by Tillie Cole
I held my breath as he spoke those words. No! I tried to tell Zaal with my eyes, but his eyes were firmly focused on Jakhua.
Several seconds passed in silence. Zaal then got to his feet. He took a step closer. Then his eyes met mine. I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring down my cheeks as I read the resignation in his face.
Without taking his eyes from me, Zaal agreed, “I’ll come with you. I’ll go back on your drug. And I won’t resist, just let Talia live.”
My face contorted with the same amount of pain I felt crash through my body. Jakhua abruptly stepped back, the knife removed from my throat. “Your papa would be ashamed of you, 221. Fucking a Tolstoi. Like some fucked-up Romeo and Juliet shit.”
Zaal stepped forward, ignoring Jakhua, and I shook my head. “No!” I cried, my throat rasping with the rawness of my cries. “Please! You can’t go back. You can’t let him do that to you again!”
Zaal’s nostrils flared. His face paled with sadness. He stepped closer. I pushed his warm palm against my cheek. “I will gladly go, to save you. To let you live.”
I shook my head again, but I could see the deep resolve in his eyes. “No, Zaal. They’ll take away your thoughts. They’ll steal your memories again. They’ll make you kill again. You’ll be back living in darkness! I can’t, you can’t, please…”
“But you will live,” he whispered. My heart tore as I heard the break in his deep rasp. He didn’t want this. He wanted to be free, he deserved to be free.
“Zaal—”
“I will happily give up my life for yours.” His eyebrows pulled down in devastation. “I cannot imagine a world without you in it, you brought me the sun. I can live in darkness again knowing that you are shining here on the outside.”
Racking sobs tumbled from my mouth, their severity bruising my empty lungs. Zaal closed in, and with the gentlest of touches, he pressed his lips against mine. The pain from my split lip hit my face, but I didn’t care. I never ever wanted to break from this kiss.
Zaal pulled back, pressing his forehead to mine, as if he was committing this touch to memory, a memory he would lose as soon as he was injected with that fucking serum again. I couldn’t stand the thought.
“You deserve to live,” I whispered.
Zaal’s lips spread into a sad smile. “I have lived, Talia. In the short time I have known you, I have lived more than I could ever have dreamed.” His eyes stared at mine. “I have lived only because of you. I have … I have gained a full heart, a full heart for you.”
I closed my eyes at the pain of this moment, of his acceptance of this fate. Suddenly he was ripped away. Snapping my eyes back open, I watched in horror as the guards dragged him away toward the stairs.
I thrashed in my chains, trying to get free. Zaal shook his head, telling me to stop. Stilling, and unable to breathe, I stopped. I watched as they approached the stairs.
Mustering the last of my raspy voice, I shouted, “Zaal!”
He turned his face as he reached the bottom step and, with his hand on his heart and tears in his eyes, he said, “You are … for me.”
With those words the final dagger pierced my heart. I knew I’d be ruined for life. As Zaal began his ascent, I met his eyes, and declared in a hoarse voice, “I am … for you.”
Zaal swallowed, closed his eyes, and as the guards forced him up the stairs he disappeared from view.
All energy drained, a crippling grief sweeping through my body, I sagged in the tight chains, sagged and cried, cried until darkness claimed me, and I could cry no more.
18
TALIA
“Down here!”
I stirred from sleep on hearing a male voice shout upstairs. I heard the rush of feet. Footsteps stormed down the steps to the basement.
I was aching, in pain, and my head throbbed.
“Shit! Talia!” I heard. Cracking my bruised eyes open, Luka ran my way. Luka and Mikhail, and byki, lots of byki.
“Luka.” My mouth formed the word, but my throat felt like it was filled with razors.
“Get her down!” Luka ordered. I smiled in my head, my lips too weak to make the gesture. He sounded like a leader, finally like the man he was born to be.
A sudden pain shot through my body as I was freed from my chains. Every muscle in my body screamed as the blood began to fill them, forcing them back to life.
Strong arms held me and lifted me off the floor. Something was put to my lips. Cool water immediately filled my mouth. I struggled to swallow through a raw throat, but I forced myself. I had to tell Luka about Jakhua, about Zaal. I had to save him. Luka had to save him.
