I don’t have much other news. I’m slowly knocking over the illustrations for the book and I’m afraid the coffee table never gets used as a coffee table any more.
I hope that French Canadian cook is feeding you well. Are you still helping him out in the kitchen? Perhaps you should show him our recipe for pasta sauce?
Love from Brutus and Pavarotti,
Mattie xx
Jake was so relieved to hear from her that he swallowed his pride and wrote back straight away, but he kept the content deliberately light, just as she had. He told her about the party they’d had in the canteen for one of the team’s birthday. And how they’d tried to play Scrabble last night in three different languages—English, French and Russian. He thanked her for taking care of Roy. He didn’t mention a word about missing her.
Mattie replied the very next day and when he read her message he grinned. It was a single question:
What does the R in your name stand for? Robert? Roy? Rudolph? Rambo?
He wrote back that his middle name was Richard, named after his grandfather. And he asked about her middle name.
Mattie replied:
Middle name, Francesca, after my grandmother. Aren’t we predictable?
After that, they exchanged e-mails almost every day. They kept their messages short, light and amusing, never hinting at anything like deeper emotions, and Jake was happy.
Mattie was pleased, too. After much deliberation, she’d decided finally to reply to Jake’s e-mail. After all, maybe they could remain friends, just keep in touch? She wouldn’t expect anything more.
It was best this way, Mattie decided, best that neither of them referred to that blissful night they’d spent in each other’s arms again.
It made it easier for her to avoid telling Jake the truth.
Problem was, she still felt horribly guilty about that. And she was left with a helpless longing she didn’t how to handle.
CHAPTER SIX
MATTIE was grinning as she dialled Gina’s number.
‘Guess what, girlfriend? It worked.’
‘You mean—’
‘I mean the tests came back positive.’
‘Oh, my God! You mean we’re pregnant?’
‘Yep. We’re pregnant. Very pregnant.’
Gina screamed in Mattie’s ear. Then she began to gabble. ‘I can’t believe it’s actually happening. Oh, God, you’re so clever, Mattie. I’m crying. I don’t know how to thank you.’
‘I’m excited too. I’m so glad it’s really on the way. There’s going to be a baby.’
‘How do you feel?’
‘OK. Relieved. I’ve been fairly sure for the last few days, but the doctor didn’t want me to say anything to you until he was certain.’
‘So do you have symptoms? Can you tell me all about it?’
Patiently, Mattie told her best friend everything, how her breasts had become increasingly tender and she’d been feeling dreadfully tired. At first she’d been worried she was coming down with something, but then she’d started losing her breakfast and she knew.
‘Oh, Mattie, I still can’t take it in. I’m just so excited, but you poor thing. Is it too awful?’
‘It’s only yuck for about an hour a day. Most of the time, I feel pretty good. And I have the perfect excuse to take a daytime nap. The really good news is, the doctor’s very happy. He said the hormone levels are really strong. Like really strong.’
‘I see.’ Gina’s voice grew cautious. ‘That sounds like it means something.’
‘Well, yes. It’s nothing to panic about…but…um…there might be more than one baby.’
Gina screamed again. ‘Oh, my gosh—two! Do you mind if I hang up? I’ve got to go and find Tom.’
Mattie laughed. ‘Off you go. Give Tom my love.’
When she hung up the phone, she sank onto the sofa. Brutus jumped up beside her and she let him snuggle close.
‘Two babies, Brutus,’ she whispered. ‘I’m going to end up the size of a house.’
With her hand resting on her still flat tummy, she tried to imagine it filled with two lively full-term babies. Twins were a risk, the doctor had warned her when he’d transferred two embryos, but at the time she’d been happy to take the chance. One way or another, she’d wanted Gina and Tom to have a family.
But yikes. How would her figure ever recover? She couldn’t help wondering what Jake would think if he saw her, swollen and huge, but then she quickly dismissed that question.
Jake had only entered her life for a few short days and this was something that had been decided months ago. It was a private matter between herself and her oldest and dearest friends. Jake had no part in this.
If only that realisation didn’t make her feel so desperately lonely and sad.
I’m being selfish…
She tried to remind herself that she’d been perfectly happy before she’d met Jake. And now her focus had to be positive. She had to concentrate on the wonderful gift she was carrying.
It was an amazing privilege to be able to do this for Gina and Tom. They were going to be fabulous parents and she was going to help them have the perfect little family they so thoroughly deserved.
Gina and Tom’s babies would have a happy and idyllic childhood on the farm, going to school in Willowbank, making friends with the local children.
A new generation.
Mattie had such happy memories of her own schooldays with Gina and Tom and Will and Lucy. It was too long since the old ‘gang’ had been together. Perhaps there would be a gathering for the babies’ christening?
What fun!
And what about Jake?
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he could fit into that picture?
As always, when Mattie thought about Jake, she felt a painful jolt in the centre of her chest. There’d been no recent e-mails because he was away in the wilds of Mongolia on some kind of expedition, and she was shocked by how much she missed him. But she knew it was foolish to feel so attached when he’d told her in no uncertain terms that he didn’t fit into her future. She’d spent a couple of days with him and now they exchanged brief, chatty e-mails—it had been impossible to cut Jake off altogether. But it was barely the beginnings of a relationship.
