by ML Gardner
“It’s good to see everyone again,” he said quietly.
Maura walked up to him with open arms.
“Do you have any idea how much you were missed?” She pulled back and held his thin face in her hands. “How much you are loved?”
“I think so, Maura. Thank you.”
“Come and sit. You look tired. Arianna is making some iced tea and there’s plenty of food that was prepared for the, well, the wedding.” She smiled nervously.
Aryl stiffened at the word wedding but followed Maura and sat where she pointed. Claire sat close beside him, taking Jac on her lap. He chewed on his fist and stared curiously at Aryl.
He expected a firestorm of questions but everyone just stared. As if everyone wanted to know, but they were all afraid to ask. It quickly became awkward, clear that if there were to be conversation, he was going to have to be the one to start it.
“Maybe someone could fill me in on what I missed. How’s everyone been?”
The room started to come to life as the back door burst open and heavy, hurried footsteps rushed to the living room.
Kathleen stood at the threshold, staring. She blinked, shook her head and stared again. Michael stood behind her grinning, tears brimming to the edge.
“I told you!” she screamed as she ran across the room. Aryl stood up just in time for her to crash into him, hugging him in a stranglehold. “I told you! I told you! I told you!” she continued to yell as she rocked him back and forth.
“My boy!” She took his face in her hands. “You’re so thin…so thin. But you’re alive!” She threw her head back, cackling and hugged him again, jumping up and down. Michael moved in, anxious for a touch and it took her a moment to finally step aside. While he embraced his son, Kathleen ran around the room, from one person to the next, yelling. “I told you!” “I told you he was alive!” “You didn’t believe me!” “You said I was crazy!”
Everyone couldn’t help but laugh at her, animated as she was, her hair flying and her eyes bulging. Tears of laughter and joy flowed again from almost everyone in the room.
When Kathleen finally settled down, Arianna and Maura set the long table with food that had been prepared for the wedding. Arianna set a stack of plates at the end and announced dinner, buffet style. There was no big rush, but people straggled in one and two at a time to fill their plate.
“Have you seen Jean?” Jonathan asked Ava as they sidestepped down the length of the table.
“No, not in the last half hour or so.” She looked up at the back door and through the screen she could see him sitting on the top step with his chin in his hands. She nudged Jonathan. “He’s out there.”
Jonathan craned his neck and set his plate down. “I’ll go get him. You go ahead and eat.”
He sat beside Jean, trying to see what he was seeing. The child stared intently at nothing in particular.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Jonathan said.
Jean shook his head. Jonathan dug in his pocket. “Okay, I think I have a nickel.”
“No, Dadee. Save it for the bebe. I’ll tell you for free. If you promise you won’t be angry.”
“Why on earth would I be angry?”
Jean shrugged. “Because I was wondering things.”
Jonathan laughed. “I wouldn’t ever be angry at you for wondering things. That’s how you learn.”
“Well,” he started, drawing up courage and sitting up straight. “Aryl came back when everyone thought he was dead.”
“Yes, it’s quite a miracle.”
“And I got to thinking, what if my mommy comes back, even though everyone thinks she’s dead.”
Jonathan felt a heavy weight of incompetence and he scrubbed his face with his hand, buying time. He hated moments like this, when he had no idea of what to say, besides the hurtful truth.
“Jean, I’m so sorry, but your mom is not coming back. That is totally different.”
“Why is it different? He came back when no one thought he would.” He looked up with big eyes that begged for a shred of hope.
“Aryl was picked up by another ship and taken away.” At least that’s what Claire told him when she stepped out to use the restroom and Jonathan caught her in the hall. “He never really died.”
“And my mommy did?”
“Yes, Jean. She did.”
“How do you know?”
“Because…I just know. When she died, her attorney had a trunk shipped here for you. Attorneys wouldn’t lie.” He opened his mouth to correct that, but decided to leave well enough alone.
“Will you take me there?”
“Where?”
“To Paris. To see her grave. Then I’ll know for sure.”
“I wish I could. That’s a very expensive trip. Maybe one day,” he said and put his arm around Jean. “Let’s go inside and get something to eat, okay?”
Laughter rang from the house as they stepped inside. Ava turned and smiled from where she sat and Jonathan smiled back. Kathleen and Michael were telling a very manic version of how she nearly drove them to the poor house with the fortune teller.
Aryl sat and though he appeared to be listening, Jonathan could tell his thoughts were elsewhere.
When Kathleen stopped talking, she took a deep breath and simply stared at her son. “It’s a miracle,” she whispered. “Aryl, you have to tell us how this happened. Where have you been?”
“Oh, it’s a really long story,” he said, not looking anyone in the eye.
“Well, we’ve got all night.” Jonathan laughed and the room grew quiet, waiting for Aryl to speak. “And I don’t think anyone’s going anywhere!”
“I really…” His body and eyes shifted uncomfortably. “I really don’t want to talk about it, just yet.”
“But, Son.”
“Mom, please. It’s been a really long day and I’m tired. I’m still…getting used to this.”
