"What is wrong with me?" he whispered while crouched over the toilet for the third time, his eyes drifting back to the spot where they had been together. He hated that spot. Only, he really didn't.
Chapter Nineteen
The next morning, Xander was awoken by the sound of someone going through his desk in the living room, obviously not caring about the noise they were making. He rubbed his tired eyes for a moment before the events of the previous night came flooding back to him.
In a quick movement that was meant to be swifter than it was, Xander stumbled off of his bed and ran to the door. He threw it open just in time to witness Deryn's foot disappear into her bedroom. Her door slammed but he went to it anyway, aggressively pulling at the knob. Locked. Damn, she was quick.
"Seriously, Leon? This is fucking ridiculous! Get back out here, now !"
A weird surge entered through his hand. He looked at his desk and saw his portable computer was missing, something that didn't require a fingerprint to work as long as his wristband was in range, and he had mistakenly given her the password to it two weeks earlier. Somehow she had just hacked into his private settings and put a soundproof shield around her room. He would need to figure out some lie to tell whoever checked his daily activity report about that one.
Xander smacked the door in frustration before returning to his room and collapsing on the bed. He kept his door open, just in case she decided to come out and go to the kitchen, or something. She was definitely going to need the bathroom at least once.
Xander waited all day but Deryn never came back out. At one point, he drifted into a daze. It was a moment before he realized his mind had immediately filled with images of her again, and they were hardly innocent. His eyes shot open and, as soon as he returned to full consciousness, he realized he was touching himself. He pulled his hand away quickly, feeling absolutely repulsed.
While he tried to tell himself the reason behind his repulsion was because she was an Outsider, he knew it wasn't true. It was because of everything she had been through. It seemed wrong to do those things to her without her consent, even if they were just in his head.
Of course, he could never ask her permission for such a thing. Xander would rather never have sex again than admit to these thoughts.
Sometime in the middle of the day, Xander's mindless staring at his ceiling was interrupted by someone banging on his front door. He got up to check, hoping it was Bronson with the robe and book for Deryn, but it wasn't. One look out the peephole and he saw that it was Finley. The loud cursing dropping from her mouth every few seconds was another surefire sign. She was angry. He didn't know why, but he didn't care either. There was no way he was letting her in. Even after Deryn was gone and out of his life forever, he would never allow her near him again. They were finished.
It was a good hour before she left, and Xander killed the time by smoking on his balcony. And then he killed more time out there. The sun had already long set when he started to wonder what he was doing. Why was he waiting around for Deryn? She clearly wasn't coming out. Not tonight, anyway.
"Fuck this."
Xander marched back inside. There was no reason for Deryn's actions to be affecting him so much, and he wasn't going to waste his time any longer.
After changing his clothes, Xander went to her door and knocked once more.
"Leon, if you can hear me I'm going out! I won't be back until late so come out, eat, use the bathroom, and then go back to your fucking cave before I return! I don't care!"
That sounded convincing enough.
Xander put on his coat and shoes, and left the apartment. He went to Luka's and dragged him out to his favorite bar for dinner and drinks. Lots and lots of drinks.
"Any particular reason you're chugging down that bottle of whiskey like it's the elixir of life?"
Xander slammed the bottle on the table and took a deep breath. "You act like me drinking heavily is rare, or something."
"You're right. It's not," said Luka. "But it's the way you're drinking. You pissed about something?"
"No!" he spat.
"You sure? Because it seems like you're pissed."
"I'm not!" He was. Why the hell wouldn't she come out of her room and talk to him? She was living there, for fuck's sake! Was she honestly planning to avoid him from now until the day she left?
Xander gulped as his mind suddenly became plagued by the idea of Deryn leaving. Would she take the robe with her when she left? The books? The boots? The fucking chocolate bar she still wouldn't eat?
Without thinking, Xander picked up the bottle again and chugged even more.
"Easy there, Xander," said Luka, reaching out and taking it from him. "Prime pickings for the night aren't even here yet. You can't be wasted off your ass before you even find some."
"I don't care. I don't feel like fucking some whore tonight."
Luka's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Really?"
"Really," he said, suddenly thinking of Deryn in that robe again. He grabbed the bottle back from Luka and chugged. "Got enough of that the last few nights with Finley. Can't even believe I went back down that road."
"Is that why she's looking at you like she wants to rip your dick off right now?"
Xander froze mid-sip. He put the bottle on the table and gulped down the remaining liquid. "What?"
"Finley. She's sitting over there." Luka motioned with his head. "And she doesn't look very happy. What'd you do to her?"
"Nothing," said Xander. Yet.
Out of the corner of his eye, Xander could see Finley watching him. She had seemed pretty angry when she was banging on his door earlier and it appeared she hadn't calmed any. Had he done something to her? Other than the obvious of kicking her out, but it was hardly the first time. In fact, he even recalled kicking her out shortly after they lost their virginity to each other when they were fifteen. That was worse.
But the way she was looking at him now ... there was definitely something more.
Suddenly, Finley was out of her chair and on her way over to him. It appeared he was about to find out.
