After making him put on a paper gown over his clothes, the nurse led him to a glass cubicle where Sarah lay propped up in a hospital bed. A bunch of wires and tubes were attached to her, and she was getting oxygen through her nose. An overhead monitor kept track of her vital signs.
Dread filled his chest as he approached Sarah. He took her hand and found it dry and limp. When he squeezed, she didn’t respond.
“Please, Sarah,” he whispered, his throat so tight he could barely speak. “Don’t die. I don’t want to lose you. The kids love you. I know they do.” So did Kurt. More than he’d thought possible.
Slowly, she opened her eyes.
“Hi.” His voice cracked with emotion.
“Sorry…to ruin the party.” She licked her lips, which looked dry.
He held up a cup of water and let her take a sip through the plastic straw.
“You didn’t ruin anything,” he said. “Everybody’s worried about you.”
“I’ll be…fine. Little setback.”
It was crazy that she was trying to reassure him, not the other way around. But he couldn’t. Not when she looked so pale, so vulnerable and small in the hospital bed.
Could her body possibly survive another heart transplant?
“They’re going to run some tests in the morning,” he said.
“I know. Doctors do that a lot.”
In her voice he could hear a weary note echoing her years of going through one test after another. How hard it must have been for her as a child, and then as an adult, when her heart started to fail. No wonder she had wanted to get away for a few weeks, leave doctors and hospitals behind. Visit Montana.
Now Kurt had brought her to a new hospital, and the tests would start all over again.
Would God fail her like He had failed Zoe?
The nurse stuck her head into the room. “Time to go now. She needs her rest.”
“I’ll wait outside,” Kurt told Sarah. “They only let me see you for ten minutes at a time.”
She squeezed his hand, although she was so weak he could barely feel it. “No, go home. Tell them I’ll be fine.”
How could he tell them that when he wasn’t sure himself? Neither was the doctor. “I can call them.”
“No, go home,” she ordered, the bravest woman he’d ever known. “Take care of your family. Tomorrow.” She struggled to draw enough breath to speak. “The doctor will know more.”
The nurse grew impatient, and Kurt knew he’d have to leave.
Bending over, he brushed a kiss to Sarah’s lips, so soft and warm he wanted to linger.
He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but what good would that do?
Most of all, he wanted her to be well.
In the hospital parking lot, he sat hunched behind the steering wheel of his truck for a long time. Helplessness and futility stalked him. He longed for the power to help Sarah. If it were possible, he’d give her his heart. Let his heart beat inside her chest and keep her alive.
Resting his head on the steering wheel, tears came. He couldn’t stop them. Didn’t try.
His chest heaved with sobs that rose from deep in his soul. He ached from the pain that ripped through him. Found nowhere to go for solace to ease the anguish. “Sarah, I need you. Don’t leave me.”
Almost dark when Kurt got back to the ranch, the storm had passed and all the lights were on in the house.
He pulled up near the back door. Toby was the first one on the porch to greet him, quickly followed by Beth and Grace. Even ol’ Rudy came out of the barn to find out what was going on.
Kurt’s children pummeled him with questions.
“Is Sarah okay?”
“What happened to her?”
“Are they gonna give her a new heart?”
“Why did Mom’s heart quit?”
“Is Sarah gonna die?”
“No!” Kurt swallowed hard and pressed his way past the children. He couldn’t, wouldn’t tell them how perilous her condition was. He’d lie because he couldn’t, wouldn’t face the truth. Not until he had to. “She’s going to be fine. The doctor’s doing some tests in the morning and then he’ll know what he has to do next.”
He halted in the middle of the kitchen, gathering his kids to his side, wrapping an arm around each of them. He met Grace’s concerned gaze. “Sarah doesn’t want you to worry. She’s a strong woman. We all know that. So she’ll be fine in no time.”
“Word has spread about Sarah and people have been calling.” A tremor shook Grace’s voice. “They’re all worried about her. Bonnie Sue from the diner. Pastor Hoffman and Alexis. They’re all saying prayers for her.”