“It’s just that we care. We all do. And we’re so happy you’re home, we just want to know what’s kept you from us all this time.”
“I know!” He rocketed out of the chair, his face angry, his fists clenched at his sides. “I know you want to know, but I don’t want to talk about it!”
His sudden explosion silenced the room; the small children looked up at him, frightened. The grown ups stared, confused. Looking pained, he quietly apologized for yelling.
“I have to use the bathroom,” he said as he rushed past his friends.
∞∞∞
Jonathan waited outside the bathroom door. He heard Aryl shuffling around on the other side, occasionally muttering to himself. He leaned against the wall and waited until Aryl unlocked the door and stepped out.
He leveled his head and pushed off the wall. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” Aryl looked down. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.”
“It’s gotta be hard.”
Aryl nodded.
“But you have to understand how happy we are. We care and we’re curious.”
“I know you are. I just can’t talk about it right now.”
Jonathan pulled the notebook out from behind his back. “The detective gave me this. Said it explained everything. How he found you and all.”
Aryl looked at it for a long moment and put his hand out. Jonathan handed it over.
“Do you mind if I keep this for a while?”
“No. But why? If you don’t want to tell us what happened, maybe it would be easier if we read it. Save you the trouble.”
Aryl opened it and scanned several pages.
“This isn’t the whole story anyway.” He flipped it closed and tucked it inside his bag. “I’d like to keep it.” He didn’t wait for an answer before heading back to join the others.
∞∞∞
It was late and Claire was nervous as she readied for bed. She pulled her dress over her head, dropped it on the bathroom floor, and reached for her thin white nightgown. She knew he was changing right now, in the bedroom. She could hear the baby fuss do
wnstairs, but he settled quickly. Maura had offered to take care of him for the night to afford them some time to get reacquainted. She found herself wishing she hadn’t accepted the offer. Jac’s fussing would provide a nice distraction. They could only discover each other again so quickly dealing with a newborn in the room. She closed her eyes feeling guilty. This was her Aryl and she was happy beyond words that he was back. She knew every inch of his body and he knew hers. There was nothing to be afraid of. She’d felt him alive when it defied all logic; connected to him on a level few couples experienced. And yet she felt more nervous than on her wedding night. As if she was getting ready to climb into bed with a stranger.
She was surprised to find Aryl standing by the window in their bedroom. He was still fully clothed, staring out into the darkness.
“Are you okay?”
He turned. “Fine.”
“Are you tired?”
“Exhausted.”
She pointed her thumb towards the door. “I can give you more time if you need to change.”
“I’m alright.”
They stood in awkward silence for a moment and finally Claire moved toward the bed, pulling the covers back.
“There’s no pressure, Aryl. I mean—” She flustered and blushed fiercely.
“I know what you mean.”
“It’s not that I’m not wanting you to, it’s just—”
“There are things we should talk about first.”
“Okay.” Not what she was expecting to hear.
“I’ve been gone and you’ve moved on.”
“HAD moved on. Past tense. It’s not like I’ve moved on now. Now that you’re back, I’m right here. Not…there.” She glanced out the window.
“Were you there before?”
“Was I where before?”
“With him.”
“We were going to get married.”
“So you were.”
“I’m going to need you to be a little more clear with your questions, Aryl. What exactly are you asking?”
She crawled into bed and pulled the covers up. He moved away from the window and she startled at how he looked. More ragged than before, starting to sweat, squinting as if he were in pain, or angry.
“Did you sleep with him?”
She stared at him with wide eyes.
“You asked me to be clear.”
She took a deep breath and nodded, looking down.
He shoved his hands in his pockets and began to pace the room.
“Aryl, you don’t understand.” She wanted to say more. To explain what really happened that night with Gordon.
“I understand well enough.”
“I thought you were dead. We were going to get married!”
“I’m aware of that. I just figured you hadn’t. I was hoping you hadn’t. ” He stopped and raised his shoulders, holding his hands out. “I figured that’s the kind of decent girl you were. Maybe you’d make him wait.”
“Aryl!” Her eyes filled with tears.
“Well, why, then? Did you think he wouldn’t marry you unless you did?”
“No, that’s not why.”
“Just felt like it then? Long walk on a moonlit night, all romantic and sweet and you just lost your senses and ended up on your back? Or were you tired of being lonely and since your husband died so long ago, might as well drop to the ground and go for it. Nothing better to do. Or, it could have been just to seal the deal. So he could feel like Jac was his son, not mine.”
“No, that’s not how it was! What’s wrong with you!” she yelled and covered her face with her hands, crying.
He stopped and looked at her as if seeing her for the first time.
“Oh, God. I’m sorry. Claire, I didn’t mean—” He grabbed handfuls of his hair and grimaced. “You don’t understand,” he said and grabbed his bag on the way out of the room.
