"Okay," she said, her voice cracking as she looked at him nervously. "I'm going to follow through, Xander. I told you, I want this."
"But we don't have to so quickly -"
"I want this," she repeated sternly. She reached up and stroked his cheek. "I promise."
The little resolve Xander had melted under her touch. He nodded slowly. "Alright."
He went back in and kissed her more aggressively. She trembled as she brought her hands back to his pants. He helped her get them off before doing the same to her, leaving them both completely naked.
Xander kissed his way down Deryn's neck, distracting her while his other hand moved between them, making sure she was as prepared for this as she claimed to be. If the wetness between her thighs was any indication then she was more than ready for him.
He massaged her a little longer, relishing in the soft moans escaping her lips as he slipped a finger inside of her, and then a second. When she gasped, he moved his mouth down to her breast, sucking on the perky pink nipple that tasted as sweet as the rest of her.
Deryn closed her eyes as Xander continued to touch her, her hands clinging awkwardly to his shoulders as she realized she had no idea what she was doing. This was the first time anyone had ever tried to make her feel good, instead of just using her body to bring their own release, normally quickly and without any sort of priming.
Her mind was suddenly flooded with memories of these men. Using her, pounding her, hurting her. Never once caring when they were so rough they made her bleed.
"Leon."
Deryn opened her eyes. Xander was watching her, looking worried. She hadn't even realized he'd stopped. And then she felt it. The dampness stinging her cheeks. He wiped them with his thumb.
"We don't have to -"
"No!" Deryn shook her head urgently. She grabbed his arms and said, "Xander, please! I want this. I do. It's just ..." She closed her eyes again, letting more tears fall. "I can't shake the memories."
A pause.
"Open your eyes."
Deryn did as he instructed. She gazed up at him while he continued to stroke her damp cheek.
"If we do this, I'm going to need you to keep your eyes open at all times."
She nodded.
"Never take them off of me, not even once. You understand?"
She nodded again.
"That way if you ever start to feel that fear then you'll know it's me here with you." Xander leaned down and kissed her chastely, not once taking his eyes off of hers. "You ready?"
"Can you hold my hand?" she asked with a slight blush on her cheeks.
Xander smiled. He grabbed her hand off of his shoulder and interlaced their fingers, resting them on the pillow just beside her head.
Deryn could feel as Xander moved his other hand downward, stroking himself a few times before settling between her legs. She continued to gaze at him with wide eyes, refusing to break contact as he slowly began to enter her.
Deryn winced as he pushed all the way in, her hand squeezing his as their eyes remained locked.
"I'm going to move now," he breathed into her ear.
Deryn nodded, holding his back with her free hand as he began to slowly thrust inside of her. She sucked in her lips, trying to hold back any signs of pleasure as he panted above her. Realizing what she was doing, Xander touched her lips with his free hand, forcing them to part and release a small moan.
After a few minutes of this slow movement, he told her he was going to move faster. His free hand clutched her hip as he steadily increased his rhythm.
"Leon ... tell me you're alright," he demanded as his thrusts grew more frantic.
"I'm ..." Her head fell back as he hit a particularly pleasant spot. She moaned and brought her eyes quickly back to his. "I'm alright."
Xander kissed her then, biting her bottom lip hard as he finally let himself sink into her. In all of his fantasies, sex with Deryn had always been good, but nothing he imagined could have prepared him for the reality. Every small sound that escaped her lips had him growing harder in what was already an incredibly tight and beautiful fit. He had never felt this unbelievable grasping on his cock before. It was perfect.
Even though they had barely begun something that would, undoubtedly, lead to many incredible nights together, Xander already couldn't get enough. He could do this until morning if she let him, but he knew he couldn't keep it going too long. Her eyes were still so wide and terrified, and he would need to ease her into all of this before he could have her in each and every way he wanted.
Before long, Deryn was moaning loudly and freely. Xander moved his hand so it was between them, massaging with expert fingers to bring her to her climax that much quicker. To end the fear by giving her something beautiful. She sucked in her lips again, so he kissed them to free her sounds of pleasure from their prison.
Deryn's body writhed beneath his, and it was becoming harder for her to stay focused on his eyes. But, still, she did, never breaking their gaze as she moved closer. So, so much closer.
"Xander ... say my name," she demanded between heavy breaths. "I need to hear it."
Gripping her hand even tighter, Xander hovered his lips above hers and slowly said, "Deryn."
This was the last piece she needed. After hearing her given name, Deryn came undone, her tight muscles clenching around him as her back arched and her body lost all control.
Xander took this moment to wrap his free arm underneath her, pulling her as close to him as possible without merging into one entity, wanting to feel every bit of her orgasm vibrate against his body as it took hold. The look in her eyes as she came undone around him was all Xander needed to find his own release. One, two, three more thrusts and he was done, finishing inside of her as she fell heavy in his arms. He screamed her name once more, not just for her, but for him, as well. Reminding him that he finally had what he wanted right there beneath him.
