She embraced him, and he clung to her, the proverbial drowning man in a storm. Yet these were not quite the sorrows of a man, but someone she sensed was like a lost little boy. She held him like a mother would, tightly and firmly, allowing the sadness to rock him and for his tears to stain her shoulder.
After several long minutes, Garner’s weeping subsided. She went in search of a box of tissues as he apologized through lingering tears.
“Had it not hit you yet?” She handed him the tissue box and returned to her spot on the ottoman.
“Not like that,” he said, wiping his eyes. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to have my big breakdown on you. I knew it was coming. Didn’t expect it to happen with a virtual stranger.”
“I don’t think you can say we’re strangers anymore,” she said, offering him a smile.
He didn’t smile but nodded and pulled some more tissues from the box. Garner wiped his face and blew his nose.
“First, thanks again for being here. Second, I’m sorry for all the bad press you’ve gotten over the past several weeks. As you’ve probably strongly suspected by now, all that stuff about you and Mercer came straight out of my campaign. There, I said it.”
Now it was her turn to fall into a nasty mixture of emotions. “You did that? You started those lies about me?” she asked, but not in an accusing voice. Cara was deeply hurt.
Garner nodded. “I’m ashamed to say I did. Someone came to me with a rumor that they thought you and Drake had gotten together in the springtime, at some event in Littleham.”
“As long as you’re in the mood for true confessions, I’d like to know just who told you that.”
Garner placed the tissue box on a table next to his chair. “Fair enough. But understand that the person who told me this only did it in passing and not in a hurtful way. He mentioned something to me, saying he was confused about when you and Mercer got together.”
“So who squealed?” she asked again.
Garner smiled, the first time she’d seen him look halfway amused since she arrived. “Are you saying there’s something to it?”
She shut her eyes, wondering whether to reveal something so personal as the first time she kissed Drake. When she’d had to tell Elizabeth the same information, her attorney had to pull the tale out of her at length and with difficulty.
“Never mind,” she finally heard him say. She opened her eyes to see that Garner had lapsed back into a solemn state. “But I’ll tell you my side of it. Cord Bilton mentioned something to me. He was up here in Franklin County on some case—not before me but the other circuit judge—and I saw him, invited him to lunch. We started talking politics and the Court of Appeals seat. He brought up how you had recently recused from all of Mercer’s—”
“Could you please call him Drake?”
“Yes, of course. I’m sorry,” Garner said. “Anyway, Cord said he saw where you’d recused and wondered what the deal was. He said he’d been at something at Commonwealth Cooperage back in April or May and had seen you two arriving together. Said you looked tense, like you were angry at each other. He had the idea that you two were together but had had some kind of lovers’ spat.”
“Not what happened,” Cara said.
“Care to elaborate?” he asked, laughing.
She was just a little bit too tired and angry to put up with the teasing, especially about Drake. On the very tip of her tongue was the taunt Care to elaborate about what happened between you and Nina Cain? but she held back.
“Only to tell you that Drake Mercer and I did not start dating until July, like I’ve always said. That’s the truth.”
“I believe you,” he said, “not that it matters.”
“It does matter because you can tell your cronies to call off the dogs.”
“Won’t be necessary.” He leaned back into his seat, once more looking inexpressibly tired and sad.
“Necessary? You mean the rumor’s so far gone that it’s already done the damage you need it to do?”
“Not what I meant at all,” he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “And I’m sorry that rumor hurt you—and Drake. What I meant is that I don’t need anything any longer for some stupid campaign for the Court of Appeals seat.”
“Because you think it’s yours for the asking?”
“No, because I don’t want the damn job anymore. I’ve told the governor and the nominating committee to remove my name from contention. I’ve got something else I need to take care of instead of running after my ambitions—or the ambitions of others.” He pointed to the playpen where his daughter still slept. “She’s my only priority now.”
“You… You’re not going to run?”
“I’m not going to run, not going to accept the appointment if for some crazy reason I still get it. I can’t do it. I just can’t deal right now.” His head dropped forward, and she sensed he was again on the verge of tears. She noticed for the first time the formula stains on Garner’s shirt and realized Ruby had spit up on her daddy in several places.
“Are you sure?”
“You’re questioning my decision? Really? I thought you’d be ecstatic.”
“Not when I see someone before me looking so defeated in his decision. How could I take any kind of satisfaction in that?”
He stared at her, mouth open, looking as though he could not comprehend what she was saying.
“Then take satisfaction from my words. You’re a better person and judge than I’ll ever be. How you can come here today and offer me condolences and an olive branch, even after everything that’s happened is completely beyond me. But then that’s the difference between us, I guess. I just don’t understand how you could do that. I’m not that guy.”
“Garner, don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“And there you go again, being all nice! You need to be on that court not me, and I’ll tell the governor that should he ask.”
She wasn’t sure how to respond but figured gratitude was never a bad choice. “Thanks.”
“Back atcha.”
They sat staring at each other for a few seconds until Garner held out his arms to her, and they briefly hugged again.
