by Dale Mayer
*
She was the sweetest, most confusing…damnedest female he’d ever met. He’d loved her since the first moment he’d seen her, he knew their energy clicked within seconds, and it had cemented over time. And yet, she kept backing off. Early on, she’d been the same, and he thought he’d finally gotten her over that. But when she walked, he realized she’d just been shoving all the issues deep inside. He should have done his best to reassure her more. That he was in the relationship for the long haul. Not just that moment in time. But he’d thought she’d gotten it. Had understood how perfect they were together. Except she’d had no experience to go on. And, as such, had nothing to compare it to. And didn’t understand how good a thing they had.
He’d never explained it to her. Never really shared his feelings, thinking it was a given. But he’d failed her there.
He should have made sure she understood.
That had been a mistake.
In the last year, it had bothered him a lot to think she might have found another partner. He’d never even looked. He couldn’t. She was his partner. That she needed a year away sucked, but he had to know she was there a hundred percent for him. And when she’d walked he realized that she hadn’t been at all. That had hurt. In a big way.
He also missed Granny. She’d been a character, but honest and a straight shooter. He’d come to her for advice more than a few times. He’d seen her devotion to the girls, to her energy work, to her star charts. When she died, a hole in his life appeared, and it had ripped into a huge crater when Celeste had walked, too.
Holding Celeste close, he stared up at the ceiling in wonder. Granny had produced thousands of star charts in her time. He remembered the documents that Genesis had found. And the letter to her from her granny. They hadn’t even had a chance to look for more. And were there letters for the other two girls? He knew how Genesis had cherished hers.
Maybe when this hell was over, he could convince Celeste to do a full-on search, and see what other paperwork was hidden in the cottage. Bring all the sisters in on it. Honor Granny at the same time. Make it a point to move on from here.
Hopefully, with everyone together.
He glanced down at Celeste to see her almost asleep. It was only in a healing pool that one could float and sleep without any concern for drowning. The water looked out for her every need.
With a happy sigh, he leaned over and kissed her gently. “God, I missed you.”
Chapter 18
She loved that about Matt. He’d always been that way. Easy with compliments, easy with words in general. He was a man who loved to hug, to just hold her. She missed that. She hadn’t thought she was the type to want to be touched all the time, but as her relationship with him had progressed, she’d craved it more and more. It had been the one thing that had brought tears to her eyes all those long nights of sleeping alone in bed. She’d wished for his arms to hold her. That easy confidence of his to say life was going to be okay.
And it hadn’t been okay for a long time. She’d cried buckets for weeks until the need to make a living had reared its ugly head and her pride had set in. Somehow, after a few weeks, she hadn’t been away quite long enough, but at the same time, she had been away too long to easily return at that point. She hadn’t wanted to come home as a failure? A child returning away from a reckless act? She hadn’t been able to reconcile the new independence with the act of contrition.
Showing that the small step of independence didn’t prove anything, as if she’d truly grown up, she’d have come home to make peace and apologize. Of all the things she’d done wrong, leaving Genesis to clean up behind her was the biggest mistake. And walking away from Matt the one that hurt the most.
“I hurt Genesis badly when I left,” she said quietly. “I wasn’t thinking of her, and what she’d be going through when I walked. I knew things were tough for Tori, and when she left it seemed like a perfect solution. But when Tori disappeared, she did so believing that Genesis and I would have each other. I don’t have that excuse. I ran to get away, and left my beautiful sister behind.”
“Which is also what Connor did to her.”
Celeste winced. “Yeah, we all have baggage from a year ago, don’t we?”
“We do. Whether it’s baggage we understand or not.”
“Connor and Genesis appear to be fine now?” she said in a hesitant voice.
“Yes, they are.” Matt smiled and reached up to stroke her head. “It took a bit. Same for Tori and Devon.”
“Yeah, that was different, too.”
Matt’s laughter rumbled through his chest, making her smile at the noise under her ear. “It doesn’t matter how, or what it’s all about. It’s getting to the bottom of why. Then working to heal that issue.”
“How come you’re so smart?” she said with a flippant tone, expecting a joking response in return.
When he didn’t answer she lifted her head to study the grim lines around his mouth. “What’s wrong?”
“Well, I’m not very smart, am I?” he said, his voice distant. “I always thought I was. I always thought I had the answers. Life wasn’t terribly easy, but I’d set a goal, and worked until I got it. I was determined, and used intelligent actions.”
“You are,” she cried. “Where is this coming from?”
He slid a sideways glance her way, but wouldn’t say anything more.
“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” She straightened, brushing back strands of wet hair. “How? I don’t understand.”
With a shrug of his shoulders he slid deeper into the water. “What’s there to understand? I messed up.”
His tone was harsh, a complete contrast to the look in his eyes. The insecurity she caught a glimpse of was stuffed back down inside. It took a moment for her to put it altogether. “You can’t blame yourself,” she cried. “You aren’t the reason I left.”