Even so, she found it ridiculously easy to imagine Jake being absorbed into her circle of friends. He was already good friends with Will. And Mattie knew he would like her other friends and they would like him. She could picture them all sitting around a dinner table—at Gina and Tom’s perhaps.
In her imagination, she could picture it all—driving down to Willow Creek Farm with Jake, bringing wine and cheese from her favourite boutique deli, and arriving via the winding road that led through a grove of pines to Gina and Tom’s farmhouse.
They would be welcomed by Tom, wearing the black and white apron he always donned when he was helping in the kitchen. Jake, with his handsome looks and flashing dark eyes, would be a huge hit with the girls and the men would like his laid-back humour. Around the table, they would share stories and lots of laughter along with scrumptious food.
Yes, Jake would fit in very well. How perfect it could be.
But it’s impossible and I’m a fool to even think of it.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Hey there, Mattie.
I’m back at last after spending three weeks out in the wild wastes of Mongolia on a prospecting expedition. Won’t bore you with details, but it’s very acceptable to be back in a properly built ger with a comfortable bed and a fire at night.
Hope all’s well. Would you believe I miss you and Brutus and Pavarotti and your drawings of Molly?
How are you? A man needs details. How are you spending your days? What colour is your hair now? What movies have you seen?
More importantly, what colour are you wearing under your T-shirt?
Keep smiling,
Jake xx
Mattie read this and burst into tears.
Sh
e’d had a shocker of a day. A headache had started mid-morning and, because she was pregnant and couldn’t take tablets, there was nothing she could do but lie down with a cool cloth on her forehead. She’d sprinkled the cloth with drops of lavender oil, but now she was sick of the smell of lavender and her headache hadn’t budged.
Her waist was expanding exponentially. She felt fat and ugly and tired and miserable…and Jake was fantasising about her in sexy underwear. It was too much!
She let out a moan of pure self-pity and Brutus whimpered and looked up at her with eyes filled with concern.
‘Oh, Brutus,’ she sobbed, scooping him up for a cuddle. ‘What am I going to do about Jake?’
She knew for absolute certain now that she was carrying twins. She’d seen the ultrasound images and there they were—two little heads, two sets of arms and legs, swimming in their own little sacs. So cute! But already she’d had to buy maternity jeans and her breasts were so heavy now she’d had to buy maternity bras—horrid, hefty harnesses, only available in white, black or beige that made her feel like an ageing matron.
Meanwhile, Jake thought he was writing to a slim young woman who wore sexy lace and satin lingerie in a range of rainbow colours, a woman who had no commitments other than her writing deadlines.
She was a fraud, an impostor, a cheat!
With a helpless sigh, she set Brutus down and began to pace the floor, the little dog at her heels. What should she do? Should she reply? How could she reply honestly?
Oh, help. She couldn’t keep stringing Jake along like this. But should she simply drop the communication and let him assume that she’d lost interest?
She didn’t want to let him go.
I have to.
Tears fell again and she snatched up tissues and mopped her face. If only she didn’t have this headache, she could think more clearly. She went through to the kitchen and made a cup of camomile tea, which she took through to the lounge room. Curled on the sofa, she sipped the herbal brew and tried to think calmly.
OK. First, she was pregnant but she couldn’t tell Jake what was happening to her.
Why?
It’s a private matter and, anyway, he’s not serious about me. He’s already warned me there’s no chance of forever.
But couldn’t he change his mind? He seemed really keen when he was in Sydney.
Even if he was keen, the pregnancy would douse his passion in a heartbeat. He’s a playboy. A woman pregnant with someone else’s babies would send him running for the hills.
Too true. Mattie had enough emotional issues just coping with the surrogacy, without letting Jake mess with her head. He would never understand why she was doing this.
Bottom line, she didn’t want to be helplessly and miserably in love again. She didn’t want to feel vulnerable and endlessly anxious, the way she had with Pete.
After all, how could she expect to share this surrogacy with a guy who’d openly claimed he had an allergy to commitment?
Heavens, why did she even hesitate when she had so many clear answers? Any way she looked at this, she only had one sensible option.
She should stop writing to Jake…let him go…
It was the only decent thing to do. And, given how easily he’d parted from his previous girlfriend, he probably wouldn’t be upset.
No doubt thousands of e-mail exchanges ended when one person fell silent.
No doubt the world was filled with thousands of broken hearts.
Jake switched off his computer, poured himself a measure of vodka and downed it in one fiery gulp. He poured another and downed it too, went to the small window and stared out at the other gers scattered over the barren ground. He saw lights burning in most of the tents but he wasn’t in the mood for company.
That in itself wasn’t surprising. He’d always been a loner, a self-sufficient outsider, who’d learned as a child to get along without company. But there was a difference between being alone and being lonely.
