“You haven’t messed anything up,” he says quietly.
“Really? Cai died so I could feel, so I could escape the Sanctuary and be free of the Colosseum. And where am I now? I’ve landed myself in the pit, fighting again, except this time I’m awake and I know exactly how horrifying it all is. I’d say that’s pretty much the stupidest thing I could have done with the gift he gave me.”
Ryka doesn’t say anything for a while. He tilts his head as he stares down at his boots and I can’t help but focus on the tensed muscles in his shoulders and his neck. The teenager in him seems to be burning off faster and faster every day. He takes a deep breath and finally looks up at me. There’s a smile on his face, but his eyes are desperately sad. “So your heart’s not broken over a dead guy. That must mean you’re head over heels in love with me by now, then, right?”
I laugh, because that’s what he needs me to do, although I sense a hint of seriousness in his question. A hint I laugh off nervously. “I’m afraid I probably wouldn’t realise it even if I was in love with someone,” I tell him quietly. “I have no point of reference to go off.”
“Oh, you’ll know when the time comes, Kit.” Ryka’s voice is soft and gentle, so intense. His eyes scour every part of my face and it’s the most invasive thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m addicted to how confronting he can feel. Like he’s daring me to look away, but he and I both know that I won’t.
“How will I know?” I murmur.
Ryka stops studying the features of my face and locks his gaze with mine. His eyes are piercing when he leans forward and closes the gap between us. “You’ll feel breathless,” he whispers. Typical that I can’t find any oxygen as he says this. He takes my hand and slowly places it on his chest, tracing his fingers carefully over mine. “Your heart will race whenever you’re around the other person. It’ll burn and feel like it’s trying to swell out of your chest. You’ll feel like you’re brimming over with how much you want to take care of them. Protect them from anyone and anything. Like there’s nothing in this world you wouldn’t do to keep them safe.” Ryka leans closer so that his lips are mere centimetres away from mine. “You’ll spend all day every day imagining ways to make them smile. Imagining what their lips feel like on yours. Imagining ways to make them agree to fall as stupidly and painfully in love with you as you have with them.”
His voice catches and I can feel his heart thundering underneath my hand. I’m glad he can’t feel how mine is matching his beat for beat. I swallow and try to tear my eyes from his but I can’t. I feel everything he just described, but I’m too cowardly to ever admit it. I do the next best thing and take the final step, until there’s no space left between us. My chest presses against his, my hand trapped in between our bodies, and Ryka seems to hum.
“You’ll know, Kit,” he breathes, and then he reaches up and cups the back of my neck, pressing his lips to mine. Our second kiss is just as powerful as our first, and I end up curving into him as he holds onto me tight. I’m limp and weak when he finally lets me go.
“It’s almost time to leave,” he says, clearing his throat. “There’s no point in trying to talk you out of this, is there?”
“No.”
“Didn’t think so.” He gazes straight through the tough canvas of my tent wall as though he can see the trees and the river on the other side. “Are you worried?” he asks me. “About the river?” That’s what Jack and the others decided―that we should go back the way I came, through the tunnel. I haven’t been thinking about it.
“Not really,” I lie.
“Will you let me help you this time?” He looks solemn enough that I know he’s not trying to be a hero. I let the fixed smile fall from my face and nod slowly.
“That… would be good.”
He nods too, apparently satisfied, and collects my hand from his chest, linking his fingers with mine. Even after the last time we held hands when we walked to the Tamji beach, this contains a whole new level of gentleness I wouldn’t have thought Ryka capable of. He watches me studying him; I’m intrigued by the way his skin looks so tanned next to my paleness.
“You have a lot of scars,” he whispers.
I hadn’t even thought about that. I do have a lot of scars. When in the business of knife fighting, you end up with more than you can count. “Yeah, I’m…I’m sorry,” I mumble, trying to pull my hand back. I must look like a freak to him.
He lets out a half-hearted laugh. “What are you sorry for?”
