She broke down. Avantika rushed to her side and awkwardly put an arm around her. She didn’t know what to say. So she just sat there, rubbing the poor woman’s shoulder gently. It seemed to work. A few minutes later, Laxmi’s mother took a deep breath and composed herself.
‘Sorry—,’ she said, her cheeks wet with tears.
‘Is there someone I can call?’ Avantika asked, ‘The neighbours? A relative? You shouldn’t be alone, Aunty.’
She shook her head absently.
‘My sisters are coming,’ she said. ‘One from Vashi and one from Kandivali. But it will take time, you know what the traffic is like, no? They can’t come by train at their age, how many times I had told Laxmi’s father, let’s sell this place and shift somewhere that side, but no. Now look, we need our people and there’s nobody.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Mrs Swaminathan gave a half-smile through the tears and took Avantika’s hand in her own hands, soft and veined with age.
‘No, no, don’t say sorry, it’s you girls, you, Aisha, Shweta who are here right now, no? Helping us.’
‘I’m not … Shweta?’
‘She works at the hospital where … they brought Laxmi. She’s from your class, you don’t know her?’
‘Shweta … Kakkar?’ Avantika asked. ‘No. Sure. I know her.’
‘They found a wallet on the … Laxmi’s wallet, you know. Shweta saw it and she immediately called Aisha. Then Aisha came here to tell us and then Laxmi’s father went there. Aisha said he saw her and just froze. She brought him home and then went back to complete the formalities.’ Her grip tightened on Avantika’s hand and for a moment she looked as if she would break down again. But she took a deep breath instead and a faraway look came into her eyes.
‘I used to peel grapes for her, you know,’ she said, ‘when she was a baby. She couldn’t eat the skins, so I used to peel and slice each grape for her. I didn’t want her to choke, you know. So much care I took and now—’
This time, she did break down.
Avantika looked around helplessly. Then, struck by a thought, she got up from the couch. ‘Aunty, wait, I’ll get you some tea,’ she said, hurrying off to the kitchen.
It was a cowardly thing to do, but she needed to do something, anything. To help this woman and to escape the deathly silence. The kitchen was modular, done in tones of blue and grey, safe, organized and designed to appeal to upper middle-class sensibilities. Still, it meant Avantika would have to rifle through half a dozen drawers to find the tea things. Just then, her gaze fell on the stainless steel coffee filter2 next to the gas stove. She heaved a sigh of relief and set about, pouring coffee and milk into a ceramic mug.
After heating the mug in the microwave, she took it into the living room from where, to her horror, Laxmi’s mother had disappeared. Avantika had a brief moment of panic. The front door was shut. She hadn’t heard it open. Hoping, wishing, praying that she’d find her in one of the bedrooms, Avantika headed that way. She found Laxmi’s mother sitting on the bed in Laxmi’s room, a vacant expression on her face.
‘Aunty?’ Avantika whispered, touching her shoulder gently.
She seemed to snap out of a daze. With an empty smile, she looked at the cup in Avantika’s hands, as if not sure what it was. Avantika eased it into her hands, gently urging her to drink as she sat on the bed beside her. A few moments passed. Avantika’s gaze fell on the dhurrie on the floor. It had a black and red Aztec pattern on it. She was studying the weave, when Laxmi’s mother spoke again.
‘It doesn’t make sense,’ she said, in a bemused voice. ‘Why did she run away like that? And that SMS. It doesn’t make sense.’
Don’t pry, Avantika told herself, don’t say anything, don’t say—
‘What SMS?’ she asked.
‘Her SMS,’ Laxmi’s mother murmured, as if speaking to herself. ‘The day she left, we got an SMS from her. Same message on both our phones. “Appa will never let me marry who I want to, so I’m going away”, it said. Why would she think—?’ she trailed off.
‘Was she seeing someone Uncle didn’t like?’ Avantika asked.
Laxmi’s mother shook her head absently. ‘No. I don’t know. When he saw the SMS, he got angry and deleted it. Then he deleted it from my phone also and told me never to bring up the topic again.’
