“That’s bullshit, and even if it was true, I’d still try,” Owen said, squeezing his hand tighter. It wasn’t exactly meant to be a comforting grip—it was the grip of a father dragging a petulant child to where they needed to go—but Jude still took some comfort in it.
Obviously, this wasn’t the kind of thing he could argue Owen out of.
He followed Owen all the way to his family’s grocery store, which housed one of the town pharmacies. The Jules family owned it, too, but Lanie ran it, since none of the family were qualified.
In the beginning, she’d helped him figure out how to move from a more expensive brand of insulin to a cheaper one, but there was no generic option and the cheaper one was only cheaper by a few dollars.
He appreciated the help, but when he’d had to cut his dose down, he hadn’t been able to face her again. He knew people would worry about him.
He hated that he’d made Owen worry, too. There was nothing anyone could do about the fact that medication was expensive and insurance was hard to come by for freelancers.
Jude had tried getting another job, but he’d been working in graphic design and illustration since he finished school, and people didn’t hire graphic designers. Not in small towns, anyway. They contracted them.
As he’d gotten sicker because he couldn’t afford his insulin, he hadn’t been able to work as much. Everything had started to spiral out of control pretty much immediately, and he was amazed he’d hung on for this long.
It all felt so pointless, like even if he got better, he was only ever one disaster away from being back at square one. He’d always be diabetic. He’d always be at the mercy of the cost of his medication.
Owen was still holding his hand when they reached the counter. He was so warm, so solid, exactly the way Jude had imagined he’d grow up.
There was a cloud of sadness hanging over him, but he was no less beautiful, no less perfect for it. Despite his own problems, Jude wanted to hold him, stroke his hair, whisper to him that it’d all be okay, that he’d get his daughter back and he’d be happy again, that losing loved ones didn’t hurt forever. Jude ached for Owen a hundred times more than he cared about himself. He’d loved Owen more than anything when they were growing up, and he still did. No matter how hard he’d tried to forget. Owen was still the love of his life.
All he’d wanted was to see Owen one last time before he went. He had that now.
“I can’t ask you for this,” Jude said, trying one last time to get Owen to drop it. He didn’t want to be a burden. He wanted Owen to remember him as a friend.
“You’re not asking. I’m telling,” Owen said, bristling. “I’m serious. I don’t wanna hear it again. You’re gonna get better if I have to come to your house and inject you myself.”
Jude swallowed. He didn’t doubt for a second that Owen would do it. Once he set his mind on something, nothing would stop him.
“I’ll repay you,” Jude tried, hoping to at least ease his own guilt at accepting help from Owen, who he hadn’t spoken to in years.
That was on both of them, but mostly Jude. He could have reached out. He could have gotten over his disappointment that Owen had gotten married and left. Owen was allowed to have a life.
The fact that Jude had reacted badly to that was on him.
He didn’t deserve the help now.
“No, you won’t. All I want you to do is live.”
“Are you two done arguing?” Lanie asked.
“Yeah. Jude needs to pick up his prescription. And I need to pay for it.”
Lanie frowned. “I thought you’d started buying it online. I know it’s a little cheaper…”
Jude swallowed. Now he’d have to explain himself to another friend. “I couldn’t afford it and I didn’t want you to worry that I’d stopped taking it.”
Right as he said it, Owen’s mom came out of the back room. “Jude Howell, did you just say you aren’t taking your medication?”
Mrs. Jules had always been a formidable woman, but she suddenly seemed a hundred times more so. Jude had spent almost as much time in the Jules household as he had in his own as a kid. Mrs. Jules had told him before that he was her fourth son.
When Owen left, though, that all fell apart.
Not because of anyone but Jude. Jude had withdrawn because…
Well. Because he’d always loved Owen, and Owen was gone. He’d moved away as soon as he and Lisa got married, which had been right after high school.
Hanging out with the rest of the family had lost its appeal. Everyone but Owen seemed to know how Jude felt about him. He didn’t want or need their pity when Owen got married to someone else.
He felt guilty about being upset over it now.
“I, uh… I just… it’s so expensive, I wasn’t doing it on purpose,” Jude defended. He felt ridiculous even saying it, like he’d failed even the most basic task of keeping himself alive.
He knew it wasn’t his fault that his safety net had been pulled from under him. He knew it wasn’t his fault that there were gaps in the healthcare system. But it still felt, in his heart, like a personal failing.
Mrs. Jules softened a little. “You should have told us, honey,” she said. “We could have worked something out. Bad debts are tax-deductible, you know.”
Jude swallowed.
He had no idea Mrs. Jules would have offered him help like that.
“I… I didn’t want to bother anyone,” Jude said. He’d always felt welcome in the Jules family home, but he’d also felt as though he shouldn’t have been taking anything from them, either.
That was more his own parents talking than Owen’s.
They were gone now, so Mrs. Jules was the closest thing he had left.
Jude had just never thought to ask. Never considered the possibility.
He wasn’t her problem. He wasn’t Owen’s problem, either.