“I don’t know. Girls here, they’re different than me. They wear dresses. They have flowers in their hair, the whole music when they walk bit.”
“You don’t make any noise when you walk, Kit.”
“I know. I’m never going to be like them,” I say.
He analyses my face and draws my hand up to his mouth, gingerly pressing his lips against each one of my imperfect knuckles. “I don’t want you to be like them. You are who you are. There’s no hidden agendas, no games.”
I feel my breath catch in my chest as I breathe out. I have no idea how to describe this feeling inside me, but it’s a long way from ‘Ick’. It’s about as far away from ‘Ick’ as I can get. I swallow as he kisses my hand again.
“Ryka.”
“Just tell me if you’re going to put it back on, okay? Tell me so I can prepare. I couldn’t bear running into you without any warning if you decided to wear it again.”
I have no clue what he’s talking about for a second. When I realise, my throat closes up at how earnest he sounds. “I’m not going to wear it again,” I whisper.
He drops his head and closes his eyes. “Please. Promise me,” he says.
My heart pounding again, I do it. “I promise.”
“Thank you,” he murmurs. “I made you a promise, too. I’m going to keep it.”
It’s not just how kissing you feels. It would get so much better than that, I promise you.
Suddenly I don’t want the halo anywhere near me. I don’t want to be able to renege on the vow I just made. I push away from Ryka and rifle through my bag until I find what I’m looking for. Clasping onto the halo, I take hold of Ryka’s hand in my free one and pull him out of the tent. “Where are we going?” he says, half laughing. “We have to get moving if we’re going to be at the boundary fence by nightfall.”
“This won’t take a second.” I guide him down a path that is much easier to see in daylight, and we end up back at the place where he let me in on his secret. Outside the rear of his tent, I gesture for him to jump down the drop like last time, but this time I don’t follow. He smiles up at me, his hair falling loose from his small ponytail.
“I thought you weren’t like other girls,” he laughs.
“I thought just this once, maybe―” I don’t need to say anything else. He takes hold of my waist in firm hands and lifts me carefully down to the pebbly shoreline of the river. This would be the perfect moment to kiss again, but I’m suddenly shy and I duck away from him, biting my lip. “Here,” I say, holding out the halo to him. He looks down at it and then shakes his head.
“No. It has to be you.”
He’s right, of course, but I still shake when I pace up to the fast-running water. Can I do this? Can I cast my security net away and never have it back? It’s one thing deciding not to wear it, but it’s been under my bed this whole time, a back-up just in case. I run my fingers along the metal, knowing its every dint and scratch. Ryka comes and stands right behind me, so close I can feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. For the first time I’m glad my hair is short. When his hands find my hips and he leans into my neck, I know I am in for some major trouble. Electricity fires through me as his lips whisper against my skin. “You don’t have to do this, you know. If you’re not ready.”
But I am ready. I don’t need the halo now. I’m going to try and let Ryka be my safety net, which is as terrifying a thought as it is wonderful. I swing back and fling the collar through the air with as much force as I can muster. The two of us
watch from the bank as it loses its fight with gravity and begins to fall, barely splashing at all as it lands in the deepest part of the river.
“You know I’m not diving for that, right?” he says into my ear.
I nod my head, enjoying his proximity. “I don’t want you to.”
“You two paint a pretty picture,” a sharp voice says from behind us. Ryka stiffens, and I place my hands over his, stacked on my stomach. I don’t want him to turn around, but in the end we have to.
James’ grin looks particularly wide as he leans against a tree trunk, kicking his boots at the earth. “Sorry to ruin the moment, lovers, but we need to leave. There’ll be plenty of time for that when we get back.” He laughs a little too hard, and I have to fight back the urge to bound up the riverbank and smack him right in his smug face. From the tension in Ryka’s shoulders, he feels the same way. We follow James back through the copse of trees to my tent without a word. From there, we meet up with Callum, Max, and another boy I don’t know. He is introduced as Raff, and turns out to be the twins’ cousin. He does have their dark colouring, but his eyes are a startling green and he’s a clear foot taller than either of them. Jack comes out to see us off, and he does his best to hide his smile when he sees my hand interlinked with Ryka’s.
