She started toward the kitchen, but he caught her arm, stopping her. His gaze flickered over her face, and she desperately tried not to let her fear show.
“This isn’t everything, Teddy.” His tone was so gentle, she wanted to weep.
“It’s certainly enough,” she said, the double meaning escaping on choked laughter.
He hesitated, his own expression momentarily uncertain. Then his gaze cleared, and his fingers slid from her upper arm down to her hand, which he held loosely in his palm. “I love you, Teddy.”
Her stomach sank, and she visibly flinched at the words, so sweet, so powerful…so smothering. She shook her head in denial. “No, please, don’t.”
“Don’t love you?” he asked, surprise etching his features. “It’s too late, because I’m already too far gone. Don’t say the words? I have to, because I want you to know how serious I am about you. About us.”
She pulled her hand from his. “This is too much, too fast…”
The beginnings of a frown appeared on his face, exposing a niggling of concern. “I know you told me that you don’t have time for a relationship right now, but I’d think after the past week, hell, after last night, you’d make time. What we have together is more than just an itch we both need to scratch.”
Her face flushed, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling of being smothered. Of becoming just as accommodating as her sisters-in-law, and her mother. “Why can’t we just have an affair, and enjoy our time together for as long as it lasts?”
He jammed his hands on his hips, his eyes darkening to a fierce shade of green. “So, you want to use me for sex?”
His harsh voice sent a trickle of uneasiness skidding down her spine. She’d obviously provoked him, but admitting the truth was far better than leading him astray with false promises. “I enjoy being with you, Austin, but I’ve got a job to think about, and a committed relationship would demand more time than I have to give right now.” Her words sounded selfish to her own ears but, dammit, she cherished her independence, the freedom to come and go as she pleased, without answering to anyone.
Her mental assurance lacked a certain conviction she refused to analyze.
Irritation tightened his jaw. “I’ve got my own business to run, and I’m not demanding anything more from you than you’re willing to give. I was hoping we could meet somewhere in the middle.”
She rubbed her forehead wearily, knowing from experience that it rarely worked out so compatibly. Relationships turned demanding in time, and eventually destructive. She shook her head, feeling torn and confused, but ultimately holding on to the belief that balancing a career and relationship wasn’t for her. “I…can’t,” she whispered achingly.
“Why not?” he persisted.
His direct question stirred up many answers, and a whole lot of resentments she’d kept tucked away for so many years. Turning away, she moved deeper into the living room, away from the vibrant heat of Austin’s body, and attempted to explain her reasons the best she could. “It’s taken me years to finally become my own person, to finally break free of my family’s influence. Ever since I was a little girl, my parents have had certain expectations of me. As a teenager, I was groomed to be a ‘lady,’ went to every country-club dance there was and dated ‘respectable’ boys. And when I graduated from high school, my mother set me up with an endless string of potential husband prospects. Every guy I went out with came from an affluent family, and usually after the second or third date my mother was hinting at a wedding. That’s when I broke things off with the guy I was dating, before my mother had the chance to throw an engagement party.”
Standing by the Christmas tree, she reached out and tentatively touched one of the limbs, trying not to let the sentiment behind Austin’s gift get the best of her. She’d never known a man so sweet, so selfless, yet her misgivings wouldn’t allow her to accept what he so generously offered.
Swallowing the huge knot forming in her throat, she continued. “All I wanted was to go to college and pursue a career in graphic design, which I loved. All I got from my parents was nothing but grief, because I was too focused on a career when there was no need for me to work. They disapproved of my choices, and ever since the age of eighteen, I’ve been nothing but a disappointment to them.” She glanced over her shoulder at Austin, meeting his gaze and praying he wouldn’t hate her too badly once this was over. “You saw what I went through last night.”
Something in his eyes softened, and he stepped toward her. “Teddy-”
She held up a hand to ward him off, wanting him to know everything. One touch from him, and she’d lose all train of thought. “Then there was Bartholomew Winston, who was, of course, handpicked by my father and came with my mother’s full approval. He was a banker like his father and grandfather before him, came from old money, and was wealthy enough to impress my parents. After a few months of dating Bart, I finally gave in to the pressure. I had a ring on my finger, a wedding date set, and china patterns all picked out.”
“Did you love him?” Austin asked, that question seemingly important to him.
“No, I didn’t love him,” she admitted, a sad smile touching her mouth. “I cared for him, and I thought that was enough, because he was the first guy who understood and accepted my goals.” She’d learn later that his approval was all an illusion, a way to temporarily appease her. “For the first time in longer than I could remember, my mother and I had a decent relationship. She was in her glory making wedding plans, and I tried to convince myself that I could be happy.” She couldn’t contain the self-deprecating laugh that bubbled out of her. “About three months before the wedding, my parents sat Bart and I down and told me that now that I was getting married to a very prominent man, I should give up this foolishness of having a career. Certainly I couldn’t be a proper wife if I was busy working outside the mansion,” she added sarcastically.
He stood there, too far away, arms crossed over his wide chest, watching her with unfathomable eyes, listening, waiting. He appeared so patient, so understanding, yet there was something in his stance that promised something a bit more charged.
