“I’d heard about you even before your escape act, child. You’re quite famous. We listen to the match reports every month. And every month it’s your name they’re repeating over the airwaves.”
“I didn’t know you got their match reports,” Ryka breathes. There’s a combination of excitement and annoyance in his voice.
“I’m sure there are a lot of things that I know and you don’t, Ry,” Jack says. Ryka pulls a face and slouches back into his chair. He’s not showing the same reverence to Jack that Ella and James did just now, but the old man seems to expect it from him. “We like to keep abreast of the news in your city,” he says to me. “Frankly, we’ve been waiting for a rebellion to break out for a long time. Surprised it’s not happened by now, in fact.”
“Why? Why would there be a rebellion?” I ask.
“Do you think you’re the only one with a halo that doesn’t work? There are plenty of people, Falin and Therin, all over the Sanctuary that go about their daily lives, living and breathing and feeling. They’ve organised themselves into cells in some parts of the city, mainly the Narrows and the poorer areas. They’ve been waiting to strike. It’s only a matter of time.”
My jaw hangs slack. “I…I had no idea.” I could have gone to someone. Someone inside the city could have helped me. Wonderful news after everything I went through to get out.
“That’s a good thing,” Jack says. “Means the Sanctuary don’t either. We’ve been talking to people on the inside for years, trying to help them make a break for it. Things are beginning to ramp up.”
“So, you’re helping them?”
He gives me a cursory nod. “There’s only so much we can do, but we do it gladly.”
“And…you’re not going to turn me over to them?”
He stares into the fire, watching it pop and flare brightly against the relative darkness of the tent. Ryka’s eyes are on me but I don’t look at him. I’m too desperate for Jack to say something that will reassure me. Make me believe I am safe.
“We’ve never turned anyone away from Freetown. This place is a home to anyone who can live by its rules. I have to say, Kit, things are different here. Your life will be different, but that can be a good thing if you let it. Can you accept that?”
“Do you mean,” I look at Ryka, “I’m not supposed to fight?”
Jack nods. “You’re not allowed to fight. You can’t let your temper get the better of you. How long has it been since your halo came free?”
I think back, shocked by the short space of time it’s been. “Six days since it got ripped―” I hesitate. “Since it came off partially. Two days since it came free completely.”
“Then you’re still withdrawing. You’ve got a way to go before the drugs leave your system.”
All the air vanishes from my lungs, one long, painful sigh. “You mean I’m not feeling everything right now?”
“Not even close.”
I slump forward and hide my face in my hands. I’ve been waiting for this whole overwhelmed feeling to get better, but that’s not going to happen. It’s going to get worse.
“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, you know,” Jack says. I can’t see him with my face in my hands but his voice sounds like he’s got a frown on his face. I peek through my fingers, and he has. “No one would blame you if you wanted to go back to wearing it. It’s incredibly hard to come to terms with powerful emotions when you’ve never experienced them before. Especially if you’ve…done things that might make you feel bad.”
A shallow, surprised laugh slips out of me. “Let’s not skirt around the matter here,” I say. “You mean, especially if I’ve killed a whole bunch of people.”
Ryka makes a strangled noise, and I glimpse at him out of the corner of my eye. He looks morbidly fascinated by me, and there’s the tiniest hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. The light warms his hair to a honeyed gold, his skin a sun-kissed bronze. I want to shake that strange expression off his face with my bare hands.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I say.
“Sorry. I just thought―”
“Yeah, I know. You thought I was lying. I got that.” The weight of my halo resting unnaturally against the back of my neck feels like a forceful hand pushing me down. Half the time I’m comforted by it; the other half of the time I feel like it’s strangling me. I touch it through my shirt, feel the material whisper across its surface.
“We could fix it for you if that’s what you really want,” Jack says.
Ryka leaps out of his chair so quick that it wobbles dangerously. “What? Why on earth would she want that?”
“Calm down. You don’t have a clue what she’s going through. It could be what she wants. Maybe she doesn’t want to deal with any of the things she’s going to feel. It’s certainly not gonna make her happy, now, is it?”
