by TC Rybicki
I was naïve enough not to get that statement. Bold enough to touch his manhood but lacking the knowledge that a man might aim to please a lady first and foremost. Dane’s hand made a journey up my thigh. I wore a dress. Gram bought me a dress. She told him his hands should stay in his pockets. I thought what an embarrassing, absurd statement. Truer words were never spoken. I’m glad he hadn’t listened. If he only touched my inner thigh the rest of the night, I fully believed it could happen. The it I had never achieved with another human being and I was on the cusp of something big, life-changing perhaps. Dane’s quest hadn’t ended at my thigh. He meant what he said and said what he meant. I knew this about him. His touch through the fabric of my underwear was almost too much, but after the first wave of buildup, Dane pushed the cotton aside, and he was there, fingers on my bare flesh. His gentle touch and knowledge proved it wouldn’t take long at all. I fell apart on the soft side of a blanket in the back of a fully loaded pickup truck. I saw stars, literally and figuratively. I kept my eyes open the entire time. Dane was right. Tonight, was perfect for stargazing. Stars and orgasms. I’d never see the Milky Way the same as long as I lived.
He pressed his mouth over mine and kissed my overworked lips. “You’re beautiful.”
“You’re talented.”
I wanted to see certain things in Dane’s strange eyes, the green light mainly, but it wasn’t there. Even in the dark, I could see what was missing. Maybe he thought that I wasn’t ready because of everything I divulged, but he’d be wrong. When he pulled back, I reached to pull him close again. We’d be closer when we took off all our clothes.
“Wait, don’t stop. I want to. It’s okay. I still take my pills and you know I’ve never done it, so we’re safe. I trust you are too because you’re way too OCD not to be germ-free. Or do you insist on condoms even with me because of the OCD? Do you have any? We could go to the house. A bed might be nice, but I’m comfy here. Everything has been good so far. No complaints.”
Dane squeezed the side of his face so hard, I thought he might break something inside. He raised his hands in the air and screamed, not the good kind of shouting, like ‘I’m about to get a virgin, one that’s easily satisfied and germ-free.’
He was mad.
We just had the most powerful make out session in history. It was better than anything I’d ever seen in a movie or read about in a book, but something was wrong.
“Get up. I’m taking you home. The night is over.”
I twisted my body side to side for momentum to get up. “Why? I’m offering you my virginity. I want you to be my first. I thought that would mean something.”
“It does, Sydney. You offering doesn’t mean I’m taking, at least, not today. What happened was amazing. I won’t say I regret it, any of it, but I can’t do what you’re asking, and that’s your fault.”
Now I was quickly becoming angry as well. He wasn’t making any sense. “My fault? What the hell?” Dane backed his way out of the truck and hopped off the side to land on the ground. I stood all the way up and straightened my dress out. He offered his hand, but I wasn’t going to allow it. “Answer me.”
“I said to text or call Grant so many times I lost count. Hell, a smoke signal, or Morse Code would have sufficed, but you did nothing. You are not dumb, Syd. You knew what I meant every single time, and you wouldn’t do it. Sure, I went farther than I ever planned with a girl that has a boyfriend, but I won’t go that far. You asked me to be your first, but I wanted to be your last. I want to be your only. For once, let’s call me the selfish one. When I make you mine, you should be only mine, not partially someone else’s. I have my pride.”
Anger wasn’t even appropriate. I was livid. “Way to ruin everything, jerk. You don’t understand. Now all you’ve done is paint the picture I’m a two-timing bitch. I’ve been struggling with things, who I was and who I am, the parts in between. I wanted you tonight. I was sure of that much, but now I’m glad you stopped us. You’re a mess, Dane Ellsworth.”
“Sure, I’m a mess, and for the record, I never called you names and I never would. If you have a guilty conscience, then that’s your issue. I’m just stating a fact. I might not be the most moral man on earth, but I have principles. Figure it out, Sydney. I’ve given you the better part of the summer to do so. I don’t take your friendship for granted. Scratch that. Poor word choice, but we’re at a crossroads. I think you and I both had a glimpse of what we could be and it’s a little overwhelming. I’d rather get you home and let both of us sleep on it. I sure as shit don’t want to fight with you.”
