I squeezed my eyes shut and could see the little piles of crap in my own mind. Rhonda’s crap had shown up in my life in a hundred ways. Not asking for what I wanted. Being afraid to tell people what I was really feeling. Not speaking up for myself if I thought it would make someone mad at me. People-pleasing and self-denial. Never feeling like I had done enough, or that I was good enough. Always needing someone else to determine my worth. Each of the little piles had a different shape and form, but at the core they were all the same. I was still looking for love. As far as Karen was concerned, I was afraid of losing what I thought was her love. It was a huge, gaping wound that I still had not healed.
When the telephone rang at seven o’clock in the morning, Rhonda thought it was Eddie. It was Nett. She was not feeling well and wanted Rhonda to go with her to the doctor.
“What’s the matter?” Rhonda asked.
“I don’t know. I’ve been up all night long. I get so cold. I’ve been vomiting, and I have diarrhea. I’m so weak, I can hardly stand up.”
“Let me take the kids to school and I’ll come get you.”
“Thank you, Ronnie,” Nett said. “I appreciate it.”
Nett was one of the few people Rhonda knew who always said thank you. She always said how grateful she was for the little gifts that Rhonda would bring her. It made Rhonda feel good to do things for Nett, like driving over in her beat-up old Chevy and taking Nett to the supermarket. The car was a family joke. It cost Rhonda exactly one hundred dollars. It was painted a color that Nett called “puke green.” And it had one brown door and an AM radio that worked. Rhonda would get dressed in her finest outfit, her ragged old mink coat that Grandma had handed down, and drive away in the worst-looking car on the block. The children thought it was hilarious, but on chilly winter days, the car always started.
Nett looked awful. When Rhonda saw her face, she told her, “You are the same color as the car.” Nett was always fragile, but now she was sweating, stooped, and very pale. Nett was admitted to the hospital that afternoon. Rhonda felt almost as bad as Nett looked. She stayed until Nett was situated in her room and hooked up to an IV. The possibility of losing Nett had not yet hit Rhonda.
The next six weeks were horrific. The doctors tested Nett for everything, but they could not find the cause of her debilitating illness. One week they thought she had a kidney ailment, the next week it was a rare form of anemia. Each week they tried a different medication, and frequently Nett would have a bad reaction. She had become so thin and weak she could barely lift her arms. Every morning, Rhonda would drop the kids off at school, visit Nett in the hospital, and then leave at lunchtime to attend classes. After school, she would go home, feed the children, and head back to the hospital.
She never knew in what condition she’d find Nett. Some days she was bloody from a blood test gone bad. Other days she would be in tears because no one had fed her or put her on the bedpan. Rhonda would bathe her, change the bed, comb her hair, and wait for her to fall asleep. She was spending an average of six to eight hours a day at the hospital.
Nett had been in the hospital four months on the day Rhonda visited and found a large group of nurses and interns standing outside of Nett’s room. She wanted to run down the corridor, but she was too shocked and afraid. The closer she got to the room, the weaker she felt. The crowd at the door parted to let her through. When she saw what was going on in the room, she almost fainted.
There was blood everywhere. Nett had a tube down her throat and one in her nose. There were new machines at the side of the bed that whistled and beeped. But the worst sight was modest, fragile Nett lying naked and uncovered on the bed with male doctors standing casually about talking.
“What happened? What the hell is going on?” Rhonda screamed at the doctors. She tried to cover Nett with the sheet that she had picked up from the floor, but the sheets were bloody, and there were too many tubes in the way.
“Your mother went into respiratory arrest. We had to intubate her. We think she’s okay now, but we’ll need to run some more tests.”
“No more tests!” Rhonda screamed at them. “Get out! Get out! You’re killing her! Get out of here. Now!”
“You’re just upset.” The doctor’s tone was patronizing. “Come outside and we’ll talk about it.”
“No, you go outside! Get out now!”
