But amongst the facts I’d been fed had been the simple one that the person I had to blame for my present condition was a garage owner by the name of Tony Clayton. I stared at him, and felt nothing. He was uneasy and restless. His eyes would not hold mine. He glanced down at his glass.
‘I might need the car,’ I said in a neutral voice.
He looked up eagerly. ‘I’ll tax it for you. But you’ll have to check on the insurance. You’ll have all the papers...’ He stopped, flustered. ‘But you don’t remember me, do you?’
‘I remember you.’
What I remembered came as an abrupt, brilliant picture in my mind. In it, he was towering – seemed huge in my second of reconstruction – at his desk, with the window behind him. His face was in shadow. I could detect no expression, but his voice was loud and aggressive. ‘...be damned if I’ll let you take anything out of this office...’
I smiled as the image died, and my amusement angered him again. But now his anger was tempered by time. His face, I realised, was thinner, and there was weariness and suffering behind his eyes. When he spoke he’d already controlled himself. His voice was no more than disgruntled.
‘I don’t see what’s funny.’
‘You were furious,’ I explained, taking his question seriously. ‘The way I remembered you.’
‘That’s funny?’
‘You said I wasn’t going to take anything out of your office. I’m sure I wouldn’t have done that, if you objected.’
‘But you bloody-well did.’
‘I took...what?’ I asked, keeping my eyes on his.
‘Wages book, bank statements, cheque stubs, petty-cash books...’
My memory had blank spots about my previous work as a Social Security Inspector, but I was fairly clear on one point: books were not impounded unless something very serious had been discovered. I sat and stared at him. In the shadowed car park beside the Social Security office, this man had caught up with me and smashed in my head with a large adjustable spanner, apparently to recover his books. So the issue must have been serious. I could remember nothing of what the issue had been.
‘I’ll get you the other half,’ he said, gesturing towards my glass. Perhaps my eyes on him had made him nervous.
‘No. No, thanks. I’m not supposed to drink too much alcohol.’
‘Oh?’
‘I get headaches.’
‘Yes.’ He looked away. ‘I suppose you would.’
We eyed each other cautiously. There seemed nothing more to say. He raised his hand from the table, then flapped it back. There was a hopelessness about the gesture. I thought he was about to leave, but he did not.
‘For heaven’s sake!’ I burst out. ‘What’s this all about? What do you want with me?’
‘I heard you were back in town.’
‘Don’t tell me you’ve been wondering when I’d be coming to hunt you out.’
‘I’ve only been back a week, myself.’
‘Yes.’
‘From Winson Green.’
‘The prison?’
‘I got two years. Time off for good behaviour. Got out a week ago.’
‘Me too. Out a bit longer, though.’
‘What?’
‘A month ago. From the convalescent home.’ Then I was laughing, though I wanted to cry, and couldn’t understand either emotion. All I knew was that we’d both lost fifteen months of our lives, and what I knew of the reason didn’t make sense.
This time he could laugh with me, but only miserably. I stopped when I saw I was making him afraid. Afraid of me? But I felt nothing, no desire for retribution, no fury, no haunting cry for revenge within me.
‘So what is it you want?’ I asked.
He moved his glass around on the table, looking down at it. And mumbled something.
‘I didn’t hear that.’
He looked up defiantly. ‘I want you to come to the garage and go through my books.’
‘It’s not my job...’
‘As a favour.’
‘Didn’t you know? I’m retired on health grounds. I’m not in the Civil Service now. Not your local Social Security Inspector.’
This I offered to him savagely. My job was just one of the things he’d taken from me, though not by any means as important as the loss of my memory. The job was a loss I’d become reconciled to, the resentment, if any, being directed against the Department, which had been just a little too anxious to see the back of me, I thought. I mean, they could have given me unpaid leave for a year – two years – then taken me back. All right, it could be argued that I would never be able to handle the work, but they hadn’t given me the chance to give it a try. The Welfare Officer had been persuasive. Perhaps he’d been more concerned with the welfare of the Department. My memory did at least supply the information that I had not always conformed to rules and regulations.
So my response to Clayton was savage, though not directed at him. All the same, he flinched, but he persisted.
‘As a favour.’
‘A favour...to you? Lord – you must be crazy.’ I said this less aggressively. I was beginning to realise there had to be more behind it than his plain request. Curiosity held me.
His smile faded, but he went on stubbornly, as though he’d rehearsed it all. ‘I’ve been out a week. I told you. My wife’s been running the place, and doing a good job of it, with a bit of a hand from the accountant. But...’ A shrug. His huge shoulders moved heavily. ‘But I don’t know. There’s something wrong.’
‘If you’ve got an accountant...’
‘All the same, if you’d just give them a look through. You must’ve had years of experience...’ He left it hanging, like a bait, and either he was very clever or he’d dropped by accident right on the words that captured me.
Experience, yes. I’d been the local Inspector for the Department of Health and Social Security for eight solid years. Normally, in the Civil Service, you get moved around the different sections, broadening the experience, but I’d held on to the Inspector’s job. It got me out of the office, to meet new people and new situations. If you like the Inspector’s job, there’d be nobody itching to take it from you. Your average civil service is not keen to get out on his own, away from his row of instruction books and his senior officers. So I’d been allowed to build up experience on the outside job. But that didn’t make me an accountant. I’d been interested in wages books, not company accounts; in contracts of service and industrial accidents, not profit and loss.
