Drawn In

by Sean Ashcroft

  “Yeah.” Jude smiled a slow, warm smile, rocking Kayla gently. “This is my baby now. I’m keeping her.”

  Owen chuckled. He understood how Jude felt. He never wanted to give Kayla up when he was holding her, either.

  “She has that effect on people, I guess.”

  “I’ve never fallen in love so fast,” Jude said. “But I will give her back if you want her.”

  Owen smiled. He did want her, but he wanted Jude to bond with her even more. “Hang onto her a little longer. We’ve got her for the whole week.”

  “Really?” Jude asked, obviously surprised. He definitely knew how much trouble Owen had been having getting to see her, because Owen never stopped talking about it.

  As far as Owen could tell, this was an attempt on her grandparents’ part to stop Owen from actually going through the courts—or at least an attempt to make themselves look better. It wouldn’t stop him, though. No matter how long it took, he was Kayla’s father, and he wanted to raise her.

  No one was getting in the way of that. Not for any reason.

  “Really,” Owen said. “That’s gonna be okay, right?”

  “Of course.” Jude pulled his attention away from Kayla long enough to look Owen in the eye. “This is what I’m here for. I’m so happy it’s working out for you. I want you to be with your daughter.”

  Owen nodded, smiling down at his own feet. Jude cared a lot about him. He’d almost forgotten how much, and he hadn’t expected to walk back into his old life as easily as he had, but he wasn’t about to complain about any of it.

  Things were looking up. Everything he’d been through was starting to work out for the best.

  “Who’s a good girl?” Jude cooed, rubbing his nose against Kayla’s.

  “She’s not a dog,” Owen said, though he was happy to see them getting along.

  “Are you saying she’s not a good girl?” Jude raised an eyebrow. “Because I love her a lot and I’m not letting anyone say she’s less than perfect.”

  Knowing that Jude already loved his daughter made Owen’s heart clench in his chest, overwhelmed by how perfect this moment was, how lucky he was to have both of them. Looking at the two of them together, he almost felt as though this was a totally normal family, one formed out of love and a need to be together.

  But then, it was. Owen hadn’t forgotten what his mom had said about his reasons. The guilt he’d felt at lying to all those people had faded as he’d settled into the idea of being married to Jude.

  He did love him. That was unspoken between them, something they’d both known when they were kids, something Owen had never gotten over. He couldn’t know how Jude felt, but looking at him holding Kayla… he seemed happy to be here.

  They were happy. All three of them. It didn’t really matter what went on behind closed doors after that.

  “You two look good together,” Owen said, right as the thought struck him. Jude did look good holding a baby. Natural.

  “Of course we do.” Jude grinned. “We’re the pretty side of the family, aren’t we, sweetheart?” he asked Kayla. Kayla sighed heavily. Probably not on purpose, but it made Owen laugh anyway.

  “Kayla is. I dunno about you,” Owen said.

  He supposed Jude was pretty, in a masculine kind of way. He had nice features, bright eyes and soft lips, all the things Owen would have looked for. Jude definitely wasn’t hard to look at.

  “My own husband won’t call me pretty, Kayla,” Jude said, turning his attention back to the baby. “Do you think that’s fair?”

  Owen sighed, knowing Jude wasn’t going to drop this until he gave in. “You’re very pretty. Are you happy now?”

  Jude grinned at him. “Yes. Thank you.”

  Snorting, Owen stepped closer to Jude to take Kayla back. “Unless you still wanna hold her?” he asked at the last minute, reaching halfway between them.

  “I do, but I know how important this is to you,” Jude said, handing her back over with only a little hesitation. “Besides, we’ve got her all week. Plenty of time to cuddle.”

  “Yeah.” Owen smiled at the we in that sentence. He hadn’t expected Jude to react this well, but he was so glad he had. Kayla deserved all the love in the world, and she was lucky to have Jude in her corner.

  “Do you need a hand? I was just about to make lunch. How do babies feel about ham sandwiches?”