Garner suddenly stood and faced the windows. The sky was now almost impenetrably gray, the house surrounded by a thick fog.
“How do I get through this?” he asked, glancing briefly at his child.
“You just do. For Ruby. And that thing about one day at a time? Sounds corny, but that’s the only thing that really works. If you start to worry about everything you have to do, everything you have to be, you’ll get overwhelmed really fast. You’ll still do that. You won’t be able to stop yourself. But try to recognize it when it happens and back away.”
“Everything looks different,” he said, staring at the vacantness of the window. “It’s almost like when we brought the baby home. I remember coming back to the house with her for the first time, and once she was here,” he said, gesturing to the playpen and turning around, “it was like I knew it was the same place, but I saw it through new eyes. It was a world where my child now lived, and nothing would be the same again. And now it’s a world where my wife isn’t around,” he said, choking on the last words. “And I can’t make it better, I can’t fix it, I can’t be both mother and father to her, despite what some people tell me I can or should do.”
Garner pinched the spot between his eyes and swallowed hard.
Cara stood and walked to Garner’s side but didn’t look at him as he fought to keep a modicum of composure.
“Everything changes, Garner. Sometimes at a pace and with a level of pain and sacrifice we think we can’t endure. But we can endure. I don’t know that I can say I’ve thrived over these past few years, but just surviving them—well, for me, that’s been my triumph, as well as finding someone again to share my life. And ignore those idiots that tell you what you need to be. Just be there for your daughter. That’s all you need to do. And that’s something well within your power.”
“So you found someone… I guess that’s
Drake?” he asked, looking sideways at her.
“Well… We’ve not been seeing each other since all this came out,” she stammered, then walked away and over to the playpen.
“You broke up with Drake because of the stupid rumor I helped get out there?”
“We’re not broken up. Just not seeing each other. Evidentiary concerns since my ethics complaint is still pending,” she said, not turning to face him but keeping her eyes upon Ruby.
She felt his hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Cara. If there’s anything I can do about that, like write the Judicial Conduct Commission or—”
“You’ve got enough to worry about, Garner,” she said.
But more importantly, Cara didn’t want him interfering in any way with the pending complaint lest someone accuse her of trying to curry favor with him. Despite the mending of fences that had gone on between them, she was still wary even if he might try to help her out.
He apologized for not offering her anything to eat or drink.
“Although the most I can probably offer you in the drink department is tap water, unless you like the taste of formula.”
She declined and said she needed to go. Garner walked her to the front door where they stood in the foyer.
“This may sound strange, but do you blame yourself in any way for what happened?” he asked hesitantly. “Because I feel like it’s my fault I’m in this situation.”
“No, I can say I never felt any guilt,” she said, thinking his question odd.
“But I do. I feel like this is some kind of divine retribution for me being an asshole.”
“Why would you blame yourself for your wife’s death when you’re not the only one who suffers that loss? What about your wife’s family? Your daughter? They’re blameless and surely so are you unless you’re going to tell me you were driving the truck that caused the accident.”
“No, but it feels like it’s my fault because Penny went out that night because I didn’t want to. We were out of diapers and a few other things, and I’d been on the bench all day in some stupid assault case and—”
She grabbed his upper arms and gave him a shake.
“Stop it. Just stop it. So you were too tired to go out. Boy, can I completely relate to that,” she said with an eye roll, thinking how tired she was some days getting off the bench. “Stop blaming yourself.”
But as she looked again at Garner, she remembered that grief was unique and that his remorse about his wife’s death was not something with which she could empathize. It wasn’t that she wasn’t sorry for him; his plight was truly tragic.
It was just that she hadn’t the slightest bit of guilt about Todd’s death. Far from it.
“Cara?” Garner asked, snapping her from her reverie.
“Sorry, thinking about… how hard it can be, and how it’s so easy to fall into a nasty chain of what ifs. Just know that what has happened to you is not of your making. But how you react and choose to live your life from here most certainly is. And you need to make that life not just for yourself but for Ruby.”
“I know, I know. I just need more people telling me that.”
“Call me. I’ll be glad to do that on a regular basis and free of charge, although I’d be more than happy to accept a free lunch on occasion as an honorarium,” she joked as Garner opened the door. She peeked outside through the outer glass door and saw that the rain had stopped, but the fog was still thick. Squinting, she saw a car parked several yards away at the curb. “Looks like you have more company,” she said, nodding toward the street. “I’ll be on my way.”
Garner turned and looked out the door, and Cara saw shock spread across his face. When she again glanced outside, she saw the car she had previously spotted pulling away quickly and disappearing into the gloom.
“Looks like you didn’t have a guest after all,” she said.
“No, looks like she… I mean, whoever it was is gone.”
Cara suspected Garner knew the identity of the visitor who didn’t stay. But she didn’t question him, and simply gave him a hug before placing her hand on the latch of the outer glass door.
“Take care,” she said, letting herself out as Garner caught the door and held it open.
“Same to you. Thank you. And I’m serious. If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.”