He shook his hand at me again, but I didn’t take it. I could jump off Stud on my own. I was a cheerleader, by God. He needed to give me credit for that once. I jumped, and I landed it without as much of a bobble. I was barefoot and stepped on something spikey, but Dane would never know I had foot pain. I was a pro at pretending something didn’t hurt when it most definitely did. My foot. It stung, and my heart ached ten times as much. I almost insisted on walking, but I got inside Dane’s truck on the right side this time and let him drive me to The Groves. We didn’t speak again. He didn’t jump out and run to open my door or walk me up the steps of Gram’s porch. I knew he wasn’t climbing the trellis. Dane and I had a great day, an almost sexual experience and then a fight. After a great birthday, I should be walking inside singing a tune even though my voice was lacking, but I walked in with tears in my eyes, and my head hung low. Just my luck, Gram waited up. She said she wouldn’t, but she was there standing in the hall in front of her bedroom door. I burst into loud sobs in her presence.
I didn’t know what I expected from her, but she opened her arms, and I walked into them. “There, there, men aren’t worth all that. Tell your Gram all about it.”
No way could I do that. I continued my crying instead. She must have thought it was extreme even for me who was a routine over-actor about all situations. Gram pushed me back and held me firm at the shoulders. “Tell me right this minute. Did that man cause you some kind of harm? I tease with him, and maybe I put too much trust in that dimple of his, but I will set him on the path of righteousness if he hurt you. He didn’t steal your virtue on your birthday, did he?”
You can’t steal what is freely offered. I was writing a poem about that later, but I had to protect Dane from Gram. The shotgun was always loaded in Texas. I sniffled and spoke. “No, Gram. It’s Dane. You know better. It’s just… he made me feel bad about myself after he made me feel so good.” That was TMI, so I clarified. “He gave me a special birthday to remember, I mean.”
“Well for heaven’s sake. Dry it up then. If you feel bad about something, then that’s inner turmoil, not Mr. Ellsworth’s doing. Go to bed, child. You’re overwrought.”
“But, he. We were having a good time, and he reminded me of Grant and made me feel guilty.”
“As you should. I can’t believe you still pretend to have a boyfriend when you clearly love another.”
I shook my head fast. Why was Gram taking Dane’s side? “No, it’s not like that. I’m mixed up, and Dane kept asking me to text Grant. I owe him more than a text after two years. It’s just confusing, and I don’t need him to be my moral compass. It’s off-putting. Oh, and I don’t love Dane. We’re just friends… good friends.”
“Louder, I didn’t hear all that. I think this left ear is going bad, best make a checkup with the doctor.”
Gram heard fine. She was trying to make a point I talked in circles and acted even worse. I knew these things. I hated when others pointed it out. She lifted my chin because I could only summon the strength to stare at my bare feet. I’d forgotten my shoes in Dane’s truck.
“I’ve never been one of those romantic types to swoon over a man or think any woman’s life should revolve around a man. However, sometimes people come into our lives and we’re better for it. If you push away someone that makes you better, you just might end up bitter. I’ve seen it. I was hoping not to see it again in this lifetime, so I suggest you go upstairs, bl
ow your nose, wash your face, go to bed and fix your issues tomorrow with Mr. Ellsworth.”
I had my phone off since dinner and there was never a reason to turn it back on, but before I turned out my light, I had to see if Dane tried to reach me. Maybe he had an apology. I intended to pout a little longer than this, but I swear if he said he was sorry for some of the things he said, I’d forgive him before going to sleep. Nothing was there from Dane, but I had a voicemail. It was Grant, wishing me a happy birthday and apologizing for being distant this summer since he was getting ready for college. Great. Fantastic. All the sentiments from Grant made me hate myself a little more. I thought I loved my new self at the beginning of the day since I partially hated my old self. But that wasn’t the case. I was making shambles of the new life quite nicely. Grant wanted me to come visit before school started. I kept saying I owed him more than a text or a phone call, so I thought of all the possible ways for me to make the journey. It was a slim chance that I’d see Grant and have a renewal of feelings for him. If I made it to Austin, it was most likely to break up face to face, but I was keeping that to myself.
