Jake drove through the hospital’s multilevel car park, eyes alert for an empty parking spot. His fear spiralled as he hurried through the maze of disinfected corridors to the Coronary Care Unit. He’d steeled himself for the grimness of the ward, the hushed atmosphere, the frightening banks of blinking lights and the frowning scrutiny of the nursing sister in charge, but he couldn’t stop blaming himself.
I should have done more. Please, don’t let it be too late.
Mid-afternoon, Mattie’s heart leapt when her phone rang and she saw Jake’s name on her caller ID.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’ve only just found all your messages. I had the phone switched off.’
‘I forgive you.’ She tried to sound light-hearted and failed dismally. The fact that Jake hadn’t answered her messages had frightened her.
It brought back memories of dating Pete. So many times she’d tried to ring him in Perth and he hadn’t been available. She’d probably developed some kind of complex about men and mobile phones.
‘I’ve been at the hospital all day,’ Jake said. ‘Roy’s had a heart attack.’
‘Oh, no.’ Mattie was instantly ashamed of herself. ‘How is he?’
‘They tell me he’s holding his own.’
‘I guess that’s good news, then.’
‘I guess. I’ll feel better when I can speak to him.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Mattie said gently. ‘Roy’s tough.’
‘Yeah.’ Jake sighed. ‘Anyway, how are you?’
‘Actually—’ Mattie bit her lip. She wished now that she didn’t have to tell Jake her news. ‘I’m in hospital too.’
‘What?’ That single word echoed like a rifle shot.
‘It’s OK, Jake. It’s not a code-orange alert. The doctor’s simply taking precautions.’
‘But why? What’s wrong?’
‘I started having contractions and he was worried I was going into early labour. The contractions have settled down, but I’ve been ordered complete bed rest.’ She wrinkled her nose as she spoke into the phone. ‘It means I have to stay in hospital until the babies are born.’
‘Right.’
Jake sounded winded and Mattie felt sorry for him. Two medical dramas in one day was a coincidence no one welcomed. ‘We want to give the babies the best possible chance,’ she explained gently. ‘Twins often come early.’
‘Which hospital are you in?’
‘Southmead.’
‘The same hospital as Roy.’ He made a sound that was almost a chuckle. ‘At least that makes it easier for me to visit you both. Which ward?’
‘I’ll give you three guesses,’ she said, smiling.
‘Oh, yes, of course—Maternity. What room?’
‘2203. But, Jake, I don’t expect you to visit me when you’re so worried about Roy.’
On the other end of the line, she heard Jake’s sigh.
‘You don’t have a choice, Mattie.’ His voice was deep, dark and insistent. ‘I’m already on my way.’
Mattie’s room was empty.
Jake stared at the vacant bed, at the rumpled sheets and the dent in the pillow where her head had lain. He saw the novel she’d been reading and an empty tea cup on the bedside table. He knew this was her room because, apart from its number, the pink rose bush and the blue irises sat on a small table under the window.
Everything looked normal but he felt uneasy. He’d been talking to her ten minutes ago. What could have happened in such a short time?
Crossing the room, he knocked on the door to the en suite bathroom, but there was no answer so he opened the door carefully. She wasn’t there.
His heart began to thud. Hard. He rushed out of the room and down the corridor to the nurses’ station.
A young woman greeted him with a beaming smile. ‘How can I help you, sir?’
‘Mattie Carey,’ he gasped. ‘She isn’t in her room.’
The nurse’s eyes twinkled and her face broke into a silly grin. Jake wanted to yell at her that this was serious.
‘You must be Jake,’ she said.
‘Yes. Did Mattie leave a message?’
She nodded. ‘She asked me to let you know they’ve taken her down to X-Ray.’
‘Why? What’s wrong?’
‘Her doctor ordered another scan.’
A soft groan came from the back of Jake’s throat and the nurse took pity on him. Her eyes softened. ‘Don’t worry, it’s a routine procedure. Mattie shouldn’t be too long.’
