by Gabrielle G.
“We?” I raise an eyebrow, trying to understand whom she’s talking about.
“Aaron, Luke, Barn, my parents, maybe me. I thought we were your support system, but it seems I was wrong.”
“I don’t give a shit about your brothers, Snot. You’re the only reason I would stay in New York, but Jordan is everywhere in the city, and I’m not sure I can handle it.”
She nods her understanding, not saying a thing about her being the only one I would stay in the Big Apple for. “Come with me?” I ask her while she frowns. “Snot, come with me, please.” I repeat almost crying.
“To Miami? What would I do there?”
“You could organize events, weddings, do anything you want. I have enough contacts for you to start whatever endeavor you want.”
I see the light in my tunnel of sorrow.
I know it’s crazy, but it’s the only way for me to have what I need to survive.
To have Sal next to me without the ghost of Jordan breathing down my neck.
He never came to visit in Miami, he’s nowhere there. I can get my old job back, I can spend time with the friends I have down there, I can have my old life back and share it with Salomé.
“Chris, Miami is yours. As hard as it would be for me to stay in New York without you, as much as it will remind me of J from time to time, I’m not leaving with you. I know how to deal without him or you walking these streets. I know how to block out the good and the bad that happened between us. I know how to live in this city alone. I did it before… but I know nothing about Miami, and…” She starts eating the inside of her cheek while her finger finds the tip of her nose.
“And what?” I push for an answer, hoping it will give me the ammunition to change her mind.
“I can’t,” she says in a long sigh, rubbing her tattoo.
“Give me a reason, please.”
Hunching her shoulders and slumping into her seat, a tear falls from the corner of her eye. “I’m not yours, and you're not mine, Chris. I won’t uproot my life for you, even if I love you.”
She closes her eyes and puts her earbud back in place.
I know better than to try and force the conversation again.
I think over and over for something to convince her, but I can’t be a selfish prick and force her to follow me. As she said, I would be the only one she would know while she has all her family here.
“I love you too,” I whisper, turning my head toward the window, and feeling more confused and alone than ever.
13
Salomé
Calvin is in town for his monthly shift at the parlor, and it’s the best distraction I can handle right now.
The ambiance at home since Chris and I came back from Nevada is heavy.
I don’t want to ask him what he’s going to do, and he clearly doesn’t think I’m worth knowing if he’s staying or not, but I see the boxes passing by, I hear the shuffling around in his bedroom every night. I’m not sure if he’s leaving, but I have a pretty good idea that he's not staying for much longer.
Calvin and I have made plans for supper, and although I know he’s not the man of my life, I’m happy to spend time with him and not feel guilty about anything Chris and Jordan.
When Chris asked me to come with him, I almost accepted. Then I could see myself being there, waiting for him to remove the blinders he has on while he falls in love all over again with someone other than me.
I chose me instead of him, because if I can be Snot in New York where I have my people around me to keep me grounded to the reality that Chris and I will never happen, I can’t be Snot in Miami where he will be the only person I can rely on.
Having him in my apartment for ten days has been torture. I try not to imagine him taking a shower; I concentrate to make sure my eyes don’t wander to his lips when he puts anything in his mouth. I suppress every moan forming in my throat when he walks into a room.
I had it bad before, but I have it worse now that we share a living space.
Leaving for Miami is impossible; it would be like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. I shake my head at the poor comparison I just made, since his fiancé jumped off a bridge, and continue applying my makeup.
I hear a knock at the front door, but I’m still in my underwear, so I can’t get it.
Calvin is early. I was hoping to be ready and waiting downstairs so Chris and Calv wouldn’t see each other.
Not that I’m hiding one from the other, but I feel guilty going out when Chris is all by himself, even if we’ve barely spoken in the past week.
“I’ll tell her you’re here,” Chris’ voice bounces from the living room. I’m stuck in the middle of my room, petrified to move. I don’t want to face Chris, I don’t want to face Calvin, I…
“Salomé, your date is here,” Chris says through the door without hiding the disdain in his voice. He never liked any of my dates, so I’m not surprised, but he’s generally not so obvious about it to their face. And he never calls me Salomé.
“Th… Thanks,” I mutter nervously while jumping into my jeans. I’m not sure if Chris went back to his room or if he’s keeping Calvin entertained, but in the off chance he decided to sit and be an ass to a perfectly nice guy, I’m hurrying to finish getting ready as fast as I can.
On my way to the living room, I overhear Chris being a total charmer and telling Calvin the embarrassing story of my first period when he was the one babysitting Barn and I for the weekend. He laughs, divulging how mortified I was, so I hid in my mother’s bathroom, hoping I could find something to help, until I saw their sex toys, which was worse. I was twelve, naïve and shocked at the idea my parents were still doing it.
He continues his tale, saying that Barn found me holding what I would later learn was a cock ring, and he ran to Chris to tell him I was sex crazed. I had to spill my guts about the period and the discovery to my brother’s best friend. How did Barn know what I was holding is still a mystery…
I should stop Chris, but there is something warm in his voice, almost like an exhilaration I haven’t heard in a while. So, I let him embarrass me, even if I would prefer Calvin to never have known this particular story.
