by Indiana Wake
Other than her sisters and her mother, Josie had never been able to sit in silence with someone else in the room and feel comfortable. So, when she did it with Parker for the first time, it was almost a shock. Now Josie liked it when he was nearby; it was a comforting presence.
Parker watched her create her paintings and he marveled at all of them. He kept trying to get her to send them to places like Boston and New York City so they could get into a gallery but Josie refused. She had enough talent for painting but she didn’t have any confidence to send them out to anyone. Before, only her parents and her sisters had seen them. Her sisters and her mother had encouraged it while Abraham had told her she was doing something pointless and wasting her time.
Now Parker had seen them all. He found them fascinating and gave praise to everything, which Josie found embarrassing and humbling. But every time he mentioned a gallery Josie ended up panicking and saying no. She didn’t want anyone else to see them; the rejection would hurt her too badly.
That was the only frustration she had about Parker; he kept pushing her to do the galleries and Josie kept pushing back. It drove her mad but she didn’t have the heart to push Parker away. She had gotten used to him.
Having him around made Josie feel warm and comfortable. He was a presence that she liked. It was a soothing, familiar presence.
And that familiarity was making Josie nervous. She had told herself that she was going to end it between them but Parker kept doing something new every day that stopped her from doing it. Now Josie didn’t want to end anything at all.
Josie liked to think she wasn’t a fickle woman and could stick to one decision. So this was giving her a headache, trying to figure out what to do.
So one morning, she sneaked out before everyone else was up and went out onto the prairie. There was a coyote with a litter of pups that Parker had shown her the day before. He had taken her to a place where they could sit and watch without getting spotted.
Coyotes were incredibly protective over their pups and Josie didn’t want to become food. She just wanted some quiet time without having to think about Parker Young and their blossoming relationship.
It had blossomed too much. And now Josie was scared.
The morning passed pleasantly enough. Josie managed to get the sketch but she wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Parker kept coming into her mind and Josie had to push him away. It was frustrating and drove her mad. Something had to be done but Josie was too afraid to do anything.
She had no idea what to do about it, either.
Shortly before lunch, Josie had finished and decided to go home for food and to start on her recent painting. The walk back to Rapid City felt like she was dragging her feet. The direction she had gone meant she had to go past the bank. Parker was often in his office but he would be out and about talking to the people who weren’t able to go to the bank to sort out their accounts. He was caring like that.
He had more layers to him than Josie thought possible.
As she approached the bank, Josie quickened her pace. Hopefully, she could walk past and head home without being seen. Until she sorted out her feelings, being around Parker was not a good idea. But her heart sank when she heard his voice behind her. Putting on a smile, she turned and saw him walking towards her across the street, dressed in his work suit and taking off his hat in greeting.
Before, he had looked boring and like any other man in a suit. Now, Josie had never seen anything more handsome.
It was incredible what a few days seeing a different side to a man could do.
“Good morning, Josie.”
Josie swallowed. Now her mouth felt dry and her pulse felt like it was racing.
“Hey, Parker.”
“Where were you this morning?”
Josie shrugged.
“Just out to have a look at those coyote pups.”
“May I see?”
Should she? Josie wanted to get home as soon as she could. But she didn’t want to be rude and Parker did appreciate her work. She passed the sketchpad across. Parker flipped it open and found her recent sketch. Josie watched as his eyes lit up in approval.
“This is beautiful, so realistic.”
“Thanks.” Even with all the praise Josie found herself blushing. “Hopefully, it’ll look good when I’ve done the painting.”
Parker paused. Josie knew that hesitation. She knew what was coming.
“Why don’t you have your paintings sent to a gallery? You could get a lot of money for them. The people on the East Coast are always curious about what the West looks like.”
This again. Josie had had this argument with him several times before and she didn’t want to do it again. She gritted her teeth as she huffed.
“We’ve been over this several times in the last couple of weeks, Parker. I said no at the start and I’m saying no now. Why won’t you listen to me?” Without realizing it Josie was almost shouting.
Parker blinked. He closed the sketchpad, still staring at her.
“Because I have confidence in your talent. And I think you could become famous with it. You shouldn’t hide your talent away forever.”
“I’m not hiding it.”
“Josie, I’ve seen the room. You’ve got paintings from the floor to the ceiling and it’s full to bursting. Every single piece is beautiful. That may be me speaking because I’ve got a biased opinion of you but you shouldn’t keep them in there forever. What’s the point of painting if you don’t show them off?” He handed the sketchpad back, his face falling into the blank look he often used when things weren’t going his way. “Sell them. Sell them to some of the townspeople or have an auction for them. You would make a fortune.”
Josie knew, deep down, that he meant well. But her pride and her self-esteem were getting the better of her. She didn’t want to do it. What if people laughed at her work and called it ridiculous? Josie couldn’t lose her love for art, couldn’t take it if others criticized it.
Realistically, she knew that her paintings were good enough but there was always a part of her that stopped her. And it was bigger than her confidence to show her paintings to the world.