Avantika nodded. Laxmi’s father had a legendary temper. Whenever she had visited Laxmi in the past, if her father was home, the two girls would invariably hang out in Laxmi’s room as quietly as possible, with the door closed. The thought of this man, whom she was once scared of, being reduced to tears and rendered speechless, upset Avantika in a way she couldn’t describe. She glanced at Laxmi’s mother. She was sitting with the mug in her hands, the untouched coffee going cold, her eyes devoid of emotion.
‘Aunty, do you want me to check where your sisters have reached? If you can give me the numbers, I’ll make the calls.’
‘No, no, you sit. I’ll call them myself.’
And with that, she got off the bed and walked out of the room.
Avantika looked around, trying to find something familiar. This room too had been revamped, since she had last been here. The Madonna poster was gone, as was the ancient wooden almirah where Laxmi used to keep her clothes. In its place was a snazzy wardrobe that covered an entire wall and reached the ceiling. The wooden shelves that once served as Laxmi’s own little library had been replaced with floating glass shelves, more in keeping with the modern decor. Only Laxmi’s old wooden study desk remained, with the Angelpoise lamp on it.
It was the only reminder of the time she had spent in this room. Now, as she walked to the desk, it all came back to her. Laxmi giggling while drawing a caricature of Mrs Gupta, their geography teacher. Laxmi listening intently as she, Avantika practised the speech she had prepared for the inter-school elocution competition. Laxmi solemnly reading out the poems she had written herself. Gossiping with Laxmi, confiding in her, laughing hysterically over the Mills & Boons they’d found at the local raddiwala3. She felt her eyes moisten, as she touched the edge of the desk. The wood was stained with rings left by decades of coasterless coffee mugs. But unlike their school desks, with their endless doodles done in ink and the sharp edge of a geometry compass, Laxmi’s desk was pristine. It seemed almost out of place among the steel and laminate of the rest of the furniture in the room.
Avantika wondered why it hadn’t been replaced like the rest of the old furniture. The answer came to her in a sudden spark of memory. They had been sitting in Laxmi’s room and talking about how the fundamental rights they had been taught about in civics class, did not include a right to privacy. Avantika, whose family had lived in a one-bedroom house at the time, was all for privacy. Laxmi had sympathized. Then, her eyes shining, she had asked her if she wanted to see something cool. And without waiting for an answer, she had …
Avantika stared at the desk for a long moment.
1994
‘Wo-ow’, Avantika said, her mouth open, ‘This is like something in a Nancy Drew book!’
Laxmi had just fiddled under the desk and a hidden panel—an actual hidden panel!—had slid out from the side! It was quite shallow really, more like a tray than a drawer. Avantika grazed her finger along its sides. She couldn’t believe these things existed! It was like finding a baby dragon inside a chivda box.
‘What do you keep inside it?’ she asked.
‘Oh, just things I don’t want Amma-Appa to find out,’ Laxmi said with an impish grin.
Avantika shook her head in wonder.
She had stopped over on the way to their tuition class. She and Laxmi went for maths tuitions to Thyagarajan aunty’s place on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Aunty lived in the building next to Laxmi’s so it was convenient to have a quick after-school snack at her place before sinking into the marshlands of mathematics. They had just finished some delicious chilli-cheese toast that Laxmi’s mom had made, and their steel plates and glasses stood on the desk, waiting to be taken ba
ck to the kitchen.
‘Do your parents know about it?’ Avantika asked.
‘I don’t think so,’ Laxmi said. ‘They’ve never asked me about it. Appa bought the desk from some old furniture shop, for cheap. I don’t think the shopwalla also knew, otherwise he would have told Appa, no?’
Avantika stared at the desk. It looked so ordinary. But a secret panel!
‘I wish I had a desk like this,’ she said, looking at it longingly. ‘I’d hide my maths test paper in it.’ She didn’t mention the photo of Aamir Khan that she had cut out of her cousin’s Filmfare. She needed a good hiding place for that too.
Laxmi laughed.
‘It’s not that bad, Avanti,’ she said, ‘I’m sure Uncle-Aunty won’t scold you very much.’
Avantika made a face. ‘We’re never going to use half the things they teach us in maths, once we get out of school.’
