by Amy Cross
“Seen what?”
“The video.”
She stares at me, her eyes filled with panic.
“It's okay,” I tell her. “I get it, the damn thing is -”
“All I saw was some screen-grabs,” she blurts out. “I'm sorry, Anna, I didn't mean to -”
“It's fine.”
“They were just on this tech site,” she continues, almost as if she's panicking. “They ran a news story about the video leaking online, but the shots were totally, like, pixelated in places to cover your face and...” She pauses. “It was just shots from when you were sitting around by some camp-fire, they didn't show anything from the bad parts.”
“Huh.” Leading her through to the kitchen, I'm momentarily gripped by the urge to scream. Still, that urge fades quickly, and as I set the kettle on to boil I realize that in some weird way I actually feel relieved. I knew the video would get out there, and at least now it's done.
“Are you okay?”
I turn to her. “I'm fine.”
“Being fine in a situation like this is definitely not fine,” she tells me.
“I found my spare nose,” I point out with a forced smile. “I guess it's not spare anymore. I've ordered a new spare one online. The company that makes them already has a scan of -”
“Aren't you freaking out?”
“About what?”
She stares at me. “Well, I mean... People seeing you like that.”
“I can't change anything,” I reply. “If screaming and ranting and having some kind of breakdown would undo what happened, or even just undo the video getting out, then I'd go right ahead and scream for as long as necessary. But it won't do a damn thing, so what's the point?”
“What about -”
“I had fun the other night,” I add. “Out with you and your friends, I mean. I'm sorry I got freaked when my nose fell off. I know I probably should have eased myself into things a little more slowly, but it was still pretty cool. I learned a valuable lesson.”
I wait for her to reply, for her to say something normal, but there are tears in her eyes.
“Don't cry,” I tell her. “Please, Karen, if I'm not crying, you definitely don't get to.”
She sniffs the tears back. “I know,” she says, her voice trembling a little, “it's just... I hate everything about what's happening to you.”
“It's over,” I reply, as the kettle finishes boiling. “The video coming out was the last thing that those assholes could do to hurt me, even from beyond the grave. It would've been hanging over my head otherwise, I'd have always been wondering when it'd leak. Now I know, and I feel like there's a clean slate now.” I pause for a moment. “I think you should watch it.”
Her eyes widen with shock. “What?”
“I mean it. I think you should watch it all the way through. That way, it's over and done with. Instead of imagining what it's like, you should just watch the damn thing.”
She shakes her head. “I can't...”
“Why not?” I ask.
“No way could I ever watch it,” she stammers. “I mean, the idea... I just... No!”
“Do you want to watch it with me?” I ask.
“No!”
“There's no point hiding from it. I'm not ashamed.” That's not true. I'm very ashamed. I just feel like if I keep saying those words, eventually they'll come true.
She stares at me for a moment. “Anna, have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this?”
“Just a couple of hours ago.”
“And what did he -”
“Pretty much the same as you,” I continue, interrupting her. “I guess people want me to drop to the floor and start weeping, but that's the last thing I'm going to do. Instead, I want to just focus on the future.” I glance at the logo on her uniform. “So are there any jobs going at that hotel?”
“Jobs?”
“Work. Ways to make money.”
“But...” She pauses again. “Anna, I really don't think you should be throwing yourself into things quite so hard. I mean, do you really want to be -”
“Like a normal person?” Turning, I grab two cups, slip a tea bag into each of them, and then pour hot water. My hand is shaking, but not too much. I know I'm being a little unreasonable, but I figure I can still get out there and try to be like everyone else. Not partying, not going to pubs, but just slipping into some kind of routine. Going out the other night was a mistake, but trying to find a job is a step in the right direction. “I don't want to live with my mother forever,” I continue. “Now that really would be unhealthy. I know I need to ease into life a little more gently, and that's fine, but just a quiet, relatively easy job wouldn't be too bad. Besides, it'd be better than sitting around here with loads of time on my hands, over-thinking everything.” I slide a cup toward her. “Trust me, that's way worse. I need to keep busy.”
“But -”
“And I'm not some kind of emotional wreck,” I add. “Unless you think I'm hiding something and I'd go mad at work and smash everything up?”
She stares at me. “No,” she says finally, “I think you're... You're amazing!”
“I'm not amazing,” I tell her, stirring my tea. “I'm just me, and I refuse to let myself get crushed by what happened at the cabin. So what kind of jobs are going at the hotel?”
***
Rolling over in bed, I look across my darkened room and just about manage to see my laptop on the desk. That video file is still on the hard-disk, waiting for me to watch again.
Nearby, something creaks in the darkness.
I hold my breath.
Jennifer?
I wouldn't be surprised. I'm sure my messed-up subconscious mind is going to keep throwing up little treats for me, but in a way I'm looking forward to seeing her again. It'll give me a chance to reject her, to make a stand and show that I'm not scared anymore. I feel as if, by rejecting the idea of her presence, I can take a step forward.
Another creak.
“Everyone thinks you're so innocent,” her voice hisses in my thoughts. “What if they knew what you did after the cabin burned down?”
