As soon as he was gone, she tried to finish chewing, but he was back not even ten seconds later with a pack of cigarettes in hand. He headed for the balcony and, when his back was turned, she tried to chew again.
When Xander reached the door he paused, noticing it was open a crack. "Were you out here, Leon?" he asked, turning back around.
Deryn shook her head.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded.
Xander stared at her curiously. "Say something."
She said nothing.
"Did you hear me talking to Bronson and Quigley downstairs?"
She shook her head again.
"Are you lying?"
Another shake.
Xander took several steps towards her. "What's that you have in your mouth?"
Her eyes widened.
"Is it the cupcake?"
Giving in, Deryn gulped, almost choking on her bite.
Xander grunted. "Just swallow the fucking thing, will you?"
She did. "Sorry, I -"
"Not necessary," he said, walking back to the balcony. "But, if you're going to go outside, you better be damn careful." He shut the door behind him.
Deryn remained in the kitchen for a few moments before clutching her blanket tighter around her shoulders and following him outside. She crawled again, making sure to stay low as she settled herself in the same spot, giving her the perfect view of Xander smoking a cigarette in an old chair.
They sat there in silence, both of them gazing out at the street, Deryn through a crack in the stone barrier. While watching what looked like a cat running across the deserted street, she accidentally let the blanket slip off of her shoulder.
"How's that sweater working out for you?" asked Xander, eyeing it with a smile.
Deryn fixed the blanket. "Yeah, it's ... it's really quite comfortable," she answered honestly. Then she sighed. "Look, Ruby, I don't want you to think I'm not grateful, because I am. This is the most at ease I've felt in -"
"Five years?" Xander cocked an eyebrow.
"And one day," said Deryn with a dim smile. "But you have to understand why I'm hesitant about you. Since the day I was taken prisoner, I haven't been around one person I can trust. And you ... well, I know you're already aware of this, but we have a history."
"Yes, we do," he said, taking a drag of his cigarette. "And I'm sure my profession doesn't help."
"It really doesn't," she said. "And, it's just ... I find it odd that, in all this time, I never saw you. Not once. I saw every other Guardian there is but never you. Why?"
Xander sighed and glanced sideways at her. "I almost always knew where you were, Leon. And I made a point to never be there."
"You kept track of me?"
Xander nodded.
"So you could avoid me?"
He nodded again. "I've heard stories about you over the years, and I had no interest in seeing you like that. The way you looked just yesterday, I never wanted to witness that."
"Why?"
"Guilt," he said slowly. "For some reason I have it when it comes to you."
"Gee, I wonder why?"
Xander glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "Before you go jumping to conclusions, I'm not sorry I didn't try and attack Elvira once she and my father had you in their clutches. If I had then I would be dead, and you would be one step closer to execution."
"That's not -"
"You're lucky I was there last night. You were mere moments away from getting caught and you know it."
Deryn took a deep and agitated breath. Her damn pride was really getting a beating. "Fine. I admit it. You saved me last night."
"About time," he said, looking amused.
"Well, if that's not the reason you have guilt when it comes to me, then what is?"
Xander took a long drag of his cigarette and moved his gaze back to the abandoned street. His brown eyes sparkled almost gold in the simulated moonlight, and Deryn realized they were not the most unpleasant things to look at.
"We bumped into each other that day. Knocked each other over. Remember?"
"I do," she said, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. She gripped her nails deep into the blanket as flashes of memories filled her head. Memories of her father, brother and Dakota. Of Godfrey's still figure as he was carried away from her. Of Dakota's loving gaze as he gave her one final kiss. Of his hand letting go of hers ...
"I'd been hiding."
Deryn blinked back to reality.
"Per my mom's request, but the moment I heard all of the commotion I knew I had to get out. I should've just stayed where I was. If I had then maybe Elvira would've never found out about my mom, and maybe you would've gotten wherever it was you were trying to go."
"I probably would have."
They both went silent. The air felt heavy around them , trapping them in an uncomfortable state of awareness. It had all been a stupid mistake. An unfortunate, accidental moment that had changed everything. And it was a painful realization.
So Xander and Deryn just continued to sit there, avoiding each other's eyes for a good, long while and focusing on the laughter coming from two floors below.
It was a strange feeling, being thrown together with your enemy, especially when they suddenly decided to save your life. Deryn didn't know how she was supposed to feel about Xander. She was trying to be grateful, but that hatred she had felt towards him still boiled strongly in the pit of her stomach. It would be easier if she could somehow get inside of his head. To be able to understand him just a little bit better.
"Why are you still here?"
Xander cocked an eyebrow.
"I mean here, as a Guardian for Saevus? It certainly doesn't seem like you want to be. If you did then you wouldn't be helping me."
Xander knocked some ash off his cigarette. "Same reason you didn't off yourself five years ago."
Deryn was taken aback. Her stomach lurched as she lifted her head to get a better view of him. "What does that mean?" she asked out of morbid curiosity.
"It means you did what you had to in order to survive. You might hate yourself for it, but at least you're alive."
