by J. L. Berg
Well, so much for not doing anything stupid.
~Clare~
What the hell was that? I thought I was crazy, but I think I may have found my date to the crazy dance. I was pretty sure that wasn’t normal. Most doctors didn’t kneel, vowing everything was gonna be okey-dokey. Because if so, I’m pretty sure malpractice suits would be through the roof.
We had just been wheeled back into the room after the CT and I was quietly sitting beside Maddie, watching her sleep. It had gotten late, and I swear we’d been here for three days, even though it’d only been four hours. Nothing in a hospital ever moved fast. My thoughts drifted back to Dr. Matthews and his odd exit from the exam room.
When he grabbed my hand and asked if I was all right rather than stare at me and call in the people with the straitjackets, I felt something. Something I thought I’d never feel again. I’d loved Ethan with my entire being. We’d met when I’d just started college, and he was my first love. When you have the type of love Ethan and I did, you don’t expect to ever be lucky enough to find it again. It’s not that I was determined to die alone, but I just figured that’s how it would be. Men and women spend their entire lives looking for “the one.” I’d found him and I’d been lucky enough to have eight wonderful years with him. I had my time and that was it. But when I looked up into that man’s eyes as he was holding my hand, I felt something in me stir...something I’d thought was long since gone. I thought he’d felt it too.
And then he snapped his hand back and tried to brush it off like it never happened. It was like a slap in the face. I reminded myself that lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice. Ethan was gone, and so was my one true love, at the age of twenty-seven. No man could ever compare to that. That’s what I’d thought until he’d spun around, swearing everything would be okay. I didn’t know what to make of that, but it made my heart quicken just thinking about it. It was like he was trying to erase the virtual bitch slap he’d given me and tell me he’d felt it too. Or I could be seeing a connection that wasn’t there. He could just be crazy and I’d just won my very own psycho bodyguard.
A quiet knock brought me out of my thoughts, and Leah appeared in the doorway.
“Hey sweetie, how’s my girl?” she whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed as she leaned over to check on a sleeping Maddie. I was a little nervous about her falling asleep, but Theresa said it was fine. They would wake her up in an hour to check on her. Honestly, I was a little envious. I wouldn't mind crawling on that bed with her and taking a nap.
“She’s better, been sleeping for about fifteen minutes. Dr. Mathews said it was just a concussion, but she just came back from doing a CT just in case. And before you ask, I’m fine,” I said, seeing her eyes already widening when I mentioned the CT. Sometimes, I think she knows me better than I know myself.
“Are you sure? You know it’s not the same thing, right? She’s not Ethan.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve told myself about a hundred times since he ordered the test.”
“You got Dr. Matthews? Damn, you lucked out! He’s fine, like I want to lick every inch of his body fine,” she laughed, making an obvious change in conversation.
I rolled my eyes. “Leah! I obviously didn’t notice. He’s my daughter’s doctor, I wasn’t exactly checking him out...much,” I smirked.
“I knew it. Slut.”
“Whore,” I countered back.
“Anyway,” she laughed, “You do know who he is right, like who his father is?”
I shook my head. “Nope. Although the name sounds familiar, I don’t pay much attention to the news anymore. Four-year-olds don’t get overly excited about current events or celebrity gossip.”
“Right, sometimes I forget you don’t live in the real world anymore. How is Dora these days?” she taunted. Leah loved heckling me about horrid cartoon characters. She knew Dora was on my top five most hated cartoon character list.
“Just as goddamn annoying as she was the last time you asked, jerk. I hate that stupid show,” I snapped, which sent her into a fit of silent laughter.
She pulled herself together and said, “Anyway, Logan Matthews is the only son to Mitchell Matthews, the founder of Matthews Associates, which is like the richest hedge fund company in the world.”
Of course I knew that, everyone knew that. Mitchell Matthews was known for taking his family fortune and turning it into billions on the stock market. He was a genius. Every business major in the world knew his name and studied his business’s history.
“He’s that Logan Matthews? What the hell is he doing in Richmond?” Shouldn’t he be in New York or Paris? I might be, given the option.