‘Right.’ He closed his eyes briefly and allowed himself to breathe. ‘Thanks.’ He took another breath. ‘What do you suggest? Should I come back in…in about an hour, then?’
She nodded, then sighed. ‘That’s so sweet.’
‘I beg your pardon?’
But the nurse had turned bright red and wouldn’t answer him. She simply buried her nose in a bundle of charts.
Mattie lay on her side with her eyes closed, tired after the scan. Not that it had been a big deal, but everything seemed to make her tired these days. The nurse had told her that Jake had come while she was away. Poor guy.
What a rotten day he’d had.
She tried to shift into a more comfortable position.
She was such a sloth these days. An uncomfortable sloth. She was tired of being uncomfortable, tired of the babies kicking and head-butting her insides.
And now, after just one day, she was tired of the doctors and medical staff fussing over her, tired of the thought of spending day after day in this little white room.
Heavens, she’d become such a grouch. It was almost as if she and Jake had traded places. When they’d met, he’d been the grouchy one and now he was being sweet. So kind to Roy. To her.
But the other day, when she’d tried to talk to him about it, she’d asked him one question and then she’d burst into tears. Poor man.
It was strange that she’d leapt into bed with Jake without a second thought but, when it came to talking about their relationship, she was a mass of nerves. Perhaps that was Pete’s legacy. He’d always hated talking about their future.
She was drifting off to sleep when she heard the soft tap-tap on her door, and she kept her eyes closed. She’d missed Jake’s visit, but with any luck she might fall asleep and dream of him kissing her. It was so long ago that he’d kissed her. She wanted to remember exactly how his lips had felt on hers, how he’d tasted.
Perhaps, if she pretended to be asleep, the person at the door would give up and go away. So many people had interrupted her today to take her blood pressure, to give her steroid injections to strengthen the babies’ lungs, to give her vitamin tablets, to bring her lunch, afternoon tea. Soon it would be time for supper.
She wasn’t hungry.
‘Mattie.’
Jake’s voice.
Her eyes shot open.
He was in the doorway, looking at her with a worried, tender smile.
She struggled to sit up.
‘I’m sorry if I woke you,’ he said, coming into the room.
‘I wasn’t really asleep.’ Her hair was falling all over her face and she tucked it behind her ear. ‘I’m pleased to see you. Have a seat.’
Jake brought a chair close to the bed. It wasn’t quite as nice as having him right beside her on a sofa, but Mattie wasn’t about to complain.
‘I came earlier,’ he told her. ‘But you were away having a scan. Is everything OK?’
‘Yes, the babies are doing really well.’
‘But you look tired.’
‘It comes with the territory.’
He was watching her carefully.
‘You’ve had a rotten day,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry about Roy.’
‘I think he’s going to pull through. They’re talking about an operation. Something called angioplasty—to open blocked coronary arteries.’
‘How does Roy feel about that?’
‘Resigned. He’s not ready to shuffle off this mortal coil just yet.’
‘I’m glad.’
‘Yes, let them worry about me, Jake. You don’t have to.’
‘I can’t help it.’
‘Women have babies every day.’
‘Of course they do.’ He smiled, but she saw fear flicker deep in his eyes, quick as a fish’s tail, then he looked away and pointed to the pot plants. ‘You’ve brought them with you.’
‘I had to. They’re my good luck charms, although I can only water them with my tooth glass.’
‘They’re looking healthy so far.’ Reaching over, he took her hands in his. ‘You must have green thumbs.’
His thumbs stroked hers slowly and he smiled again and Mattie smiled back at him and she could feel her tiredness evaporating. For ages they didn’t speak—simply held hands, smiling.
It was so long since they’d touched like this and it might have been awkward, but Mattie only felt a wonderful warmth, a sense of peace and of rightness, as if being with Jake was like coming home.
But he broke the magic by becoming practical again. ‘Were you able to make plans for Brutus and Pavarotti?’
‘Not yet, it was all so sudden. But thanks for reminding me. That was one of the reasons I was trying to ring you.’
