by Kara Louise
Just as her brother would go out riding to sort out his thoughts, so she did while playing. Of course she would not tackle new or difficult pieces whilst allowing her mind to wander, but she would play those pieces that she knew so well, that her fingers could dance across the keys with little concentrated thought or effort.
As she played, she thought about the difference in her brother’s demeanour now from when he first found out about her and Wickham. Back then, he was angry at Wickham, she was certain, but he displayed a more protective, forgiving, and nurturing attitude toward her. She had not doubted that he was disappointed in her, but it was tempered by his obvious display of love. She knew that in spite of her immaturity and foolishness, he had still loved her!
But now she was uncertain. Whereas he went through the motions displaying brotherly affection toward her, she felt he was not fervent in it at all. His mind was definitely elsewhere, and she did not know what to do about it.
She began to wonder, as she had occasionally in the past, whether perhaps he wished to be free from the responsibility of being her guardian. She hit a wrong key, which resonated with a most discordant sound.
She had a strong belief that he should be married by now. He should have found someone to bring alongside him and with whom he could share his life. Was it because of her that he had not? Was he waiting until she herself had grown and married before allowing himself that liberty?
Georgiana now dropped her hands in her lap as she let out a soft sigh. What a nuisance he must consider her! What a burden and a restriction she must be to him! Because of her, he was deeply hurt when she almost ran off with Wickham. Because of her, he had been required to be occupied for over three months just retrieving her from America! Because of her, over the past few years he had spent considerable time trying to secure an appropriate governess or companion for her, and now, because of Mrs. Annesley’s need to remain in America, he was in the process of doing that again!
She could not ask for a finer brother, and she felt deep regret for what she had put him through! A single tear slowly left a trace as it fell down her cheek, and she wondered if there was any way she could make it up to him.
She heard him return and began playing again. She knew he always enjoyed hearing her play, and wondered whether he would come in and sit. It was quite a few minutes that had passed when she heard footsteps come down the hall, but instead of coming to the music room, she heard him enter his study and close the door. The single tear that had fallen was suddenly joined by a multitude of others.
Later that evening, they sat together at the table. Georgiana wanted so much to persuade him to talk, but had no idea how. Fear that she was the cause of his dismal disposition tempted her to refrain from asking what was troubling him. But love and concern for him overtook her fear, and at length, she finally drew up the strength and courage to approach him about it.
They were both quietly eating as she stole a quick glance up at him. “Fitzwilliam, do you mind if I ask you something?”
Darcy looked up at her and smiled; a smile that was more out of effort than joy. “Of course not, Georgiana. What is it?”
She winced slightly and her jaw tightened as she deliberated what she would say. “I… I am worried about you.”
Darcy, who had been bringing a fork full of food to his mouth, stopped and put it back down on his plate. “Why would you be worried about me?”
Georgiana took a deep breath, feeling the need to fill her lungs. “I… um…I have just noticed lately, that ever since you… ever since you arrived in America, and even now that we are back at Pemberley, you seem… you seem unhappy.”
She looked down quickly, and therefore did not see him close his eyes and drop his head as she said those words. A look of sorrow swept across his face as he looked back up at her.
“Georgiana,” Darcy reached out for his sister’s hand and she looked back up. “I appreciate your concern. I have just been preoccupied lately. There is nothing to concern yourself with.”
Georgiana’s eyes pooled with tears as she began again. “But I have never seen you like this before. I feel terrible that it was because of me you had to journey all the way to America and back, and that I put you through so much anguish.”
Darcy grasped her hand in both of his. “Georgiana, I do not want to hear any more of this blaming yourself for anything! It has nothing to do with you! You must know that I love you and nothing will ever change that!”
Georgiana pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and, bringing it up to her eyes, wiped them. “But then what does it have to do with?”
Darcy leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “I cannot discuss it with you now.” He lifted the napkin from his lap and brought it up to his mouth, needing a distraction, needing to formulate what he should say to Georgiana to reassure her. “It just has something to do with the voyage over to America. That is all. Please do not worry yourself, Georgiana. I shall be fine in no time.”
“Are you sure it is not because of me? I would do anything to make it up to you!”
“Georgiana, believe me, it has nothing to do with you.”
Georgiana felt somewhat relieved but a deeper curiosity set in. When her brother was set against talking about something, there was very little she could do to draw it out of him. She would have to be content to wait until he was willing to talk about it, or hope that the hold it had on him would soon pass.
They finished their dinner in relative silence, again, although Darcy did make more of an effort to converse with her just to assure Georgiana his gloomy temperament lately was not directed at her. He was having a very difficult time rising above the feeling that he might never see Elizabeth again, but he had never thought that Georgiana would misconstrue his behaviour and blame herself for it. He would have to be more careful.
He had returned to Pemberley to find an excessive amount of work needing his immediate attention. Part of his struggle since returning from America stemmed from having little time to think about how he would or when he would begin to search for Elizabeth. Now he realized that it had so overtaken him that he had begun to neglect Georgiana. He made a decision then and there to make every effort to show Georgiana he loved her.
