The only exception to that rule is the athletic sock, which is a fluffy white cotton sock to be worn with an athletic shoe at the gym. Period. These socks should be shorter. You don’t want to look like a jackass with big tall tube socks up to your knees like Kristy McNichol in Little Darlings. It’s not 1979, people.
Socks and Underwear
Ronald McDonald, Mickey Mouse, or any character underwear. If there’s any chance that the character on your underwear is also on your seven-year-old nephew’s underwear, steer clear.
Banana hammocks
Flesh-colored socks
100 percent nylon socks
Toe socks
Women’s hosiery
Socks that make noise (e.g., play “Jingle Bells” or your college fight song) or light up. In fact, any sock that requires a battery should be avoided.
CHAPTER 3
The Devil Wears Pleated Khakis THE WIDE WORLD OF PANTS, SHORTS, AND SWIMWEAR
WE COULD TALK ABOUT PANTS ALL DAY LONG. BUT EITHER WAY, IT’Simportant that you know how to cover your ass . . . without making an ass of yourself. This chapter will get you through the trauma of finding pants, shorts, and swimwear.
In most work environments, it’s not just casual Friday anymore—it’s casual Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. If you’re not wearing a suit every day, regular pants are going to be the foundation of your wardrobe. That also means they’re not the place to get crazy. You can have fun with your shirts, throw on a tie or a sweater or a snappy sport coat. That’s all great. But when it comes to pants, it’s always better to keep it simple.
Before we go even one step further, we need to talk about pleats. I’m on a mission to eradicate pleated pants in America. Pleats are always the wrong answer, except for a few very specific exceptions that I’ll get to in a minute. I don’t care who you are—short, tall, big, or small—there’s never a reason for pleats, and even after seventeen gimlets, you won’t convince me otherwise.
I understand why you might think that pleats work best for you. Here’s why they don’t.
MYTH # 1 Wearing pleated pants will camouflage a spare tire. That is just not true. All pleats do is add extra fabric and bulk to your midsection, so they can actually increase the width around your middle. They don’t hide a spare tire, they just draw unwelcome attention to that area. News fuh-lash! You are not fooling anyone, big guy!
MYTH # 2 Pleats are roomier. Well, pleated pants are technically roomier, but that’s deceptive. Pleats create a little more roominess below the waist, which only encourages you to put too much stuff in your pockets and look even bulkier. Men in pleated pants look like they’re retaining water. Or they’re the Michelin Man. Not so much my favorite looks. Pleats also give more room for ugly lumps and bulges, and there’s only one bulge we want to see. And even then I don’t want to see your bulge. Let’s leave some mystique for the ladies, shall we?
The moral of the story is that a plain, flat-front pant will always look more sophisticated and cleaner than a pleated pant. Flat-fronts give a slimming effect—there’s not as much fabric clinging and pulling. Even if you’re a little overweight, it’s nicer to have a nice, simple flat-front plant. It’s smooth and won’t draw the eye to the problem area. Also, dark colors are doubly effective at making you look more svelte.
The only time pleats are acceptable (are you listening, people?) is when they’re part of an old Hollywood glamour kind of suit, by a designer like Ralph Lauren, Brooks Brothers, etc. The pleats tie into the heritage of the suit. Other than that, there’s just no reason for them. Ever.
Do not be fooled by the many pleated dress and casual pants you will find at even the best stores. They are there because people buy them, not because they look good. Please let’s stop the vicious cycle—don’t buy them. Thinking about the pleated pants situation makes me feel like the unhappy Indian chief in the anti-littering campaigns of the seventies, standing on a heap of garbage with one single, sad, glycerine tear running down his leathery sun-damaged cheek.
Okay, I’ve styled it out and I feel so much better now that that’s out in the open. Don’t you? Okay. Let’s move on to the other ways pants should—and shouldn’t—fit.
TIP
Fairy Godstylist Carson
When having your pants tailored, do not look down at the hem, the tailor, or your feet, as almost everyone is tempted to do. It will most certainly throw off your posture and foul up your alteration. Keep your eyes forward at all times.
Length
When we’re talking casual pants, I like to see little or no break, which means that the pants should cover the top of your shoe when standing. We should not see excess fabric pooling around the ankles, nor should there be an Urkel-esque overexposure of sock. This keeps pants looking neat and smart. If they’re really, really long and you’re dragging them on the ground, you’re just going to look dirty and schlubby and unkempt, and you’ll ruin your pants.
For dress pants, I also like very little break, but leave it up to your tailor. The hems should be slightly angled, so that the front of the pant is a smidge shorter than the back. You want the front to land just on or above your shoe, and you want the back of the hem to just touch the top of the heel of your shoe. That means your pants should cover the entire back of your shoe, except the heel.
Most good quality dress pants are going to have unfinished bottoms. I know that sounds naughty, but it just means you’ll have to have them hemmed. For dress pants, I like a nice clean hem with no cuff. Cuffs generally belong with pleated pants and we know how I feel about those—unless we’re talking about certain suit cuts. (See chapter five.) A non-cuffed dress pant is just a little cleaner, a little more modern, and I think a little more sophisticated. And do not, under any circumstances, let me catch any cuffs on the bottoms of your casual pants, or I’ll put you in handcuffs.