“How do we know what she’s going to feel? She could be happy. She could feel―”
“Guilty,” I say, staring into the fire. The flames have leapt from the pit and are burning in my mind. In my heart. I blink to take away the strange pricking in the corners of my eyes.
Jack and Ryka stop talking and stare at me. I feel both their eyes boring into the side of my face, but I’m not ready to look at either of them.
“I want it off,” I whisper, clenching my fingers around the halo through my thin shirt. Claustrophobia floods through me; I want it off right now and I feel like I’ll scream if I have to wait one more moment.
“Good,” Jack says quietly. I don’t notice when he rises from his chair. I only feel his hand on mine, and I realise I’ve been pulling at the metal band really hard. The back of my neck burns from the release of pressure when I stop.
“We can’t do anything about it now, sweetheart. In the morning, though. August will be able to take care of you in the morning.”
“Okay.” I ball my fists up and rub my eyes, which are itchy from the smoke and the way that I feel.
“Ryka will show you where you can sleep. We’ll set up a tent for you soon, all right? Get some rest. Tomorrow will be a big day.”
I don’t say another word as we leave the tent. Jack trails behind us and squeezes my shoulder by way of a goodbye.
“I’ll see you at home,” Jack says to Ryka, and then he goes back inside.
OLIVIA
I wake up with sunlight shining on my face, warming my hair. The tent Ryka showed me to sits beside the river, and from my low metal cot I can hear water splashing and women singing. It’s beautiful. Calming.
After finding some food for me last night, Ryka led me here, explaining that it was a shared tent for people travelling through. He left, saying he’d come by in the morning at some point to take me to August. Now morning is here and my bones don’t feel as weak as they did when I was sleeping on the forest floor. I’m grateful for that, but my resolve is nowhere near as strong as it was yesterday. I keep having to remind myself why I’m doing this. Why I left my family; why I nearly killed myself escaping; why I want to have the halo removed.
Cai.
He died so I could do all of those things.
I sit up stiffly in the bed and shuffle forward so I can reach my pants. The holostick is still where I left it, in the back pocket. I grab it and fling myself back under the covers, blocking out the sound of people getting ready for the day beyond the tent.
For a moment I just sit there, pressing the device to my lips. There’s no question that I should watch it. I’m just having trouble finding the strength. Plus there’s still the small problem of the encryption code keeping it locked. If I am right, though, that might not remain a problem for long. I stare down at the four silver buttons: play, stop, forward and back. A combination of those four buttons unlocks the secrets held inside that Cai recorded. I think back to our days of training and I can hear his voice in my head, always saying the same thing. Defence is sometimes the best form of attack, Falin Kitsch. First we defend, we defend again, we block…and then, when o
ur opponent least expects us to, that is when we attack. Defend, defend, parry, attack. I’ve been thinking it for a while now and the riddle seems pretty clear. With timid fingers I hit the stop button twice. I follow that up with the back button, and then I hesitate. This could be wrong. I could be wrong. If I am, then I’m risking the potential that the device will shut down forever. Cai could have put all kinds of safety measures in place to prevent his secrets from falling into the wrong hands. I only have a second to make up my mind. My index finger hits the play button and I hold my breath, torn by two drastically opposing forces—the desire to see my friend’s face again, and panic over what he will say if I do.
I don’t get chance to worry for long. A blue light flashes on top of the holostick and it whirs into life, vibrating in the palm of my hand. Usually new holosticks compress images and the recording comes out small, a fist sized representation of whoever makes the recording. Since this piece of technology looks like it’s older than I am, I should be unsurprised when Cai’s form leaps into existence, not fist-sized, but full-sized. I am not unsurprised, though; I’m freaked out. I squeal, throwing back the covers on my cot as a larger-than-life Cai is projected from the stick.