“No one knows. A couple years ago, he was living in New York and married. He worked at NY Presbyterian in the Trauma Center and was gaining some serious cred in his field. He’s a freaking Harvard and Yale grad. Anyway, big scandal breaks out all over the news. His wife cheated on him, and he disappeared. A few months later, he shows up here in the ER. He’s been here ever since.”
“Wow, she cheated on him?” I couldn’t imagine the heartbreak.
“I know, right? Who would cheat on that? I mean, seriously. I’ve only ever seen him in scrubs and that’s enough to make me want to go home and spend some quality time with my vibrator.”
“Really, Leah? Maddie’s like right there,” I reminded her, pointing a finger at my sleeping child.
“She’s asleep, and I know my goddaughter. She could sleep through an alien invasion.”
She was probably not wrong about that. Maddie slept like the dead.
“So, he came here to hide?” I asked.
“Well, he hasn’t exactly been hiding. No one really knows why he moved here, but according to the papers, he’s quite the player and makes no effort to cover up the fact.”
Well, I guess the crazy theory still stands. No player would want to touch this hot mess. A single mom, and widow to boot. Yeah, I was a huge bag full of fun.
“Hmm, interesting,” I said.
“So, before you leave you should ask him out!” Leah said, out of nowhere.
“Um, I’m sorry...what?”
“Ask. Him. Out,” she reiterated.
“Why? Didn’t you just say he was a player?” I was confused.
“Exactly. That’s just what you need. A hot doctor with no strings. It’s just the right thing to get the chains re-oiled and gears working right.”
“Did you just use a bike analogy for my girlie parts?” I don’t know why I’m surprised anymore.
“Yep, sure did. So what’s your deal? Is he not hot enough?” she asked.
Oh lord. She wasn’t going to let this go.
~Logan~
I had just returned to the ER wing after going over Maddie's CT with the radiologist on call. Everything looked normal, as I had expected. I’d even had the radiologist double check, keeping my promise to Clare, and helping my nerves settle. I had to be sure before I entered that room. I had no idea why I felt the way I did. I'd never felt anything so strong for a patient or her family. Being a doctor, I always wanted to heal and protect, it was in my nature. Why else would I be working these shitty hours and surviving on so little sleep? But this went beyond normalcy. I had felt something with that woman and her little girl the instant I walked in the exam room. After spending the last three years avoiding most situations that had anything to do with emotions, it frightened me. It was exactly why I was going to make sure Maddie was safe, and then send them home. Away from me and my poisonous existence.
Having been warned at the nurse’s station that Maddie was sleeping, I knocked gently at the door and quietly let myself in. Apparently my knock went unheard because as I stepped in I noticed Clare, sitting in the same seat I’d left her in, speaking with a blonde nurse from L&D. Their heads were huddled together, and slightly turned away, with their voices reduced to a low hush.
"Jesus, Leah. Just because I haven't had sex in over three years doesn't mean I'm dead. Yes, I’ll admit, he's goddamn g
orgeous. He's like the Ian Somerhalder of doctors...he's --- oh shit," Clare halted mid-sentence, and her eyes widened in surprise as she spotted me in the doorway. She looked like she'd just been caught with a joint in the school bathroom. Oh fuck, was she talking about me? From the shade of red her face was turning, I’d say yes.
I tried to hide my widening grin and cleared my throat...trying to remember what I was going to say.
"Ah, sorry for the um, interruption?”
Don’t grin, jackass.
“I was coming in to give you the test results from Maddie's CT," I continued as professionally as I could muster.
"Right. Um, yes. Was everything okay? I mean, she's all right? You didn't find anything?" she blabbered, eyes going wild like she expected bad news.
Her hand reached out for the blonde nurse. I took a step forward because I was sorry I had scared her, but stopped myself. She’s not mine to protect. She was the mother of a patient. I needed to get my shit together and let this go.
"No, the radiologist didn't find anything. I had him look it over twice to be sure. She is perfectly fine. Just a concussion. I'll have some discharge instructions typed up, the nurse will go over them and then you can get out of here. Sound good?"