Waist
The waist of your pants should fit comfortably, not super tight or snug. You should be able to fit two fingers easily in the waistband.
It’s also important that your pants sit at the right level on your waist. If they don’t, you can’t have them tailored properly, especially if it’s a suit or a dress pant. Guys don’t know where to wear their pants. Some of them have them pulled up to the sky, and others have them so low they look like a “gangsta.”
More than any other pants, it’s essential that dress pants fit on your true waist or higher. This means that when you try them on, the waistband should fit above the hip bone, but not touching the belly button. Dress pants should not be low slung, low rise, low anything. Denim jeans should be worn low slung on the hip bone, but not so low we see your pubes.
A lot of guys think that the fit of pants ends with length and waist. Surprise! They also need to fit you in the rise and the seat.
Rise
Ther rise is the distance from the top button to your, um, “taint.” (You know—t’aint your ass and it t’aint your ... oh never mind.) Unless you’re truly gifted down there—and if you are, I applaud you—pants with an extra long rise will only make you look like you’re wearing Depends. I hate to see a guy with a really long rise, like when the pants are solid to his knees. Not a good look. But the converse of that is that your pants shouldn’t be like a cheap hotel—no ball room. Got it? Good.
TIP
Fairy Godstylist Carson
One of my general rules of shopping is that if you really want to know if it fits, unfortunately, you’ve got to try it on. But when it comes to the waist of your pants, there is a great shortcut I’ll allow. If you’re in a pinch, and you really don’t want to try on a pair of pants, take them by the waist and wrap them around your neck. If they fit around your neck, they’ll almost always fit your waist. Notice I said almost. Not foolproof, people.
Seat
The seat obviously refers to your tush, fanny, rump, or whatever cute pet name you choose to call it behind closed doors. The seat should fit so that you can tell you have a butt, yet stop short of being so tight tha
t the pants accentuate your butt crack. An important distinction, people.
Okay, so now your pants will fit you. But what kind of pants do you need? Everyone needs khakis, corduroys, and jeans in their closet, so let’s start there. Casual pants will be the bulk of your pants wardrobe.
CASUAL PANTS
Khaki: Friend or Foe?
Right now our great nation is in the midst of a raging khaki epidemic. Everyone and their brother thought that casual Friday meant they should go out and buy ninety pairs of Dockers. With all due respect to Dockers, guys need to mix it up a bit.
Sure, you should absolutely have some khakis, but make sure they’re not pleated. My friend Lauren Weisberger says the devil wears Prada; I think the devil wears pleated khakis. There’s nothing cleaner and crisper than a nice flat-front khaki pant, except maybe an extra dry Ketel One martini. Khakis should always fit lean and mean, never baggy or bulky.
It’s also important to remember that not all khaki is created equal. Most people don’t realize there’s a difference between fall and winter khaki and spring and summer khaki. Khaki for the colder seasons will come in a range of colors, from warm golden tones to browns, and will be a heavier weight. For spring and summer, your khakis should be lighter weight cotton twill, and will come in a softer color palette—bone, sand, and putty tones. Summer khakis can even be almost white. I know—crazy, isn’t it?
Corduroys
Corduroys are just a teensy bit dressier than khakis. Think of them as a cool alternative to jeans. Wear them for casual Fridays, with a sweater and an oxford shirt, or on a date, in place of denim. Much like denim, there are loads of different washes and finishes available. I recommend you have a pair of corduroys in a medium wale. I know that’s a scary word, but wale just refers to the actual width of the “cord” in the corduroy. A super skinny wale will look a little bit dated, and a super wide wale can tend to make you look fat. And because I know you’re going to ask: Yes, you can wear cords in summer.
Jeans, the American Dream
Jeans are an American icon, so we’re going to spend a lot of time on them. And anytime you say icon, you have to think: “classic”. There’s so much out there in denim for you to choose from, it can get almost overwhelming. But you really shouldn’t be getting mixed up with all that tricky novelty fashion denim. It’s only going to get you into a lot of trouble, so proceed with caution. Sure, it can be fun to try something a little different, like a pair of designer jeans with a fun wash or pocket treatment, but stuff like that comes and goes like gypsies in the night. By the time you get home with the new style, it’s already over. So why take the risk? Besides, we don’t want to overdo your metrosexualization. If you are a straight man, there is absolutely no reason for you to be spending $285 on a pair of designer jeans when you can get a pair of good old, traditional five-pocket, button-fly Levi’s 501s instead for around $50. For most guys that’s all you’re ever really going to need.
