I looked at Brianna in the rearview mirror. “Why do you ask that, baby girl?”
“Because she wasn’t nice to you like she usually is when you pick me up from children’s church.”
I had to chuckle. My daughter was too observant. “Maybe she was just tired, Bree.”
“No, she was normal during children’s church. She was only different when you came to get me. Did you hurt her feelings or something?”
I didn’t quite know how to answer that. Brianna picked up on my hesitation. “Dadddeeeee! What did you do?” She threw her hands in the air, expressing her extreme exasperation with me and my male stupidity.
I laughed. “Daddy didn’t do anything, Bree.”
“You have to apologize, okay?”
I laughed even harder. “I didn’t do anything. There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“Well, sometimes you have to apologize even if you didn’t do anything wrong.”
I shook my head and chuckled.
Brianna was not amused. “Daddy, don’t you remember what I said about real mamas and what would have to happen for Miss Cassandra to be my real mama?”
“I thought Gammy told you that was grown-up stuff that you weren’t supposed to be thinking about and talking about?”
Brianna folded her arms, poked out her lips, and stared out the window, dismissing me. It was clear that I was ruining her plans and she wasn’t happy about it. We drove in silence for a while. I guessed she was punishing me.
My cell phone rang. I was surprised to see Shauntae’s number. Maybe she had decided she wanted to see Brianna. I was glad—I didn’t want her to be completely out of her daughter’s life. In spite of how crazy Shauntae was, a total absence of her mother all at once might be too traumatic for Brianna. “Hello, Shauntae.”
“Devon, ummm, how you doin’?”
“Fine. How are you? Good to hear from you. Are you calling to see Brianna? We’re actually on our way home from church, but I could head—”
“Naw, I cain’t see her today. I . . . uh . . .” Her pause was enough to let me know that she was calling to ask for something.
“What’s up, Shauntae?”
“Look, I know what you said about the child support, but I . . . Remember what I told you about my rent?”
I let out a deep breath. “I remember.”
“Well, I need help this one last time or they gon’ put me out.”
I chewed my bottom lip, thinking. I finally decided I had to make a stand. She was saying “this one last time,” but both of us knew it wouldn’t be. She would drain my pockets as long as I would let her. And now that Brianna was going to be with me full time, there was no reason for me to let her anymore. “I can’t do it. I can’t cover all the medical bills and pay you child support for a child you’re not taking care of. It’s too much, Shauntae. You’re gonna have to do something else.”
“Devon, she’s still my child. And we still have a court agreement saying that we have joint custody and that you’re supposed to pay me child support.”
I peeked into the rearview mirror to see if Brianna was listening. She had fallen asleep. Whenever she rode in the car, she either talked a mile a minute or fell asleep within a few miles of me driving. I tried to keep my voice low. “Like I said, we can go back to court to get that changed. You know we have a meeting with the social worker tomorrow morning. After she documents what put Brianna back in the hospital, you can—”
“Why you gotta be threatening me? I don’t see why you can’t help me this last time. It’s not like you ain’t got it.”
“You’re not my responsibility. What makes you think I should be paying your bills? Brianna’s not there, so—”
“Well maybe she should be with me. Until we get the court order changed, she should still be coming to my house on the weekends and you should still be paying child support.”
“We saw what happened when Brianna stayed with you. And we both agreed—”
“We didn’t both agree on nothing. You made a decision like you running thangs. But I don’t have to agree. I was talking to my friend, Juney, who works in family court and he said you can’t take her and stop paying child support without a change in the court order.”
“Juney? Is he a family lawyer?”
“No, he cleans the floors down there at the court and gets to hear a lot of the cases. And he said—”
“Shauntae, I don’t care nothing about what your friend, Juney the janitor, said. You’re not gonna take Brianna and have her end up in the hospital again. I’ll make sure you go to jail first.” It was difficult to keep my voice down. I looked at Brianna in the rearview mirror and she still looked like she was knocked out.