“Neither was I a reason for you to stay, was I?” he said, bitterness in his voice. “If I’d understood how insecure you felt, or knew what else you needed from me…maybe then you wouldn’t have run away. You didn’t just leave, but you left me.” He ran a hand down over her face. “You left us. What we had together. It wasn’t enough for you. I wasn’t enough for you. I’d never consider such a thing being possible, as I was so damn happy with what we had. But you weren’t…”
“But I was—” she cried.
But he wasn’t listening. “Obviously not.” He leaned back and closed his eyes, as if to say the conversation was over and done with. Judgment rendered and he’d been found wanting. His fault.
“Oh, good Lord,” she whispered. “I never considered your feelings like that, either. Never thought it would matter.”
At that, he rose up out of the water, and stood glaring down at her. “Never thought it would matter?” he said incredulously. “We were together damn near every moment of the day. We were not an item we were the item. One. The two of us together. What did you think was going to happen when you ripped that apart and walked away?”
She swallowed hard. “I didn’t think. I was hurt and reacted. Instinct said to run, so I ran.”
He stared at her, then looked around blindly, as if not sure how they’d come to this point, and then he didn’t know where to go from here. But his words reverberated in her head.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
“Whatever.” He reached for his towel, and with his other hand he snatched up the wine and tossed back the remaining liquid.
She knew that he was building up his walls right now. Higher, bigger, stronger. He hadn’t ever opened up like this before. And if she didn’t do something, he was going to close that opening up and lock it down, never to be mentioned again. He’d always been good at compliments and saying things that made her smile. Like she’d thought earlier. But he’d never been good at talking about his feelings. And that’s what she’d missed. All his conversations before hadn’t been superficial, but they’d been built on that foundation that said he thought she’d
been on the same wavelength, and she had been, but without the words to confirm it. To give her the confidence she needed. Who knew she needed the words?
Jesus, what had she done to him?
As he wrapped the towel around his shoulders and lifted his leg to step out, she realized she had to fix this, somehow. The only thing that came to mind was the truth.
“I love you,” she whispered. “I always did.”
He froze. But he didn’t turn around.
“But I didn’t know that you loved me. You never said so. You never shared your feelings. You always said lovely things to me, but never those words. We never talked about a future. You were all about living in the moment, and to me that meant you were only looking at today, and soon today would be over, and you’d move on to tomorrow.”
She stood and looked down at herself, watching as the water flowed off her body, the healing pool backing off, letting this next step take place. Maybe they were ready now.
She certainly was.
“I had just lost someone I’d known couldn’t stay forever, but hadn’t been ready for them to leave. When I considered going to you for support, not consciously but on a subconscious level, I knew you weren’t going to be there forever, either. There is no tomorrow in today, and the future is all about tomorrows. I couldn’t handle it. I figured that while I was dealing with the adjustment, a clean break was going to be the easiest way. And I left. Left you behind. Left my beautiful sister behind. Left my animals behind.” She stared at him, realizing she could barely see him for the tears filling her eyes and spilling out over her cheeks. She swiped them away. “You weren’t ready for a commitment, and I couldn’t handle temporary. Not when I’d just lost someone very long term.”
She sank back into the water and let the tears come. For her granny, her sisters who’d suffered. For Matt, and then for herself, and the young woman she’d been back then. She was much older and wiser, now. Hell they all were.
The tears wouldn’t stop, though. Until a set of strong arms pulled her up against his chest and cradled her close. “Easy, Celeste. Calm down. We’ll get through this.”
“No,” she whispered. “I ruined it all.”
“Sounds like we need to split that blame fairly between us,” he said in a wry voice. “We both made mistakes. Both suffered. But maybe we needed to. Maybe it’s the best thing for us.”
The tears slowed as she stared up at him hopefully. “Do you think so?”
“I have to think so.” He tilted her chin up higher. “I couldn’t imagine that the words needed to be said, as what we had was such a perfect connection I knew you had to know.”
She opened her mouth to say something, but he closed her mouth with a fingertip and added, “But I should have. You needed to hear them.”
“And if I’d had any experience in the world, and with relationships, I would have known that, but I didn’t,” she said with a smile. “You were and still are my only lover.”
A light shone inside that deep gaze that had melted her heart the first time he’d turned it on her. She’d fallen instantly back then, too.
“I do, you know.”
“You do what?” She’d lost track of the conversation when he turned her insides to mush with that gaze.
*
“I love you. I saw you and fell instantly and forever in love with you.”
He snatched her up in his arms and kissed her breathless.
By the time he raised his head, she had more tears running down her face. He frowned and gently stroked her cheek. “More tears?”
“Tears of happiness.” She beamed at him. “Not pain.”
“Thank heavens for that,” he said, dropping a kiss on her nose, her cheek, then on each closed eyelid. “I’d never want to hurt you. I know I probably will at some point without realizing it, but I’d never do anything to hurt you on purpose.”
“Ditto,” she said resting her forehead against his chin. “I’m so sorry for all the hurts I inflicted on you.”