“Get her robe!” Luka called. I heard footsteps on the stairs as someone obeyed his order.
Luka poured the water over my face. A towel followed as he cleaned my face, the soft material feeling like stabbing needles.
Luka’s hand pushed my bloodied hair back from my face, and he asked, “Talia? Are you okay?”
My eyes widened and filled with water. My body jerked. I tried to move. I needed to move. We needed to save Zaal.
“No,” Luka said as my body arched with pain. “You need to wait. Your body needs time to adjust.”
Looking into Luka’s brown eyes, I cried, and rasped, “He took him. He came and took him from me.”
Luka’s face darkened. He pulled me to his chest. “I’ll get him, Talia. This I promise you.”
“But he is going to drug him again. Zaal agreed to be the prototype again, to save my life.” Luka lowered me until I could see his face, his face torn with pain. “He saved me, Luka. Traded my life for his.”
Just then, a byki came with my robe. Luka ordered them all out of the basement. My eyes widened, and I asked, “Savin and Ilya?”
Luka’s eyes narrowed. “Shot.”
My stomach fell. “Are they … dead?”
Luka shook his head. “No. They’re not in good shape, but they’re on their way to the hospital. They should be okay.”
Luka helped me to stand, my legs aching as I tried to balance on my own. But Luka never let me fall. Instead he helped me dress, then lifted me in his arms.
As we made for the stairs, I asked, “You’re going to save him, right? I don’t, I don’t think I could live without him.”
Luka stopped. Looking me straight in the eyes, he said, “I already have men, trustworthy men, finding out where Jakhua’s taking Zaal. We have men on the inside, rats in his crew. It shouldn’t be long. He left himself too open risking this visit to retrieve Zaal. His tracks are already being traced. And as soon as we know where the fucker’s crawled off to, I’m gonna fucking storm the place and kill every last piz’da there.”
I swallowed at seeing my brother so violent. But right now, for the first time, I welcomed it. I wanted it.
Only Luka, Luka who used be known as Raze, could free Zaal.
* * *
As we approached my parents’ house a few hours later, I opened the door and ran into the hallway. Everyone was in the living room; Mama, Kisa, Papa, and the Pakhan. As I hurried into the living room on still-shaky feet, my mama jumped up and her face turned white.
“Talia … my girl,” she cried, and ran toward me taking me in her arms. She gripped me so tightly I flinched. Hearing my quick inhale of breath, Mama pulled back. Her hand lifted and skirted over my face. “Talia, what did that man do to you?”
“I’m fine, Mama.” I rubbed the top of her arms, and walked around her to face my father and Kirill. “Jakhua came to the house.” I swallowed, my throat still sore. I said, “They took Zaal. He took Zaal again. He’s going to use him for the drugs again.”
Someone entered the room, and when Kisa jumped from the sofa, I knew it was Luka. But my eyes stayed on my father. “Papa, we have to go and get him.”
My father stood, as did Kirill. My father walked forward and took me in his arms. “We’ll kill, Jakhua, Talia. He’ll pay. He’s fucked with the Bratva for the last time. Touching my daughter was the last thing he will ever do.”
I pulled back, my body sagging in relief. “And Zaal?” I asked. My father’s face clouded over. My relief soon turned into dread.
“The Kostava is not our business. With Jakhua gone he’ll find his own way.”
Blood rushed so fast through my body, I could hear nothing but its pulse in my ears. As I looked up to my father, he had turned to Kirill. They were speaking in hushed whispers.
Anger seeped into my bones, and shaking, I shouted, “No!”
My father and Kirill turned to face me. My father looked at me in surprise. “No!” I repeated. “You have to save Zaal.”
My father’s face remained unmoved. I knew that silent expression. It was still a no. “Papa,” I argued, “he saved me! Jakhua had a knife to my fucking throat. He was going to kill me, out of hatred for you. But Zaal gave his life for me, he didn’t even hesitate. He was willing to give up his freedom for me!” My father shook his head, and before he could speak, I confessed, “I love him.”
