‘Daisy,’ Boyd whispered urgently and tugged her skirt. ‘Kneel down.’
‘Oh, yes. Yes.’ She pulled herself together and slid off the polished pew to kneel on the hassock, resting her confused head on the cold hard wood in front of her. She didn’t hear any of the prayers and if she was honest she sang the remaining Christmas hymns mindlessly, not thinking of the words that she normally enjoyed.
When the service ended the congregation stood as his lordship’s party made their slow progress back down the aisle, followed by estate and village dignitaries from the pews in front of her. Daisy kept her eyes firmly on her feet and thought about how cold her toes had become until she was aware of a general surge as less important village folk prepared to take their leave.
Boyd took hold of her arm. ‘Sit down, Daisy. We’ll wait for the throng to ease.’
And for Master James to be on his way back to the Abbey, she thought. It was the right thing to do, she realised, but she still yearned to rush after him. Daisy tried to respond to cheery greetings and lively wall shadows caused by jostling lanterns as the crowd thinned. But dismay set in when she noticed Mr Stanton waiting in the church porch with his lamp. Surely he would have left with his lordship?
‘Higgins. A word with you now, if you please.’
‘Of course, sir’ Boyd replied. ‘May I see my sister safely to the care of her employer first?’
‘I’ve spoken with Mr Farrow. He has taken his wife home and I have assured him I shall deliver your sister safely to his door within the half hour. Bring her with you. We shall speak in the Lady chapel.’
Boyd exchanged a troubled frown with Daisy and a whispered, ‘Don’t say anything,’ as they followed the bobbing lantern through an ornate iron gate into a private corner of the church.
‘Your sister is eighteen, is she not,’ Mr Stanton began. Boyd nodded wordlessly and stood silently as the older man went on. ‘It is difficult for you, having no parents to guide you, so I shall take that role upon myself.’
‘There is no need to trouble yourself, sir. Daisy is housed and has a position now.’
‘Do not interrupt me. I have noticed how much you care for her and also how attractive she is growing. So you will not disagree when I say that I must find her a husband.’
Chapter 29
‘I most certainly shall!’ Boyd protested. ‘She is not yet ready for marriage, and she does not have a follower.’
‘It is not up to you, Higgins. She is not of age so it is her employer’s permission I shall seek. I shall inform him that she must marry soon.’
Daisy’s eyes had become wider with each exchange. She ignored Boyd’s advice and interrupted, ‘I do not wish to marry!’
‘Be quiet, Miss Higgins.’
Daisy was ready to continue her protest but she was thrown off guard by the steward’s manner of address. He called her ‘Miss Higgins’ as though she were a person of some consequence and she really, really liked the sound of it. ‘Miss Higgins’ implied she was grown up and – well, ready for marriage. Yet she had never imagined herself wed to anyone, except of course her beloved Boyd and she could not marry him. She had toyed with her fantasies of Master James. Her girlish dreams had wandered in that direction in spite of her self reproach.
‘Why must she marry, sir?’ Boyd demanded. Daisy picked up a simmering anger in his tone and stance.
‘Do I have to explain? She is attracting the wrong kind of attention.’
‘You insult her, sir. What you speak of is in the mind of others. She does not seek it for herself.’
Boyd was not quite right about this, she thought. She had not sought male attention in the way she had seen some of the female servants act at the Abbey. But, if she were being totally honest with herself, she had sought – did seek – the attention of Master James. She couldn’t help herself and she reckoned he felt the same whatever their differences in status were.
Mr Stanton appeared irritated by Boyd’s last remark. ‘Yes, yes, Higgins, I know your sister’s character is unblemished. You have mistaken my meaning. I am concerned only for the attention she receives from one particular direction. Do not deny that you have noticed it too.’
Daisy knew he could not and neither could she. Boyd blew out his cheeks. ‘You mean from Master James?’ he said.
‘I do indeed and I cannot knowingly allow any breath of scandal to affect his reputation. The Riding looks to the Abbey for example and there are too many past misdemeanours in his lordship’s family waiting to be resurrected.’
‘It is not her doing, sir. She has moved out of the Abbey.’
‘But not very far.’
‘She has to be near to me, sir. I am her only kin.’
‘Precisely, Higgins! That is the reason she must marry. She will no longer be a temptation and out of harm’s way. You must see the sense of it.’ Mr Stanton gave a satisfied nod. ‘I have one or two servants who are suitable. I shall approach them tomorrow.’