“So, what did you do?” Calvin asks.
“I did what I would have done with my sister; I drove to the pharmacy and bought what she needed. Then I sat her and Barnabas down and explained what the toys she found were for. I also told them to never look under their parents’ bed if they didn’t want to be traumatized for life. Luke and I had done it, and believe me, you don’t want to know… In a way, I think I stole her innocence.”
“Well, I should thank you then,” Calvin says, and that’s when I decide I’m done listening. Knowing Chris, he’s not going to like Calv’s comment, and he might repeat it to Dex and Luke. Luke wouldn’t mind, but Dex would… very much…
When I appear, I can see I was right. Chris’ jaw is clenched, and his nostrils are slightly flaring.
“Hi, Calvin, ready to go?” Calv stands up and kisses my cheek. A grunt of disapproval comes from Chris’ general direction.
“Sal, jeez, I had forgotten how beautiful you are.” Calv puts his hand in the hollow of my back and guides me to the door.
“Chris, we’ll see you in the morning,” he tells my roommate.
I’m horrified, and I clearly haven’t thought it through. When he’s in town, Calvin stays at my brother’s in Brooklyn, not the place where I want to have a crazy night of sex, so he always comes back to my place. But with Chris in the room right next to me, it’s not going to happen. Those walls are too thin for me to come riding Calvin. I’ve always been excellent at keeping Chris compartmentalized from anything I did with other men, but knowing he can hear me isn’t going to do it tonight.
If I allow myself to have sex while Chris is in the same apartment, my mind will wonder how it would feel to have him kiss me, touch me, taste me or worse, I might think that whoever I’m with is him and scream his name at a very inopportune moment.
&
nbsp; “Maybe we should go to a hotel tonight?” I tell Calvin while we walk down the block. He looks at me suspiciously but doesn’t say a word. “Chris is like a brother, and I’m not comfortable doing anything with him in the next room. I mean, isn’t it why we never sleep together at Luke’s, because he could hear me moan. It’s kind of the same, I…”
“I’m not fucking you like a cheap whore in a hotel, Sal. We don’t have to do anything tonight if you’re not comfortable, and maybe tomorrow we can ask your roommate to go sleep somewhere else. Or you can text him now and ask him to get lost for the night.” Yeah, that’s a solution. Text Chris and tell him that for me to be properly fucked, he should sleep somewhere else. I’m sure he’s going to oblige.
“Look, a hotel is fine by me. I don’t want to kick him out tonight, and us sleeping together is, I don’t know, just what we do?” Calvin stops, which I don’t realize for a few steps.
“So, if we don’t fuck, you don’t want to spend time with me?” he roars for me and most of the people walking on a busy New York street to hear. Some people turn around and frown. I would too if I were them. What crazy person wouldn’t like to spend time with a sexy tattooed hipster guy with glasses?
“Well, it’s not what we do. We’re not dating, so I never thought you wanted to spend time with me this way…” I say, closing the distance between us and standing in front of him to try to keep our discussion more private.
“We’re not dating yet, but I come often enough to see you, and it’s not that I’m having other pussy when I’m in LA. I thought we were more serious than that…”
I’m not seeing anybody either when he’s out of town, but it’s more because, in the last six months I’ve been consumed by work, and the previous two weeks by Chris.
“Why do you think I was flying across the country over and over? “
“Well, that’s for work, right?”
“Do you really think your brother asked me to come and work at the New York shop one week a month? I had to beg him to work three weeks in LA and one week here, so I can get a feel for the city. Sal, I like you, a lot; I can’t be just your fuck buddy anymore. I want more.”
I open and close my mouth several times, trying to imagine myself dating Calvin.
It was supposed to be fun and uncomplicated.
“I’m not sure it’s a good time right now, Calv. I’m sorry, I just don’t think that…”
“Forget I said anything. Let’s have dinner, find a hotel, have a little fun, and then I’ll go back to LA, and you won’t hear from me if you don’t want to.”
He throws his arm over my shoulders, and I kind of feel sick.
Not by Calvin, who’s merely trying to give me what he thinks I need, but by myself.
I feel like I strung him along for long enough. Removing his arm from around my neck, I hold his hand and look into his eyes.
“Look, Calv, there is a woman out there who’s going to be the luckiest bitch in the world. You’re nice, sexy, witty, super good in bed, but you’re starting to have feelings, and I know I can’t love you, ever. I’ve tried to love other people, but I can’t because…” I sigh.
“Because you’re in love with someone else… It’s okay, Sal. I thought now that Jordan was dead, you would be open to starting something. I kind of knew since the beginning you were in love with him. It was probably so hard to see him in love with someone you consider as a brother.”
So maybe I spoke a little too much about J to compensate for not ever speaking about Chris. This is awkward, but I don’t really want Calvin to know about my feelings for Chris. I don’t really want anybody to know.