"You bastard!" she shouted, slamming something on the table. Xander looked down to see it was a piece of paper. "We've been part of each other's lives since we were kids and this is how you treat me? Fuck you, Xander!"
Xander eyed the paper curiously. Funny. He didn't remember sending her anything. "What the fuck are you talking about, Scout?"
"Scout? Scout ? What, you can't even call me by my name anymore?"
"I am your superior, Scout . Outside of the bedroom, all you are is another subordinate. Accept it."
"Fuck you!" she repeated, storming away with tears in her eyes.
As soon as she was gone, Luka picked up the paper she had left behind. A few seconds later he was bursting out laughing. "Oh, shit! You are a bastard!"
Curiosity getting the better of him, Xander ripped the paper out of Luka's hands. He was instantly met with a short email she must have printed. But, instead of being typed out, someone had written the message, a feature rarely used on computers but still available for people who didn't like keyboards.
Scout,
While our last few nights together may have you starting to believe that something is rekindling between us, I would like to make it clear that these feelings are one-sided. I think you are a filthy whore and have little purpose beyond the sheets. You are an ugly person both inside and out and I have no intention of ever bedding you again.
Bedding? Who the fuck says ... Oh, shit!
I understand that since we are both Guardians we will be required to see each other from time to time, but that is the extent of our relationship. Never speak to me, never touch me, and never, EVER come to my place again!
Sincerely,
Xander Ruby
P.S. Your moaning sounds like a dying cat.
That little fucking ...
"Did you really write that?"
Xander's head popped up and he looked blankly at Luka. "What?"
/> "It doesn't really sound like you. Don't get me wrong, it definitely has a certain edge, but the language just seems ... dare I say proper? Until the end. That last line is fantastic! I used to hear her when you'd kick us out of our room at Eagle to have sex. You really hit it spot on."
Xander blinked.
"So did you write it?"
Xander blinked again. "Looks like it."
"Who knew you had such good penmanship? And here I thought it was a dying art." Luka laughed. "Dying," he repeated. "Like a cat."
Xander looked back at the email, his eyes still on it as he grabbed the bottle of whiskey and took several large gulps. She may have had access to his computer, but he had always made sure his email was locked.
"Hey, Xander! Snap back to reality!" shouted Luka, taking the bottle from him once again. "Seriously, th'fuck is wrong with you?"
"Nothing," said Xander, suddenly feeling furious as he crushed the paper in his hand. "I need to go." He stood up and stuffed it in his pocket.
"What? Go where?"
"Home. I need to take care of some shit." Someone in particular.
Luka watched with curiosity as his friend threw on his coat and sped out of the bar.
Xander couldn't let her get away with this! How had she done it? Why had she done it? Deryn had risked both of their lives by sending that email. What if Finley had seen right through those words? They were lucky she was an idiot.
Xander got back to his apartment in record time. On his way up the stairs he passed Bronson, who was smoking in the hallway. He stopped and stared at him, his eyes narrowing. Him .
"Hey, Ruby! I let myself into your place to drop off that - The fuck?"
Xander grabbed Bronson by the collar and slammed him into the closest wall. "I know it was you who helped her!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You're the only one who knows she's here! How the hell else could she of done it?"
Clearly, all logic had left Xander somewhere between those many chugs of whiskey, because it didn't even cross his mind that he had been in his apartment all day, and not once had Bronson and Deryn made contact. Not to mention that Bronson had just as much access to his email as she did, which was none. But rationality was not his top priority right now, so he punched him.
"Ah! What the hell you do that for?" shouted Bronson, clutching at the eye Xander had hit as he fell to his knees.
"Stay away from her!"
"What?"
"Stay. Away!"
And with that, Xander darted up the stairs again, the effect of the alcohol finally hitting his stomach somewhere between the fourth and fifth floor.
Still, he made it into his apartment and dashed towards the toilet, glancing at her closed bedroom door as he went by. After a few rounds of vomiting, Xander got back up with as much vigor as before and marched out to the living room, where he banged on Deryn's door.
"Leon! Open the fucking door!" He kicked it when she didn't come.
"It's not locked!" she shouted from the other side.
Xander tried the knob and, sure enough, the door opened. He stormed inside. Deryn was sitting on the bed with the book of riddles in her lap and the radio playing on her nightstand. It was currently just static. She looked up as he entered, that fire in her eyes from yesterday slightly diminished but still burning deep. His gaze immediately fell upon her lips, as pink and plump as ever. He could just picture himself sucking that bottom one between his teeth.
"What do you want, Ruby?" she asked when he didn't immediately start talking.
Coming out of his daze, Xander tore the email out of his pocket and slammed it on the book in front of her. "What is this?"
Deryn lifted the piece of paper and unwrinkled it. "It looks like an email you sent from your account," she said.
"Only, I didn't. I didn't fucking send that, Leon, and you know it!"
Deryn smiled smugly before closely her book and putting it aside. "I don't know what you're -"
"How did you do it?"
Her sea-green eyes gazed up at him.
"Tell me how you fucking got into my email!"