Clare let out an audible breath and looked relieved. She released her friend’s hand to reach out to her daughter, who’d just awoken. She took her daughter’s tiny hand in her own and smiled before looking up at me.
"Yes, thank you. We would love to go home."
I locked eyes with Clare one more time, trying to memorize the emerald color that shined through them. It’s true, a man could get lost in those eyes forever, but it wasn’t going to be me.
Chapter Three
~Clare~
"So much for sleeping tonight," I said to no one as I set the alarm clock next to the bed for one hour in the future. Our discharge papers said I had to wake Maddie every hour the first night. She’d had the worst day ever and to top it off, she would be startled awake all night. She was going to hate me.
As I tucked her in minutes ago, she gave me her goodnight hug and kiss routine, and then said "Mommy, I'm sorry I scared you. I'm not gonna leave you alone like Daddy." Dear lord, the things kids say.
"Oh baby, I know. Daddy left us because he was sick, and it was his time to be with the angels. It wasn’t his fault. I know you’re staying right here with me. But maybe you could lay off the climbing a bit?" I said, hoping to lighten the mood.
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, "Okay, Mommy. Are you really going to build a ballet barre in my room?"
Oh, right, that. "Well, we’re definitely going to try. How about on Sunday we take a trip to the home improvement store and get everything we need?" I said, praying for divine intervention. I am so defunct at home improvement, hammers and nails flee in my presence.
She bobbed her head up and down enthusiastically, and I gave her one last hug and kiss before turning off the light. My eyes wandered over to the corner where the ballet barre would go and, as I walked out of the room, I wondered how in the world I was going to make this happen for my little girl.
Ethan, if you are up there...a little help? Please?
Walking into my bedroom, I flopped down on my bed just in time to pick up my ringing cell phone which was currently blaring “Milkshake” by Kelis. God, I hated that song.
Leah.
She had an obsession with ringtones. Or maybe she just liked to mess with me. She periodically stole my phone and programmed a new default ringtone, knowing full well I had no idea how to change it. She would wait patiently, like a lioness waiting for prey, until I would call her bitching about how my phone rang in the middle of the grocery store blaring “Sexy and I Know It”, or “Don’t Cha Wish your Girlfriend was Hot Like Me?” by the Pussycat Dolls in the middle of a preschool play. Leah found it hilarious. Me? Not so much. When my phone started singing “Baby” by Justin Beiber in the gynecologist’s office, I almost killed her. She kept that particular one programmed for weeks, slowly driving me insane. I really needed to learn how to use my cellphone.
"Hi Leah, she's doing much better," I answered.
"Oh, thank God. Thank you for taking care of my precious goddaughter tonight. I’ve been worried,” she said. She always played up her godmother role, like she was a queen or something.
“Well, now you can calm down. She’s asleep. Well, for the next hour at least.”
Leah’s always been like a sister to me and she loves my daughter like an aunt. I fear what she and Maddie might do together when she gets older. I may have to set ground rules. No rock concerts with Aunt Leah.
“Do you like your new ringtone?" she jeered.
"You're just lucky I answered in the first place. After tonight, I’m seriously driving all the way downtown if I need an ER. That had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life.”
Dr. Matthews knew exactly who I was talking about the minute he walked into that room. The over confident grin he’d briefly flashed before examining Maddie said so.
"Why? Because he heard you say he was hot? Well, duh. He is. It's not like he doesn't know it," she said, like it was no big deal.
"Oh God and the comment about how long it'd been. Jesus, he must think I'm a nun...or a prude," I whined, finding a comfortable position on the bed. I absentmindedly twisted a dark red curl around my finger.
Wait, aren't those the same things?"
"Shut up, not funny."
"Okay, like I was saying before we were interrupted by the very topic of our conversation. Dr. Matthews is single, and you are single...oil, gears...etc.”
Wow. Subtle, Leah.
"And as I told you earlier, I have no idea why you are telling me this."
"Clare, sweetie. It's been over three years. I'm not saying go find a new husband. But at least think about the possibility of getting back out there and having a little fun,” she said gently.
"Fun? I have fun," I fired back defensively.
"I mean the adult version of fun. The horizontal kind you do with the opposite sex."