‘We’re not going to use poems in real life either, but we still have to study them,’ Laxmi said, sitting sideways on the chair, dangling her feet.
‘That’s okay,’ Avantika said.
Laxmi stuck her tongue out at her. ‘Ya, ya, because you’re good at it it’s okay.’
Avantika threw a pillow at her. It missed Laxmi but hit a steel glass on the desk, which fell to the floor with a clang. Avantika froze. Laxmi grinned, ‘It’s okay, Appa isn’t home yet.’
Avantika breathed out, ‘I’m more scared of your father than mine.’
‘I know. Amma says he’s just in a bad mood all the time because he works so hard.’
‘When I grow up, I want a job where I can just sit and read all day. You think they have jobs like that?’
‘You could be a newsreader! They read all the time.’
‘Shee, they read such boring and depressing things. These many people died, vegetable prices have gone up. And you have to wear a saree and look serious. Who wants to do all that?’
‘Ya, that is there. Then … a librarian?’
Avantika brightened up. ‘Ae, that’s a nice one! There will be so many books all around and I just have to say “Ssshh” at people who make noise!’
‘Like that Aisha and her group,’ Laxmi said with a frown. ‘How much they were laughing in library period today!’
‘You know, at first I thought they were laughing at me.’
‘Don’t be silly, Avanti. Why would they laugh at you?’
‘I don’t know. I swear I thought that Mahira was looking at me and giggling.’
‘Mahira giggles at everything. Forget about her.’
Avantika nodded, unconvinced. ‘Which book did you take to read?’ she asked her, changing the subject.
‘First Term at Mallory Towers.’
‘Is it good?’
Laxmi’s face lit up. ‘It’s very nice! It’s about these girls at a boarding school and all the fun they have.’
‘Great. I’ll borrow it after you’re done.’
‘It’s a whole series by Enid Blyton. Do you like Enid Blyton?’
‘I love his books! Have you read the Brer Rabbit ones? They’re so funny.’
But Laxmi was laughing. ‘Enid Blyton is a woman, silly,’ she said amidst giggles.
Avantika felt stupid, so she did what she always did when she felt like that. She drew herself up and said, ‘So what? As if you know everything.’
Laxmi gave her a good-humoured grin. ‘Oh, don’t get angry.’
‘I’m not angry. Why should I get angry about some stupid book?’
‘Hey!’ Laxmi wasn’t dangling her feet anymore. ‘It’s not a stupid book. It’s better than whatever book you picked!’
‘You’re wrong!’ Avantika said, ‘Because mine is a Famous Five, not some book about some stupid boarding school.’
Laxmi frowned at her. ‘Let’s just go for tuitions, we’re getting late,’ she said quietly.
In silence, they picked up their school bags and left. Avantika was feeling angry, mostly at herself. Why had she behaved like that? She had been irritated since the library episode. She remembered the look on Mahira’s face. She’d had the expression of someone who had seen someone else do something … naughty. And she’d definitely been laughing when Avantika was reading her book. But why? Was it the book? But no, that couldn’t be it. You’d have to have a really dirty mind to find something naughty about Five Visit Billycock Hill.
Four
Avantika reached under the desk. At first she felt nothing, but a little grappling led her to a smooth wooden knob, roughly the size of a dice. She gave it an experimental twist, then another. And then suddenly, there it was. The hidden panel. It had been empty when Laxmi had shown it to her all those years ago. There was a slim, leather-bound notebook in it now. Avantika stared at it, not sure if she wanted to open it. It could be anything. A doodle-pad. An address book. It could even be blank. But even as she thought this, a part of her knew it was all nonsense. This was a secret panel. It wasn’t a place to keep a blank book. It was a place to keep your secrets.
She picked the notebook up. The pages were made from a thick parchment kind of paper. And the leather cover seemed to be cut by hand. The binding, too seemed raw, as if someone had stitched it by hand. It didn’t look or feel like anything that could be bought in a shop. She opened it. The first page was a dedication.
LAXMI.
YOU ARE MY ONLY LOVE,
MY ONLY HOPE,
MY ONLY REASON TO LIVE.