"I hacked it," she said casually.
"You hacked it?"
"Yes, Ruby. Just like your damn soundproof shields this morning. I learned how to hack years ago during training from one of the instructors who saw potential in me. Email is one of the easiest things to break into, especially when you have your regular account saved on your computer."
"Are you insane?"
Deryn's face dropped. Xander didn't catch it.
"Do you have any idea what could've happened if someone found out it wasn't me who sent this? It doesn't even fucking sound like me!"
"You're right. I didn't put enough obscenities," she said, glancing down at the paper still clutched in her hands, her mind instantly going back to that word. Insane .
"Damn right you didn't! And you even handwrote it. I mean ... fuck! Do you want to get caught? Because, if you do, I can call the president right now and he can start planning both of our executions!"
Deryn let out a sound that was somewhere between a hiccup and a sob.
Xander froze. "What are you doing?"
"I'm not -" Hiccup ! "- insane." Tears flooded and then poured from her eyes.
"What?"
"I'm not insane!" she repeated, glaring at him with her glossy, green pools. "How did you get this email, Ruby? I checked it not even five minutes ago and there was no response, and you had no reason to look in your sent folder."
"What?" he repeated.
"How the fuck did you get this email?" she shouted while getting to her feet. "When I curse does that make you fucking understand me better?"
"How the fuck do you think I got it? Finley gave it to me."
"So you went over there?"
Xander turned white. "What?"
"You went over there! You went over to her place to fuck her again after everything I told you!"
"No, I -"
"Don't lie to me!" shouted Deryn, crumpling up the paper and tossing it at him. "You don't even care! You don't even care that she tortured me!"
"Leon, no -"
Xander reached for her, but she pushed him away. "Don't touch me!"
His eyes and nostrils flared. He was getting really sick of this. "Fuck you, Leon!"
She looked up and the two of them locked eyes. Xander stepped forward so Deryn stepped back, not stopping until she hit the wall. Grabbing her wrists, Xander pinned her there.
"I did not go there," he spat, his breath hitting her in foul, heavy waves. "She found me when I was out with Luka. You understand? I wouldn't do that to you. What more do I have to do for you to trust me?"
Deryn squirmed. "How about not breathing on me after you vomit?"
Xander let go of her wrists and took a small step back, but he still rested his hands on the wall on either side of her, using it to brace himself while he breathed her in. That intoxicating natural floral scent of hers he had been missing all day.
"How much have you had to drink tonight, Ruby?" she asked, trying to look at his eyes.
"I don't know," he answered, avoiding those sad, sea-green irises he had become so accustomed to. Xander leaned forward and nuzzled into her hair. So soft. So incredibly soft. "Don't be angry with me," he whispered.
Deryn gulped as her body eased beneath him. "Please, Ruby ... please just go."
Xander nodded. He touched her hand with his before pulling away and turning, not looking back until he got to the door. Deryn had not moved.
"For what it's worth, Leon," he said, "you didn't have to write to her. It was already finished. I was wrong before. Your enemies and my enemies ... they're the same."
"Thank you," said Deryn weakly.
Xander shut the door behind him. He felt repulsive. For fucking Finley. For calling Deryn insane. For putting those tears in her eyes.
As soon as he got back to his room, he brushed his teeth and mouthwashed thoroughly before jumping in the showe
r. Even through the haze of the steam on the glass, his eyes kept drifting to that spot on the floor. He could still see himself there, lying on top of her while he caressed her skin, planting sweet kisses down her jaw and onto her neck.
Something inside of him was still forcing him to deny that he wanted her, but deep down he knew he did. He wanted her even before that moment. Possibly this went all the way back to that first night he had fallen asleep in her bed, when he awoke and found her hand in his. He hadn't admitted it then but he liked that feeling. Having her there. Needing him. Relying on him. He hated that he had to share her with Bronson. And that damn Dakota. He may not have been around physically, but he was never far from her mind.
But Deryn ... After everything she had been through she still seemed so innocent. So pure.
Even with her scars he could not find one flaw on her. And while her mind might have been damaged, she was still one of the most intelligent people he knew.
And her warmth. The beautiful warmth of her body the few times she'd let him hold her. He was picturing his arms around her now, running his hands along her hips, into her shirt, not stopping until he was caressing those perfect ... fucking ... breasts.
"Fuck!" shouted Xander as he came in the shower. He hadn't even realized he'd been jacking off. And to images of her. Again. "Fuck," he said more softly this time.
Xander looked back at the spot on the bathroom floor. The only solace he could find in any of this was that during those few moments he had her there, the feelings had not been his alone. She had kissed back. She had moaned his name. Until she saw that crest on his wristband she was into it.
Xander knew that deep down she wanted him too. Only, the hindrances in her mind were even worse than his. Xander was a Guardian, and Guardians had tortured and raped her for five years. No relationship in her future would ever be quite right. How could he even touch her without arousing those painful memories?
With a heavy sigh, Xander cleaned himself off and stepped out of the shower. He changed and climbed into bed, for the first time realizing how cold it was without someone there beside him.
Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) Page 17