  “I don’t think she’s old enough for a ham sandwich, but I’ll take one if you’re offering.” Owen shifted Kayla’s weight, getting a better grip on her in preparation for her trip up the stairs.

  On further thought, he was going to need more baby-specific furniture. He hadn’t expected it to be so easy. He’d imagined he’d get to ease into it.

  The idea of taking care of a baby on his own was suddenly overwhelming. He’d done it before, somehow, but he barely remembered that time. Could he do this now? What if he screwed it up?

  “I’m offering. Do we need to go grocery shopping? I assume you’re not gonna breast feed her.”

  Despite his concerns, Owen laughed. “I have a lot of talents, but that’s not one of them.”

  Internally, he breathed a sigh of relief. He had Jude to help him. He wasn’t alone.

  Between the two of them, they could probably handle one tiny human.

  Chapter Ten

  Being back to working full time made Jude feel much better about his life and circumstances than he had in a long, long time. He’d only needed a little boost to get back on his feet, and he was grateful now that Owen had showed up when he did.

  It was hard to believe that just a handful of weeks ago, he’d been ready to die. He could barely remember what that had felt like now.

  Jude liked to pretend that depression wasn’t something he had to deal with anymore, but looking back, he could see exactly what the walls of the dark place he’d been in were made of. Doubts and fears that no one could ever love him. That he’d never amount to anything. That his entire life would be lonely, that he’d never be able to make anyone happy, that there wasn’t really much point to his existence.

  Owen—and Owen’s whole family—had reminded him that, despite his failings, he could be loved.

  But nothing had made him feel better quite the way Kayla did. Jude had never thought of himself as a baby person, but Kayla was so tiny and precious that he couldn’t resist sitting in the nursery with her while he worked, even if she was napping.

  Sometimes, he paused just to look at her for a while. He told himself it was the novelty, but it was more than that. She was Owen’s baby, and he’d been in love with Owen since they were children themselves. She was a part of the most important person in the world to Jude.

  Kayla meant a lot to him.

  Jude looked up as the nursery door creaked. He hadn’t heard Owen come back home, and now he wasn’t sure how to explain what he was doing. Was it weird to sit in the nursery? Would Owen think it was weird?

  “You know, when I said keep an ear out for her, I didn’t mean you had to sit in here,” Owen said, looking between Jude and Kayla.

  Jude wet his lips. “I, uh. I like it in here, though. I like being near her.”

  Owen’s face softened. He’d been stressed at work, frustrated with his current project and his new manager. That was why he’d left in the first place, needing a change of scenery for an hour or so to get his focus back.

  Jude had been happy to volunteer to babysit while he was gone.

  “I get that.” Owen said, leaning against the door frame. “I finally picked up a bassinet, so she can come and nap downstairs with us, if you want.”

  “Did going out help?” Jude asked, concerned that Owen still seemed a little tense.

  “Kinda.” Owen sighed. “I’ll get over this. They’re just… teething problems.”

  “To use an appropriate phrase.” Jude smiled wryly.

  “Yeah, that.” Owen walked over to Kayla’s crib, hesitated, and then picked her up gently. She’d been napping, so Jude could see why he’d bee
n wary of disturbing her, but he also understood that Owen needed the contact right now.

  Kayla made a soft, tiny sound of protest, and then planted her face firmly against her father’s chest, closing her eyes again. Sometimes, she wouldn’t wake up for anything. Other times, she absolutely refused to go to sleep.

  Jude couldn’t fault her for that, since his own sleep patterns were very similar.

  “There’s my baby girl,” Owen cooed, playing with Kayla’s fingers, smiling when she wrapped them tightly around his.

  Owen walked over to the window, holding the baby and looking out into the street. The light streaming in made him look like he was glowing.

  Jude couldn’t make himself look away. Instead, he grabbed his sketch book, closing his laptop and retrieving the pencil he had tucked behind his ear.

  He’d drawn Owen a hundred times before, but not like this. He could see the stress easing out of his shoulders as he stood and rocked Kayla, his face relaxing, his whole presence changing.