The doctors obliged, taking their conversation out into the corridor. Nett was unconscious, and her eyes were swollen. The large tube extending out of her mouth had been taped to her face. Her hair was a mess. Rhonda walked up the hallway and grabbed a stack of sheets and towels off a linen cart. As she removed the dirty linen from the bed, she found two of Nett’s front teeth, broken and chipped, under a pillow. She looked at the teeth, then at Nett’s face, and fell to her knees. She put her face in her hands and cried. Rhonda realized that she was going to lose her best friend.
Scandal, disgrace, and disappointment marred Rhonda’s graduation. Nett was home from the hospital and living with Rhonda and the children. Rhonda had bought her a new outfit and had sent a hairdresser to the house to do her hair. But when Eddie went to the house to pick up Nett and the children, Nett was too weak and too sick to attend.
Daddy said he didn’t come because he didn’t have carfare.
Rhonda had maintained a 3.99 GPA and was valedictorian of her class. She was also president of the Student Government Association. She had been one of the principal players in a student protest that resulted in the president of the college being removed from office. Two weeks prior to graduation, a group of students accused Rhonda of sleeping with her professors in order to receive good grades. They put signs all over the campus. Some members of the committee that had brought the president up on charges accused her of betraying them in the media and with local politicians. As a member of the committee to search for and appoint a new president of the college, Rhonda was being wooed and solicited by candidates for the job. When she informed them that she intended to vote her conscience, they called her a sellout. People she had once considered friends were now questioning her character. People who were supporting her privately were ignoring her publicly. Rhonda was confused and hurt, but she stood up for herself.
Rhonda made herself a beautiful white dress of English eyelet for graduation. At fourteen dollars per yard for the fabric, it was the most expensive dress she had ever worn. The children wore matching white outfits. When Rhonda walked across the stage to receive her degree, the children walked with her. Damon did a little jig in the middle of the stage to the delight of the audience. Eddie and his entire family came. Even Grandma came and took pictures. Though she never praised or congratulated Rhonda, it was clear that Grandma was proud and excited.
Without Nett or Daddy there, the graduation meant little to Rhonda. She had worked so hard to prove to them that she could do it, and they were not there to see it. She understood Nett’s not being there. Daddy’s excuse was totally unacceptable.
Rhonda spent the summer taking care of Nett in and out of the hospital. Nett would get better, then worse; and the doctors still did not know what was wrong. Finally, Nett began to steadily improve. She grew stronger, and the color came back to her face. She was released from the hospital three weeks before Rhonda was to enter law school. A week later, Eddie decided it was time for him to say good-bye.
They were sitting at the kitchen table, discussing the Stevie Wonder concert they had just attended. Eddie was smoking and drinking rum. Rhonda got up and stretched. She was tired and ready to go to bed. Eddie announced that he was leaving and that he was not coming back.
“Where are you going?” Rhonda asked him.
“Home,” Eddie answered.
“What do you mean you won’t be back?”
“I’m not going to see you anymore. This is it for me.”
“What?”
“I’m ready to move on, to settle down. I’ve always told you that this is not what I want for myself. I think I’m ready to get married.”
“I don’t know yet, but I’m ready.”
“Well, okay. If that’s what you want.”
Rhonda heard it, but she didn’t believe it. When Eddie didn’t call her for three days, she began to think he was serious. She started frantically calling his house, his mother’s house, and Dial-A-Prayer. She elicited the help of friends to watch his house so she’d know of all his comings and goings. But she still did not believe that he was serious. It took about two more weeks for her to get it. When she did, she sent the children to Daddy’s house, pulled the shades down, got in her bed, and stayed there for a week.
On the day she finally got out of bed, Rhonda got dressed and went directly to Eddie’s house. When he opened the door, she didn’t know what to say. They made small talk for a few minutes, and then Rhonda asked if she could come in.
“This isn’t a good time,” Eddie said. “I’ve got company.”