“No.” She snatched her sketchpad out of his hands. “I want to be an artist but this is for my own pleasure. You do not understand me, could not understand me.”
Parker snorted.
“Then what’s the point of being an artist if you’re not going to share your talent?”
That sounded condescending. Josie had never heard him speak like that. She bristled.
“Are you calling my passion pointless?”
“I never said it was pointless. I told you before you could make a living out of your passion and not have to worry about relying on others for money.”
Josie scowled.
“What I do with my paintings is none of your business.”
“Maybe it is.” Parker narrowed his eyes. “Or is it because you’re scared, Josie? Are you scared you’ll be rejected?”
Josie reeled back like she had been slapped. How could he know that? She almost snarled at him, aware they were in a public street. If they hadn’t been, she would have slapped him.
“You wouldn’t know what rejection is,” she snapped.
“I think I would.” Parker looked her over and shook his head. “Whoever rejected you before had no idea what they were losing.”
Josie had had enough. She wasn’t going to stand around and listen to this.
“Oh, really? You know what you’re losing?” She turned and walked from him. “Get away from me and keep away. You’re hurtful and mean and I will not be forced to sell my paintings because you want me to. Perhaps you want your future wife to keep you!”
“Josie!”
Josie kept walking. She knew people were looking at them curiously but Josie didn’t give them any attention. Her cheeks were hot from knowing she had almost caused a scene.
All she wanted to do was get out of there.
Chapter 6
F
or Josie, the next three days dragged as slowly as a child waiting for Christmas. No matter how she tried, she couldn’t focus. Whenever she sat down to paint or sketch her mind would drift to Parker. To their last meeting. The canvas was just a blur and her motivation flew out of the window like a bird released from a cage.
It had taken a few hours for Josie to calm down and realize that she had blown the argument out of all proportion. She hadn’t needed to get so worked up about it, Parker was only looking out for her. He was trying to let her utilize her painting. To give her an income from it and when she thought about it that way it was incredibly nice. A very modern way of thinking. One that would mean she wouldn’t need to marry!
It was what Josie had wanted to do for a long time. It had been a silly childish dream that she never really grew out of. But the thought of sending any of her pictures to be looked at by anyone, let alone a prestigious gallery, made her come out in a cold sweat.
She put down her brush and sighed. Her hands, covered in paint, fell together in the lap of her blue work dress. Parker had faith in her. Why couldn’t she? It had been so unfair to get angry with him. Josie knew it. She was willing to swallow her pride--to apologize. Maybe there was something she could do. She got up and went into the kitchen.
The problem was now Parker wouldn’t see her. She would go to the bank and ask to see him but he was always in a meeting with someone. Josie would go around to his house and Mrs. Fleet, while sympathetic to Josie’s situation, said she had been given instructions not to let her in as Parker didn’t wish to be in her presence; he was still angry with her.
Josie couldn’t blame him for that. He had treated her with nothing but kindness and courtesy and she had been so very rude.
But Mrs. Fleet did give her an idea of how to speak to him and Josie was willing to try it. It wasn’t easy trying to apologize when the person in question didn’t want to see her.
So when Cora entered her kitchen on the third morning, Josie was making sandwiches. Her hand was shaking a little and as she sliced the loaf it ended up a little thicker than she would have liked. Only, this was the last of the bread. So far, she had thin slices and thick ones. What was wrong with her today?
“Josie, what are you doing?”
Josie blushed but kept sorting out the salad and slices of bread.
“Sorry, Cora. I hope you don’t mind me commandeering your kitchen.”
“Of course not, you go right ahead.” Cora folded her arms. “But what’s going on?”
“I’m making some sandwiches. What does it look like?”
“Exactly what you say it looks like. But you look like you’re struggling.” Cora raised an eyebrow at the mess she was making. It was not like her to be so inept.
This was embarrassing. Cora was the only one who knew about how much Josie had messed it up but, even then, Josie could feel herself blushing.
“Mrs. Fleet says Parker has a tendency to forget his sandwiches for lunch. So I said I would make them myself today and take them in.”
Cora’s confusion disappeared, her expression softening.
“That’s really sweet of you.”
“Well, I was rather awful to him.” Josie cut the sandwiches and wrapped them in greaseproof paper. “I lost my temper with him when I shouldn’t have. It was stupid and I feel ridiculous. I thought this might be a way of getting into his office and apologizing.”
“That might work.” Cora lowered her arms and sighed as she sat down, easing her swollen tummy under the table as she sat down. “I’m sorry about your troubles but this will pass. Have faith and relax.”
Josie felt her throat closing up. Cora had a way of seeing through her and the kindness brought tears prickling at her eyes. She was doing her best to keep herself together but it wasn’t easy. Three days ago, she had acted like a spoiled little girl and pushed away the man she had been falling in love with. The thought that she was falling for Parker had terrified her, maybe she had used the argument as an excuse, to push him away.
“Things were getting good between us, Cora. I got scared when it was going too well. Parker had turned into this amazing and exciting person. Not like the boring man I first met. He showed me parts of the prairie I never knew existed and became a presence I got used to, one I looked forward to seeing, one I missed when he wasn’t there.” She swallowed. “He wasn’t boring, after all.”