He held her tight. “I know why you did it, and that’s what’s important, so that we can stop hurting each other in the future.”
She shivered in the water.
He stepped back. “Do you want to swim more?”
She shook her head. She knew the pool gave one an appetite—hence keeping food stocked here all the time—but besides the hunger for food, when people stayed in the water for longer periods of time, other appetites surfaced. One in particular. It was actually the primary one, but it hadn’t ever been an issue before. From the look in Matt’s eyes, it was an issue now—for both of them.
“No, the pool is cooling to move us out. It’s healed us to the extent it can, and the rest we’re to do on our own.”
“Really?” He glanced down at the cooling water. “It actually drops the temperature?”
“Yes.” She disentangled herself from his arms. “I need to grab another towel.”
“I have one—” He found it now lying half in and half out of the pool. “I guess I should say ‘had’. I lost my grip on it, apparently.”
She laughed and climbed over the edge of the pool, snatching up several towels from the shelving on the side.
Accepting another towel from her, he stepped out beside her and whisked off the water. His skin dried off quicker than expected. He looked over to see Celeste hanging up the towel he’d dropped in the pool and her own. Her skin had also dried, but her swim suit hadn’t.
“Does the water dry faster, too?” He handed her his towel, studying the water on the floor that was seeping through the wooden slats and into the ground below.
“It does. Dries faster, doesn’t hurt your skin, and requires no PH testing.”
“Even though it’s not got running water from the other pools in it?”
“It does, actually. It’s connected at the far end to the same natural spring system.”
He walked over and studied the natural rock formation, realizing there was a small bubble of fresh water trickling in. Minkel sat up from where he’d been sleeping. He yawned, then slipped into the water and floated on his back, almost instantly asleep.
The two lemurs joined him, completely at home in the water.
Fascinating. “Any idea how old this pool is?”
“Older than Granny. Her granny used it all the time.”
He nodded, not surprised. There were secrets here they’d likely never understand. And maybe that was okay, too.
“You’re very blessed,” he said.
“We all are.” She held out her hand. “Come on.”
He grasped her fingers gently. “Where are we going?”
“To bed.”
Chapter 19
She couldn’t believe that they’d gotten this far this fast, but she couldn’t wait any longer. The last year had fallen away like it had never happened. He was right. She was very blessed. More so, because she had him.
Opening her bedroom door, she led the way to her bed. It was slightly bigger than her other sisters’ beds, as she’d inherited it somewhere along the line, but it was barely big enough for two of them.
“I figure it’s small, but could work,” she said archly giving him a raised eyebrow look.
“I think we’ll manage just fine.” He held his clothing in his arms and turned around, looking for a place to put them down.
“The chair is empty,” she said. “Put them there.”
With his back turned, she stripped off her bathing suit, and waited until he turned back and saw her.
She loved the catch of breath in his throat, the widening gaze, and of the jump of his erection in his wet underwear.
She smiled. “I think you’re overdressed.”
He stripped off his boxers and kicked the garment back to the chair, where he’d left the rest of his clothing.
“Darbo? Silky?”
“They’re in the pool room,” she said. “As are the dozen other animals, lying around.”
“The living room was full when I last saw
it, too.” He walked toward her, his arms open.
She smiled and stepped into his embrace, loving the feel of his heated skin against hers. “That is life in my world. See what you’re signing up for?”
“I do, and I’m fine with it,” he smiled down at her. “In fact, I can’t wait.”
She tilted her head back and whispered, “Show me how much.”
And show her, he did.
Like a step back in time, or maybe it was the present wiping out the past, his touch was familiar, and yet, new. Each touch poignant with memories.
This wasn’t the same as before. Similar, but so much better. She’d wanted this. Been afraid she’d never have it again. His hands stroked and caressed, sure and knowing, as if their last time together had been just yesterday. Her response was instant, as always—more so as it had been so long. She’d missed him so much. Emotions swamped her, as she realized she was here in his arms. Finally.
Where she’d always wanted to be.
He backed her up until her knees hit the bed frame. He pulled back enough to reach down and grab the bedding and throw it back. Gently, he lowered her to the bed. She shifted under the covers and moved to the far side so he could join her. It was going to be a tight fit.
Seeing the look on her face, he smiled and said, “It will be fine.”
She laughed. “If you say so.”
“I’m not that big,” he protested, pushing the covers she tugged up over her body down to their feet. She squealed and complained about the air being chilly. He laughed and said, “You won’t notice soon.”
And she didn’t. Moments later, a raging inferno simmered inside, as he gently caressed her body with such attention, as if he was trying to remember each and every part of her. He’d always been a caring lover. Always seem to enjoy touching her skin, as if that alone brought him pleasure. She certainly loved it. Reaching up, she slid her fingers into his hair and down his scalp. He lowered his head and kissed her gently. “I missed you,” he whispered. “Every damn night when I lay in bed, I thought of you. Of this. Of how good we were.”