The room hushed to a tense silence. My shocking confession hung in the air. My eyes were to the ground, but I forced them up to look into my father’s face, his face that was filled with disappointment and shock. “I love him,” I said again, pride filling my bones. I stepped forward. “And he loves me, too.”
“You fell for the Kostava?” my father said in disbelief.
I lifted my head and said, “He’s not just a Kostava. His name is Zaal. Zaal who, along with his brother, was taken by Levan Jakhua, and forced to watch the massacre of his family as a child. A child who was forced to be a slave for Jakhua for over twenty years. Zaal is not just a Kostava. He’s the perceived enemy who just sacrificed himself to save your only daughter!”
I panted from exertion. I heard my mama sniffing behind me. I turned to face her. “I love him, Mama,” I said with a trembling voice. “We have to save him. There’s no other choice for me.”
My mother looked over my shoulder at my father. I followed her gaze. He was livid. “No daughter of mine will be with a Kostava! I won’t accept it.” His voice lowered. “And I won’t risk my men rescuing a man from that family!”
Pain shattered my heart. I stumbled back. “Then you’ll lose a daughter,” I said, and meant every word. I watched as my papa’s angry expression faded into shock.
“Talia…,” he whispered. I shook my head, cutting off whatever he was about to say.
“No, he’s my everything. I won’t let him trade his life for mine, and do nothing to help. Don’t you think that a man who would sacrifice his own life in place of another’s deserves to be saved?”
Kirill stepped from behind my father and confirmed, “We will kill Jakhua, Talia, but we won’t send our men in for this man. Ivan’s right. We’ve already lost too many men in this fucking street war. I won’t risk more.” I stared at the Pakhan. And I knew that was that. His word was final.
I didn’t know what else to do.
But then Luka stepped further into the room and stopped beside me.
“Then risk me,” Luka stated. My head snapped up to see my brother’s hard face meeting that of our father and Kirill’s.
Kirill’s eyes narrowed. Father stepped forward. “Luka, we spoke about this—”
“I’m not Alik Durov,” he said coldly, cutting off our father’s words.
Father tensed, and Luka added, “And I’m not the Luka you knew. I’m someone new. Someone the gulag created. I can’t and won’t leave Zaal to suffer at that man’s hands again. His brother saved me. Nothing you say will stop me from feeling a kinship toward him.” Luka’s face hardened, and he emphasized, “I don’t give a fuck that he’s a Kostava. I don’t give a fuck if you won’t risk any of our men for him. Because I’m going in, and I’m stronger and more effective in the kill than twenty of our men put together.
“Zaal knew nothing of his family. He isn’t his father. He didn’t kill dedushka. But his brother saved my life, and he saved Talia’s.” He laughed sardonically. “So that family you hate so much, the Kostavas, the great ‘Tolstoi enemy’ have saved both of your children. And without Anri and Zaal, we would both be dead. You’d have no heirs to your fucking throne.”
My father blanched, and Luka, looking every inch a Bratva pakhan, added, “I was locked in a cage, mind fucked, incessantly raped, and made to fucking kill. There is no way that I’m leaving Zaal to that same fate. He was taken as a child and forced in every way like me. And just like me, he won’t ever be that boy who was captured. That boy was made into someone else, just like me. He’ll forever be Zaal Kostava and 221, just like I will always be Luka Tolstoi, and 818. A part of me will always be Raze. And nothing will ever fucking change that.”
Luka looked down at me. “I’ll get him out, Tal. I swear it to you, as your brother, and as your knayz.”
Luka turned to leave, when my father stepped forward. Luka stilled.
“Luka,” our father said, and cleared his throat. “I am proud of you in this moment. I am so very proud.”
The Pakhan nodded in agreement, and lifted his chin. “You sound like a true knayz, Luka. I’ve been waiting to see this rise in you. Who knew it would have been a Kostava that inspired this change.”
Luka swallowed, and reaching for Kisa’s hand, silently led her out of the door, to their house three doors down.
The room was stifled and tense, and I could feel a shift in atmosphere. Getting to my feet, I walked into my mother’s waiting arms, when my father came forward. I braced for his wrath, for his judgment and disappointment. Instead, he took me in his arms and pressed a kiss to my head.