“You would send your daughter’s mother to jail?”
“If it keeps my daughter out of the hospital, yes.”
“All you have to do is give me the check and then you don’t have to worry about Brianna being in the hospital.”
“So you’d risk your daughter’s life for six hundred dollars?”
“Why you gotta say it that way? I’m just trying to pay my rent.”
“And I’m just trying to keep my daughter healthy.”
“She’s fine, ain’t she? She left the hospital yesterday morning so it couldn’t have been that bad.”
I was glad for a stoplight; otherwise, I might have had to pull the car over. “Not that bad? You are crazy. If I never knew it before, I know it now. How can you say our daughter having to end up in the hospital sick because of your negligence is not that bad? You’ve lost your mind if you think I’ll ever let her be in your custody again. You don’t care about Brianna—all you want is a check. You crazy—”
Shauntae exploded into a rage of curse words and I hung up the phone. My hands were shaking and I gripped the steering wheel tight. I cursed the day I ever met Shauntae in that bar and took her home with me. I looked into the rearview mirror at my little sleeping angel. Why couldn’t I have had her by someone else? Someone like Cassandra. The thought fell into my mind before I could stop it.
I wanted to call her to tell her that she was right about Shauntae not giving up so easy. I wanted to hear her musical voice, to hear her say something sassy that would make me laugh and forget about how crazy Shauntae was. I wanted to feel her soft touch on my back that had a magical way of calming me down.
I let out a deep breath. I didn’t even understand why Cassandra was mad at me. I wasn’t expecting her to have a “no sex” rule. It wasn’t my fault that she shocked me by springing it on me all of a sudden like that. I mean, I knew theoretically that Christians weren’t supposed to have sex outside of marriage; my dad had said it enough times since I was sixteen years old when he found a pack of condoms in my sock drawer. But I didn’t know anybody who ever actually lived by that rule.
My cell rang again. I figured it was Shauntae, calling to cuss me out some more. Instead it was Chuckie. I was glad to see his name. If Cassandra couldn’t make me laugh, surely he would.
“Wassup, dawg?” I answered.
“Don’t wassup me. What you do, fool?”
“What you talking about?”
“Cassandra and Tisha were on the phone all night while she was supposed to be spending time with me. Then, they just spent twenty minutes talking in the parking lot after church. Tisha is acting all disgusted with me like I did something. What you do, man?”
“I didn’t do nothing at all. In fact, we had a really good time yesterday, until she told me she was celibate. And because I didn’t throw a ‘I’m happy at the prospect of not having sex’ party, I’m the devil.” I realized my tone was a little more hostile than it shoulda been, but after dealing with Shauntae and now being blamed for Chuckie’s issues with Tisha because Cassandra was upset with me, I had a bit of a ’tude.
Chuckie was quiet. And then it dawned on me. “Chuck, does uh . . . Tisha have the same rule as Cassandra?”
My boy ain’t say a word. I let out a low whistle. “Dawg, you ain’t gett
in’ none?” Good thing I pulled into my driveway because I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. This was more shocking than Shauntae’s craziness.
“Chuck, you ain’t saying nothing. You trying to tell me that—”
“Yeah, man. A’ight? Yeah.”
“Wow . . .” When I opened Brianna’s car door and the cool November air hit her, she woke up. I was grateful not to have to pick her up and carry her into the house. She stumbled out of the car and grabbed me around the waist to guide her into the house in her half-asleep state. “Why you ain’t tell me, man?”
“It’s not the kinda thing you tell, now is it?”
“Is that why you talking about marriage all of a sudden?”
“Naw, man. I’m gonna marry Tisha because I love her. I love her a lot.”
“So you and Tisha have never . . .”