“What does that mean?” Rhonda asked.
“I have someone upstairs.”
“I don’t care! I need to talk to you.”
She stepped quickly to the side, darted past Eddie, and headed up the stairs to his apartment. When she got inside, Rhonda couldn’t believe her eyes. The woman standing in the middle of his living room had her same haircut, size, and height. The woman ran into the bathroom and shut the door. Rhonda sat down, and Eddie offered her something to drink.
“Is that your wife?” Rhonda asked.
“No,” Eddie said, “she’s just a friend.”
“What are you doing? Please help me to understand just what it is you think you are doing.”
“What do you want me to say? I’ve been telling you the same thing for the past four years. I don’t want a ready-made family. It’s not you. It’s not the kids. It’s me. It’s just not what I want.”
Rhonda sat there, letting the words sink in. The other woman crept out of the bathroom and asked permission to use the telephone. When she finished her call, she said to Rhonda, “Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about. This is not about you,” Rhonda told her. “This is about learning how much of myself I’m willing to give up for somebody to love me. I thank you for being here.”
The next time Rhonda saw Eddie was when he visited her in Philadelphia, where she’d moved to practice law.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
What’s the Lesson When You Lose Someone You Really Love?
There is a place in you where there is perfect peace. There is a place in you where nothing is impossible.
A Course in Miracles
THE FACE OF THE WOMAN sitting across the table had become grossly distorted. Even in the semidarkness, Rhonda could see that. Her voice had changed, too. She was speaking, she said, in the voice of Nett’s mother, Ivy Brown.
“I do not want her to suffer,” the voice said. “I want her to rest.”
“Can you make her better?” Rhonda asked, unsure of what she was seeing and hearing.
“If you will place a slice of bread, a glass of water, and a piece of purple cloth on a table for me, I will make sure that she does not suffer.” Rhonda agreed to do it.
The woman speaking was a spiritualist. Rhonda had learned a great deal about spirits and the people who talked to them. She had gone to one to find out the real reason for Eddie’s departure. She had gone to one for a lucky number to make the money she needed to start law school on time. She had read books about them, and she had called them on the telephone. Now she sat across from a spiritualist who was telling her what to do to help Nett get well. Rhonda had lived through a great deal, but she did not believe she could live without Nett.
She was searching. Searching for answers, searching for guidance, and searching for herself. Her life was changing radically, and she felt unprepared. Rhonda was aware of the changes, but she didn’t know what to make of them. Who and what she was becoming was radically different from anything she had ever known. In many ways, she was strong and clear. But in other ways, she felt weak and off balance. She had so many questions about so many things that she felt insecure.
Her support system had dwindled. Her dear friend Ruth had been murdered. Her college buddies were off working. Nett was semicoherent most of the time. There was no man in Rhonda’s life, and her circle of friends was intimidated by her drive to move ahead. As far as they were concerned, Rhonda thought she was too good to be their friend anymore. She was meeting an entirely new set of people in law school, most of whom came from backgrounds and places that Rhonda had only read about.
Being in law school was not like being in college. The people in law school were more intelligent and quite arrogant. It made Rhonda feel inferior and stupid like Ray had said she was. Her classmates had read books she had never heard of. They knew things about the world that Rhonda never imagined existed. Her law books weighed almost as much as she did. They were big, intimidating texts full of words Rhonda had never seen before. Her biggest problem was that there was no one to talk to about how she was feeling except the spiritualist who told her she was courageous to undertake the awesome task of becoming a lawyer. Rhonda felt alone and tired. She kept searching.
During the day, Rhonda attended classes. At night, she worked at whatever job she could find to help make ends meet. Damon was fourteen and working as a messenger and often gave Rhonda the money she needed to buy lunch at school or dinner at home. Two weeks prior to her first semester finals, Nett went into the hospital for the third time in fourteen months. Rhonda was forced to leave law school so she could care for Nett and work full-time to pay for private-duty nurses. When she wasn’t working or visiting Nett, Rhonda was searching for and visiting spiritualists.