Daisy had listened quietly for long enough, and whilst Boyd had valiantly defended her position, she knew he could not go against the steward’s declared intentions. But she could. She stepped forward and said, ‘Truly, sir, you need not be concerned. I have no improper notions and I have no wish to marry anyone.’
‘Do not be ridiculous! You are a young woman. Of course you wish to marry.’
‘But I should like to choose my husband for myself!’ She saw the impatience on Mr Stanton’s face and pleaded, ‘Boyd, don’t let him do this to me!’
Her brother moved closer and took hold of her hand. ‘I believe I must take my sister’s side in this, sir.’
‘You won’t if you know what’s good for you, Higgins,’ the steward warned. ‘The sooner I have her settled with a brood of infants to occupy her, the more secure your position at the Abbey will be. Without a husband, she will be a constant source of temptation.’
Daisy knew that Boyd did not like to be pressured in any way and she held her breath. His grip on her hand tightened and his stance told her he was angry. ‘Then so be it,’ he replied. ‘I shall not see my sister wed to a man who does not love her simply because Master James, who should know better, cannot control his carnal instincts!’
Alarmed that this outburst would anger the steward further and seriously threaten his position, Daisy tugged at his hand anxiously. ‘Hush, Boyd.’ She appealed to the steward. ‘He does not mean that, sir. He is simply concerned for my happiness.’
This time Mr Stanton did not tell her to be quiet, or ignore her response. ‘Then you should understand why you must marry,’ he replied.
‘But I do not wish to wed anyone yet, sir. And I believe that Mrs Farrow would not wish me to leave her employ.’
‘Stubborn girl!’ the steward responded irritably. ‘What has Mrs Farrow to do with it? Mr Farrow is an Abbey tenant and he will do as he is told. He will give his permission for you to be courted and you, Higgins, will not object.’
Daisy stared at Boyd in the lamplight. He must do as the steward demanded. If he didn’t, he would lose his position. ‘I don’t want to wed a stranger, Boyd,’ she whispered.
‘Don’t worry, Daisy, I’ll not let you.’ He squared up to the steward. ‘My sister has grown into a striking young woman, sir, but there are many pretty girls employed at the Abbey so why would any Abbey servant choose to wed her, a penniless servant whom he does not love?’
‘Love? Love has nothing to do with it! I shall allocate an estate cottage to her suitor upon his marriage and he will welcome his good fortune. She will have a husband and a secure home, Higgins. Would you deny your sister that?’
‘I won’t see her wed to a man who does not love her and will not care for her as much as I do.’
The steward lost his patience. ‘Now you are being ridiculous. This interview is at an end. As soon as I have found her a willing suitor she will be wed.’ He picked up his lamp. ‘I shall wait for your sister in the churchyard. Do not keep Mr Farrow waiting up.’ He walked out, leaving Daisy
and Boyd in the darkness.
Daisy turned her face into her brother’s broad chest and flung her arms around him. ‘You must not go against him, Boyd! What shall I do? Tell me what to do.’
‘I don’t know, Daisy.’ He sounded desperate and his arms tightened around her. He hugged her body against his, as though he did not want to let her go.
Nor did she wish him to, for he had always been there for her and if she had to wed someone else she would lose him. ‘Don’t let this happen to me, Boyd. We should be separated, and then you would get wed too and we should be parted for ever,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t want to lose you.’
The edge of her bonnet pressed into his cheeks and he pushed it back with his nose to drop a soft kiss on her hair. ‘You won’t ever lose me, dearest Daisy. I love you too much to let you go.’ His lips trailed across her brow and he wanted to hold her very close. Dear Lord, no! He shoved her away from him abruptly. What was happening to him? Daisy was his sister and he loved her but not as a sweetheart, for heaven’s sake! He could not, should not, feel like this about his sister.
She resisted his rejection. ‘Don’t push me away, Boyd! I’m fearful of the future and need you. Will you not hold me for just a little longer?’ She reached out tentatively with a gloved hand.
He knocked her hand away brusquely. ‘No! I – I – Mr Stanton will be waiting for you. You – you must not test his patience.’
For a moment Daisy’s lower lip trembled and she felt a tear threaten. Boyd was angry with her because she had jeopardised his position. And she wasn’t even sure what she had done wrong, only that it always seemed to be she who was the root cause of the trouble. Maybe the steward was right. ‘I’m truly sorry. I didn’t mean any harm,’ she whispered.