“I’m feeling pretty proud right now, Kit,” he says, his eyes angled just right so that somehow he’s looking right at me. I gasp and fling the holostick from my hand, breaking the connection that makes it play. Cai’s wavering, semi-transparent form vanishes in a split second, leaving me panting and tangled up in my bed sheets.
How? How did he know I would watch this? How is the first thing he says directed right at me? My heart is pounding and it feels like I can’t breathe right. I struggle with the frantic urge to curl up into a small ball, knowing that if I do I will fall apart into a million pieces and I will never be able to put myself back together again. Instead I take a deep breath and collect up the stick, blinking at the small screen on the side that is now illuminated. 29 Stored Files. Continue File 1? blinks back at me. I pull myself upright, preparing myself this time. When I hit play and Cai reappears, I’m ready. Kind of. He smiles a little before he begins speaking and my throat throbs, like I’ve just swallowed one of my own knives. How can this hurt so very, very much?
“I’m feeling pretty proud right now, Kit,” he tells me again. All six foot three of him is standing right in front of me, uneven nose, hands stuffed in pockets, dark hair tumbling into his face, the works. If it weren’t for the fact that I can see right through him, I’d be sure I could reach out and touch him.
“We won’t do the whole, sorry I can’t be with you bit. That’s overplayed, and besides…wherever you are, if you’re watching this and I’m not with you, then that means I did something stupid to get you out. I’m sorry if that’s the case. The plan right now,” he says, smiling, “is to do something stupid to get us both out. So…”
My eyes are burning like I’ve been hit with a dose of the pepper spray the Sanctuary guards carry on their belts. I knew it was going to be bad, but this? It’s destroying me. My breathing just won’t come out straight, feels like I’m fighting to hold back this overwhelming urge to scream and cry at the same time. I am powerless and fragile as Cai continues.
“…I guess you want to know what’s been going on? Maybe Penny or Opa have already told you. I’ll just start from the beginning anyway, in case you’re coming into this blind. I guess… I guess I should tell you that all this is happening because my halo stopped working. I don’t know why.” He pulls his scruffy shirt down at the front to reveal the slim band of silver metal encircling his throat. “It’s still stuck here. Can’t seem to get the damn thing off. Still…Opa says it’s good camouflage.”
A flicker passes over his face, and Cai’s shoulders tense. “I have to go now. You’re here to train, and we can’t have you talking to you, now, can we?” He shrugs his shoulders and he reaches out, like he’s going to switch off the recorder on the stick. For a second he pauses. “Just know, Kit. After seventeen years, I’m finally awake. And I’m going to find a way to wake you up, too.”
Cai’s figure disappears and the holostick in my hand buzzes impatiently, flashing Play File 2? My stomach lurches at the prospect, making me feel even worse than I did back out in the forest. Ten minutes ago I wouldn’t have thought that possible.
And I’m going to find a way to wake you up, too.
He really did find a way. It involved him stabbing himself in the chest with his own knife, while my hands were locked around the handle. Why did he have to be so stupid? Seeing his face, hearing his voice has done nothing to make me feel better. If anything my pain is amplified, because now I want to feel his hand in mine and the urge is desperate, overriding everything else. I have no idea who this Opa person is, either, and the added mystery of that makes me strangely anxious.
I hold my finger down on the off button until the little screen goes blank and then I put it away, hyperventilating. I’ve watched one file. One file and I’m already freaking out. This is going to be hard, and it’s going to get harder every day. I’m going to keep feeling more and more, which means the guilt and pain in my chest are going to keep growing. But isn’t this what I deserve for getting to live when Cai didn’t?
I drag myself off the bed, feeling hideous for cowering back here like a child. Cai got up and faced every single day, glad of the fact that he could be normal, even though he couldn’t show it. He made the best of his situation and started planning his life. A life he gave up for me. How ungrateful am I that I’m stuck in here hiding from the world? Shame eventually gets the better of me.
When I go outside, the sunlight is so bright I have to squint to see. There are four women standing on the banks of the river and, worryingly, they are completely buck-naked.