If Kurt thought prayers would work, he’d get down on his knees and stay there until Sarah came back home. Home to his ranch.
“I’m going to say a prayer for her, too,” Beth said.
Smoothing his daughter’s hair, Kurt figured her prayer couldn’t hurt and might make Beth feel like she was helping.
His prayers hadn’t helped Zoe.
Not hungry for the dinner Grace offered, Kurt went out to the barn to get the horses settled for the night. By rote, he tossed hay into the stalls, added oats to their feed bags.
Later he tried to sleep, but he barely closed his eyes all night, and he was up at first light. He drove back to Shelby. As he was entering the hospital, Pastor Hoffman was coming out.
“Hello, Kurt. Good to see you,” the older man said.
“Pastor.” Kurt took the hand that was offered.
“I’ve just come from seeing Sarah. I came early so I could get back in time to give my sermon, not that the congregation couldn’t use a break from my weekly harangues.”
Kurt didn’t much care about his sermons one way or another. “How is she?”
“Alert but weak. In good spirits, though. She has an amazing faith, Kurt. I think she’ll pull through.”
“I hope so.” Kurt started to step away.
“They just took her for some tests,” the pastor said.
“She’ll be sorry she missed you.”
“I’ll wait.”
The pastor placed a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “If you want to talk later, call me. I can come back to the hospital. Or you can come to the parsonage. I should be there all afternoon.”
Kurt shook his head. “No, I’m fine. Thanks.”
He walked upstairs to the ICU. Sarah wasn’t there. He told the nurse he’d wait and asked her to let Dr. Trevor know he was there.
Then he sat down on a pale green couch in the ICU waiting room and began his vigil.
When Dr. Trevor came out of the ICU, he was wearing green scrubs and something like a shower cap covered his hair. His expression was grim.
A spurt of fear shot Kurt to his feet. “What happened?”
“We took her into the O.R. this morning and per formed a myocardial biopsy. The results were in conclusive.”
“What does that mean?” Kurt didn’t understand myocardial anything but inconclusive wasn’t the word he’d been hoping for.
“It means we’re not sure if the rejection Sarah is experiencing can be reversed. We’ll have to keep watching and waiting and hoping her body can heal quickly. If not…”
The tightness in Kurt’s chest nearly exploded.
“We’re increasing her meds,” the doctor explained. “Stopping the infection that caused the rejection is critical at this juncture. If we can do that, her prognosis improves considerably.”
“Keep her inside a sterile bubble if that’s what she needs.”
The doctor chuckled. “Maintaining her in an ICU setting should be sufficient.” His expression turned sentimental. “You’re a lucky man, Mr. Ryder, to have such a tough, determined woman love you so deeply. She seems more worried about you and your family than herself.”
The doctor’s revelation stunned Kurt. Sarah loved him? If that was true, why had she not wanted a relationship with him? Had she had a change of heart?
He shook his head. Maybe he just plain did
n’t understand women.
“There’s one other thing I did at Sarah’s insistence,” the doctor said. “I consulted with Dr. Jennings and your late wife’s physician here in Shelby. Sarah was not the recipient of Zoe’s heart.”
As though his legs had been yanked out from under him, Kurt sat down hard on the couch.
“Not Zoe’s heart?” he questioned, baffled by the doctor’s announcement. “That’s the whole reason she came to Sweet Grass Valley.” To the Rocking R Ranch.
“It doesn’t matter. Your late wife’s blood type wouldn’t have been compatible with Sarah’s. She would have instantly rejected the heart, assuming some doctor was foolish enough to transplant the organ into her body.”
Kurt’s head spun like he was on a carnival Tilt-A-Whirl. “Then whose heart does she have?”
“I don’t know nor does Dr. Jennings. And if we did know, we wouldn’t be permitted to reveal that information to you or to Sarah.”