The strangest thing came over me. I found myself missing Marlene Hagel, my mother, so I opened the drawer and pulled out her letters. I read them all, one by one. The first was so mother-like. She was distant, cold, and talked about herself. Something happened to her at that spa I scoffed at since she announced her new residence. Her fourth letter was the birthday card, and the enclosed letter to me was full of sentiment and regret. Also, she said she loved me and missed me. Who wrote that? Not her, not my mother.
I closed the drawer and turned off the lamp. Confusion must be carried on the genes. I never identified with one single attribute of my mother’s but after today, I was sadly convinced, I’m just like her.
Rolling over to the dim gray light of the new day did nothing to improve my mood. It stormed half the night. I knew exactly how many flashes of lightning brightened the walls of my room since I’d been awake for most of it. Hard to believe after a clear night sky and vivid explosion of pleasure, this was what I faced today. The happiness was gone before I ever jumped out of Dane’s truck. He helped me reach new heights and then plunged me to the lowest place I’d been in months. He didn’t really. I dug this hole mostly on my own. I knew that much, but Dane sticking to his guns was a little too much honesty at the worst time. If he would have let me come around without an ultimatum, then this morning would be different for both of us. I was going to do something… finally.
Mom’s letters were out in the open, so I shoved them back in the drawer. My conflicted feelings over the mother figure were too much to handle with all this relationship crap. Of course, my phone was empty of any new communications. Grant’s positive birthday message required a reply, but not yet. I needed a shower and a personality overhaul. Dane had nothing to say, and it said so much. We couldn’t get that first moment of intimacy back. It had passed and was forever part of our past. With all the rain, work would be slow-paced, the exact opposite of what I needed. Yesterday brought promises and adventure. Today, dread and regret clung to me like a bad spray tan. I let Ally talk me into a place with coupons once. I looked like bright orange persimmon. The worst event in my life until Daddy was charged with fraud and about ten other things that translated into prison time.
The morning dragged on. I cleaned the shop and focused on all the little things that were normally neglected when we were busy with tasks all over the property. The last person I wanted to see in my horrible mood was Nina, but there she was right before we broke for lunch.
“How’d the birthday go?”
“It went fabulous.” I wiggled my fingers in the air which was truly unnecessary. Nina was a bitchy human, but she had a lot on her plate at home. The fact she worked extended hours at a second job to help at home meant I wasn’t sure she got treats like professional manicures and massages too often. Probably never was more like it. Sometimes, my inner humbleness rose to the surface. “I mean. Dane was nice. It was a treat to get pampered for my birthday.”
“Cool, I guess I misjudged what was up before. If you got him to settle down, then kudos to you.”
That was the last thing I expected to hear from Nina. She’d gotten better at ignoring me, but never was exactly complimentary. We struck up a conversation. Maybe I was craving a connection with any human. She and I would never be best friends, but we developed a tolerance that rainy afternoon. We didn’t do the whole I’m super sorry, will you be my bestie now thing, but Nina talked about Frisco and his family and that was something we could bond over. The truth was, she had some interesting updates I hadn’t heard from any other sources. Dane owed me a few more answers, but I wasn’t getting them anytime soon.
Work ended early. Nina went home to grab some rest before her second job, and I asked Gram if we could eat leftovers or sandwiches. She was happy with canned soup and told me to take a nap.
Sleep would’ve been nice, but my journal was where I wanted to dwell. I wrote a poem and revised some old ones. An odd thing occurred after my musings; my mind ran amuck because I started writing letters, one to Daddy and one to my mother. Neither letter was finished or ready to send, but it felt good to get those words down on paper and out of my head.
