“I’m not going to fuck anything up. Just back off and treat me like an—”
“Starting acting like an adult and I will.”
“What the hell more do you want from me? I quit the military. I came home. I’m working where you want me to work, living where you want me to live, giving Mom nearly my entire paycheck. What more could I possibly do to appease you?”
“You could have taken Dad fishing. You could have died instead of Brody.”
The life seemed to drain out of Tanner’s body. He went cold and started shaking. How many times had he screamed at himself for not having been the one with Dad that day? He was a better driver than Brody. Maybe he could have avoided the drunk who just had to make that cell call on the highway.
After all, it had been his turn to take Dad on the annual trip. He should have been the one to die, not Brody. And now Millie and Lyle were going to grow up without a father because he’d put his duty to his country over his duty to his family.
“I’m sorry,” said Reid, scrubbing his hand over his face. “I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.”
“You did. But that’s okay. I don’t blame you. I know you and Brody were tight.”
Reid’s eyes teared up, and he blinked fast to keep those tears from falling. “I miss him.”
“Me, too.”
Reid cleared his throat and wiped his eyes. “We should head back. I don’t want to leave all the work to the others.”
Tanner nodded, wishing he felt he could safely hug his brother, but he knew better. Reid stayed mad a long time, and now that he knew his brother had thought the same things Tanner had, it was clear that the gap between them wasn’t going to shrink anytime soon.
Grief sucked, and Reid had to deal with it in his own way, in his own time, just as Tanner was doing. He just hoped that when his brother was done dealing, the two of them would still be on speaking terms.
He turned to find Roxanne standing there, looking stunned.
“This is a private conversation, Razor,” said Reid.
Her face turned pink. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.” She turned and fled, slipping into her motel room.
“Well, shit,” muttered Reid as he stalked off. Tanner stood there watching both of them walk away. He couldn’t bring himself to follow either of them. He couldn’t take Reid’s anger, and he couldn’t face Razor with the weight of his guilt crushing him.
He stayed outside and shoved his damn emotions into a box so he could do what he needed to do. He’d deal with his baggage later—much, much later.
Roxanne leaned against the motel door, letting the cool air wash over her. She hadn’t meant to overhear Tanner’s conversation with his brother, but now that she had, she couldn’t get the image out of her head.
Reid had apologized for his remark, but she’d seen what it had done to Tanner. There was so much guilt between them, so much anger and grief.
She ached to go after Tanner and hug him. Not that he’d want that from her. He had his pride, and she didn’t want to take that from him—not on top of everything else he’d suffered.
Roxanne briefly considered having a talk with Reid. What he’d said was way out of line, even for a grieving man. Then again, what kind of anger would spew from her mouth if something happened to Jake?
All she would do was make things worse if she interfered, so she’d keep her mouth shut and leave their family problems to people in their family.
She had enough problems of her own to worry about.
Chapter Sixteen
Gage, Clay, and Reid had spent the rest of the day poking around Dry Valley while Tanner and Roxanne stayed behind in the RV. Used as a mobile command center, the vehicle was equipped with all the communications equipment they’d need to talk to both the men on the ground, as well as staying in touch with Mira back in Dallas.
Tanner turned off the microphones that transmitted to the receivers in the men’s ears so they wouldn’t be distracted by any chatter back in the MCC. He and Roxanne could hear the men talk, but little else could be heard through the earpieces.
Roxanne’s head drooped into her hands, and she seemed to wilt in defeat. “No one seems to know anything.”
“Give them time. It’s a small town. Someone will have seen something.”
“What if Jake was never there?”
“Have a little faith. Reid’s good at his job.”
She was only two feet away. The cramped confines of the RV practically had them sitting in each other’s laps. Not that he would have minded having Roxanne on his lap.
That was the problem.
He could smell her skin and the herbal shampoo she’d used. It reminded him all too much about last night and how far he’d let things go before putting on the brakes.
He could have let things go further. He could be sitting here right now, knowing exactly how she sounded when she climaxed. His curiosity and his regret at not taking what she’d so willingly offered were driving him mad.
Sure, he still had his honor, but right now, with her sitting so close, suffering, all he really wanted was to pull her in his arms and make them both forget everything else.
You could have died instead of Brody.
He’d never forget the look of devastation on his brother’s face as he’d uttered those words. Reid had claimed he hadn’t meant it, but Tanner knew otherwise.
Roxanne sniffed, pulling him out of his bleak thoughts. Her face was hidden, and he had the distinct impression she was crying.
“You okay?” he asked, his voice tight with his own emotional baggage.
She sucked in a long, deep breath and plastered a too-bright smile on her face as she looked up. “Yeah. Just frustrated.”
“We’ll find him,” said Tanner.
“Or we could let them find us.”
“What do you mean?”
“You said yourself that they weren’t trying to kill me. The man who broke into my room probably wanted to take me to wherever they’re hiding Jake. Maybe I should let them do it.”
Just the thought of her putting herself into that kind of danger made outrage and anger swell inside him. “I won’t let you do that,” he growled.