***
Back across the great Atlantic, Elizabeth had finally been able to push aside, though not completely eliminate, the emotional pain she felt when she had first arrived. As great a help as her aunt was to her, she realized how much her aunt looked to her for the same. With her uncle gone frequently during the day, Elizabeth did her share of helping with the children and around the home, and was always eager to sit down with Mrs. Gardiner with some tea and simply talk.
It was at those times that Elizabeth truly grasped what it was about her aunt that made her so special in her eyes. She could sit down and have an intelligent, meaningful conversation with her, something she simply could not do with her own mother. She had looked forward to spending time with her aunt, and she was grateful for every moment she had with her.
She spent her days savouring every new sight, every new experience, and soaking in all she could learn. It was during the day that she was able to direct her thoughts to those things around her that made up this place called New York. Whether it was strolling through the ethnic downtown area, spending a leisurely day in a park, or making a three-day journey out to an incredibly beautiful sight such as Niagara Falls, she found herself truly enjoying her visit.
But it was in the dark, quiet moments of the night that she found difficulty reining in her thoughts, and a powerful loneliness and sadness would overwhelm her. At times she felt that William was right there in the room with her, or that she had just seen him, the image of his face so clear. At other times she felt there was a vast distance between them that most likely did exist because of his return to England with his sister. She found herself thinking of him as William, as though their intimacy onboard Pemberley’s Promise allowed her that right. She had often used his full name, Fitzwilliam, when
in the presence of others, but the more intimate name, William, she used when they were alone.
It was also during those dark, lonely nights, she determined one more thing. She realized that the vows she had made were solemn, and even though William might be able to annul the marriage, she did not think that, in her heart, she could go against those vows. She knew what that meant. She would never remarry. She would be an aunt to all her sisters’ children, always loving and generous, but a lonely spinster.
In God’s eyes, she would uphold those vows in her heart. But it was not merely an act of sacrifice for her. She knew that the love she had for William was ardent and strong, and she was convinced that to marry anyone else would be a futile attempt to remove him from her memory and from her heart.
***
Darcy sat at the table with Georgiana, having almost all his work caught up, and could now begin to see that light at the end of what had been a very dark tunnel. He believed he finally would have some free time that would afford him the opportunity to do some exploring around the county of Hertfordshire.
He interviewed several genteel ladies about the position of companion for Georgiana, and hired a Mrs. Chatham, a widowed woman from a nearby village. He had been pleased with her manners, her accomplishments, and her references. She moved into Pemberley and began working immediately with Georgiana.
As he and Georgiana were just finishing their evening meal, Mrs. Reynolds came in. “Mr. Darcy, two posts have come for you. From the looks of the blots on one of the envelopes, I believe it must be from your good friend, Mr. Bingley.”
Darcy let out a laugh as he took it. “You are very astute, Mrs. Reynolds. Nothing gets past you, now, does it?”
As she handed him both letters, she informed him, “The other is posted from Captain Wendell.”
Darcy was curious why his good friend Bingley would write when he abhorred writing letters, but he had an even greater interest in Wendell’s letter. Could he have found out something about Elizabeth’s whereabouts?
He looked up at Mrs. Reynolds. “Thank you.”
He ripped open Wendell’s letter as Georgiana watched his face. They often received letters from Wendell, or someone from the ship’s line, to update Darcy of the business details of Pemberley’s Promise. He normally took those letters back with him to his study to open. She had never seen him open a piece of business mail so determinedly, and in addition to that, opening it before a letter from a close acquaintance.
Darcy quickly opened the folded missive and saw before him simply one name, written boldly across the page from the lower left corner to the upper right corner, LONGBOURN.
He smiled. The good captain had met with success! He sat looking at the name for some time, realizing he would need to get out a map to find the location of Elizabeth’s home.
Quickly recollecting his other letter, he carefully opened it up and wondered at the feasibility of reading this letter through all the blots of ink. In addition, the pounding of his heart and the direction of his thoughts were not conducive to comprehending what his friend would have to say.
As he scanned the letter, Georgiana detected a sense of surprised delight in his posture.
“What does he say?” she asked curiously.
Darcy, suddenly finding himself very interested in Bingley’s letter, read it aloud to Georgiana.
My Good Friend Darcy,
I understand you have returned now from your voyage to America. I hope it was enjoyable and that this letter finds you well.
I have done something and hope to secure your approval. I found a very nice manor about a month ago, and I liked it enough to decide to let it. It is not as grand as Pemberley, but I believe it is just right for me at the present. It is in Hertfordshire and is called Netherfield. I would love to have you come take a look at it and assure me that I made the right decision. Or at least pretend you like it and give me your blessing.
It is a few miles from the little village of Meryton. Anytime you can come, I would love to see you.
My sisters send their greetings.
Sincerely, Charles Bingley
Georgiana looked at him and asked, “Will you go, brother?”