He jumped in quickly. ‘I’d be happy to drop over there and keep an eye on them. I can take Brutus for walks.’
‘You should move into the flat,’ Mattie said, wondering why she hadn’t thought of it straight away. ‘It’s just sitting there empty.’ Already, she was digging the keys out of a drawer in the bedside table. ‘I know Will won’t mind, and it’s handy for the hospital. Easier for visiting Roy.’
‘And you.’
She smiled. ‘Exactly.’
As she handed Jake the keys he asked, ‘So, how’s the food here?’
‘I…I haven’t had much yet. I haven’t been very hungry.’
‘You should be eating for three, shouldn’t you?’
‘So I’ve been told.’
Watching her, Jake’s thoughtful frown morphed into a slow smile. ‘Why don’t you have dinner with me tomorrow night?’
Her jaw dropped. ‘I beg your pardon? How can I do that when I’m confined to barracks?’
‘I know a terrific restaurant that does great gourmet takeaways. I’ll collect it and bring it here. We can have dinner together right here in this room.’
‘Oh.’
For a horrifying moment, Mattie thought she might start to cry again. I mustn’t. I mustn’t.
Jake was waiting for her answer. ‘What do you say? Do we have a date?’
It was a crime that he had to ask. As if a solitary meal of bland hospital food could possibly compete with any dinner with Jake. ‘Thanks,’ she whispered. ‘I’d love to have dinner with you.’
‘Terrific.’ He stood, then reached down and gently touched her cheek. ‘Now rest up, won’t you? I’ll see you tomorrow.’
As if she could rest now. She was way too excited.
Jake walked Brutus along the edge of the bay and dragged in deep breaths of fresh, salty air as he tried to relax. Not an easy task, given that he was up to his eyeballs in life and death dramas.
This morning Roy had been at death’s door, now Mattie was about to give birth to not one, but two babies, and Jake was deeply involved in both incidents. Heavy going for a guy who’d been accused more than once of living in an emotional vacuum.
To cap it off, he’d asked Mattie to have dinner with him, which meant he was dating a woman who was pregnant with babies that weren’t his—or hers. It was hard to get his head around.
In front of him now, the sun was melting into a golden puddle in the distant water. Seagulls screeched and squabbled. Small waves lapped at rocks. Jake drew another deep breath.
He should lighten up.
Things weren’t so very bad, really. The doctors had told him that Roy would pull through, even though his face was still so ghostly pale it almost blended into the pillows. His old mate was being kept alive right now by IV drips and wires, as well as small TV screens with alarming green lines, but he was in good hands.
And, for that matter, Mattie was fine too…
He just had to keep taking one step at a time. He really had no other choice.
The dinner date was perfect—a superbly piquant coq au vin, followed by melt-in-the-mouth chocolate truffle cake, and sparkling mineral water in champagne flutes.
Mattie couldn’t remember a meal she’d enjoyed more, but the evening went from fabulous to perfect when Jake kissed her.
It was so unexpected. One minute he was sitting beside her on the bed, laughing as they shared a joke, the next he was leaning in to her and his lips were teasing-soft as they brushed her cheek. He whispered her name and his mouth was warm on her skin, trailing kisses so light she could barely feel them.
‘I’m allowed to kiss you, aren’t I?’ he whispered. ‘I promise to be gentle.’
At first she was too stunned and breathless to answer.
‘Mattie?’
She was shaking, but she managed to smile. ‘I…I’m sure a gentle kiss is just what the doctor ordered.’
Indeed, her greedy skin was already shivering and yearning for more. Jake trailed kisses to her mouth and she closed her eyes. With gentle hands he cradled her face and her lips parted beneath him in an eager offering.
She loved the way he tasted.
Loved the texture of his lips.
The sweet mystery of his mouth.
Shyly, she ran her hands over his shoulders, gliding them over his shirt and sensing the hard bands of muscle beneath the cotton fabric. With trembling fingertips she stroked the back of his neck, thrilling to the heat of his burning skin.
