrun Aaron,” I mused, piling the last of my eggs onto a slice of toast.
“You could say that. Amber’s next in line to be the alpha over the cats, and she’s got a gift for speed.” She snatched the last piece of bacon off my tray, completely oblivious to my pause.
“Amber is pretty fast,” I agreed, chewing slowly.
Amber? Amber was his cousin?
That made so much sense, but why didn’t he say anything? I would have to ask…
“You know her?” Keyla asked excitedly. “You must have gone to Daizlei with her before—”
She broke off sharply, as if it only just registered with her that Daizlei was gone. I wonder if she would have gone there, had it not been wiped off the map. Clearly, she didn’t know the part I had to play in that.
“Yeah, we were roommates at Daizlei,” I said softly, not thinking about all the people that have died since that night. Thinking on it did no one any good. “I didn’t know she and Aaron were related at the time though.”
We sat in a slightly awkward but comfortable silence while I finished off my breakfast with haste and drained the coffee in large gulps.
“Ready?” I asked her, getting to my feet. She jumped up next to me and led the way out, only sparing the door a brief glance.
“We’re about the same height, don’t you think?” she asked, plowing down the hallway. It was a wonder she didn’t wake anyone else with how loud she was.
“Yeah, about. Why?” I asked, coming up beside her as she stopped at a door at the very end of the hall overlooking the three floors drop I’d jumped yesterday.
“Because if my brother sees you wearing the community clothes he’ll bitch at me for it later,” she answered, opening the door. Inside it was what could only be described as a preteen’s bedroom. Lime green walls assaulted my eyes almost as much as the smell that was coming from the door at the back. Clothes littered the floor, draped over the couches, a bra hanging off the lamp by her bed.
It was the complete opposite from the room I was staying in, but again, it reminded me of a certain copper-haired roommate of mine that I’d shared space with for a year. Now I knew why.
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