  Jude always thought Owen was attractive, but he was stunning when he was with his daughter. Every good trait he had was magnified a hundred times. Jude could barely stop looking at him long enough to put pencil to paper, but he wanted to capture the moment.

  He could have taken a photo, but it wouldn’t have been the same. This wasn’t about recording the physical reality of the world in front of him. This was about the feeling. The way the whole room seemed to warm up just a little, the way the light seemed brighter and clearer, the love rolling off Owen in waves.

  If Jude couldn’t have that for himself, that overwhelming devotion that Owen showed Kayla, he could at least bask in it for a little while. That was enough.

  “You should take a nap,” Jude suggested, adding a few more quick lines to his work. He just needed to get the general sense of what he wanted to draw down now. He could finish it later.

  “If I nap, I won’t sleep,” Owen said, resting his forehead against the window.

  “You won’t sleep anyway,” Jude pointed out. “I hear you, you know. Getting up in the middle of the night to check on her.”

  A faint blush colored Owen’s cheeks. “Sorry. I thought I was being quiet.”

  “You were. I just… wasn’t sleeping either. Not because of the baby.”

  “Stressed?” Owen asked.

  “I don’t know,” Jude said honestly. He didn’t feel stressed, exactly. He just slept less at night, or woke more. It was probably all the change he’d been through lately.

  “You can talk to me, you know,” Owen offered.

  “I know. I like talking to you. I just don’t really need to unload right now.”

  “As long as you know I’m here for you.” Owen turned, looking directly at Jude.

  Jude paused his sketching, struck by the sincerity of Owen’s expression. He was so beautiful right now that Jude could barely process it.

  This was so close to the loving family of his own Jude had always wanted. He had a wonderful husband and a completely unexpected but still beautiful baby almost within his grasp.

  But just a little too far away to do anything but brush his fingers against. Whatever Owen said about being his husband out of love, it wasn’t the kind of love Jude so desperately wanted.

  Which was fine. He couldn’t have everything. He was lucky to have this.

  That didn’t stop him from wanting just a little more. Wanting to stand and cross the room, press his lips against Owen’s, let Owen fold him into a hug with Kayla between them.

  Wanting to be a part of everything, instead of an outside observer.

  Not that he was ever going to tell Owen that. Owen had done more than enough for him, and he wasn’t interested in Jude like that. That was never going to change.

  “I know,” Jude said. “And I’m always here for you. It’s the least I can do.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t talk like you owe me something,” Owen said. “All of this is just… what friends do.”

  Jude wasn’t sure it was, but if that was what Owen thought, there was no point in arguing over it. Owen was hard to sway at the best of times, and he’d been adamant that this was a normal thing that normal friends would do for each other since the beginning.

  Whether or not that was true, it was working out for both of them. That was the main thing.

  “I’m grateful to have you, and I don’t want to lose you,” Jude said.

  Owen smiled, shifting Kayla’s weight in his arms. “Feeling’s mutual.”

  The feeling was a long way from being mutual, and Jude knew that, but as long as Owen didn’t, everything was okay.

  Romance was hard, anyway. Jude was better off with Owen as his friend than he could ever be with Owen as his lover.

  At least, that was what he was telling himself.

  Chapter Eleven

  “Whoa, did you draw that?” Owen asked, picking up a loose sheet of paper from the coffee table. It was a stupid question. Jude had gotten a lot better over the last eight years, but Owen would have recognized his style anywhere.

  “Umm.” Jude looked up from behind his laptop, blinking. “Uh, yeah. It’s not finished.”

  Owen held the drawing up, taking in the scene. He remembered standing by the window with Kayla, but he hadn’t realized Jude was drawing them.

  His gaze settled on Kayla’s face, the tiny smile Jude had drawn there. He couldn’t remember whether or not she’d actually been smiling, but he liked that Jude had drawn her that way. Happy with her dad.