“Good luck to you,” he says. I get the feeling it’s not just our trip to the Sanctuary that he’s wishing us well for.
******
The trek back to the aqueduct takes eight hours. Eight hours of running that nearly kills me, with my arm throbbing fiercely and my stomach threatening to purge everything in it. My lack of exercise over the past few weeks apparently hasn’t done me any favours. We arrive at the same spot where I crossed through originally, and everything is much the same. Maybe this is its normal state: white water rushing the brickwork in a fierce torrent; foreboding, slick, black water.
“Bad memories,” Ryka mutters. “You realise your lips were blue when you climbed out of here last time. Freaked me out.”
“You’re not helping,” I tell him, shooting him a nervous glance. He really isn’t. My panic levels are at an all-time high. I inch back from the bank and slump down, not wanting to think about the river or drowning or turning blue. There’ll be time for that soon enough. Ryka says something about freshening up and disappears into the forest. James and the other boys pore over the map Ella drew for them based on my detailed descriptions of the Sanctuary. I don’t need to look at a map to recall the streets of my childhood; they’re all stored in clinical little boxes inside my head, unsullied in comparison to how my Freetown memories have been jammed away. Probably has a lot to do with the emotions tied to each and every moment I’ve spent there, when I didn’t feel a thing in the Sanctuary. Not really.
I flop onto my back and rest my hands on my stomach. There are stars visible through the canopy of the trees, distant pinpricks of light that have never caused me to so much as give them a second glance. Now I find myself wondering what else is up there amongst the deepening bruised blue of the approaching night.
“Mind if I join you?” Max interrupts my thoughts of space and the universe and all the things I don’t understand. I’m grateful; my world seems to get bigger and bigger every day and I’m in danger of being overwhelmed. Things were easier when it was just the Colosseum and the Sanctuary’s boundary walls. I prop myself up a little as Max joins me, brushing his hair back out of his face. He looks different, although his smile is still mischievous. Maybe it’s just the way he tucks his hands into his pockets as he sits down beside me that makes him seem more reserved.
“Do you think we’re going to be able to sneak these people out?” he asks.
“I can’t say. Maybe. If everything goes according to plan.”
Max nods. “Tomorrow night, James says there’s a match?”
“Yup. We’re meeting the cell leaders there. Jack organised it with Opa apparently. It’ll be less conspicuous if we all make a break for it while everyone is walking home. With that many people on the streets, no one will notice such a big group together.”
Max nods. “Makes sense. Aren’t there going to be technicians everywhere, though?”
“Probably. We just have to do our best to stay out of sight.”
“How do we do that?”
I think about this long and hard. “Act indifferent to absolutely everything and everyone.”
“So pretend to be dead inside?”
This is a startling statement, but it’s true. I don’t say anything. Max falls quiet, picking at his bootlaces. “Have you, uh―”
“What?”
He grimaces, but then says, “Have you been up to the Keep at all?”
A hot flush runs through my body. “No, I haven’t. I was sick and then―” I trail off, trying to find a way to word why I haven’t been up there trying to find Olivia. Max does it for me.
“There didn’t seem any point?”
I nod. “She made her choice. She wanted us to respect it. I can’t seem to forgive her for leaving, though.”
“You can’t?” he snorts. “I’ve always known what she intended to do, but it seemed so far away on the horizon. And then all of a sudden she’s come of age and they’re accepting her. And I’m―”
“Marrying Simone?”
His head tips up and down robotically. I clear my throat and give up on lying down altogether. “Why did you do it, Max? I know you love her. So why did you Claim someone else?”