But for some reason, Owen was offering to take on Jude’s problem anyway. He’d always been a good person, and that obviously hadn’t changed. Even after years of them not speaking to each other.
Even after Jude let his broken heart get in the way of their friendship.
“You’re not bothering people with your need to live,” Owen said softly. “Let us help you out, okay?”
“You’re family,” Mrs. Jules added. “Family always comes first.”
Tears sprang up in Jude’s eyes again. He didn’t know that Mrs. Jules still thought of him as family. Even after all this time.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell anyone,” Jude said, looking down at his feet. “I should have.”
Jude realized now that he’d been telling himself no one would want to help, that he was out of options, and maybe that hadn’t been true.
He’d been so busy trying not to let anyone know that he had a problem that he’d never even tried to seek a solution beyond using less insulin. Gradually, he’d managed to cut all the way down to a dose every other day. As long as he didn’t eat much and he was careful about what it was, he’d managed to keep himself alive.
He felt awful all the time and even worse after he ate, but it had started to seem normal. Inevitable that one day his body would just give up on him.
The idea of going back to being well-managed and able to live normally was almost too much.
Owen squeezed his hand. He still hadn’t let go.
“When we were little and I first found out you were diabetic, I was so afraid that meant you could drop dead on me at any moment,” Owen said quietly. “I never told you because I didn’t want you to know I was freaking out about it, and then I did my research when I was older and realized that you were probably fine. Hearing that you’re not is scary for me, and I know I’ve been pushy about this, but… I feel like I’m five years old again and scared my best friend is gonna die.”
Jude looked up at Owen. “I don’t want you to feel like that.”
“Then take the help,” Owen said. “For my sake.”
Jude nodded slowly, wiping tears away
from his eyes. He wasn’t going to cry in public. No matter how much he wanted to.
He hadn’t felt this loved in a long, long time.
“Okay. Okay,” he responded. “I’ll let you help.”
“Good,” Mrs. Jules said. “That’s settled. And I want to see you for dinner when you’re feeling better, okay? Now that Owen’s back in town I need you to bring a little sanity to the household,” she added.
Owen snorted and finally let go of Jude’s hand. Jude felt cold instantly, but he knew he couldn’t ask for anything more than he had. It was already too much, and wanting to hold Owen’s hand felt greedy.
At that moment, Lanie came back to the counter, holding out a vial of insulin. Jude took it in the same hand Owen had just let go of, staring at it for long moments.
An overwhelming wave of gratitude washed over him. Owen was trying to save him.
Owen cared about him enough to want to save him.
Tears welled up in Jude’s eyes again, everything too much to process. Fifteen minutes ago, he’d been so sure he was going to die. Positive that he was seeing Owen for the last time, desperately trying to work up the courage to tell him that he loved him, that he’d always loved him.
Now, he was going to live. Because of Owen.
How could he even begin to repay that?
Chapter Three
The next day, Owen still couldn’t believe that Jude had kept the fact that he was struggling so badly to afford his medication from everyone. He couldn’t believe no one had noticed, stepped in, done something about it.
Guilt over not somehow magically knowing was eating him alive on the inside.
Jude had always been a private person. When they’d been kids, he’d always had a sketchbook that no one was allowed to look at. Jude was a talented artist, but he only let people see maybe a tenth of what he was working on.
He’d also never had all that many friends. Owen couldn’t see why. He was sweet, and kind, and he always knew interesting things about everything. Jude was the best, most worthwhile person Owen had ever known, and Owen hated the thought that he’d almost lost him, unknowingly, because he hadn’t felt like he had anyone to go to.
Whether or not Jude wanted him, he had Owen now. There was no way in hell Owen was letting things get that bad again.
He was still so scared, and he wouldn’t get over that for a long time.
He’d watched one person he loved die and been helpless to do anything about it. He wasn’t letting it happen again.
Just the thought of having to attend Jude’s funeral had him tearing up.
He knocked on the door to Jude’s apartment, which was set above the craft store in the heart of town. That seemed like exactly the kind of place he would have wanted to live, and Owen had smiled when Charlie told him where Jude was living now.
Charlie had always looked up to Jude. Probably because they were both gay, but Jude was older and, in Charlie’s mind, cooler.
Now, Owen would have argued that Charlie was the cool one. Owen was proud of everything his little brother had accomplished, if maybe a little jealous of how comfortable he seemed in his own skin.
“Go away,” Jude called from the other side of the door.
“Not gonna happen,” Owen called back.
A moment later, the door opened.
“I didn’t realize it was you,” Jude said, stepping back to let Owen inside.
That seemed like a good sign.
“Who were you expecting?” Owen asked, shivering as he walked in.
It wasn’t all that cold outside, but it was freezing in Jude’s apartment. That probably explained the thick, oversized sweater he was wearing. It made him look even smaller and thinner than usual, so fragile that he might break if Owen closed the door too hard.
He hated seeing Jude like this. The Jude he remembered was so full of life and laughter and light. Not like this at all.
Owen had to help him get better. No matter what it took.
“No one. You’re just the only person I’m willing to talk to right now.”