Deryn gulped.
"Tell me something, Leon. Did you ever consider death as an option when they were tossing you from Guardian to Guardian?"
Monster to monster , she thought, watching closely as Xander began to breathe more rapidly. His breath was hot and visible against the cold air, his stormy eyes finally sparking to life as he spoke to her, trying to justify his own dark thoughts by finding a similar feeling in a soul more tattered than his.
"Did it ever cross your mind that just ending it would be the better solution?" he continued. "That maybe it would be your only salvation? You'd be free, which is all you ever wanted, anyway." Xander sucked in his raw, steamy breath and closed his eyes. "So did you?"
He slowly opened them again, turning his golden irises towards her and waiting for an answer. In the light of the moon, she could see that even with this spark, his eyes were still dead behind the haze of tears. Much like how hers looked when she saw them in the mirror.
Deryn choked as she drew back her own tears. She didn't want to appear weak in front of him, especially after all of the breakdowns she'd had already. But she knew she wasn't done yet.
"Of course I did," she answered honestly. "Nearly every day I thought about it. But the memory of what life once was - what it could be again - that's what kept me going. I could never have killed myself because it was too easy, and the best things in life aren't obtained by giving in. They're hard, but they're worth it."
Xander clicked his tongue. "I don't have memories like that. Even before all of this, I don't remember a time when I was ever really happy."
"Not even in your childhood?"
"No." After taking one final drag, he put his cigarette out on the balcony and tossed it over the side.
"So what is it that keeps you going then? When you have these thoughts?" she asked.
"Did I say I was talking about me?"
"You didn't have to."
"I wasn't. We were talking about you, remember?"
"You don't have to lie -"
"I'm not lying!" he snapped, turning sharply towards her. "I would never off myself. Too much depends on me staying alive."
"What does that mean?"
Xander paused. He stared at her, unblinking for a moment. "Nothing." He took out another cigarette.
Deryn stared at it with a growing curiosity. Cigarettes were a thing of their ancestors, almost forgotten until the Outsiders recreated them a few decades back. Saevus had banned them the moment he learned of their existence, hating all things made by Outsiders. Besides, tobacco was already forbidden. This was the one thing she actually agreed with him on, but for a different reason. "That's a very Outsider habit you've picked up there."
"Yes," he said unfazed. "You can blame the idiots downstairs. They got me into it and have to pick them up for me."
"Why?"
"They're in a part of the Black Market where even easily bribed Guardians aren't welcome." Xander held out the pack and offered her one.
Deryn recoiled. "Absolutely not. It's a horrid habit that I do not support."
"Of course you don't," he said with an amused grin. "Five years, countless hours of torture and you're still as predictable as ever."
"If you think you're going to pressure me into taking one -"
"Why would I waste my breath?"
Deryn watched Xander closely as he continued to smoke his cigarette. But, eventually, she became dazed and her mind quickly drifted back to her family and Dakota. She was the closest she had been to finding them in years but, instead of beginning her journey to them, she was spending her evening sitting on a balcony with Xander Ruby. Surely there were better things she could be doing with her time.
Still, she stayed. As much as she hated to admit it, over the years she had been starved of basic human interaction. Talking to someone about actual things, things that mattered to her - even if that someone was Xander - talking out loud made Deryn feel almost human again.
"May I ask you something?"
Xander shrugged. "I suppose it doesn't matter. We both know you're going to ask whether I say yes or not."
Deryn frowned. She really was predictable.
"It's ... it's about my dad and brother," she said timidly. "What do you know of them?"
"Know of them?" he repeated. "I'm a Guardian, Leon. The two of them have probably spent a great deal of time making sure I know nothing."
"But surely you must know something."
"We almost caught that friend of yours, Trigger or whatever, a few months back."
Deryn's heart quickened at the mention of Dakota. She was so eager to hear more that she didn't even correct the name mistake, though it was most likely intentional. One day in training Dakota had been a bit too enthusiastic with his Element and from then on was known as trigger happy Triggs.
"During a raid on one of the Guardian's homes. He's made a few appearances over the years, and so has that annoying brother of yours, but your dad's stayed hidden."
"But they're together, right?"
"Probably," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "They're all pretty active in the Resistance. They work together, but I'm not sure if they stay in the same place or not."
Deryn sighed in relief. They had found each other without her. She hoped with all of her heart that Dakota hadn't waited long for word from her, like she had promised. If she was lucky he had caught on pretty quickly and gone off to look for everyone else. But, even after all this time, she found it hard to convince herself this was true. Dakota had waited for her to return longer than necessary.
"I suppose, when you leave here, you'll look for them?"
Deryn awoke from her daze to find Xander staring at her. She nodded. "Part of me can't wait to see them again but another part ... maybe an even stronger part is dreading it."
"Why?"
Her eyes grew misty as she cradled her head back in her knees. "Because of everything that's happened to me. Because they would never understand."
"I thought you were close with them?"
"I am," she said with a sniffle. "But, after everything I've done, how can I face them?"