“Did you… Does Sarah know?”
“Yes, I told her this morning.”
The Tilt-A-Whirl came to a jarring halt. “How did she react?” Was she mentally packing to return to Seattle to start her search for the donor family all over again?
“I’d say surprise was her primary reaction. Plus some concern about you and your family and how you’d respond to the news.” He shrugged. “I have to get on with my rounds. If you have any questions, give my office a call and page me. The nurse will let you know when you can visit Sarah.”
Kurt stood, his legs still a little shaky. “Thank you, doctor.”
“The time for thanks is if and when I can release her and let her go home.” Giving Kurt a casual wave, the doctor vanished behind the ICU doorway.
It was a long time before the nurse granted Kurt permission to step into her inner sanctum. She garbed him in a paper gown again.
Not sure what to expect, he approached Sarah with caution.
“Hey, there,” he said. “The doctor says you’re doing good.”
“Liar,” she said with the hint of a smile, lifting her hand to him. She still looked pale, and there were bruises of fatigue under her eyes.
He ran his thumb over the back of her hand, her skin smooth and soft and warm. Caressable.
“Did Dr. Trevor—” she drew a breath “—tell you about my heart?”
“You mean that it’s not Zoe’s?”
She nodded. “Grace, the children. It might upset them.” Although she didn’t ask, her eyes seemed to be asking him how he was reacting.
“I don’t care whose heart is inside your chest. I just want it to keep on beating for a long, long time.”
She pursed her lips together. Tears sheened her eyes. “Thank you.”
She glanced around the room, then patted the bed next to her. “Sit down. I want to tell you a story.”
“The nurse is probably going to throw me out in a minute. You can tell me another time.”
When she patted the bed again, he lowered the guard-rail and did as she’d asked, then took her hand again.
“Do you know the story of the man who was walking along the beach…with the Lord?”
“I don’t think so.” He didn’t particularly want to hear it now either. He wanted her to rest and get better, not wear herself out by talking.
“I know you think God deserted you. He didn’t.”
The remembered pain of Zoe’s last days stung him for the millionth time but not as painfully as it used to.
“It’s like the poem. You’re like the man walking on the beach with God. The man saw his past and saw two sets of footprints in the sand during those times that he and the Lord were walking together.” Closing her eyes, she rested a minute. “There were other times when there was only one set of footprints. The man asked God…why He’d left him during the worst days of his life.”
Kurt focused on Sarah’s hand clasped in his. Not on whatever message she was trying to communicate.
“That’s when God told him that where he saw only one set of footprints those were the times he was carrying him. He didn’t desert you, Kurt. He was there all the time.”
“That’s hard for me to believe, Sarah.”
“I know. But I believe the Lord has carried me much of my life or been right at my side. I believe He brought me here to Sweet Grass Valley, to you, for a reason.” She forced a wry smile. “Evidently it wasn’t because I had received Zoe’s heart.”
“Then why?”
“I think you know the answer in your heart, Kurt. But you have to believe God has had a hand in it. Please try.”
Chapter Thirteen
Kurt waited around to see Sarah again. But the nurse strongly encouraged him to leave. Sarah was sleeping. Let nature and the meds do their work, she told him. Come back later.
So Kurt got in his truck for the drive home.
Sarah wanted him to believe in God and His power. All of his life, he had done just that. He’d gone to church almost every Sunday for as long as he could recall. Like most ranchers, he’d prayed for rain during droughts and prayed the snow wouldn’t get too deep for his cattle to find food during hard winters. He prayed for his family, for their health and happiness.
Then Zoe died. He’d prayed as hard as he knew how and God didn’t answer.
As though his faith had been no more than an illusion made of papier-mâché, his belief in God’s power crumbled.
He didn’t know where to find a switch to turn his faith back on.
As he reached Sweet Grass Valley ready to turn toward home, the sun caught the glint of the steeple above Good Shepherd Community Church, reflecting back in his eyes. Squinting, he went past the turn off to the Rocking R.