“I didn't do anything,” I whisper.
Instinctively, I reach over and switch on the lamp next to my bed. There's no sign of anyone in the room, of course, so I switch the lamp off again and take a deep breath. Maybe I should have accepted Doctor Lewis's offer of a prescription for sleeping pills, but the last thing I want is to end up taking loads of medication. I want to be normal, although maybe being pilled-up to the gills is normal these days.
“I didn't do anything after the cabin burned down,” I say out loud, just in case someone can hear me. “I just walked away.”
Another creak in the darkness.
This time, I don't touch the lamp. Instead, I lean over to my desk and grab my laptop. I have to watch a little more of that goddamn video, just to put my mind at rest. Opening the lid, I bring up the video player and grab my headphones. This is my final act of closure. Once I've seen the video all the way from the first frame to the last, I won't have to think about it again.
Once I've started the playback from the beginning, I force myself to keep my eyes fixed on the screen as I watch myself being picked up at the airport. I still feel as if I was horribly naive back then, but I'm feeling less and less angry. There's no way I could have expected what was going to happen at the cabin. Really, watching the video again is a cathartic act, something that'll really be good for my mental health.
Just this one time, and then it's over forever.
Seven
“There's really not much more to it,” Mr. Rice explains as he leads me along the wood-paneled corridor that connects the hotel's dining room to the reception area. “A lot of your job will be common sense, really. I always say that in any walk of life, if you have common sense, you'll get along just fine.”
“I want to thank you again for the opportunity,” I tell him. “I know I don't have much experience, but -”
“We're
a family-owned business,” he replies, putting a friendly hand on my shoulder. “Karen gave you a glowing recommendation, and you strike me as someone with the potential to really grow within our company. We prioritize promotions from within, so if you work hard and show some initiative, there's really no limit to what you might achieve. I have a sixth sense when it comes to new hires, Anna, and I can tell that you're going to be an excellent addition to our team.”
Spotting Karen at the reception desk, I can't help but smile. This whole situation feels so normal and ordinary, I'm almost ready to burst into tears.
“And now,” Mr. Rice adds, checking his watch, “if you'll excuse me, I must dash off to a meeting. Karen will show you the ropes, and I look forward to seeing you around the place.” Shaking my hand, he smiles. “Welcome onboard, Miss Marshall. Glad to have you with us!”
“Glad to be here,” I reply, but he's already turned and started hurrying back along the corridor. Feeling a little out-of-place, I head over to the reception desk, where Karen is tapping away at her phone. Ever since I arrived a little over an hour ago, I've barely had time to take a breath.
“Don't worry about Mr. Rice,” she mutters, with her eyes glued to the screen. “This place is pretty laid-back. As you can see, it's not exactly bustling. Some days we don't have any guests at all. Like, none! God knows how the place keeps going, but I think it's some kind of family honor thing.”
“Thank you again for swinging me this job,” I reply. “This last week has been pretty intense. I swear, another day sitting around my mother's house, trying to come up with ways to fill my time... I think I'd have gone stir-crazy.”
“I wasn't just being a good friend,” she continues. “It's also useful to have someone onboard who can cover my back a little. You know, if I have to step out some time for a few minutes.” She taps at her phone again, before biting her bottom lip as she smiles.
“A guy?” I ask.
“Maybe.”
“Something serious, or just a bit of fun?”
“A serious bit of fun,” she admits, blushing slightly. “You know how it is, right? He's so -”
“Hey!”
Turning, I'm shocked to see Matt making his way through, wearing one of the hotel's yellow-embroidered waistcoats.
“How's your first day going?” he asks, smiling at me as he checks the register on the counter.
“Um...” I stare at him for a moment. “You work here too?”
“Didn't I tell you?” Karen asks with a mischievous grin. “God, that must have completely slipped my mind. Wicked old me, huh?”
“I was actually thinking of getting in touch,” Matt continues. “It was fun meeting you last week.”
“You too,” I reply, making my way around to the other side of the desk. I feel I need to throw myself into my new job, and so far Karen seems to be treating the hotel more like a social club than a workplace. That's not going to be my approach; I'm going to buckle down and be the best employee this place has ever had. Glancing at Matt, I see that he's still looking at me, and by the time I look down at the paperwork I feel I might actually be turning red. “I'm really just learning the ropes,” I explain, shuffling through the pieces of paper. “Mr. Rice said it's better to learn on the job rather than going through some long training course, so...”
“You'll find it's pretty relaxed around here,” he replies. “We all help each other out from time to time.”
I glance at him again, and this time I can't help wondering whether he might have seen the video. After all, the leak has been mentioned in a few news articles recently, and I wouldn't be surprised if curiosity had driven him to seek out a copy. Then again, maybe I'm just getting full of myself. Most people probably have better things to be doing, and Matt seems like a genuinely nice guy. The last thing I need is to start thinking that everyone's paying attention to me. I don't want to become paranoid.
“I should get back to work,” he says after a moment. “I'm sure someone'll come in to the restaurant soon. Gotta keep that soup pot stirred.”
“He likes you,” Karen whispers, as he heads back along the corridor.