"What? What have you done?" asked Xander, cocking his head and trying to get a good look at her.
By now, Deryn was full on weeping. She didn't know why she was talking about this with him but, somehow, she knew she had to. She had to get it out. And, in this unusual haven she had stumbled into, Xander was the only one around to listen.
"I used to fight back in the beginning. I would fight and claw and hit and scream until my throat and limbs were raw or they beat me unconscious. But then I just ... stopped. I stopped fighting and I let them do whatever they wanted to me. It was easier. When I wasn't busy screaming, I had a better chance of closing my mind off and finding a happy moment. One that's buried somewhere deep inside of me that I could get swept into. The fight was killing me but it was still better than how I ended up. Instead, I just let myself die."
Xander said nothing as Deryn continued to cry into her knees. The two men downstairs had gone inside a short while earlier so, aside from the two of them, the world was still. An eerie silence engulfed them as her sobs resonated through the night. The unease between them grew thicker, enough so a knife could've cut through it. Just like the knife she had used to slit open Soren's throat ...
"Leon," called Xander, his voice quiet in her clouded ears. His untouched cigarette had burned to an ashy nub. "Why don't you ever say the word?"
"What word?"
"You know. The word of what happened to you. What they did. You've mentioned torture without a problem but you haven't said the other thing."
"Why does that matter?"
"I think you should say it," he declared.
"Why?" she asked, weakly lifting her head.
"It might make you feel better."
"It won't."
"You don't know that."
Unable to look into his eyes, Deryn watched the way his chest heaved as he inhaled the smoke of his newest cigarette. It stiffened as he let the smoke sink into his lungs. And then released as he blew it back out into the cold, night air. She needed to focus. She needed to stay focused on just one thing or else she was going to lose control, and Xander was the only thing in her line of sight that moved enough to keep her from sinking into her mind. Where the not-so-happy memories were kept much closer than the ones of her childhood living outside with the people she loved.
"Say it, Leon."
"No," she protested, still focusing on his chest.
"Say the word."
"No!"
"Say the word, Leon. Tell me what happened to you."
Her breaths grew short and frantic. "You know what happened to me," she snapped.
"Yes, because I know Guardians. But your dad, your brother, your fucking boyfriend, they know nothing about what goes on inside their heads. If you can't even accept what happened to you then how the hell do you expect them to?"
"They don't need to know everything."
"So you'll keep secrets from them?"
"N-no."
"If you don't tell them then that's exactly what you're doing. Keeping secrets."
"No, it's -"
"Tell me what happened to you, Leon," demanded Xander in a deep, drawling voice. "Tell me what Soren and the other Guardians did to you when they owned you. In their beds, in their hallways, in the filthy basements and pocket-sized closets they kept you in. What did they do to you there?"
"Stop it," she pleaded, her face growing hot as she pulled at her hair from the roots.
"Did they even bother to undress you? Or was it all just hurried and rough while they smacked you around and called you toxic trash? Did they let you shower after? Or were you left to soak in their sweat and your shame?"
Deryn's body was shaking. "Stop," she said through gritted teeth.
"Most of your owners hated you. They were repulsed by you and wanted to see you suffer. So they did it the only way they knew how. By breaking you."
"No."
"You're not the Deryn Leon I once knew. I can see that right now. The Leon I knew would have never let them defeat her."
"I haven't!" she protested, raising her voice.
"Yes you have!" said Xander, raising his voice to match hers. "That's why you can't say it. Because you're defeated. You're weak and you're defeated!"
"No!" Deryn jumped to her feet. "I am not defeated, Ruby! How dare you say that I am!"
"Then prove it to me," he demanded, also jumping to his feet. "Tell me what they did to you."
"Shut up!" Deryn lunged forward and beat her fists into his chest.
The glass door two floors below slid open. “Ruby, what's going on up there?”
“Nothing! Mind your own fucking business!” he shouted down at his nosy neighbors.
Xander wrapped his arms around the hysterical, thrashing Deryn and carried her inside. If she was going to have this outburst then it needed to be where she couldn't be heard.
"Tell me what Soren did to you at night when his wife wasn't home!"
"No!" she cried as he put her back down. Not for one second did she stop hitting him.
"Tell me, Deryn!"
At the sound of her given name, Deryn's whole body went heavy. She sank to her knees, dragging Xander down with her. Her sobs were loud and frantic as she clutched the sleeves of his shirt, holding on so tight her nails ripped holes in the fabric.
"They ... they raped me, alright?" she finally admitted, her body instantly easing. "I was raped almost every day for ... for five years. Ruby ... why did this happen to me?" Deryn's head sank into his chest, tears soaking through his shirt and onto his skin.
"It shouldn't have happened to you," he said, stroking a comforting hand through her hair. "This world has become sick and cruel under the president's rule. But you're stronger than you think you are. And you're wrong."
"About what?" she asked through choked breaths.
"About you. Just because you stopped struggling doesn't mean you ever stopped fighting. I think we both just witnessed that there's still plenty of fire in you."
Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) Page 7