Tonight, as he looked out into the desert night, he could feel the almost forgotten loneliness of his childhood creeping back, sneaking beneath his defences. He was remembering again the long lonesome months after his mother’s breakdown, when she wouldn’t—couldn’t speak to him.
He flinched at the memory, working hard to dismiss the pain of her bewildering rejection. He’d adored his mother but he’d learned even then, at the age of nine, that he could drown beneath the weight of such love.
More than one girlfriend had accused him of emotional bankruptcy, and he knew he’d deserved the accusation, but he’d learned the hard way to keep his heart safely under lock and key.
This was precisely why he’d told Mattie that he couldn’t offer any promises for the future.
So it didn’t make any kind of sense that his old anxieties were staging a comeback now, simply because he hadn’t heard from her in over a month.
He’d sent her three more e-mails and she hadn’t replied. He couldn’t believe how much he needed to hear from her, needed to know she was OK.
Will Carruthers could shed no light on her silence and in the end Jake knew there was only one thing to do. He had to ring the Sydney flat, had to hear her voice, to know at least that she wasn’t ill.
As he dialled through the international codes, then added the flat’s telephone number, he was ridiculously nervous—so damn nervous he was sweating. His hands were clammy and he felt sick, like a teenager trying to pluck up the courage to ask a girl on a first date.
When Mattie answered the phone his throat was dry and his voice as rough as gravel. ‘Hello, Mattie.’
‘Is that Jake?’
‘Yes. How are you?’
‘Are you still in Mongolia?’
She sounded shocked and scared. Why did she sound so unhappy?
‘Yes, I’m still here.’ What could he say now? The light banter of e-mails became downright stupid when said out loud. ‘I haven’t heard from you for a while, so I thought I’d check in. How are you? Everything OK?’
‘Yes, fine.’ Her voice sounded anything but fine. ‘I…I’ve been really busy.’
Jake gritted his teeth. How the hell had he thought this call was a good idea?
What now? On the basis of one night of passion, he could hardly demand an explanation for Mattie’s silence.
‘How are you?’ he asked again and he sounded way too tense. ‘Are you well?’
‘I’m really well, Jake.’
‘You sound a bit…’ He paused, searching for the right word.
‘I’m a bit tired, that’s all. I…I’ve taken on some extra work and it…it’s keeping me really busy.’
‘So are you enjoying this work? Is it creative?’
He thought he heard a definite sigh.
‘Yes, Jake, it’s highly creative.’
This time, there was no mistaking her tone. It was most definitely let’s-drop-this-subject.
Jake wished he could see her. If he could look into her eyes, he might be able to see what she wasn’t telling him. He would know whether she was happy.
‘I’ve been in touch with Roy,’ she said. ‘I…I haven’t had time to visit him lately, but I ring him every week. He’s keeping well.’
‘That’s good to hear. Thanks for keeping an eye on him.’
‘How’s Will?’ she asked carefully.
‘Oh, he’s fighting fit. Actually, he’s on leave at the moment in California. He should be having a great time.’
‘Sounds like fun. Are you going somewhere like that for your next leave?’
Jake’s stomach hit the floor. This was a brush-off with no holds barred. Mattie was letting him know that she clearly didn’t expect to see him.
OK, so maybe he had dropped a strong warning when he’d farewelled her at the airport, but he felt differently now. He’d missed her. Maybe he’d even changed. He certainly wasn’t going to give in easily.
Swallowing his pride, he said, ‘I was wondering what would happen if I turned up on your doorstep.’
Jake held his breath, couldn’t believe how bad he felt.
‘I…I…’ Mattie was obviously flustered. ‘Are you planning to come back here?’
Somehow, he forced himself to ask, ‘Will you still be there in a month or two?’
Another awkward silence chilled him to the bone. And then, ‘Jake, I’m afraid I’m going to be really busy for the next few months.’
Really busy…He bit back a swear word. Felt sick. This was the ultimate rebuff.
‘You mean you’d rather not see me?’
‘It’ll be difficult.’ It was barely more than a whisper and yet he heard the break in her voice.
Why? What was going on? He remembered Mattie’s tears when they’d said goodbye. He’d been egotistical enough to think they’d meant she was going to miss him, but was there another reason? Something she wasn’t telling him?
One thing was certain. This phone call wasn’t giving him any answers and there was no point in prolonging the torture. ‘OK. Thanks for setting me straight on that,’ he said, battling disbelief that he could actually let her go like this…without a fight.
‘Goodbye, Jake.’
He heard a click on the end of the line and, just like that, Mattie Carey was out of his life.
But Jake was left with a niggling doubt, a gut awareness that she hadn’t really wanted to let him go.
Or was that simply his ego getting in the way of common sense?
In a harbourside café, Gina sipped a coffee latte with a dreamy smile. She sighed happily as she set it down. ‘How lucky are we to have a boy and a girl? It’s so perfect. I can’t believe it. I keep wanting to cry with happiness.’
Mattie grinned and slipped her arm around her friend’s shoulders. Having her friends with her for the ultrasound this morning had made such a difference. Seeing the joy on their faces and treasuring the warmth of their hugs had made everything about this project totally worthwhile.
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