Locked in the bathroom, he leaned his head against the door and took several deep breaths. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was hurt her. And yet, when he felt the monster rising up, it was all he could do. His battle was with it. But the monster was clever when it crept up, needing to be fed. It wouldn’t fight him directly. Instead, it made him hurt the ones he was near, ones he cared about; he didn’t want to, it made him, until he couldn’t stand to hurt them anymore and gave it what it wanted.
Feed the monster…feed the monster…feed the monster.
“Fine,” he growled and tore open his knapsack. Coming home was supposed to be a new leaf for him. Getting rid of this stuff for good. He didn’t want to feed the monster anymore; didn’t want to live with it anymore. He hated himself and he hated the bottle of elixir he could never get more than a few hours away from. Always on the search for more, always worried he wouldn’t find more and the monster would get louder and louder and make him do things he really didn’t want to do. He shuddered with memories. It was unfair that he’d lost his memory of his happy life, even just for a time, but couldn’t lose the ones from the last eleven months.
I can help you forget, for a little while.
He did want to forget. Needed to, even. The only thing the monster promised to do in return was to blur the memories he’d prefer not to have. Sometimes, that alone was worth giving in. He took a long drink.
There. You happy now? Will you leave me alone now?
Yes, I am. You know what will happen if you don’t feed me.
Aryl looked at his dark, sunken eyes in the mirror.
Then I become the monster.
That’s right.
Claire cried softly as Aryl sat on the side of the bed.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. He tried to touch her arm and she swatted it away. “I didn’t mean it, Claire. None of it. I was an ass and I’m sorry. This isn’t easy for me, you know. For all of you, life has continued on and I know it was hard, but everyone’s been in the same life…progress, setbacks, happy times, hard times. But me…I was thrown into another life and had to figure it out pretty quickly and then, just as suddenly, ripped from that life and thrown back into this one. My head’s still spinning, Claire.”
She pulled her head up from her knees. He looked tired, but peaceful. The dark shadows were gone from his face and he appeared sincere.
“Why did you have to know? About Gordon, I mean. What does it matter?”
“It doesn’t.”
“It sure did ten minutes ago!”
“I was wrong. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“Should I not ask as well?”
After a long silence, his eyes begged her not to.
“Don’t worry. I don’t want to know, Aryl.”
“I’ll tell you anything.” Quick, take advantage of this minute while the monster is asleep!
She shook her head.
“Am I still welcome to sleep here?” He tilted his head and smiled. The old Aryl.
She moved far over as he pulled the blankets back.
“Aren’t you going to change?” she asked as he climbed into bed.
“I’m sort of used to sleeping in my clothes. If that’s okay.”
“I guess. If that’s what you’re used to.”
He turned off the light. They lay stiff and awkward beside each other. A few restless moments later, he rose and opened the window. “Seems hot in here.”
She watched him silently.
Returning to bed, she could see just enough in the moonlit room; he put an arm out to her in invitation. Laying on her side, she nestled close to his body, his arm around her shoulders. They still fit perfectly together. She tried to shake off the ugliness of the night and stay in this exact moment. She could hear his heart and every beat sounded like a miracle. A tear slid onto his chest. He didn’t seem to notice. In fact, it was only a few moments later she felt his body relax and heard his slow, deep breathing.
She rose on one elbow and watched him. He still had the same long lashes, the same full lips. She tilted her head. His nose was crooked. Was it always like that? No, she decid
ed. It was slightly different. She supposed it would be hard, being thrown into a new life and suddenly ripped back to the old one.
She wondered where he’d been, really, all this time.
“You’re home now, my little drifter,” she whispered as she gently pushed a brown lock off his forehead.
May 5th 1931
Claire’s slippers sank down into the sand with every step. Aryl walked beside her, holding her hand.
“We had the memorial service over there.” She pointed. “I remember because of that great big piece of driftwood. Jonathan chose this spot so people could come here and sit. And it’s opposite of the lighthouse, which he figured I couldn’t bear to look at. He was right.”
It was hard to talk about, even with him standing right next to her. And it was odd pointing out the details of someone’s memorial, when they stood alive and well. “There were a lot of people. You should be proud to know how many friends you had. Have,” she corrected.
“Everyone gathered on the beach to talk about me? I hope it was good things.” He smiled shyly.
“Of course it was good things, Aryl.” She reached up to brush the hair off his forehead. “Some funny things, too, although no one was really in a mood to laugh.”
“What happened after everyone was done talking?”
“We buried a box. It was Caleb’s idea. He bought a box and everyone put something in it that reminded them of you. Then we all buried it together. I thought we could dig it up today.”
“Is that why you brought me here?”
She nodded. “I’d like you to see how much you were loved. Are loved,” she corrected again. And, I’d like to get my ring back.” She held up her hand. “I put it in there.”
He took her hand and studied it. “I hadn’t noticed it was gone,” he said.
“It’s been a whirlwind few days. But I’d really like to have it again.”
“Then I’ll get it back for you,” he said. She made her best guess where it would be based by the driftwood and he sank to his knees, scooping sand with his hands. Several minutes later, he was elbow deep and still pulling out sand.