I told Dex I was over it, and I really thought I was, until a few weeks ago. So all I do is nod. He hugs me and kisses me on the forehead, and I end up crying, disgusted with myself.
“Do you still want to have supper? Or I could walk you home?”
“Could you walk me home?” I ask in a sob of self-reproach. We walk in silence, but once he drops me off, and I apologize for all the mess I created, I don’t take the elevator to go back to my apartment. I text my nephew to see if he’s in town, and when he answers affirmatively, I go have dinner with him.
Because I’m not ready to face Chris or any of the emotions I feel when I’m at home.
14
Chris
Two in the morning and Sal isn’t home.
I sent her a reasonable amount of texts that she ignored.
And by reasonable, I mean fifteen.
She read them, I can see it in the notifications. She just didn’t acknowledge any of my requests about her whereabouts and E.T.A.
I’m very pissed; I’m a little drunk and maybe slightly jealous.
I’m man enough to know I don’t like this hipster asshole.
I disliked him the first time I met him, but I was smart enough to hide in my phone that day. When Jordan told me she had someone in her apartment and we couldn’t go up, I remember disliking the guy. I mean, he would use her like any of the other assholes she dated, and she would end up hurt. I hated seeing her hurt.
Then, when they arrived together at the coffee shop, I heard him say she spoke a lot about Jordan, but he knew nothing about me.
Fuck, it had hurt.
The floor had opened under my feet, and I was slipping into hell. She introduced me as ‘the other groom’, Aaron’s best friend.
Please add salt and vinegar to the wound he just opened.
And tonight, when I opened the door and saw his smug face, with his fucking hat, man, did I want to shove it up his ass… Who wears a bowler hat nowadays? I’m not one to judge, well not about sexual orientation at least, but that guy has chlamydia written all over his face.
So, I tried to embarrass her, but it bit me in the ass.
When he said he should thank me for stealing her innocence, anger rose as fast as my dick. I wanted to punch him as much as I wanted to show him what stealing the innocence of Sal would be.
I wouldn’t have been against him watching for educational purposes, as long as he didn’t touch her. And then he took her away from me and promised to see me in the morning.
As in he was sleeping here. With her.
I would hear them fuck.
I would listen to her moan.
I almost called Luke and asked to crash at their place.
Almost.
Because knowing Sal, she wouldn’t be able to have an orgasm with me next door.
That’s when I decided to blow up her phone.
Fuck.
He wasn’t going to have it easy. I was an asshole and well aware of it.
Except she didn’t answer.
I started to get worried. I drank to relax, texted some more, got worried some more. So I drank more and texted again. When I called, she sent me to voicemail. At least she wasn’t dead. She was actively ignoring me. That’s what I was trying to convince myself of.
The noise of keys startles me.
She is barely inside that when I jump to my feet and run to the front door.
“Where the fuck have you been, Sal?” My voice is an echo of the calm before the storm. She drops her purse on the floor and jolts. Her breathing increases rapidly.
“What the fuck, Chris?” I just scared the shit out of her.
Well good, maybe she can realize what it felt like not hearing from her all night. And where the fuck is Chlamydia Hat? He’s not with her. Don’t tell me he let her walk home by herself? Who would do that?
“I asked you where you’ve been.”
“Why the fuck do you care, you’re leaving, remember?”
Feisty Salomé means slightly drunk Sal, at least where I’m concerned. She’s feisty while sober with a lot of people, but with me, she needs to have some liquid courage in her.
“I tried to contact you.” I’m waiting for a lame excuse like her phone died or she forgot it here, but apparently, I have forgotten who I’m dealing with.
“Oh, believe me, I saw that. Which brings the question
, why were you texting me, knowing I was on a date with another man?”
She’s walking slowly toward me, one eyebrow raised, fire in her eyes. I’m not sure if she wants to fuck me or kill me.
Either way, it can’t happen.
I step back.
She shakes her head slightly and closes her eyes. I’m not sure if it’s disappointment or resignation.
I’m usually good at reading her, but tonight I can’t.
Maybe I’m drunker than I thought.
She walks by me and lets her arm brush mine suggestively.
That’s not a move a woman who just got fucked would make.
My dick stirs up again, and my feet follow her.
I want to fuck her, and that’s a lot of complication.
I try to remember that list I made about why anything between us was a bad idea, but every drop of blood I own is in my dick right now.
I’m as hard as Iron Man, and she only brushed her arm against mine.
How hard would I be if she were kissing me?
If her tits were in my face or if her cunt was on my mouth?
Fucking hell…
I close my eyes and count to ten. I want to go back to the conversation I started.
“Where have you been, Sal?” My voice is not filled with anger anymore.
I have a visceral need to know what happened with Calvin.
I hate thinking she’s been with another man while I was waiting for her at home.
“I’m almost forty, and you’re not my father, or is this one of your things? Having younger partners calling you daddy?”
What she’s saying is as disgusting as the thought of me fucking her.
I shouldn’t like it, but she can call me whatever she wants as long as I’m thrusting between her legs.
The images in my head are worse than reality, so I open my eyes to face her.