“I know.” Cora shook her head. “You were falling in love with him, weren’t you?”
“I was... am.” Josie finished by putting the sandwiches in her bag and she began to clear up. “I was too proud to admit it. So I tried to chase him away. Now I feel bad about it.”
Cora was silent for a moment. Then she stood up and went around to Josie’s side, laying her hands over her sister’s.
“Cora, you’ve just sat down!”
“But you have something more important to do than clearing up.” Cora took the knife out of Josie’s hand and ushered her towards the door, passing the bag to her. “Go to Parker now. Before I chase you out with a broom.”
Josie couldn’t help but giggle at the image but she left. If she was honest, she didn’t want to clear up, either, all she could concentrate on was making this right.
Chapter 7
Parker was so angry. He hadn’t liked the way things had ended between him and Josie and how stubborn she was. For all her good qualities, being prideful and refusing to back down were not part of it. And he didn’t like it. Though he knew he was acting exactly the same he couldn’t seem to let it go.
His attempts to court her, to get her to fall in love with him had failed. For two weeks he thought he was changing her mind about him. Thought that they were really getting somewhere and he had dared to hope. To dream of a life together and it was wonderful. It was everything he had ever wanted. Then, in the space of a few minutes, he had pushed her away from him. This was his fault and, for that, he was angry.
He didn’t want to see her, couldn’t face her saying that they should remain friends. His emotions were still raw and he didn’t want to experience that talk and another rejection. It would break him.
Maybe marriage was not for him. If he couldn’t have Josie as his wife, maybe he would just be a bachelor and swear off marriage altogether. After all, it was unlikely he would ever find a woman like Josie Matthews. Parker wanted a wife and a family but he could live without if it wasn’t Josie he was marrying.
The only problem was that thinking about Josie meant he couldn’t get on with his work, and his agitation over that kept growing. His employees kept out of his way, aware that something was wrong. Chances were they already knew what had happened. There were a lot of gossips in Rapid City, the news would have gotten out. Parker didn’t like his personal business being discussed all around town but right now he didn’t care. He just wanted to work.
He was sitting at his desk staring at the mess when there was a gentle tap at the door. Parker ignored it. His employees were competent, whatever it was they would go away and deal with it themselves.
But the knocking continued. Finally, Parker snapped.
“Yes?”
He looked up and stared as Josie entered the office, a paper bag in her hands. She closed the door and gave him a shy smile, shrugging at him.
“I’ve got your lunch, Parker. Mrs. Fleet said you always leave without your sandwiches so I made you a few.”
Parker bit back the smile that wanted to spread across his face. He always forgot his sandwiches. Josie had gone out of her way to make them herself? Emotions flared up inside of him and he didn’t know if he should be flattered or angry that she was here.
“Josie. What are you doing here?”
Josie bit her lip. She looked embarrassed, but squared her shoulders and crossed the room anyway. Without looking at him she placed the bag on the table.
“I’ve come to apologize for the other day,” she said.
“And it took you three days to do it?”
Parker knew he was
behaving like a child but he couldn’t stop himself. He still felt hurt.
“It took a lot to swallow my pride. And you didn’t make it easy by blocking my every means of getting to you. I had to sneak in the back door to get into your office as your employees wouldn’t let me through the usual way.”
“I was angry, Josie. I didn’t think I wanted to go through that again.” Yet he knew there was something more. Suddenly, he realized that she needed this. She needed to be pushed. Only then would she gain the confidence needed to show her paintings and to grow into the amazing woman he knew she could be.
Josie swallowed. She looked like she was about to cry.
“I was awful, wasn’t I?”
“Just a bit.” He gave her a slight smile and was happy to see a flicker across her lips.
She sat in the chair opposite him and put her face in her hands with a heavy sigh.
Parker waited; this had to be done without any prompting from him. She needed to do this alone.
Josie lowered her hands, her face pale, and she looked miserable.
“To be honest, I’m really scared of anyone seeing my work... anyone beyond my family... and now you. I think I’m good but I haven’t got the confidence to let anyone else see.”
She was biting her lip so much that she was making it sore and yet still he knew that he must let her finish and so he smiled again. It worked and she continued.
“I showed my favorite painting to one of my teachers when I was just thirteen... he laughed, saying I would be the laughing stock of the town if I let anyone see my paintings. It destroyed me. I could never let anyone see them from that moment onward. It took me a lot to show you... the fact that you thought I was good…” She managed a smile. “That made me feel happy. But still I criticize myself too much over it. I made myself believe you were only saying it to court me. The thought of strangers seeing my work brought me out in a cold sweat. It stopped me from painting and it is the painting I love.”
Parker softened immediately when he heard what she had been through. He hadn’t realized it was something like that. At such a young age it would hurt her badly. He just thought she was too proud to show off her work. Just one negative comment as a young woman had destroyed her confidence in something she was clearly brilliant at. He left his seat and went around to her side, kneeling in front of her. He took her hands in his and squeezed them gently.