When Rhonda set up an altar at home and told the children about the spiritual things she had been doing, they thought she’d lost her mind. They knew she was serious about her spiritual search, so they went along just to make her happy. But when she explained how they could do spiritual things to help Nett, they began to take it seriously, as well. Watching Nett deteriorate before their eyes was a painful and frightening experience for the children.
Nett had been diagnosed with lupus. By the time the doctors had finally made this diagnosis, they had knocked out most of her teeth, and she had a permanent trachea tube protruding from the center of her neck. The massive doses of steroids they had given her had made her partially blind. The doctors’ prognosis for Nett was not good. But Rhonda wouldn’t accept that. She prayed, lit candles, went to church, and did whatever she could in an effort to save her friend, her mother.
When Nett was ready to be released from the hospital, not only was she in bad shape physically, she hallucinated frequently. The doctors recommended that Rhonda place her in a nursing care facility. Nett’s older sister, Sharon, agreed. Sharon had recently retired and did not want the responsibility of caring for Nett, though she said she was willing to help out as much as she could. Rhonda did not agree. She knew that taking Nett into her home would put a strain on her household, but she felt she had no other choice. Rhonda moved her family into a three-bedroom apartment to make room for Nett and the medical equipment and supplies she would need.
Rhonda moved Nett into one bedroom, she took another, and her budding teenagers shared the third room. Damon, Nisa, and Gemmia were so happy that their Nana was out of the hospital, they didn’t mind sleeping on top of each other. Seeing Nett with tubes coming from every orifice was especially hard on Gemmia. Nett was her best friend, and every time Gemmia looked at Nett, she would cry.
It took several weeks, but eventually Nett could use the bathroom and feed herself—with a little help. Nett loved to look at television, though she couldn’t remember what it was called. Nett’s only physical feature to survive her eighteen-month ordeal intact was her hair. The long, jet-black hair that Rhonda had so admired as a child was now a beautiful salt-and-pepper mane that framed Nett’s thin, pale face.
Nett
was sitting in her wheelchair one night, watching television while Rhonda combed and brushed her hair, when she started hallucinating. Nett, who could never deal with the sound of someone screaming, began screaming loudly and waving her hands frantically in the air as if to ward off some imaginary attacker. The children ran into the room. Damon crouched down in a mock karate pose, ready to defend his Nana.
“What’s the matter?” Rhonda said, trying to calm Nett down. “What’s the matter?”
“Help me! Please, help me!” Nett cried out. “Don’t let it get me!” She was terrified.
“What, Nana? What’s trying to get you?”
“Help! Help! Please, help me!” Nett was crying. Rhonda tried to maneuver the wheelchair in another direction so that whatever Nett was seeing would be out of sight.
“I’m not going to let it get you. What is it?” Rhonda asked.
“It’s a goat! I’m afraid. Please help me.”
“We won’t let it bother you. Damon, take it away!”
Damon caught on fast. “See, Nana. He’s nice. He’s not going to hurt you. I’ll put him over here.” Nett stopped swinging her arms around long enough to watch Damon move the goat.
“Who brought that thing in here?” Nett asked.
“It came by itself. I’ll put it out. Okay, Nana?” Damon was in complete control. He walked over to the door, opened it, put the goat out, and closed the door. “See? It’s gone.”
“Who let that nasty thing in here? I’m afraid of them, you know. Why did you let it in here?” Rhonda tried to think of an answer.
“Oh, Nana, you know how they are. They’re all over the place.”
The scene was more than Gemmia could handle. She was standing in the middle of the room, wailing. She was inconsolable; she couldn’t believe what was happening to her grandmother. She was sure that her Nana was dying. Her Nana, who made perfect pancakes and played war and never forgot your birthday.
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