“I ain’t saying we been perfect. But the one time we messed up, she cried so hard I couldn’t stand it. Dude, I thought I had done my best work and she cried for an hour straight. Broke up with me and told me she never wanted to see me again. Said that no matter how much she loved me, she loved God more and she wouldn’t let me mess up her relationship with Him. I felt like dirt and I swore I would never let that happen again.”
“I hear what you sayin’. But how, man?” I led Brianna into her bedroom and sat her on her bed and pulled off her shoes. I didn’t bother with taking off her dress, and just slid her into the bed and pulled the covers over her.
“It ain’t easy. In fact, it’s real hard. I mean, you’ve seen Tisha. She’s . . . you know. But after seeing her cry and realizing that I could lose her if I didn’t do things her way—or should I say, if we didn’t do things God’s way—I had to decide she was worth it.”
I looked at my watch as I left Brianna’s room. I couldn’t let her sleep too long. I needed to stick her finger to see what was going on with her sugar levels. “I hear you. I don’t know if I could do it.”
“Dawg, if I could do it, anybody could. You just have to decide if you think Cassandra is worth it. That’s the question you have to ask yourself.”
“Hmmph.” I went into the kitchen to pull out a Tupperware container of food Mom had cooked for Brianna. I was sure she’d spend the afternoon cooking for the week.
“Your choice, man. Even though it’s been hard, Tisha is the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m not gonna let her go for nothin’.”
“I hear you, Chuckie. I just need to get my mind wrapped around it.”
“I’m glad that’s all it was. I didn’t want to have to come over there and beat you senseless over some dumb junk you did to Cassandra.”
“It’s like that? After all these years we been brothers?”
“Yep. Best believe it.”
“Wow. A’ight. I see how you is.”
Chuckie laughed. “I’ll catch you later, man. I need to go play nice with Tisha now that I know you didn’t mess her girl over.”
“Bye, man.”
I hung up the phone in disbelief. Chuckie was in a serious relationship with one woman for months and wasn’t having sex? And was committed to staying in it. Made me think twice about Cassandra. Especially since she was the one person I wanted to talk to and be with right now with everything that was going on in my world.
But still. No sex? I was just getting to the point where I was deciding that I might actually be in a relationship with Cassandra. I wasn’t ready to commit myself to marriage. How long could I be with her without having sex? A year or two? Naw, man. Chuckie could have that. I didn’t see it working for me.
Brianna suddenly appeared in front of me, rubbing her eyes. “Daddy, I feel funny. I think we need to stick my finger.”
I couldn’t believe she was volunteering. I pulled out her glucometer and got everything set up to check her sugar. When I moved close to stick her, she closed her eyes and started singing loudly. Her sugar was low so I gave her a cup of juice and put the Tupperware container in the microwave to warm it up.
“Daddy, do you think you should buy Miss Cassandra some flowers?”
I groaned inwardly. The child had a one-track mind.
“’Cause if a man makes a woman upset, then all he has to do is buy her flowers or candy or something nice and that makes it all better.”
“Is that so, Bree?”
“Yeah. So, you should buy her something nice and tell her you’re sorry.”
The microwave dinged and I pulled out the food and fixed Brianna a plate. I figured I’d finish whatever she didn’t eat. It was either that or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Okay, Daddy?”
I set the food in front of her. “Bree, I think you need to follow Gammy’s advice and stay out of grown folks business.” I said it with enough firmness that I was sure she’d leave it alone.
She sat there without saying anything and without eating.
“Eat your food, Brianna, so your sugar can go up.” She sat there and then I noticed a tear falling down her cheek.
“What’s wrong?”
Brianna shook her head and didn’t say anything. Soon, there were tears streaming down both cheeks.
“Bree, what’s wrong with you?”
She shook her head and covered her face with her hands. I pulled her hands away from her face.”Are you feeling sick? Talk to Daddy.”
“I can’t talk to you because you said I couldn’t talk about it.” She buried her face in her hands and began to sob.
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Brianna, dry your face and eat your food. I am not going to have this conversation with you. I’m going to change my clothes and when I get back, all these tears better be gone and you better be finishing your food. Do you hear me?”