Personally, I’m a big Levi’s fan. Levi’s are the Mercedes-Benz of denim. They invented the stuff and they know what they’re doing. It’s the real deal. Why mess with that? But Levi’s don’t work on everyone. Not to worry. There are many, many denim brands on the market; you just need to find the one that fits you best. So take a morning and try on all different kinds of jeans and see what works for you. Get a second opinion from your salesperson, or bring a friend—someone who’ll tell you when you look fat, not phat. (You want to look phat, in case that wasn’t clear.)
I don’t want to get all Evita on you, dictating exactly what you should buy, but if you’re going to have only one pair of jeans, I think a good choice is a classic Levi’s 501 in the medium indigo wash. And then if you wear lots of denim, you can also have a dark wash pair, which tends to look a little dressier, and maybe a pair of white denim for summer. I don’t like any of those fancy washes, like the ones that make you look like you just sat in wet paint or like someone just sandblasted your ass. And black denim? Nuh-uh. Best left for fashion forward clergy and Shakira, unkay?
TIP
Fairy Godstylist Carson
Here’s a quick fix for one of life’s eternal dilemmas: the proper length of your jeans. If you’re a 31 waist and a 32 inseam, life is good. Just buy the size that you. But if you’re a litle bit chunkier, with a bigger waist and a shoter inseam, it can be hard to find jeans that fit you properly. I know it’s traumatizing, but sometimes jeans that are big enough to fit you in the waist don’t come in shorter lenghs, so you have to buy a pair that’s too long for you.
So then what do you do? The answer is not to cuff them, people; unless you want to look like a bad James Dean impersonator or Potsie from Happy Days. What you want to do is take your jeans to your friendly neighborhood tailor, have them cut to the proper lengh and then have the original bottom hem reattached. The bottom hem will have the original stitching, and will have wear and tear engineered into it. If you just hem the pants without putting the bottom hem back on, the bottoms of your jeans will look perfectly clean and unabraded. That’s a little too Leave It to Beaver
I also love vintage denim, which should always be in your wardrobe. You can spend thousands of dollars on it at a fancy vintage store, or you check out your local secondhand store. You can also buy new denim jeans that have been washed in certain enzymes and treated so that they’re broken in and feel like a comfortable pair you’ve had for a lifetime. Jeans should have personality.
In terms of fit, jeans are by nature a little less smart and correct than other types of pants. They don’t have to fit tightly like dress pants. I love when jeans look more relaxed, slouchy, and a little blown out.
Deciphering the Flasher
(the card on the back pocket of jeans that shows size, length, etc.)
Jeans are sometimes sized very randomly. So just because you’re one size in one brand, you’re not necessarily going to be the same size in another. Some manufacturers even add an inch or two to the waistband, just to make it even trickier. They say it’s a 30, but if you measure, it’s really more like a 32. It’s a marketing ploy to make you feel better. Then you buy the jeans because you say, “Oh my God! It’s a 30 and it fits! I’ll take ten pairs!” Nice try, world denim cartel!
Hopefully, in an ideal world, everybody’s waist size is smaller than the length. When you get to be a 38/31, it’s just a sad scenario, Humpty Dumpty. Buy the length closest to your real length. If that means you have to measure your inseam with a tape measure, that’s fine. Just do it. It’s fun working down there. Measure from the inside of the crotch, where the rise seam ends, to the bottom hem. And whatever you measure, that’s probably your size, because most denim is already preshrunk. All this “shrink to fit” stuff is crap. If they fit your body in the store, odds are they will fit correctly after washing.
The wash refers to the color and fade of the jeans, which can be anywhere from a really uniform, super dark midnight blue to a soft light blue with lots of streaks and variations. In order to achieve a lot of those looks, denim is often treated; it’s thrown in big industrial washing machines, either with special enzymes or pumice stones to break down the fabric and give it a softer, more lived-in patina. Or sometimes jeans are actually sandblasted. There’s a million and one processes used in denim, and that’s why it’s best to keep it simple. When in doubt, think, “What would Carson do?” The answer: You’re always better off with simple and classic.
Bootleg jeans were made for cowboys, and that’s why they’re cut the way they are. Bootlegs have very slim lines so they won’t bunch up in the saddle or cause lumps at the knees when riding. They will also have a slight flare to accommodate cowboy boots. Bootleg is also the one cut that’s pretty consistent from brand to brand. If it’s called bootleg, you can be pretty sure it’s going to be leaner through the seat and thighs, with a slightly flared bottom.
Relaxed or easy fit No two designers will call this the same thing, but I like to call it the “Oh my God, Becky! Her butt is so big” fit. The waist and
the length are still the same, but the space between them, the whole construction of the jean, is more generous in the seat, thigh,, and leg.
Straight leg No pun intended. These are not only for straight men, as you may have thought. It’s just a little bit of a leaner cut—there’s no flare like in a bootcut. They just basically cut a big square out for your leg. Straight-leg jeans work for just about everyone. I don’t ever want to see denim that’s pegged. That worked in the eighties, when you tight rolled the hem of your jeans and cuffed it three times to wear with your Coca-Cola ruby shirt, Reeboks and Swatch watch. It might still be all the rage in Uzbekistan, but not so much here anymore
Off the Cuff Page 4