AJAY
Avantika raised an eyebrow. Heavy stuff. Whoever Ajay was, he seemed to have it bad for Laxmi. She turned the page. This one had Laxmi’s familiar spidery scrawl.
TO AJAY
You walk with grace
On the face
Of my mind
And my glad eyes
Follow although
They know
It’s unwise.
She scanned the pages quickly, without really reading them. Each page had a poem, dedicated to Ajay. Yes, she thought, Laxmi was definitely seeing someone. Or had been seeing someone, a man she felt very deeply for. Does he know what’s happened? And here, a dangerous thought began to form in her mind. Did he have something to do with it? Avantika closed the notebook and was wondering whether to tell Laxmi’s mom about it, when the bell rang.
Probably Aunty’s sisters, she thought. There was some murmuring and then, a shocked voice said, ‘What? Where is she?’
Avantika knew that voice. She had heard it not very long ago, at a press conference she hadn’t wanted to attend. Avantika knew she had seconds to spare before Aisha barged into the room and found her standing there, the hidden panel open and a guilty look on her face. She did what any reasonable person would do at a time like this.
She froze for a whole two seconds.
Then, her instincts shot a dirty look at her brain and jumped into action. She snapped the hidden panel shut and was about to punch the air when she realized that notebook was still in her hand. Swearing under her breath, she looked around for someplace to hide it. She could hear footsteps just outside the room. She shoved the notebook in her bag and grabbed an old magazine lying on the desk. Then, with studied nonchalance, she pretended to read the cover.
‘What. Are. You. Doing. Here.’
Avantika looked up from the cover and feigned surprise. ‘Oh hey, Aisha,’ she said.
‘Don’t.’ Aisha said coldly. ‘Why are you here?’
‘I heard about Laxmi and—’
‘And you thought wow, what a scoop. Designer’s best friend found dead.’
Avantika flinched as if she had been slapped. ‘What the … who thinks like that? Are you fucking nuts?’
‘So why you here then?’
‘Because … God. I don’t know, I couldn’t believe it, I wanted to … I was hoping I’d come here and find out that it was some terrible misunderstanding or something.’
‘You expect me to believe that?’
‘She was my friend too, Aisha.’
‘Was.’
‘Hey, lo
ok—’
‘No, you look. She’s gone, okay? It’s real. And it doesn’t involve you.’
‘But—’
‘Who told you, anyway?’
‘Your brother,’ replied Avantika. ‘I had gone to your place for our interview and—’
‘Dhruv? Dhruv told you … ’ she gave a laugh, half disbelieving, half frustrated. ‘That was stupid of him. Look, fine, okay? I believe you. I believe you didn’t come here looking for a story. But now that you have one, are you going to write it? Because Uncle-Aunty don’t deserve more pain in their lives right now.’
Avantika looked at her suspiciously. Genuine consideration for other people’s lives and feelings? Who was this person and where had the real Aisha gone?
‘I agree,’ she said.
‘Good, good,’ Aisha said, running her hands through her hair nervously. ‘So this won’t get out then?’
‘Not under my by-line,’ Avantika said.
‘Thank you,’ said Aisha.
Avantika nodded. ‘Let me know if you need any help with … you know … things. The funeral and stuff.’
And now, we wait for a polite ‘fuck off’, she thought. Mistakenly, as it turned out.
‘There won’t be a funeral as such. We’re taking her to Chandanwadi. Electric crematorium. Eco-friendly. Laxmi would’ve wanted that.’
Avantika raised her eyebrows. She didn’t remember Laxmi as much of a green warrior. People change, she told herself. And remember, you’ve been out of touch for years. You don’t know what she is like now. Was. She cringed inwardly and turned to leave. Halfway to the door, she turned around.
‘How did it happen?’ she asked Aisha. ‘I’m not asking because … I’m asking for me.’
Aisha’s face was blank.
‘Accident,’ she replied. ‘She fell in the sea.’
Avantika nodded absently and left. It was only when she reached her parked scooter that she realized that she was still holding the magazine from Laxmi’s room. And that Laxmi’s secret notebook was inside her bag.
‘Don’t you have any work?’ Uday asked in wonder.
Swear You Won't Tell? Page 4