I can't help sighing. “I really don't think -”
“He likes you,” she adds, nudging my arm. “He's hot, too, and he's one of those slightly old-fashioned guys who holds doors open for ladies, stuff like that.” She taps at her phone again. “I mean, I prefer guys who are a bit more modern, but if you like the chivalrous angle, Matt's a good pick. He's got that kind of hot, slightly bohemian look going. Personally, I'm more into...” Muttering something, she seems lost in her conversation with the guy she's texting.
“I'm not looking for anything right now,” I tell her, as I log in to the hotel's computer system. “Believe me, the last thing I need is a boyfriend. I'd pity any guy who got involved with me while I'm in this state.”
“State?” Karen continues to tap at her screen for a moment, before turning to me. “What state?” She pauses. “Oh, right. Yeah, but still, if a guy kinda drops into your lap, you'd be crazy not to at least explore the opportunities. Besides, he's already seen your crazy nose, so that hurdle's already been jumped.”
“But has he seen the video?” I ask.
She pauses. “I have no idea. It's not the kind of thing that comes up in a conversation.”
“He probably has,” I mutter. “I'm sure it's everywhere by now. That's how the internet works, it brings out the worst in people.”
“You didn't used to be so cynical,” she says, getting to her feet and grabbing her coat. “Can you cover for me? I'm taking an early lunch, Daniel wants to meet up and I just can't ever say no to him.”
I flinch when I hear that name. “Daniel?”
“I'll introduce you to him some time,” she adds, hurrying around the desk and heading to the front door. “He's really cool, but he's kinda shy and I don't think he wants to meet my friends just yet. I think it's a language thing, his English is fine but he gets all worried. Cute, really.” She rolls her eyes. “Plus, I guess guys see it as some kinda huge, meaningful moment when they start meeting a girl's friends. Whatever. Back in two hours, okay?”
“But -”
“You'll be fine!”
With that, she hurries out into the car park, leaving me alone at the reception desk.
“I'm sure I will,” I mutter, looking down at the nearest monitor. I have no idea how to use any of this equipment, but I guess I can probably pick it up fairly easily, provided there are no emergencies. Leaning back in my chair, I take a deep breath and try to compose myself. After a few seconds, I realize that the whole reception area is completely silent. Looking around, I wait for some hint of noise, maybe chatter from some guests or the clatter of plates in the restaurant, but there's nothing. Just silence. It's almost as if -
Suddenly the phone starts ringing, startling me a little. I sit up straight and take another deep breath, and then I answer.
“Maple Cornell Hotel,” I say, trying to sound professional and friendly. “My name is Anna. How can I help you today?”
***
“It's no problem at all,” I mutter as I close the panel on the air-conditioning unit in room 15. “I'm sorry it wasn't working when you arrived.”
“But it's fixed now?” Mrs. Buscombe asks skeptically.
“I think so. If you have any more trouble, just let me know at the front desk and I'll get the janitor to come and take a look. Hopefully it was just that setting, though.” I turn to her, and I can't deny that I'm a little proud of myself for dealing with my first real challenge here at the hotel. “I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay.”
“I'm sure I will,” she replies. “Thank you.”
Turning, I head toward the door.
“Everyone's seen you, you know,” she adds with a sneer. “Everyone's seen you naked in that video, covered in blood while they do things to you. Goddamn whore.”
Stopping, I turn to her. “What did you say?”
She's already pulling things ou
t of her suitcase. “I'm sorry?”
My heart is pounding. “What did you just say about the video?”
“Video?” She frowns. “I didn't say anything about a video.”
“But you -” Pausing, I realize that I must have just suffered some kind of brief, auditory hallucination. “Never mind,” I mutter, turning and hurrying out of the room.
By the time I get back to the reception desk a few minutes later, I've just about managed to convince myself that I suffered a temporary brain fart, something that almost certainly won't be repeated. To my surprise, I find that there's still no sign of Karen, which means her so-called 'quick' break with Daniel is stretching way beyond two hours. I guess I shouldn't be too annoyed, but when I take a seat behind the desk I see a flashing notification on one of the panels, and I have no idea what it means. I start fumbling with various buttons, but the light continues to blink despite my best efforts.
“Problem?” a familiar voice asks.
Turning, I see Matt coming over to the desk.
“Lunch is dead,” he mutters. “Two people came in the whole time, and they just wanted drinks. I swear, this place is slowly swirling down the sinkhole.” He pauses. “Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear on your first day.”
“Do you know what this means?” I ask with a sigh, still trying to figure out the flashing light.
He leans over and takes a look. “No idea,” he says after a moment, before reaching down and flicking a switch, causing the light to stop blinking. “I'm sure it was nothing important. Isn't Karen here?”
“Still out for lunch.”
“She needs to be careful,” he replies. “Mr. Rice is pretty chilled about things, but she's been taking way too many liberties since she met that Daniel guy. It's like she's letting her relationship dominate her life.”
“Have you seen him?” I ask, once again unable to stifle a shiver at the mention of that name. Already, in my mind's eye I keep picturing Karen hanging out with the same Daniel who died at the cabin, even though I know that's impossible.