With glossy eyes, he stepped back. “I couldn’t have lost you, too, Talia,” he said gruffly, causing my resolve to crack. I pulled back, but my father turned away, and dismissed my mother and I with a wave of his hand.
My mother took me from the living room and into my bedroom. As the door shut, she sat beside me on my bed. Reaching out, I took her hand and asked, “What now?”
Mother sighed, and with the experienced strength of a true Bratva wife, she said, “We wait, Talia. We sit calmly, and we wait.”
19
LUKA
The minute we entered our house, I walked into the living room and began to pace. I was going in. I was going in to the Jakhua hideout for Zaal.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kisa sit down on the sofa, her fingernails in her mouth. Her face was directed toward the window, but I could see by her body language that she was stressed.
She was completely lost in her thoughts.
I focused on my wife, panicking at what she could be thinking, then I thought over the task I was about to undertake. I was going to murder Jakhua and anyone else from his clan that got in my way.
I was going to do this, and I knew how Kisa felt about me fighting. I knew she hated it, but Zaal needed me to save him. Talia needed this. Anri needed this. And I needed to get Anri’s revenge once and for all.
I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing. I didn’t know how to balance my need to kill, and what was best for my wife. It was hurting my head. It was making it difficult to breathe.
Hearing Kisa move from the sofa, I opened my eyes to see her making her way toward me. My wife stopped right before me, her face unreadable, and she took my hand in hers. I looked down at our linked hands, and then straight into her eyes.
I was so afraid of what she would say.
“Sit with me, lyubov moya,” Kisa said as she led me to the couch. She sat down, and I did, too. Kisa’s hand was tight in mine. She pulled me in close and pressed a kiss to my lips.
Kisa moaned as I pushed my tongue into her mouth, loving her sweet taste hitting my throat. But then she pulled away, her eyes instantly downcast. My head tilted to the side as I stared at my wife. I had no idea what she was thinking.
Taking a deep breath, Kisa brought our joined hands to her lap, her free hand making small circles on the back of my hand.
The room was silent, apart from our strained breathing. I wondered if she wanted m
e to explain why I agreed to this tonight, if that’s what she was waiting for. I shifted trying to think of something to say, how to put my feelings into words, but before I could, Kisa said, “It’s funny.” I stilled as she spoke, then she laughed a humorless laugh. “When I was young, I used to think that love conquered all.” Kisa’s hand shook in mine, and I edged closer to Kisa’s side.
She lifted her head, her blue eyes meeting my brown. “But I now know this isn’t true.”
I took a deep breath at her confession, and fear filled my body. Was she…? Was she done with me? Was she telling me she’d had enough of me?
Lifting her hand, Kisa ran a finger under my left eye. I couldn’t speak as I watched her eyes glisten with tears.
Pushing my hand into her long brown hair, Kisa gave me a weak smile and squeezed my hand. “I now know that love conquers most. And I’m okay with that—most.” She shrugged. “No one on this planet is perfect, Luka. So it shouldn’t surprise me that no one can take away all their lover’s demons. That I can’t make you free of your painful past. I can’t make you into the carefree boy you were as a child.” I didn’t dare move as Kisa kept speaking. She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on my cheek. “But I can hold you when those demon’s rise. And I can chase them away with a kiss, with a touch, by making love.”
“Kisa…,” I whispered, unsure what to say in response. Her words, what she was saying, they meant everything to me. Kisa placed my finger over my lips, and shaking her head, cut me off.
“I love you, Luka,” she assured firmly, “and I accept the man you are now, wholeheartedly. I accept that you are the two loves of my life—you are both Luka and Raze. You’re the passionate and considerate boy from my youth, the one who would kiss me on the beach and I’d read to each night. But you are also the strong and tortured man from my present. My fierce protector. The man who saved me from a life of grief, the man who holds me in his arms all night. That man needs me just as much as he needs the air to breathe.” I swallowed, trying to absorb every word spilling from her mouth. I tried to wrap my head around that she was finally understanding me. Expressing the way I felt inside. And accepting the man I had become—the man that was both Luka and Raze.