She drew a deep breath, and tightened the sash on her robe, not to keep the lapels together, but in an attempt to keep herself from falling apart. “Bart agreed with my parents, when I thought all along he understood how important being a graphic designer was to me. But he changed his tune, insisting that he wouldn’t have a wife who worked when there was no need for her to do so. And so I insisted that he take his ring back and find a more submissive female who wanted to be his keeper.”
Dragging a hand through her disheveled hair, she inwardly winced as she remembered the fiasco that erupted in her father’s study after her very indelicate declaration. “My parents totally freaked out, but I’d never felt so liberated as I did in that moment. And from then on, I vowed that I’d depend on no one but myself. I moved out of the house, much to my parents’ dismay, and I’ve been supporting myself ever since. I’ve totally disgraced them, but the move bolstered my confidence.” She watched Austin slowly move closer, and her chin rose in a stubborn show of bravado. Unfortunately, her insecurities couldn’t be so easily masked. “I like my independence. I’ve struggled for it. I’ve earned it, and I don’t want to give it up.”
Very gently, he used his thumb and forefinger and lowered her chin back down, as if silently telling her she had no reason to be defensive with him. “Who said anything about giving it up?” Before she could issue a response, he continued. “What makes you think you can’t have a relationship and a career? What makes you think I’d ever try and stifle you like your parents have tried to do?”
His barrage of questions made her head spin. His nearness made her long to put her arms around his neck, cling to his strength, and forget about every one of her doubts. “Because that’s what ultimately happens! I’ve been through it personally, and I’ve seen my brothers do it to each of their wives-”
He scoffed, a harsh sound that cut through her protest
s. “Oh, you’d be surprised, Teddy. If I learned anything last night, it’s that your sisters-in-law are hardly the submissive types. They let your brothers think they have the upper hand and put on a good show for your mother and father, but every one of them is an independent, self-sufficient woman who seems to have found an equal balance with her husband.”
His insightful view astounded her, and left her speechless.
He took advantage of her wide-eyed stare. “You have nothing to prove to me, Teddy,” he said. “Nothing at all. I love you just the way you are, stubborn, independent and determined to grasp that promotion you want so badly. And I’d never do anything to change the person you are, or interfere with what’s important to you.”
She heard his words, and really wanted to believe them, but couldn’t stem the rise of panic that flooded her…a deep-rooted fear that his understanding would wane in time.
She thought into the future, to where a committed relationship with Austin would lead, and her doubts were confirmed. “But you want a wife, and babies.”
“Yeah, I do,” he admitted. “Eventually.”
“I don’t want that,” she said, issuing the denial out of self-preservation.
“Don’t you?” His deep voice was calm and soothing, but his eyes pierced her with a perception that shook her to the depths of her soul.
She paced away from him, the intensity of her feelings for Austin deluging her with more unsettling thoughts. Her deep longing for him seemed to eclipse her lifelong need for independence and made her wonder what her life would be like if she eventually married Austin and gave him the babies he wanted.
And that’s where everything became a jumbled, conflicting mess in her mind. She’d been taught that women were supposed to be complacent, dutiful wives, and when babies came along, women stayed at home, falling into a maternal role that didn’t include the career Teddy had spent years working toward.
Dread balled in her stomach, overriding sense or reason. “No, I don’t want that,” she forced herself to say, and tried her best to believe those words. Sinking into the cushions of the couch, she beseeched Austin with her gaze. “All this has taken me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting to fall for you. And I don’t think I can be what you ultimately need in your life.” The statement came out as a tight, aching whisper.
His mouth stretched into a grim line. “You’re not even willing to try.”
“I’m willing to give you what I can.” She hated the uncertain quiver in her voice. Hated even more the fear that ruled her emotions.
“A no-strings affair,” he said, his tone flat.
Right now, it was all she could offer him. “Yes.”
“No way. It’s not enough.” His expression turned angry. “I’ve been used like that before, and I won’t be anyone’s part-time plaything again.”
Hearing the heated condemnation in his voice, and suspecting he, too, had been played for a fool in the past, she regarded him cautiously. “What are you talking about?”
“The last relationship I was in, if you could even call it that, was with a woman who was out for a good time, and I was it. Her name was Diane, and she was a Fantasy for Hire customer. Just like you, she was looking for a personal fantasy.”
Teddy’s heart sank as she realized the correlation between her own behavior and this other woman’s. Beyond Austin’s anger, she also heard the hurt in his deep voice, and realized that this other woman had trampled on his emotions and had given him a few insecurities of his own.
“She used me, Teddy, and when the affair came down to something more serious for me, she blew me off.” Tension bunched the muscles across his chest and in his arms as he stood on the other side of the coffee table. “Bottom line, I wasn’t good enough for her, and the life she led. Not on a permanent basis anyway.”
She winced at the lash of his words, and the bitterness seeping into his tone. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice tight and aching.
“Yeah, me too.” His cold gaze held hers relentlessly. “So no, I don’t do convenient affairs, Teddy. I need some kind of commitment when I’m serious about a woman. No matter how old-fashioned it may seem, when I fall in love, I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy. And I expect the same from the woman I’m involved with.”