The two of them stayed there for a moment, catching their breath as they kissed every inch of skin they could find. Their hands remained clasped, and Xander looked at them before attempting to move off of her. But, before he could, she wrapped her arm tighter around his back and held him in place.
"No. Not yet. Let me feel you for a little bit longer."
Xander smirked. "Leave me inside of you much longer and I'm going to have to demand a repeat performance."
Deryn said nothing. Just continued to hold him.
"You alright?" he asked, unable to see her eyes from his head's current position in the crook of her neck. He felt her nod against him.
"I like to feel you breathing," she said.
"Dare I ask why?"
"I don't know. It makes me feel alive, I guess." She took a deep breath, inhaled the sweet aroma of his hair, and said, "Okay." She let him go.
Xander pulled out and rolled off to the side, their interlaced hands finally coming undone. He landed flat on his back and pulled her into his side.
Deryn nervously put her head on his chest while he held her close. She moved her hand down to his stomach, resting it there while the feeling of his breath steadily moving it up and down soothed her. Only the faint sound of her name was able to break her from her daze. She looked up at him.
"Everything alright?" he asked once again.
She fixed her eyes on his lips and gave a shallow nod.
"Care to tell me what's on your mind, then?"
Deryn stared vacantly at those lips for a long moment before glancing back at his eyes and sighing. "If I tell you something, will you promise not react?"
Xander stiffened.
"I mean, no being weird, no being angry. Just ... just act like it's nothing."
Deryn's hand began to shake on his stomach. In hindsight, she should've known who she was talking to, but she wanted to get this out and Xander was the one she wanted to tell. So, when he clasped his hand with hers on his stomach and nodded, she took several deep breaths to prepare herself. She wasn't going to tell him everything, but she needed to t
ell him this one small piece.
"When I first became a slave, I ..." She gulped, looked away and sucked back tears. "I was a virgin."
Xander's hand tensed on her shoulder.
"This was my first time by choice."
He shouldn't have been surprised. While she and Trigger had been together five years ago, the Outsider recruits were watched much more closely than those like him. They were never left alone.
But actually hearing the words come out of her mouth was different. She had been a virgin that day when his father dragged her away, and he knew it couldn't have lasted much longer. His hand clenched on her shoulder as he tried to keep his promise about not reacting, but that was really hard to do when he was suddenly overcome with this incredible urge to kill someone.
"Who?" he choked out.
Deryn glanced at him. "What do you mean?"
"Who was the first to touch you?" he asked through gritted teeth, still trying to maintain his composure.
She looked back at their clasped hands and used her thumb to stroke the top of his. "It doesn't matter."
"It most certainly does -"
"There were so many that first time. I just ... I shut myself off from it, just enough so all of their faces became a blur. I didn't want to know."
Xander tightened his grip and pulled her up so her head was level with his. He turned slightly and brushed his fingers through her hair. Deryn brought her hand up and touched his heart again.
"Would ..." She took a deep breath, gulped, and started again. "Would it be alright if I pretended this was my first time?"
Xander nodded as he continued to gaze at her, leaning in and giving her a soft kiss in hopes of stopping the tears that were stinging behind his eyes from falling. He wanted names, but he knew he wasn't going to get them. Not tonight. And probably not from her. He would need to dig deeper for that.
"Is that why you needed this?" he asked. "To have your first time of your own freewill?"
"Yes, but I wanted it to be with you. Don't think for one second that I didn't."
Xander kissed her softly. Her body was still tense, but slowly began to ease as she let herself sink into him.
Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. His lips were so incredibly delicate in comparison to the rest of him, it seemed almost unnatural.
When Xander pulled away, he planted chaste kisses on her cheeks and forehead before looking at her again. She looked beautiful like this. Her hair spread out in thick waves across the pillow, her sea-green eyes dancing in the small crack of moonlight shining through the curtains, and her pink, plump lips, always ready for him. His cock twitched and he knew he had to have her again.
"Do I have to go back to my room now?" she asked as she played with a strand of his hair.
"No," he said. "Why would you think that?"
"Well, you don't normally let women stay in your bed. If I stay you're not going to make me sleep on the floor, are you?" The corners of her mouth twitched upwards.
"No, Leon. Only one-nighters have to sleep on the floor, and you're not a one-nighter."
Her smile deepened.
Wanting to taste that smile, Xander kissed her again, this time with much more oomph. He ran his hands down her sides, caressing her with well-trained fingers. She moaned as he hardened against her.
"Shall we give it another go?" he whispered, grinning triumphantly as she nodded. Her stay there just got a lot more interesting.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Deryn gazed at Xander as he panted above her, his heavily-lidded eyes filled with lust while the feeling of his thrusting made her burn from the inside out. He had one hand on the inside of her knee, holding her leg upward so she was more open to him, the other one keeping a death grip on her hip.
The two of them had been having sex every night and most mornings for over a week now, and Deryn finally felt like she was getting the hang of it.