She nodded, hands still covering her face.
“I mean it, Bree.”
Brianna continued to cry silently. I knew she was miserable, imagining a life without Miss Cassandra. I couldn’t get but so mad at her because I thought she was expressing the way we both felt.
I walked into my room and closed the door behind me. I paced back and forth for a few minutes and then pulled out my iPhone. I didn’t expect her to answer, so I left a voice mail.
“Cassandra, this is Devon. I was hoping we could talk.”
Seventeen
I continued to leave messages for Cassandra for the next couple of days, but she never got back to me. I didn’t know if she was making a point to let me know how serious she was, or if she was putting distance between us so she could get me out of her system. I didn’t realize how much I had gotten used to her smile. How much I looked forward to seeing her. I was glad I’d get a chance to see her when I dropped Brianna off for art class on Saturday, but then again, it might not be so pleasant if she continued to give me the cold shoulder.
Brianna did well her first couple of days back in school. Mom brought over enough Tupperware meals to last until Christmas. I left enough out for the next couple of days and put the rest in the freezer. Mom also made some special diabetic treats. Her special touch was something she had done when me and my sister were younger: she put little notes in the lunches she had prepared, telling Brianna how special she was, how smart and talented she was, and all sorts of good stuff.
I packed up Brianna’s glucometer, logbook, and insulin in a bright pink bag for her to take to school. The nurse had two other kids in the school with diabetes, so she was well acquainted with how to handle Brianna. When I dropped Brianna off at school after her doctor’s appointment on Monday morning, I stopped in to see her and explained everything. I made sure to tell her about Brianna’s singing technique. She was amused and said she’d have to try it with her other students.
Of course, Shauntae didn’t show up for the doctor’s appointment or the appointment with the social worker. I had a long, honest talk with the social worker about what had happened and why Brianna got sick so fast after the first time she got discharged from the hospital. I told her about the custody issues and even my conversati
on with Shauntae on Sunday. She documented everything and for a little while, we discussed whether to have Shauntae picked up by the police for leaving Brianna in the house alone.
I didn’t know what to do. It seemed extreme to send her to jail, but I reminded myself that if I had sent her to jail the last time she left Brianna in the house alone, I wouldn’t have many of my current troubles. But if Shauntae got locked up, the only way Brianna could see her was for me to take my child to the county jail. Which was worse: not seeing her mother at all, or seeing her mother behind bars? I couldn’t put Brianna through that. She had been through enough.
The social worker was concerned about what Shauntae might do, but I assured her that she was all talk. I would see what I needed to do to get our current custody agreement officially changed as quickly as possible, but until then, Brianna would be safe with me.
Every day at noon, Brianna called to let me know she was fine and what her sugars were and how everything was going. I could tell she liked having a cell phone. I had to make her get off the phone each time. I could just imagine her being all animated, hand on her hip, phone tucked under her ear, and her talking loud so that everyone would see her on the phone.
By Thursday, I was confident that everything would be fine. Brianna’s sugars were cool all week except for once when her sugar dropped. Her teacher spent class time educating the entire class about her disease and how to react in a crisis. When her sugar dropped, the whole class helped her to get juice and peppermint. Instead of feeling abnormal because of her diabetes, Brianna was now the class celebrity. I had to make sure she didn’t milk it to get special treatment from her teacher or fake sick to get attention from her class.
During the week, Chuckie called me to let me know that Tisha would be tied up on Friday night at some women’s meeting at the church. He wanted to know if I wanted to go shoot some pool. I made a wisecrack about him only having time for me because Tisha was occupied, but I was glad to have an evening out with my boy. He called AJ, but he said it was movie night with the wife and kids so he couldn’t hang. I knew pretty soon Chuckie would be doing the same thing—especially since he was talking like marriage was imminent.
Finding Mrs. Wright Page 16