“Just take care of your girl.”
He smiled broadly at the mention of his daughter, and Cara’s heart melted.
“That’s a promise,” he said, his voice thick with emotion as his eyes scanned the street behind her.
19
“It’s Thanksgiving, Cara,” nagged Vera. “Relent. Invite him over. If it makes you feel any better, I won’t leave you two alone.”
“Great. I’m a widowed mother in my thirties, and I still need a chaperone.”
Cara had explained her reasoning for keeping Drake at bay was because of the stupid ethics complaint and the remote but horrible possibility he might be forced to testify against her. Her mother understood but reasoned that if she were present, it would be less likely for Cara to “let something slip.”
Cara was talking with her mother on her cell phone shortly before a promised lunch outing with CiCi. She hadn’t spoken much with Madam Clerk the past few weeks. CiCi had been out, and Cara’s dockets in Craig and Van Winkle Counties had exploded with activity in the weeks leading up to the end of the year.
Everyone wanted to get their legal business over with so they could better enjoy the holidays and goof off. Although the people she was sentencing to stints in jail through Christmas likely didn’t appreciate her judicial efficiency.
“Just think about it,” Vera said. “I want to see that man, I know you do, and I’m sure Nate would love it.”
As much as she knew her mother was right, Cara still did not want to risk an invitation to Drake. She desperately wanted to see him, having only briefly glanced at him in the courthouses in Craig and Van Winkle Counties over the past month.
But she had maintained her resolve for weeks now, and it seemed imprudent to invite him to an intimate family gathering. She was afraid that merely being near him would completely destroy her intention to keep the necessary distance and the sacrifice of the past several weeks would be for naught.
The damned judicial conduct complaint just sat there. Elizabeth had told her that no news was good news, but Cara wondered whether the Judicial Conduct Commission was deliberately delaying a decision, doing the reverse of what she had been doing, which was trying to clean up her own docket.
Since Cara had felt the harsh glare of the press, she turned to something she could control: her courtroom. As a result, she had checked her recent efficiency statistics and had been pleased to find that she had been exceeding the state requirements for expected judicial productivity in moving cases through the system. So while some could try to knock her ethics, they’d have a harder time finding fault with her hard work. She hoped the numbers wouldn’t lie even if people did.
Garner’s announcement shortly after she had been to his house that he was no longer seeking the Court of Appeals seat was met with some fanfare although interest died down quickly. She had heard that the other attorney who had been nominated had no actual interest in the seat.
Therefore, the seat should be hers.
Nevertheless, there was no appointment announcement from the governor, and she feared something was going on behind her back either with the ethics complaint or Garner. While she’d left Garner’s home with a new level of trust for him, Cara’s cynicism ran deep. She was not beyond thinking that others could still be conspiring to get him on the Court of Appeals as a sympathy project in light of his recent terrible loss.
So life had morphed into a misery-inducing limbo, both personal and professional, with no resolution on the horizon. Mercifully, her support system had been there for her, notably Hannah, Harriet, and CiCi.
She was very much looking forward to lunch with CiCi that day. Instead of going to Over a Barrel
or The Rickhouse for lunch, CiCi had invited Cara to her home just a block away on Main Street. Cara had not shared with CiCi all the details of her conversation with Garner, although she had mentioned her trip to Frankfort and Garner’s intention not to seek the higher office.
CiCi had promised a surprise or two for lunch, and the Craig County Circuit Court Clerk certainly delivered.
“It seems as though no matter where you go this time of year, people are trying to shove turkey in your face.”
CiCi handed Cara a big steaming plate of spaghetti with meat sauce and piping hot garlic bread. Cara took a deep, appreciative sniff of her food.
“This looks wonderful. I didn’t expect you to go to all this trouble just for lunch.”
CiCi took a seat at the table across from her. “No trouble. I threw the sauce in the slow cooker before work and cooked the spaghetti last night. So it is warmed up. Sorry for that.”
“Like I’m going to complain about a hot meal on a day like this?” Cara joked, taking a bite of the garlic bread.
CiCi nodded and glanced outside, where it was spitting snow. After the two exchanged a few complaints about the weather, Cara related the tale of her meeting with Garner, including his fragile emotional state.
“I think I like him now,” confessed Cara after she’d finished her story. “He did seem transformed by what he’s going through.”
“I would certainly hope so, if for nothing else than his daughter’s sake,” sniped CiCi. “Have you heard from him since going to see him?”
Cara said she had an e-mail from him where he revealed he was taking time off the bench until after the new year.
“Wish I’d done something like that,” Cara mused. “I thought work was the way to distract myself, but all it did was exhaust me.”
“Forget Garner for a bit,” CiCi said. “Have you heard anything about the seat? And just what are you going to do about Mr. Mercer? That man is the saddest, loneliest person in Craig County. I used to love seeing him come into the office. But now he comes in with such a hangdog look, I hate to see him coming.”
Bourbon Springs Box Set: Volume III, Books 7-9 (Bourbon Springs Box Sets Book 3) Page 75