"Oh, fuck! Deryn!" he shouted as she grazed her teeth across his neck. Her nails were digging sharply into his back, which he had learned meant she wanted him to thrust harder. So he did.
Most days when Xander was gone and Deryn was left alone to really contemplate what it was they were doing, she couldn't help but realize the insanity of it all. This was Xander Ruby. Someone who had been her enemy for years - more or less - and she had willingly given him something no one else ever had before. Her consent.
Deryn hated herself for letting this happen. She hated herself before they ever did anything. She hated herself after. But during ... well, that was something different entirely.
From the moment Xander would start sucking on her neck, letting her know exactly what it was he wanted, any hate she felt melted away and become pure, raw lust. Never in her life had she felt so incredibly alive than when he was inside of her, making her feel in ways she'd never thought possible. No, she definitely didn't hate that.
Xander grabbed her waist and flipped them so she was on top. He must have been close because he knew she always liked to finish like this. So she was the one in control. In the beginning, he had helped her move her hips but now she never let him, wanting to bring them both to the finish line on her own.
Deryn put her hands on his chest and began bouncing fervently. He reached up and tightly gripped her hair, pulling her head down for a passionate kiss. He loved to feel the sounds she made while coming against his lips.
The two of them had created such a perfect sync that they always finished within seconds of each other, mainly because Xander held back until she was ready. Deryn was first tonight, the vibrations from the moans she was finally learning to let loose pushing him over the edge.
And then it was over, Deryn's body going limp while he wrapped his arms around her, both breathing heavily as the hatred they had for themselves returned. No matter what, they both knew this could never end well. Someday soon, Deryn would leave and they would become enemies once more.
But, still, they kept at it. Because they had found something in each other that no one else could ever give them. Someone who understood. Even though they fought on opposite sides, they still knew what the other had been through, what they were going through now. And Deryn realized that this was something Dakota would never be able to comprehend.
The closer she grew to Xander, the more she dreaded going back to her old life. She was afraid to lose that comfort. What if she never found it again?
"Leon?"
Deryn looked down to see Xander watching her. He reached up and wiped her cheek. More tears. She hadn't even realized.
"Sorry," she said, her eyes suddenly moving to the black cloth he wore over his guard wristband. She stroked it while putting her head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. To hold onto that feeling of being alive for just a little bit longer. She smiled as Xander kissed the top of her head.
"Want to come out to the balcony with me?"
Deryn nodded, taking one last moment to feel his breathing against her cheek before slowly climbing off of him. She located her clothes, put them on and slipped into her cozy robe. When she finished tying the belt around her waist, Xander wrapped his arms around her, giving her a soft kiss before taking her hand and leading her outside.
When they got to the balcony, Deryn took her usual spot on the ground while Xander sat in his chair. He took out a cigarette and lit it, not blind to the way Deryn crinkled her nose. She never said anything, but he knew she hated it when he smoked, especially now that they were involved physically. Afterwards, she would always refuse to kiss him until he very thoroughly washed his mouth.
Deryn chewed her bottom lip as she stared down at the street through the crack in the stone. There was no movement down there, so he could not imagine what she was watching so fixedly. Probably being sucked into her mind again, overanalyzing everything they were doing, as she so often did.
"Something on your mind, Leon?"
She blinked back to reality. "No."
Xander continued to watch her as he took another drag
of his cigarette. "You already know I can tell when you're lying."
"It's nothing new. Just the same things I always think about after."
Xander frowned. "You do realize you've never told me what that is?"
"Yes."
"It just seems a bit backwards, doesn't it? That you'll let me stick my cock in you but you won't tell me what you're thinking," he said, leaning forward on his knees.
"Please don't say it like that," she said, clenching her eyes shut. "I just ... I don't like feeling dirty about it."
Xander smirked. "No reason to feel dirty. It's all just a beautiful, natural -"
"Not for me!" she interrupted, her cheeks becoming flushed.
He glanced sideways at her. "I wish you'd stop doing that."
"Doing what?" She stared back through the crack.
"Blaming yourself for something that was out of your control. I mean, if you truly see what you and I are doing in the same way -"
Deryn whipped her head back towards him and shouted, "No! That's not what I meant!"
"Then how do you see what we're doing, Leon?"
She looked shyly to the ground. "I don't know."
"Does it feel wrong?"
Deryn shook her head. "But not right either. I can't really explain it."
Xander watched her and sighed. He put out his cigarette and held out his arms. "Come here, Leon."
Deryn stood carefully, making sure her hair covered her face from anyone who just might be able to see them from down below. They may have been five floors up but she was still paranoid, as she should be. When she reached Xander, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her onto his lap.
"This isn't easy for me either. Wanting you," he said while nuzzling her neck. "Knowing no good will ever come of this. But I can't stop myself."
"Why do you want me, Xander?" she asked while tracing swirly patterns along his hand.
"There's no logic behind it. I just do."
"But you can have anyone. As a Guardian, pretty much all you have to do is point at a girl and she's yours."
Xander lifted his hand and pointed at Deryn.
Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) Page 24