It takes a long time for Max to respond. He just sits there, very still, staring at my boots like they hold the answers to all his problems. “I guess―” he swallows and blinks for the first time in minutes. “I guess I wanted to make her see what was happening. I thought if it was a reality—that she was going away and I was going to be with someone else—she would realise she was making a mistake. I didn’t even think Simone would say yes. I didn’t ask her. Didn’t even tell her what I was going to do. When she accepted, I panicked. She’s a sweet girl, but she’s not Livvy. Now I feel like a bastard because she’s expecting all this stuff from me and I’m just...”
“Lost.” We’re getting good at finishing each other’s sentences. Max sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “If you go up there, can you, I don’t know, can you tell her I’m sorry? I shouldn’t have taken it that far. I just thought, even up until the very last second, that she was gonna change her mind. She just stood there and smiled at me. She was crying her eyes out, but she didn’t do anything. Just smiled.”
I think Max is seconds away from crying himself, and I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to do if that happens. I’m praying to all three of Olivia’s Gods that it doesn’t. “I will if I can figure out which one is her,” I tell him. “Olivia did make me promise I would go. Maybe when we get back―”
“You’re not going up there, Kit.” I nearly jump out of my skin when Ryka emerges out of the shadows behind Max. His hair is wet and pulled back into a fresh ponytail. “I don’t want you anywhere near the High Priestess. She’s dangerous.”
“Dangerous?” I can’t help but laugh a little. “She’s ancient, Ry. I reckon I could take her.”
Max’s cheeks go bright red. “You shouldn’t speak like that,” he says quietly.
“What, you believe in the Gods?”
“Not really, but people have seen things. She’s not normal. Best you just don’t say anything about the priestesses, even out here.”
“I don’t get it.”
Ryka inhales a deep breath and flares his nostrils. “Just trust me, okay? Max is right. She’s not normal, and she’s definitely not safe for you to be around.”
It’s obvious from the looks on their faces that they’re not telling me something. “Why, exactly?”
Ryka cracks his knuckles. “Because she’s never shown anyone her true face before, Kit. Never, not once in the forty years she’s been the High Priestess.”
“Is that a big deal?”
Max answers. “They say that if you look upon
a priestess’ face, even by accident, then you’re cursed. And you looked upon the High Priestess’ face. That’s got to be, like, the mother of all curses.”
I flinch, recalling the way everyone at the pit looked away when the High Priestess threw her ceramic mask on the floor. Those women had closed their eyes. Had been crying. I let my head rock back and groan. “Fantastic. I’m cursed now, too.”
“Don’t believe in that crap. Jeez, what’s wrong with you?” Ryka hisses at Max. He sits next to me just as James ambles over.
“It’s dark enough,” he says. It’s true that the day dimmed quickly, and now all I can see of the solid fighter is the outline of his body and the sharp flash of his eyes. “Kit, you first.”
“I’ll go through with her,” Ryka says, getting to his feet. He helps me up, and James doesn’t say anything, but I know he’s watching us. I don’t care about James. The water is all that matters. It looks like thick black tar with the light all gone, and the fact that the surface is flat doesn’t do much to cheer me. It makes it seem more sinister, like it’s the pure embodiment of evil. Not a good thought when I’m about to submerge my body in it.
“This is going to be cold,” Ryka says softly. He drops his bag a second and pulls out his shirt. He slips it on, watching me the whole time. “It’s going to be hard to get through the tunnel without using my arms. We’re going against the current, okay, so it’ll be a fight to make progress. Hold onto the back of my shirt. If you lose grip, don’t panic. I’ll find you straight away.”
I eye him nervously, trying to keep my heart rate from accelerating out of control. “Anything else?”
“Yeah,” he grins. “Kick like hell, Kit.”
I laugh somehow. Nervous, I’m shaking as we step into the water. He was right; it is damned cold. I suck in a sharp breath as the water swirls over the tops of my boots and floods them, instantly freezing me to my core. My shoulders tense, but Ryka’s hand on my arm is warm and reassuring. He gives me a small nod and then we both step forward. The water, deep and terrifying, swallows us whole.
Halo (Blood and Fire Series (A Young Adult Dystopian Series)) Page 27