But it had been experience, and one of the things I bitterly regretted was the waste, all of it gone for nothing. Now I was offered the chance to re-engage my interest, yet I was facing the rather frightening knowledge that I might have lost it all from my mind.
‘I’ve never had any training in accountacy,’ I said, trying to make it a definite rejection.
He shrugged that away. ‘Come and have a look. It wouldn’t hurt you.’
Was he offering me friendship, perhaps something more? A job as a wages clerk?
I said: ‘Why not? Come on, then.’ I got to my feet. I had nothing better to do.
He led me outside. He had no car, and for a moment I hesitated. His glance at me was speculative. ‘It’s only just down the road.’
And yes, I had forgotten. Heavens, it was possible I’d had lunch at The Winking Frog that morning, before I went on to check his books, or whatever had taken me to his garage premises, Pool Street Motors. Ah, you see, let the subconscious do it, and the name came to me easily and smoothly.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I remember now.’
Remembered driving down Pool Street from the pub in my Volvo, past the flower pot factory that was the cause of Pool Street. Or at least, was the cause of its name. More recently they’d switched to plastic pots, but I could remember the days when the kilns spread their special tangy fumes along this street, could remember it because it was way back, twenty years before the assault. Go back far enough, and everything was quite clear in my mind. The pool
was where they’d taken their clay, and it was still there, nobody having troubled to fill it in. Pool Street Motors backed on to the pool. It was possible they shoved their useless old wrecks in there.
Clayton was silent as we walked down the long hill, and I had no wish to speak, not even to think if I could get by without. It was late March, but not so long ago there’d been snow on this hill, though at that time I’d been safely tucked away where it didn’t matter. There’d been a bitter driving wind that other day, when I’d coasted down it with the Volvo. Five hours before the attack on me, that had been, a dark November day with the hills beyond the town hidden in the driven squalls. Five hours! It was the earliest memory of that day that I’d so far recovered. I felt a twinge of excitement and expectancy. Perhaps a visit to the garage would unearth much more. Perhaps it would please me. That, I didn’t know.
I did not recognise the garage. The block of six self-service petrol pumps seemed to be new, certainly they were clean and bright. There was an unfamiliar cash office and self-service shop. The name across the front had been recently repainted: Pool Street Motors.
‘Tarted it up a bit,’ he said with pride.
So...what did he find wrong? Little to complain of, surely. He took me round the back, past the car wash, which I didn’t remember at all, and up an outside flight of wooden stairs, which, suddenly, I did recall. Below this was the corrugated iron structure they used for car servicing, beyond that a dreary expanse of open space scattered with wrecks (help yourself to spares – bring your own tools) and beyond that the pool, looking exactly as it had always done, dreary and opaque, and dead.
‘The office,’ he told me, throwing open a door from the landing at the top.
I’d have known it for an office, but not the office, not the last one I’d visited that day. I stood, and looked round, my heart suddenly hammering.
My brief image of him standing behind his desk and shouting had no reality in this setting. For one thing, the desk was not in front of the window, as in my memory, but skewed across a corner. It was not even the same desk. Larger, more modern. How did I know this, I wondered, and yet my general impression, still carried with me as a subliminal feeling, was of squalor, of dirty, smoke-blackened walls and tatty girlie calendars, creaky wooden filing cabinets and uncertain folding chairs. The walls were now clean, the one calendar was of birds, the two visitor’s chairs were plastic and tubular steel. The filing cabinets were grey steel.
I was in a strange office, with a stranger. I turned to look at him, and did not recognise him in this setting.
‘I don’t know,’ I said. My only memory of this place was of stress and emotion.
He didn’t give me a chance to change my mind, but whipped open the top drawer of the nearest filing cabinet and lifted out a pile of account books and loose-leaf files, banged them down on the desk, and stood back.
‘Have a look through ‘em,’ he said, beaming at me proudly.
It was simply stupid. Even if I’d been right on top of the job, I’d have needed hours, days...‘Oh...come on!’ I said, but all the same I looked at them.
They were new. Everything was new around there, as though something had been wiped away as cleanly as my memory. New books. I lifted a cover, and was looking at a page of neat entries. The date on the first one was December 1st, fifteen months before, a fortnight after my assault. I opened the others. The same. Tidy and immaculate. Where were the oil-dirty account books, dog-eared with loose pages, some of them hanging torn from the covers, which suddenly I recalled so clearly, lying on that very same surface? No, the desk had changed. It was not the same surface, and not the same account books.
I looked up abruptly, and for one brief second saw a different Tony Clayton. He was staring at me dourly, shoulders hunched and his head low, a savage anticipation in his eyes.
‘I’ll need the old books,’ I said, as though I really intended to get down to the job.
‘They’re not here.’
‘Where, then?’
‘The accountant’s got ‘em, I reckon.’