Oh. Right. I'd forgotten about that kind of fun.
"I just don't know if I'm ready, Leah," I huffed into the phone.
"Sweetie, you'll never know if you don't try. What better person to test drive than a super sexy doctor?" Leah cajoled.
"Maybe you should take your own advice? When was the last time you went out on a date?” I asked, knowing full well the answer. It had been months.
Leah had been in a long term relationship with a guy named Daniel. They were getting pretty serious and everyone expected him to propose. Then Ethan got sick and she did what any best friend would do. She dropped everything and helped me run my life for the next year. She was there for me every step of the way. When I needed a babysitter while we went to doctor’s appointments, chemo treatments and counseling sessions, she was there. She picked up groceries, paid bills, and held me when I cried. She was my rock. But unfortunately, Daniel was not as understanding. He left, saying she cared more about me than him. It devastated her, and I've felt guilty ever since. She's told me over and over that it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I agree, but the guilt remains. Ever since Daniel, her dating life has been minimal.
"We're not talking about me," she answered, changing the subject.
“We're talking about you and hot doctors. I could get his number for you. You could call and say you had a question about Maddie. No, wait! You could ask for a house call!"
“Oh my God. You’re insane. And no. You are not breaking into hospital records to get a phone number for me,” I said. I took a deep breath, knowing full well she was not going to give up.
"I need some time. Give me a few days. Maybe we can go bar hopping or something, but I don’t need to be set up with a billionaire doctor to get my mojo going again.”
"All right, but I expect you to get some phone numbers when we go barhopping. No hiding in the corner booth. I still think hot doctor is the way to go. It would definitely b
e my pick. Yum,” she said, in a dreamy voice.
I allowed myself one last fleeting memory of the moment I’d shared with the doctor today. Had I shared a moment with him, or was it just an indication that I needed to move on. Could I?
"It's time, Clare," Leah said, just as the one hour alarm went off saving me from further discussion on my love life, or lack thereof.
“I’ve got to go wake up our sleeping beauty.”
“Better you than me. That girl is a bear when she’s sleepy,” she joked.
“No kidding. Just like her godmother.”
After waking a very sleepy and unhappy Maddie and returning her back to bed, I readied myself for sleep. I finally eased into bed after a day that seemed like it would never end. Running my hands over the soft sheets, I tried to remember what it was like to have Ethan here beside me. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he and I were here together in this place, and yet I can still remember the exact color of his eyes, and the way he smelled after a shower when I lay in his arms. My eyes traveled over the room we’d decorated so long ago. We spent forever picking out the exact shade of gray, and the perfect furniture. The first year of our marriage was spent making this house our home. And now it was just me, raising our daughter, alone.
I can’t help but think what today would have been like with him by my side. What it would have felt like to have someone there, holding my hand? Holding Maddie’s hand, and assuring us everything would be fine.
My fingers reached toward the nightstand drawer next to the bed, pulling out the envelope I’d held so many times before. Still sealed, with worn edges from constantly being held, I brought it to my nose, hoping there would still be a faint whiff of his cologne, but knowing full well there wasn’t.
On the front of the envelope, it simply says "When you're ready" in Ethan's messy handwriting. I always gave him shit for it, asking him how he could read the scribble he produced. He would laugh and admit that he couldn't. I smiled, remembering all the years of sweet memories we shared.
I found the letter weeks after he died, when I was looking through one of his drawers. Knowing him, he'd probably hid it somewhere out of the way on purpose, knowing I’d need some time. Those first weeks of grief were...well, there were no words. When someone close to you dies, it feels like they take a piece of your very soul with them. There were days when all I could do was muster up the energy to breathe. I would have done anything and everything to have a small piece of him back. When I finally found the letter, digging through his drawers, looking for something I don’t even remember anymore, I looked at the words he’d scribbled down on the envelope and froze. Part of me wanted to rip the envelope open that second, but those three words kept me from doing so. For nearly three years that envelope had sat in my nightstand. On the nights when missing him would get too much to bear, I’d pull it out and run my fingers over the words Ethan had written, and feel like he was here with me. But to this day, I still couldn’t break the seal.