  The whole scene was so peaceful that just looking at the sketch made some of the tension in Owen’s shoulders ease. He remembered holding Kayla, the warm sunlight streaming through the window, the sense of contentment he’d felt.

  Jude’s talent left him in awe.

  “It looks awesome,” Owen said. “I always thought you were amazing when we were at school, but this is… I mean, I don’t know anything about art, but it just seems more real. Not real. I mean, it’s obviously a drawing, but…”

  “I understand what you mean,” Jude said. “Thank you.”

  “Can I have it? I know you said it wasn’t finished…”

  “It was a warm-up.” Jude shrugged. “I never really meant to do anything else with it. It’s just not finished.”

  “I think it’s meant to be that way,” Owen said. It was perfect exactly as it was.

  “You can have it if you want it.” Jude looked back down at his laptop screen, but he was blushing.

  Owen grinned. “This is going on the refrigerator,” he said, striding toward the kitchen.

  A moment later, he heard Jude following him.

  “I’m not your kid,” Jude pointed out as Owen grabbed a magnet from one of the local takeout places.

  “No, but I’m proud of you.” Owen turned to look at Jude. “Besides, it’s cool to get a head start on having a fridge covered in pictures.”

  Jude smiled wryly. “I won’t be offended when you replace my drawings with hers.”

  Owen shook his head. “I’m not gonna, unless you really don’t want them there. You’re important, too.”

  Jude opened his mouth to respond, but then shut it again before saying anything. He didn’t look upset, though. More like overwhelmed.

  “I… umm.” Jude swallowed visibly, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “Thank you.”

  “What’re you thanking me for?” Owen asked, surprised at Jude’s reaction.

  “You just put me in the same category as your own child,” Jude said. “It just… it means a lot.”

  “You’re family,” Owen said. “I mean, really family, now. You agreed to put up with my crap for as long as we both shall live. That means a lot.”

  Jude wet his lips. “You agreed to put up with my crap, too.”

  “Sure, but your crap didn’t involve running away and not speaking to you for years.”

  “You accepted my Facebook friend request,” Jude said.

  “You never use Facebook.”

  Owen r
arely used Facebook either, but he’d had good intentions when he signed up. The idea was solid, but he’d run away from his life like a coward because he couldn’t deal with change. He didn’t need a daily reminder of that.

  “It’s the thought that counts.” Jude shrugged. “I don’t blame you for leaving. I don’t blame you for waiting this long to come back, either. I know how upset you were when you left.”

  “I still miss him,” Owen admitted. “Dad, I mean.”

  Jude nodded. “I know. Of course you do. You were close, I remember.”

  “I had nightmares about it for years. About being too late to the hospital, not getting the chance to say goodbye. I never told anyone.”

  “Not even Lisa?” Jude asked.

  Owen shook his head, looking down at his shoes. “No. I didn’t think she’d understand. But you… you’ve lost people, too.”

  “I have,” Jude agreed, taking a step closer. “I miss my dad, too. And my mom. I’m so glad I have you.”

  When Owen looked up, Jude had tears in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry for dragging up old pain,” he said. He hadn’t wanted to make Jude cry. He’d just never been able to talk to anyone who’d lost a parent before outside of his own brothers, and Jude was so comforting. Everything about him made Owen feel at peace.

  It was still sinking in just how much he’d missed him. How good it felt to have him back in his life.

  Owen was just beginning to get comfortable with the idea that people didn’t get over the things that happened to them. They got past them.

  For the most part, he was past it. Deaths weren’t open wounds that eventually healed. They were big, important life events that were over when they were over, and as time passed, and more stuff happened, they didn’t matter so much to the day-to-day.

  Losing his dad, and then losing Lisa, those were important events. They’d changed him.

  Jude was changing him, too. Finding Jude again after years of living without him was an important event. It wasn’t any more or less important than any other profound thing that had happened to him.

  It was okay to enjoy it.

  “Don’t be.” Jude licked his lips. “I told you I was always hear to listen. And I am. Whatever you want to talk about… that’s what husbands are for, right?”