One of her blond eyebrows lifted in challenge. “You won’t let me? Did you seriously just say that?”
“You heard me. It’s stupid and risky. You have no idea what would happen to you if you put yourself in their hands; nor do you know if it would even help us find Jake. Or that you’d live through it.”
“True, but I also know it’s my call. Not yours.”
No. Tanner couldn’t let it happen. If he had to knock her out and sling her over his shoulder like a caveman and lock her in a room at the Edge until Bella could talk some sense into her, he would. Even if it meant she never spoke to him again. “Don’t push me on this, Razor. You won’t like what happens.”
“I’m not going to push you at all. I’m simply going to do what I see fit. With or without your approval.”
This was getting them nowhere fast. He couldn’t put himself at odds with her and still expect her to trust him. And he needed her to trust him—at least enough to keep him in the loop on what she planned to do.
If she was foolish enough to walk willingly into a trap, he had to at least be there when it sprang.
It was time to use diplomacy. “We need to give the men more time.”
“They’ve been in town all day. How many more days do you think Jake has?”
“He’s tough and well trained. He’ll survive until we find him.”
Reid’s voice came over the speakers. “The VFW was a bust. No one there’s seen him, and we nearly didn’t escape the gravitational well of conversation. I’ve never heard men talk more than those old-timers.”
Tanner flipped the microphone on as he watched Roxanne’s reaction to the news. “Did they say anything of use?”
“Nothing much,” said Clay. “They’ve seen a few strangers around town, but that’s not much to go on in a
town so close to a major highway.”
Reid spoke again. “One of them is convinced there’s something strange going on southwest of here. Of course, he thinks it’s aliens, so I’m not sure how valid his claims are.”
“He wasn’t lying,” said Gage, his low, quiet voice rough with disuse.
“I’m sure he believes every word he says,” said Reid. “That doesn’t make it true.”
Roxanne’s body seemed to sag in defeat. Tanner placed a reassuring hand above her knee, realizing his mistake too late. The slender strength of her thigh beneath his palm made him want to stroke higher, or to delve beneath the fabric of her jeans so he could feel her bare skin. He remembered how soft she’d been, how fast she’d responded to his touch. He remembered all the little sounds she’d made, and how her mouth had moved against his.
Desire hit him hard and fast, making sweat break out along his spine. His hand tingled and heat slid up his body as his cock hardened painfully against his fly.
Tanner shifted in his seat, trying to ease the ache, but all it did was make him look twitchy.
“We’ve got one more place to hit,” said Clay. “There’s a bar on the north side of town that is apparently the one and only source of nightlife in this area. We’ll go there and see what we can dig up.”
“Do you want us to come get you?” asked Roxanne.
“No. Stay put. We’re going to walk over. It’s not that far. We’ll see you in a bit.”
Tanner flipped the switch controlling the microphone and turned down the volume on the speakers. He didn’t want Roxanne hearing them talk about anything that might upset her more.
“It’s going to be another dead end,” she said. Defeat rang hollow in her voice, and a hint of grieving made her eyes glisten with tears.
She was spiraling down fast, losing hope. Hopeless people were desperate people, and Tanner couldn’t let her become desperate. She’d do something foolish and get herself killed.
“Stop it,” he ordered her. “We are going to find him. We are going to save him. And if you can’t stay positive, then you need to go back to the Edge and let me finish the job without you.”
That got her spine straightened out. She shot up from her chair, fury darkening her cheeks. Her blond hair framed her face, and the waning sunlight flowing through the pale curtain over the window made it glow like a fiery halo.
She loomed over him, shoving her finger hard against his chest. “If you think I’m backing off, you’ve lost your mind. This is my mission. My friend. We’ll do things my way.”
Roxanne looked like some kind of ferocious goddess in her anger. She radiated power, and her possessive talk only served to heighten the lust Tanner kept trying to fight off. Her lips were pulled back in a feral snarl, and all he could think about was kissing them again.
He stood, crowding her in the small space. The fact that she had to look up to him did nothing to diminish her ire. She was still radiating the power of her fear, worry, and determination with every beat of her heart.
Tanner took the hand she’d jammed against his chest and flattened her fingers with his palm until they were splayed over his heart. His body was buzzing with energy, his blood pounding hot and hard through his veins. He could no longer hear the men chatting over the sound of his own pulse.
Her fingers curled slightly, digging into his muscles.
He stepped closer, closing the space between them and holding her elbow so she couldn’t easily back up. Not that there was anywhere to go. “As long as doing things your way doesn’t get us killed, I’m game.”
“Do you think I don’t know what I’m doing? That I don’t know how to run a mission?”
“No, I think you’re emotionally compromised. I think you’re understandably upset.”
She blinked and spoke in a whisper. “I can’t lose him, Tanner. He’s all the family I have left.”
His heart squeezed, shoving out a wave of grief for his brother and dad. He’d lost so much, but not nearly as much as Roxanne had. He didn’t know how long it would be until he could think of them without pain. Right now, that kind of miracle seemed impossible. He wasn’t sure how she’d made it through her grief alone. At least Tanner and the rest of his family had one another to work through their loss. “You’re not going to lose him. I won’t let it happen.”