‘Reckon? You reckon? Don’t you know? You say your wife’s been looking after things. Haven’t you asked her? Where is she, anyway? What’s going on here, Clayton?’
‘You don’t know?’ he asked quietly.
‘Would I ask you if I...?’
‘Don’t know about her?’ he asked heavily, no light now in his eyes.
‘How the hell would I know...’ I stopped, the loudness of my voice ringing from the walls, and suddenly I was afraid. I was a stranger to myself. This could not be me, this hot, furious and lost man, shouting my hatred–and yes, it was hatred–at Tony Clayton. I gripped the edge of the desk and stared down at those pristine books, placed there to mock me, and hung on. I had been told to relax, not to allow myself to become involved with stress. My head pounded, and for a moment the desk surface blurred. I could have sat back on to the swivel chair behind me, but somehow pride held me firm. Then I looked up.
‘You could ask your accountant for the old books, then maybe I’d get some sort of picture.’
Still his voice seemed to be probing. ‘I thought you’d ask him.’
I sighed. ‘When I was an officer of the DHSS I could’ve done that. But now I’ve got no authority at all. I don’t understand this. What does your wife say? What is it that you think is wrong?’
He relaxed suddenly. ‘It’s a feeling.’ He shrugged, then walked across to stand glumly staring out of the window. His mood had changed. ‘All this – in only a year.’ He didn’t mean what he was looking at, the roof of the corrugated iron structure and the dreary pool. I knew what he meant.
‘Have you asked your wife?’
‘My wife isn’t here.’ His voice was dull, indistinct. ‘She’s disappeared.’
Then, for a long minute, there was silence between us. I was aware that he had not brought me there to examine his books, but simply in order to make that statement. To me. Why me? I looked at his profile, the jaw hard now, none of the weakness I’d seen full face. I ventured:
‘How d’you mean, disappeared?’
‘What d’you think I mean?’ he snapped, glancing sideways. Then, more quietly: ‘She visited me regularly, you know, with news how things were going, the improvements she was making, how much Michael Orton was helping her, and I got not one single hint...’
‘Who did you say?’
‘Our accountant, Michael Orton.’
‘Oh God!’
I was aware he had my arm, and was steadying me. I thought I was laughing at the irony of it, that Orton should intrude on me there, but apparently the sound I was making didn’t give the impression of amusement. I must have known that Orton had been his accountant, but I had completely forgotten.
‘What’s the matter?’ He shook my arm.
‘Nothing. He’s just the one accountant I wouldn’t want to approach. Not for you, not for me.’
Michael Orton was the man who was now married to my ex-wife, Valerie.
I looked steadily at him. ‘You were saying?’
‘Are you listening?’
‘I’m listening.’ But remembering. That damned memory, it worked well enough on the things I’d have preferred to forget, and which now came flooding back. Such as Michael Orton, who’d always managed to convey to me his contempt whilst smiling at me, and managed to condescend with every second word. I remembered the first time I’d met him – and Valerie, as it happened...’
Clayton was saying: ‘...she was intending to pick me up at the prison, but she didn’t come. Nobody came. In the end, I had to get a taxi to the station and find my own way. And nobody here knew anything about it...about her. There was no note, no message. The last entry in the books is the day before I came out.’
He stopped. I opened a book and checked that point. ‘Friday the seventeenth?’ I asked.
‘I came out on the Saturday.’
‘Yes.’ I didn’t know what else to say. I sat. He stood. We were silent. At la
st I asked the obvious.
‘Have you told the police?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘I was in for GBH,’ he said stubbornly. ‘You know what that means? Grievous Bodily Harm.’
‘I know what it feels like.’ Which was a lie. I didn’t remember what it felt like.
‘Ha!’ he snarled in disgust. ‘You don’t have to be funny.’
‘Sorry. So...what if you were?’
‘A chap comes out of prison after a sentence of GBH, and straightaway he says his wife’s missing, and everybody knows he knows that his wife’s been having it away with her accountant...so, what’ll they think?’ He nodded out of the window. ‘The first thing they’d do would be to start dragging that pool out there.’
‘Don’t talk so stupid.’
His voice had been breaking with emotion, and I had to shout at him. But really I needed silence, to absorb what he’d said.
Michael Orton, my wife’s husband of a year, and he’d been playing around the whole of that time...Lord, but it was lovely, or tragic. I had to have silence in order to decide which.
‘What’s so stupid about it?’ he demanded. ‘Once you’ve been inside, they’ve got you pegged.’
‘I don’t believe that.’
‘The first thing they’d do...’
‘She’d be frightened of you,’ I told him, seeing now the man who could be capable of smashing my head in with a spanner. This Tony Clayton looked capable of anything.
‘You see!’ he shouted. ‘You, now!’
‘And why not me?’ I demanded. ‘Why should you expect sympathy and understanding from me? What the hell do I care if your wife leaves you because she’s terrified of you! She knows what you did to me. I’d be scared, in her shoes. I bet she couldn’t get away fast enough...’
He reached forward and grabbed my arm and thrust his face close, and for one moment I thought he was going to attack me again. But it was pain I saw in his eyes. Entreaty.
‘It wasn’t me,’ he said, his voice thick. ‘And you know it.’
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