This was the perfect opportunity to travel to Hertfordshire. Now he would not have to come up with an excuse to journey there. He could go visit his friend, and whilst he was there, he could make inquiries. Hopefully it would be an easy distance to Longbourn! Two answers to prayer dropped in his lap at the same time!
“Yes, it has been too long since I have seen Bingley, and I do want to see what kind of a place this Netherfield is. I shall write to him directly and let him know that I accept his invitation.” Darcy turned to Georgiana. “Would you care to join me?”
Georgiana shook her head. “No, I think I shall leave you to visit your good friend and his sisters on your own. I fear that if I go along with you, Miss Bingley should look upon it as my encouraging her attentions to pairing Mr. Bingley and me together. I shall enjoy remaining at Pemberley, getting to know Mrs. Chatham in the comfort of our home here, while you endure Miss Bingley’s gracious attentions.”
Darcy rolled his eyes at his sister, who knew all too well how much he detested Miss Bingley’s anything but gracious attentions. With a firm grip on Bingley’s letter, he stood, excused himself and informed Georgiana that he would set about making plans to visit his good friend within the coming week.
Georgiana watched him walk away from the table, sensing a complete change in him. She turned back to the table and saw the letter from Captain Wendell that he inadvertently left behind. Curiously, she picked it up.
“How odd,” she softly exclaimed, as her eyes looked at the single word, Longbourn, written across the page. She quickly returned the missive to its place upon the table just as the brisk footsteps of her brother announced he was returning and, without a word, he picked up the letter with the mysterious message and again left the room.
***
The voyage home for Elizabeth and the Gardiners was just as could be expected. They had two cabins on the ship. Elizabeth and her aunt shared one with her daughters, and her uncle took the other with his sons. Although the ship was not as grand as Pemberley’s Promise, at least she did not have to spend any of her time in steerage. She did, however, make herself available down there and tended those who needed it. With a good tail wind most of the way across, it took a little under a month to finally arrive at the port in Liverpool and with little distress. When Elizabeth took her first step back on English soil, she was grateful that she had finally come home.
They planned to spend a week or two in Liverpool while her uncle took care of business. While Elizabeth was anxious to get home after being gone for five months, she continued to enjoy the time spent with her aunt and uncle. She was grateful that her time with them had begun to ease her aching heart.
Not that she had told them anything. But her aunt, having the gift of discernment especially where Elizabeth was concerned, knew something was amiss. She had a gentle way of reassuring her when she did not even know the circumstances that seemed to be closing in around her. Those reassurances had been a needed, daily salve to her.
They sat around the dining room table in the inn at Liverpool after being there close to a week. Mr. Gardiner was exceptionally jovial. As they prepared to eat, he made an announcement.
“I finished my work here today, much sooner than I expected. If you like, we can prepare to leave for home tomorrow and set out the day after.”
Everyone cheered, the children clapped, and Mrs. Gardiner placed her hand upon her husband’s. “You mean we are really going home?”
He smiled and nodded. “We can make it to Hertfordshire in two days, and then another one day to London.” He paused and then looked at Mrs. Gardiner. “Or we can take a little detour and spend some time in Lambton.”
Mrs. Gardiner clasped her two hands together. “Oh, Edmund! Do you really think we have the time to do that? You know I would love to!”
&nb
sp; He nodded as he continued. “I do not have to be back to the warehouse in London until next Monday. That gives us a few extra days. It is not directly on our way, but only a few miles’ detour.” He looked at Elizabeth. “Do you think you could put off getting home a few more days?”
Elizabeth looked delighted. “To see the place where Aunt Madlyn grew up? Absolutely!”
The following day they all eagerly helped each other pack up their things in preparation for another day on the road. Elizabeth enjoyed hearing her aunt’s tales of growing up in this small village, and of some of her friends who still lived there. Elizabeth was sure it was a most delightful place.
“How long do you suppose it will take us to get there?” asked Elizabeth as she put the final item in her duffel and closed it up.
“For most of the day. But it shall be a most pleasant journey. The county of Derbyshire is absolutely breathtaking!”
Elizabeth suddenly froze. The mention of Derbyshire brought about a wave of unsteadiness that coursed through her. William’s country manor is somewhere in Derbyshire!
Her eyes were cast down and she felt that she could not meet her aunt’s gaze, lest she suspect something. At length, she calmed herself and looked back up.
“I am looking forward to it very much, Aunt.”
“Oh, Lizzy, I was hoping you would. I would so love for you to meet a few of my acquaintances with whom I have kept in touch!”
Elizabeth took in a deep breath. “I should like to meet them as well.”
***
The next day was spent on the road travelling. Elizabeth had to admit that her aunt was correct in her assessment of the county of Derbyshire. It had a natural, striking beauty that Elizabeth truly appreciated. She looked out at the landscape they were passing through and wondered of Darcy’s proximity and familiarity with it. Along the way, as they passed a handful of estates, she silently wondered if any of them could be his.