One side of her mouth lifted in a half smile. “I almost believe you.”
“That’s because I’m right. I’m not going to make you go through the kind of grief Reid and I’ve had to suffer.”
She closed the remaining few inches between them and laid her head on his shoulder. Her arm snaked around his waist, and she gave him a tight hug. “I’m so sorry you lost them. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to keep going every day.”
It was easier with her around. He didn’t understand why that was—whether she distracted him or kept him busy enough that he didn’t have time to think about it, or if there was simply something magical about her that drove away all the bad stuff. Either way, he was grateful for the bubble of comfort she provided.
Tanner wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back. He didn’t want her to pull away just yet, so he cupped the back of her head to hold her in place while he steadied his pounding heart.
His whole body rejoiced at her nearness, his skin heating and tingling wherever she touched. Her scent filled his head, shoving out all rational thought. He knew he shouldn’t be this close to her; he just couldn’t remember or care why.
Her fingers stroked his chest. Her breath tickled his neck. Her breasts cushioned his ribs as his breathing sped up.
He felt her head shift slightly, rubbing his fingertips against her scalp. A second later, her lips brushed his neck, the touch so light he wasn’t even sure it had really happened. She probably hadn’t meant to do it. It was just an accident created by the ill-timed movements of their breathing.
Tanner held his breath, praying for a repeat of the accident. His body was rigid, his muscles tense.
Nothing happened—no more strokes of her mouth on his skin.
Disappointment roared inside him, and only then did he realize how much he had wanted her touch. He knew he shouldn’t, but the why seemed inconsequential in the face of so much need. He could never want something that was bad for him as much as he wanted Roxanne.
She pulled her head away, and he had to fight the urge to force her to stay right where she was. He liked her here, plastered against him, close enough he could feel her breathing and know she was safe. But in the end, he couldn’t hold her captive, so he moved his hand, letting her silky hair slide between his fingers.
Instead of stepping away as he’d expected, Roxanne tilted her head back and looked at him. Her eyes had darkened to a rich hammered bronze, and her glossy lips were parted in invitation. Her gaze scoured his face, but she said nothing. She simply looked at him with some kind of longing he couldn’t translate. Was it for him? For Jake’s return? He couldn’t tell, so he kept staring, trying to puzzle it out.
What if she did want him? They’d already decided that their being together was a bad idea. But right now, that decision seemed like the mistake.
Tanner didn’t dare move. He felt trapped between what he wanted and what he knew was right. His noble intentions were swiftly fading as each second ticked by.
She licked her lips, drawing attention to her glossy mouth. He gritted his teeth until his molars ached from the force of his restraint.
“I want to kiss you,” she admitted, “but I promised myself I wouldn’t make a move on you again.”
He thought that was a seriously fucked-up idea. “Why?”
“You made it clear you didn’t want me.”
“Never. I’ve wanted you from the moment I saw you.”
A slight smile curved one side of her mouth, and that crooked smile nearly drove him to his knees. If it hadn’t been for the fact that he’d take her down, he wouldn’t have been able to find the strength to stay standing. “Maybe.
But you’re trying to be good. Do the right thing. Unfortunately, my impulse control isn’t so well developed. If you don’t let me go, I’m afraid I’m going to ruin all those good intentions of yours.”
That sounded like a fine idea to him. Who needed good intentions when he had Roxanne in his arms, sweet and eager?
He couldn’t shed the heat building inside him. His breathing sped and his heart was struggling to cool his blood, but it wasn’t working.
She was so fucking pretty. So soft. And her mouth was begging for his. She didn’t know he’d killed his brother. She looked at him like he was a hero, not a failure, and he liked it. She made him forget all the bad stuff. When he looked at her, his whole world shimmered with warmth.
Warning bells were gonging in his head, but he didn’t give a shit. He knew it was against the rules to get involved with her, but they could be careful. No one would have to know. After the hell he’d been through, he deserved something good in his life. Didn’t he?
She seemed to think so, and right now, that was enough for him.
Tanner lowered his head until their mouths met. He felt the moist slide of her lip gloss as she opened to his kiss. Her whole body seemed to melt in his arms, and she let out a soft, womanly sigh of pleasure.
Her arms tightened around his neck as her kisses became more greedy and desperate. His tongue swept inside her mouth, and, instantly, her taste filled his head, shoving all rational thoughts away. She was so sweet, like vanilla. They moved perfectly together, anticipating the motions of the other as they struggled to get closer.
The MCC was cramped, with barely any room to move, but he had to find enough space to feel what he’d denied himself last night.
Tanner put his hands on her ass and lifted her from the floor. She wrapped her legs around his hips as he carried her back to the small kitchen. All the windows were covered. The doors were locked. No one could see in. They were alone, and no one was going to stop him from taking what she wanted to give.
He set her down on top of the table and started kissing his way south. She flung her head back, baring her slender neck to his mouth.
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