Her throat closed up, making speech impossible. His rare declaration of fidelity and devotion was what women dreamed of, and Teddy’s heart swelled with so many regrets, so many fears…and the overwhelming need to believe him, and accept his precious offering. The upheaval of emotions swamped her, pulling her in two different directions.
Letting out a low sigh of defeat, he headed for the hallway that led to her bedroom-to gather up his things, she suspected-then stopped before disappearing. “And just for the record, Teddy, I’ve never told another woman that I was in love with her. You’re the first, and I didn’t make the declaration lightly.”
She closed her eyes, listening to the rustling sounds drifting from down the hall, and tried to convince herself that it was best that things ended now, instead of when the relationship became more complicated. More demanding.
Her heart twisted unmercifully, rejecting the convenient excuse she desperately tried to cling to. Emotionally, she was already over her head-and the realization was alarming.
He returned to the living room minutes later, changed into his damp clothes, duffel bag in hand. “You’re still hanging on to the fantasy, Teddy,” he said, his gaze uncompromising as it held hers. “I’m offering you the real thing, and I won’t accept anything less from you, either.”
And then he was gone. As the silence and solitude she’d always cherished surrounded her, hot tears scalded her eyes. Seconds ticked into minutes, which turned into hours as she sat on the couch and stared at the Christmas tree Austin had bought for her, to share with her. Yet she’d pushed him out of her life, so determined to preserve her independence…so afraid to trust him with her heart.
“ARE YOU SURE I can’t convince you to join Brenda and me for a drink at the Frisco Bay?” Laura asked, her concerned voice attempting to cajole Teddy into accepting the invitation.
“I’m sure.” Teddy appreciated her friend’s attempt to cheer her up, but there were too many memories of Austin at the Frisco Bay, and she just wasn’t up to making polite conversation when her heart ached like nothing she’d ever experienced before.
It had been a week and a half since Christmas morning, when Austin had walked out of her life. She hadn’t heard from him, not that she’d expected to after the angry way they’d parted. She’d spent the holiday weekend by herself, alone and lonely and wallowing in misery. The tree in her living room had remained undecorated, yet she couldn’t bring herself to remove it from the condo, either.
She’d refused the New Year’s Eve parties Laura and Brenda had invited her to, feeling as though she had little to celebrate. Her parents had invited her and Austin over for New Year’s Day brunch at the house, hoping to “get to know Austin better,” since it seemed the two of them were serious about each other. Teddy declined that gracious offer with a convenient fib that she had other plans. She didn’t have the heart to tell her mother that Austin was no longer a part of her life.
And after she’d hung up the phone, Teddy recognized the irony of her parents accepting Austin, even if it was on a tentative level, when she’d been the one to judge him so harshly.
Pushing that awful thought aside, she reached for a file on her desk and resumed her conversation with Laura. “I’ve got a proposal to finish up here at work,” she said, pulling out the first draft copy of a resort brochure. “So I’ll be here late tonight. You and Brenda go and have a good time.”
“All right,” Laura reluctantly agreed. “Hey, isn’t tomorrow the day you find out if you get the senior graphic design promotion?”
Teddy found she couldn’t even summon a small bout of enthusiasm over what once had been her sole ambition. “Yeah. There’s a board meeting first thing in the morning. I should know by noon.”
> “Well, good luck, and keep me and Brenda posted.”
Teddy managed a small smile, grateful for her friends’ support. “Thanks, I will.”
Hanging up the phone, she continued working on the brochure, making notes for narrative, and jotting down ideas for what she thought would make for an attractive, trifold advertisement. She welcomed the diversion-it kept thoughts of Austin at bay.
It was a little after 6:00 p.m., and outside her office she could hear other employees leaving for the evening. The building grew quiet, except for the occasional hum of the copier being used by an ambitious employee working late like herself, or the ring of the outer telephone that someone else picked up. Another hour, she decided, and she’d pack up her work and head home, though the thought of entering her condo made her dread the lonely, solitary night ahead. It no longer seemed to matter that she’d once cherished the privacy and freedom that came with being an unattached woman.
“Trying to make a last-minute impression on me?”
Louden’s sly voice slithered down Teddy’s spine, and she glanced up to find her boss standing in the doorway to her office. “No, I’m trying to do my job and meet my current deadline. I’m sure you’ve made up your mind by now who will get the promotion.”
Very casually, he entered the room, closing the door behind him. Her heart gave a distinct thump in her chest, and uneasiness congealed in her belly.
His pale gaze flickered over her silk blouse, then rose to her eyes again as he moved closer to her desk. “I submit my final choice tomorrow morning, before the board meeting begins. It’s still not too late for me to put you at the top of the list.” His insinuation rang clear-as of this moment, she wasn’t his top candidate for the position. “How about dinner tonight?”
Feeling very uncomfortable being alone with Louden in her office, she stood and reached for her briefcase, deciding it was time to pack up and leave. “I don’t think so. Austin is expecting me home shortly.”
Christmas Fantasy Page 17