“Hey!” a young blonde girl calls when she notices me. “Hey! Come over here.” I really don’t want to go over there. The last thing in the world I want to do is go over there. I’m still spinning out from being confronted with Cai’s smiling face. Besides, they’re naked, and I’ve never even seen myself naked before. Not properly, anyway. The girl starts walking towards me, smiling, her thick wavy hair swaying with each step, and I realise that if she comes any closer, the tent won’t block her from view and the whole town will get a show. Unwillingly, I step forward. I haven’t put my boots on yet, so when I place my foot onto the steep slope down towards the water, mud squeezes up like toothpaste between my toes.
“Hey,” the blonde girl says breezily. “You came in last night, didn’t you? You’re from Lockdown?” She leans forward and gives me a kiss on the cheek before I can flap my arms and reach for a knife or swat her away. She’s smiling too broadly to have noticed the look of abject horror on my face.
“Yeah, I―I did. I am.”
“I’m Olivia,” she says, grinning. She turns and points at the other girls. “That’s Aura and Melody. Hey, where did Simone go?” The girl with shoulder-length ginger hair and bright green eyes, Aura, shrugs, laughing lightly. She has freckles. Everywhere.
“She got embarrassed!” she giggles.
I can understand Simone’s discomfort. Melody is blonde too, only more burned honey than Olivia’s bright, sunshine hair―a strangely familiar hue of gold. “She’s not from around here,” Melody says. “People are a little more uptight where she was raised.”
“I can relate,” I say.
They seem to find this hilarious and start laughing so hard Aura’s pale skin flushes red. I smirk, but I’m too ill at ease to join them.
“Are you gonna wash up?” Olivia asks.
“That’s what you’re doing? In the river?”
She nods.
“Don’t people drink from here?”
All three of them burst out laughing again. “We draw our water by the bridge,” Aura explains. “Everything further down is fine for swimming and washing.”
“Oh. Ah. I don’t think so.” There’s no way I’m taking my clothes off around a bunch of women.
Olivia wrinkles her no
se. “I’m not being funny, but you really should.”
It takes a second for me to realise what she means. I’m filthy. The past few days I’ve been running, swept through a dirty river, fought like a hell cat, rolled around on a forest floor—a lot―and been sleeping in my clothes. I must stink. And I dread to think what’s happening on top of my head. I could definitely use a wash.
“Come on.” Olivia takes my hand. “I’ll wash your hair for you if you like. Just let me get dressed.” Every muscle in my body relaxes when she says this. I think she can tell because she sets off laughing and the others join her again.
They disappear off up the bank together, leaving me behind. Soap and a folded washcloth have been left on a sun-warmed rock down by the river―kinda looks like they’ve been expecting me. I duck down quickly and strip to my underwear. It takes five minutes to wade out knee deep into the river, scrub my body with the coarse, flat piece of soap, and rinse off. My skin’s burning by the time I tiptoe back to the rock and pat myself down. My combat gear is so dirty it can almost stand up by itself. I’m glaring at it, trying to work out whether I should put it back on, when Olivia appears over the embankment. She’s wearing a jade dress that falls to her knees with small bells dangling from the hem. They jangle as she makes her way down to me, mixing in with her giggles. I do my best to fight the urge to run and hide behind the rock.
She carries a stack of folded clothes in her hand. “Here,” she says, offering them out to me. I try and act casual as I take them. I pray it’s not a dress. Anything but a dress.
“They’re some of my old clothes. I’ve never worn them. I wanted to give you something pretty but my brother said you’d probably want trousers.”
Her brother said I’d probably want trousers? Fantastic. I narrow my eyes at her. “You’re Ryka’s sister?”
Olivia lets out a deep sigh. “Unfortunately. Come on. Get dressed so I can wash your hair.”
I see the familial resemblances now. Their hair is the same colour and her eyes are a deep chocolate, just like his. They’re both incredibly bossy as well, although when Olivia tells me to do something, it doesn’t sound like she’ll clobber me if I don’t comply. I immediately like this about her.
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