The Milky Way
Your light covers me in darkness
My hand reached for the stars
But my heart collided with the ground
I tried to bask in your glow,
Falling.
Soaring.
Failing.
Withering.
The sun came up in spite of me
Time moved forward
Life churned on
But I stayed frozen in the moment we missed together.
I sucked. This poem reeked. It was awful and stupid, but I wrote it anyway. I blamed the constellations, the universe and Dane for what went wrong those last moments. He never made contact, and I was forced to call Grant. So many missed opportunities to tell Grant what was going on with me, but I was a coward, or I was afraid. Dane made me feel safe, so the only question left was what in the hell scared me so much?
Five- days elapsed. I was done with waiting him out. My mind was made up, and I’d fought with Gram over my next move. She didn’t think my sudden idea for a road trip had anything to do with Grant or Dane and she still fussed, but at least she agreed. I was grown, nineteen and had some money that was truly mine these days, but I still wouldn’t go through with it if she’d flat out said no.
The weather had sucked every day since my birthday. I tried not to take it personally, but it fit my mood a little too well. The first sign of sunshine and I found myself parked in front of Dane’s house. He was home, but uneasiness consumed me as my hands gripped the steering wheel. Dane was sure to throw me out or laugh in my face. This request I had was complete shit, but it was the only way. After listening to one more miserable Country song on the radio, I got up my nerve.
The door was unlocked as usual, and it was early enough in the day, I fully expected him to be in his office, but that was not what I found upon entering unannounced after our longest stint of silence since meeting each other. I stepped on a piece of clothing, and there was a hint of old food in the air. The place was not a wreck by any stretch of the imagination. It was tame for a regular bachelor pad, but this was not Dane. He didn’t drop things and not pick them up nor did he forget to take out the trash or put his food away. He wasn’t the OCD type that turned a lock five times or washed his hands until they were raw, but he liked neat, tidy and order. What the hell did he see in me, anyway?
He didn’t look up, but his knuckles rapped on the foldout part of his sectional that we used as a table.
“Knocking is customary, but then again you never had manners.”
I stomped in. “You want to talk about manners. How about abandoning your best friend without a word? You could have said something.”
“There was nothing else to say.”
I looked
at the tumbler next to him. “Is that booze? It’s barely four.”
“Bye, Sydney.”
“You don’t drink in the afternoon. Hell, you barely drink, ever.” Dane turned up the television essentially muting me. That was his worst decision to date. I marched straight over and blocked his view with my hands on my hips. “Stop ignoring me. I want to talk about it.”
Dane muted his TV, “Fine. First things first, did you call Grant?”
“Yes.” That was the truth, but it wasn’t what Dane meant. He didn’t have any reaction other than wanting confirmation.
“And?”
“He wished me warm birthday wishes, and I had to call to thank him. But…”
The TV came back to life, and Dane leaned to his right to look around me. He also finished off the caramel colored liquid in his glass. “Turn off that damn game, Dane!”
“Bye, Sydney. Excuse me for not seeing you to the door, but I’m done going out of my way for you when you don’t even give me a half effort.”
I gave him tons of effort. He was being so mean. There was so much more to say, and I hadn’t come anywhere close to spitting out the intense favor I needed from him. We were in a standoff. He eventually pushed down the leg rest and stood up. I backed away some, afraid that his body might touch mine again and neither of us were ready for that.
Dane went to the bar and poured another drink. “Oh my God! Now I get it.”
“I’m fairly certain you don’t, but what do you think…” he paused to swallow half the glass of whiskey down, “do you think you get?”
“You’re drunk. It’s the middle of the day, and you’re already drunk. That’s why you’re being such an obstinate asshole. Fine. I’ll be back tomorrow, same time, so I expect you to be sober.”
“I’m not drunk, unfortunately, but I’ll make sure and be all the way there if you really plan to invade my home again tomorrow. Go Sydney. For the last time, get the hell out!”