“I’m honored.” Owen glanced around, realizing the place was dark, too. That wasn’t really much of a surprise, but Jude had always been into dark-and-cozy, not dark and freezing his balls off. “Do you want me to take a look at your heater? I can probably fix it.”
Jude swallowed. “It’s not broken. It’s expensive to run.”
Owen’s heart sank.
He knew Jude couldn’t afford his medication, but it hadn’t occurred to him that it’d spill over into everything. Including his ability to live in comfort.
He’d come here hoping to convince Jude to come home with him, but now it seemed even more important. Jude needed him.
“I bet the rent is killing you, too, huh?” Owen asked as gently as he could. He didn’t want Jude to feel bad, he just wanted to understand exactly what the situation was like.
“This is why it’s pointless trying to help me. I’m already so far behind, and I can’t work more than an hour or so a day, and I just… don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” Jude said, his shoulders slumping.
Unable to help himself, Owen closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Jude, trying to will some of his warmth into Jude’s thin, cold frame. The tension in his shoulders eased a little the moment he touched the other man, relief that he was still alive, still here, still breathing making him sigh deeply.
If it was up to him, he wouldn’t have let go of Jude for a long, long time.
He could see why Jude had gotten lost, not thought to ask for help. He was drowning, and he didn’t want anyone to know. Didn’t want to make a fuss.
That was what he’d always been like. But before, he’d always had Owen to stick up for him, make a fuss on his behalf, fix things quietly or not-so-quietly when Jude wouldn’t speak up for himself.
This suddenly felt like Owen’s fault, too. Like he’d let down the two people he loved most in the world in the space of a little over a year, and he almost had two deaths on his hands.
He knew, intellectually, that it wasn’t really his fault. He’d had more than one person tell him so already. But that didn’t stop him feeling guilty about it.
“I’m sorry it’s gotten this bad,” Owen said. He knew what he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure how well Jude would take it. He’d been so resistant to accepting life-saving medication, anything less vital than that seemed like it’d be a hard sell.
Owen had to try, though.
“Listen, I’m living at home while I figure out finding a place of my own, and, y’know, Riley’s old room is still there. Mom would love to have you around. You’d have to put up with all of us, but it wouldn’t cost you anything in rent.”
“I can’t,” Jude said, but didn’t make any attempt to push Owen away. That was just as well, since Owen wasn’t sure he could have handled letting go of Jude just yet. He felt like a little boy all over again, scared and desperately clinging to his best friend.
“Why not?”
“Because…” Jude looked up at Owen, his eyes soft and teary. “You’re already doing so much for me.”
“That’s what friends are for. And I have a ton of making up to do, and honestly… I could use a friend right now, too. You’d actually be doing me a favor.”
It sounded like bullshit, but it wasn’t. Owen needed all the friends he could get, and Jude was… well, Jude was the only friend he had. Having him close by sounded like a great idea. It’d give him peace of mind that Jude was okay, that he was still there.
“You wanna try making that sound believable?” Jude raised an eyebrow.
“It’s true,” Owen protested. “Look, I want as many people around me as I can get right now. I’ve missed you. It’d mean a lot to me if you’d come and stay. I’ll talk your landlord into breaking your lease for you, even.”
Jude pushed away from Owen’s chest, immediately shivering in the cold air. He looked around his apartment, then back at Owen.
His
shoulders slumped, the last of the defiance in his jaw vanishing.
Owen felt just a little more tension melt away. Jude wasn’t resisting. It was a miracle, but it was happening.
“I don’t even have the illusion of a choice here, do I?” Jude asked.
“I wanna say no, but if you really don’t want to come, you don’t have to. I’m just gonna drop by every single day to see how you are. And you can’t stop me.”
Owen knew he was pushing it, but it still felt like his fault that his friend had been suffering in silence, and he wanted to make up for it. He wanted to fix everything, like he had done when they were kids.
He needed a win right now. He needed Jude alive and healthy and happy.
Even when Owen had been away, he’d known Jude was there, back home, still living and breathing. The thought that it almost hadn’t been true had shaken him. Jude had meant the world to him when they were kids.
Owen was quickly realizing that he still did. Even after all this time.
“I…” Jude took a deep breath, looked around again, and then sighed. “Anything would be better than this.”
“I’m gonna let you get away with implying that my company is only marginally better than freezing to death because you’re sick. Don’t think I’ll be this nice forever, though,” Owen said, managing a tired, wry smile even under the crushing weight of emotional exhaustion. Jude was going to come with him.
That was all he wanted. He wanted to be sure Jude was okay, and having him under the same roof was the best way to do that.
“I wouldn’t have frozen to death,” Jude said. He shivered the moment he was done saying it, but Owen didn’t point it out. He was too glad he’d gotten his way to want to push any more of Jude’s buttons right now.
He could go back to pushing his buttons when Jude was feeling better.
“Yeah, well, freezing to death when you only had to ask for help would be embarrassing. Pack a bag for the night and I’ll rope Charlie into helping me with your stuff tomorrow. He’s excited to see you.”
Jude smiled wryly. He’d always had a soft spot for Charlie.
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