‘Mattie,’ he whispered hoarsely into her mouth and she thought she might die of happiness.
Winding her arms around his neck, she felt every part of her begin to dissolve as she sank into a slow, dark meltdown.
‘What’s your problem, Jake? You look like you lost a dollar and found five cents.’
Jake flashed a smile at Roy. He’d been caught out, thinking about his parents, about how angry he was because, once again, they were too busy to come to Sydney to visit the man who’d been their head stockman for thirty years. Not that he’d share that news with Roy.
He shook his head. ‘Don’t start worrying about me, old-timer. I just want you to concentrate on getting well.’
Roy dismissed this with a wave of his hand. ‘That’s the doctors’ job. Anyway, I’d recover a darn sight faster if I knew you’d stopped making such a dog’s breakfast of your love life.’
Jake’s jaw dropped so hard he was in danger of dislocation. ‘Where did that come from?’
Roy gave a defensive shrug. ‘I’ve been meaning to speak to you about it for a long time.’
‘And since when have you been an expert on other people’s love lives?’
‘That’s not the point. I’m an expert on you, Jake, and I know what makes you tick. I know what scares you about women.’
Something inside Jake cracked, but he did his resolute best to ignore it. ‘Scared of women?’ he said shakily. ‘Have you any idea how many women I’ve dated?’
‘Too many.’ Roy’s bottom lip protruded stubbornly.
‘It’s not possible to have too many women.’ Jake’s response was automatic, a reflex conditioned by years of carelessness, but now he could hear the hollow ring of dishonesty.
Since he’d met Mattie, he hadn’t dated anyone else, hadn’t even thought about other women, and that was a mighty scary state of affairs for a perennial bachelor.
Roy was watching him through narrowed eyes.
Jake scowled back at him. ‘What does that look mean?’
‘I’m thinking about that time after your brother was stillborn.’
The air around Jake solidified. He struggled to breathe.
Roy’s hand patted
Jake’s forearm. ‘After that baby died, your mother retreated from you, Jake. She pulled back from the world and spent six months lost under a black cloud. I don’t know what they call it these days—depression, maybe—but, living in isolation in the Outback, she probably didn’t get the help she needed. Your dad was worried sick about her. Neither of them could see what it was doing to you.’
‘You’re talking too much,’ Jake said quietly. ‘You’re supposed to save your breath.’
‘I feel I’ve got to say this,’ Roy insisted. ‘You see, I knew how it was before that baby died. You adored your mother. You had a wonderful relationship with her.’
Jake swallowed to ease the ache in his throat. ‘Afterwards, she couldn’t look at me without crying.’
‘Yeah, I know,’ Roy said. ‘And I watched you pull on your armour, like a brave little soldier. Shielding yourself from the pain.’
Jake’s throat was so tight and sore he couldn’t speak. For so many years, he’d blocked out these memories, but now Roy had stripped off their protective coverings. It was as if they were there sitting in front of him. Unavoidable.
‘Then, just as your mother was recovering, they shunted you off to that boys’ boarding school.’ Roy sighed heavily. ‘Since you were ten years old, you’ve lived in a world filled with males and you’re still doing it, hiding away in Mongolia. Oh, yes, you date plenty of women, but you’ve never allowed yourself to get close. You don’t want to get hurt.’
‘Right now, I’m spending half my life in a maternity ward,’ Jake said tersely.
‘And it’s scaring the life out of you.’
The pressure in Jake’s lungs grew. His eyes stung. His throat burned. He gritted his teeth and clenched his hands as he fought for control.
‘I’m not right for her,’ he said stiffly.
There was no need to explain. Roy understood.
‘You’re perfect for Mattie.’
‘Do you believe that? Honestly?’ It was pathetic how badly he needed to hear this from the old man.
‘I know it, Jake. And I know she’s perfect for you. That’s why you’re so frightened.’
Jake sat very still beside the bed, staring at the veins on the backs of his hands, scarcely daring to breathe.
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