Instead, he continued down Main Street toward the church.
Sunday service was long over, the parking lot empty.
Kurt pulled up near the white stucco building. The last time he’d stepped inside any church was for Zoe’s funeral more than a year ago.
Pastor Hoffman said the door would be open.
Not sure what he’d accomplish, if anything, Kurt climbed out of his truck. The main entrance had arched double doors stained a dark walnut, each decorated with a cross inside an oval. The effect was classic, the message ancient.
He grasped the wooden door handle, worn smooth from the grip of many churchgoers, and pulled the door open.
Light filtered into the church through a stained glass window. A single spotlight focused on a cross on the wall behind the pulpit.
Somehow the silence comforted Kurt as he walked down the side aisle to the front of the church. Two large vases of flowers had been placed on either side of the choir area, scenting the air with a hint of rosebuds, white carnations, purple iris and colorful zinnias.
He slid into a pew and waited. Searching within himself, he tried to find the words he wanted, the words that God would hear coming from him and heed. The words that would make Sarah well again.
Time slipped by bringing memories of Sarah—when she’d nearly burned down the house trying to barbecue steaks, using the emergency gong to call him home, her help with the hearing before the county commissioners, her endearing routine with Dr. Zoom.
Her collapse at the party yesterday.
Fear crashed in on him as he relived that moment. Fear that squeezed his chest and turned his mouth as dry and parched as a summer drought.
Leaning forward, he gripped the pew in front of him.
Still, the words wouldn’t come.
Out of the corner of his eye, Kurt caught a movement. Pastor Hoffman sat down beside him.
“I saw your truck outside,” he said. “I’m glad you came.”
Kurt shook his head to drive his fears away. “I’m not doing much good here. I can’t even remember how to pray.” Much less have faith that his prayers would help Sarah.
“It will come back to you, son.” The pastor placed his hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Let’s start with something you know. We’ll pray together.”
Hesitan
tly at first, Kurt joined the pastor in The Lord’s Prayer. One word, one phrase at a time, Kurt felt the tightness in his chest ease until they said in unison, “Amen.”
The pastor patted his shoulder. “I know after Zoe died, you gave up on the Lord. But He hasn’t given up on you. He’s still there. If you speak to Him, He’ll listen.”
Kurt bowed his head again as Pastor Hoffman exited the pew. He was on his own now. No, that’s not what Sarah had told him. The Lord was beside him, even carrying him, when his pain grew too great for him to bear alone.
And so he prayed.
He didn’t know how much time passed as he sat there praying, but finally he rose to his feet. He’d drained himself of every prayer he could think of, asking the Lord to help Sarah get well. His body ached with fatigue but the burden of defeat he’d carried for so long seemed lighter.
When he turned to walk up the aisle, he was stunned to see so many people in the church. Close to thirty people, so silent he hadn’t heard them entering the nave.
Frowning, he identified Bonnie Sue from the diner, Ezra Stone, his neighbor, Angus from the grocery store, Alexis and Pastor Hoffman sitting together. Ranchers with whom he’d shared good times and bad had driven into town to sit in church with him.
Then he spotted Grace with his two children. Grace hadn’t been inside a church for as long as Kurt. Now she was there. Praying for Sarah? Even though she knew Zoe’s heart wasn’t the one struggling to keep Sarah alive.
As he walked by, his friends reached out to him, taking his hand and whispering their good wishes.
“We’re praying for Sarah,” Jayne Morgan, Billy’s mom, said. “And you.”
“She’ll pull through.”
“Count on the Lord.”
“We’ve all come to love Sarah,” Bonnie Sue said in a voice much softer than her usual brash holler across the diner.
Having trouble keeping his emotions in check, he stopped beside Grace. “Thanks for coming and bringing the kids.”
“Beth convinced me this is what Sarah would want.”
He smiled at his daughter and nodded.
Montana Hearts Page 14