In spite of the cold dank air in the church, Boyd’s head was hot and confused. He took Daisy’s elbow roughly and shoved her after the steward. ‘Hurry, before you lose sight of his lantern.’ But Daisy could not leave Boyd if he felt ill of her. She turned, stretched her neck and gave him a kiss on his cheek before scurrying after the steward.
Boyd stood in the blackness, rubbing his face where her lips had been and realised with horror that the feelings she stirred in him were not those of brotherly love. He stumbled out of the tiny Lady chapel and staggered along a pew until he reached the central aisle. Two candle stubs still burned dimly, one each side of the large brass cross that adorned the altar. Lord Jesus Christ, forgive me, he begged silently. His heart was thumping and his head was burning. He collapsed to his knees and then spread himself, prostrate, on the cold stone floor. Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me.
He could not say how long he prayed, only that his eyes were damp and his flesh was cold when he heard the church door open and he scrambled to his feet.
‘Who’s there?’ It was the rector, carrying a burning candle.
‘Higgins, sir, from the Abbey stables.’ He slid onto a pew and bowed his head.
‘You are praying alone? Does something trouble you, my son?’
‘It does, sir.’
‘Will you talk of it?’
‘I – I cannot, sir.’
‘Move along the pew and I shall pray with you.’
Boyd obeyed and the vicar settled on the wooden seat beside him.
‘Have you asked God for forgiveness?’
Boyd nodded, tried to speak and choked on the words.
‘You can tell me, son,’ the rector went on. ‘It will help you to overcome your sin.’
‘I – I have had impure thoughts, sir, about – about—’ He couldn’t say it.
‘Are your impure thoughts of a carnal nature?’
Boyd nodded.
‘Have you acted upon these thoughts?’
‘Oh no, sir, she is – she is – I mean—’ He rubbed the palm of his hand over his face.
The rector seemed relieved. ‘You are praying for forgiveness because you have had carnal thoughts about your sweetheart?’
‘She is not my sweetheart, sir.’
‘She belongs to another?’
‘No, sir! Yes, sir. I mean she is – she is –’ He couldn’t say it because he knew he should not have these feelings. Incest was a heinous sin and the church would not forgive him for such wicked thoughts, not ever. ‘She is young sir,’ he finished lamely.
‘I trust that the maid in question is old enough to wed?’ The vicar sounded so censorious that Boyd protested, ‘Oh yes, sir.’
‘Then God has given you his answer. If you desire her so strongly you must woo her and wed her, my son. Marriage is an institution endowed by God to prevent fornication.’
Marriage? Yes, of course, the rector was right, just as the steward was right. Boyd must remove temptation. But he was her only kin so he could not send her away, or indeed leave himself. Daisy’s sisterly love for him must be diverted to romantic love for another. He would never neglect his responsibilities for her welfare. He would always look out for her, but if she were wed, he would be distanced from her.
He saw now the errors of their upbringing. The cruelty of their parents had driven them together more closely than a brother and sister should be. Running away from home had thrown them into an even closer alliance. He shut his eyes in shame as he remembered their night at the gamekeeper’s hut.
He had been aware of his weakness for her then. He, too, would have to remove himself from temptation. He must heed the vicar’s words and find himself a sweetheart. But not until his beloved Daisy was secure in the devotion of another. In the darkness, he frowned at the pain these thoughts aroused. A knife was twisting in his heart and he suppressed a strangled sob.
‘You are distressed, my son?’
‘I fear my weakness will be the better of me, sir.’
‘Then pray to our Lord for strength. I, too, shall pray for you and your loved one.’
‘Th-thank you, sir.’
The rector stifled a yawn and rose awkwardly to his feet.
Boyd noticed his gait and asked, ‘Are you quite well, sir?’
‘My bones are weary. But I do not complain for they are not as weary as Lord Redfern’s. Good night, my son.’
‘Good night, sir.’
Boyd went out into the crisp night air. Moonlight picked up a keen frost on shrubs and grass and a black sky sparkled with stars. It was Christmas Day, a time for joy and celebration but his heart was heavy as he contemplated a life without his beloved sister and then choked back a strangled groan that this love he had for her was an evil sin. He hurried along the track to the Abbey stables, his anxiety and shame overcoming any sense of the forgiveness he had prayed for. What kind of man was he to harbour such wicked desires? He broke into a run, felt his breath rasping in his chest and wished he had a horse to ride away his sins. In spite of the cold, sweat trickled down his spine and his hair became damp under his cap.
As he approached the stables he heard singing from his fellow servants. It was not the normal drunken revelry, but the Christmas hymns that everyone knew by heart. He slowed his pace and breathed deeply to quieten his thumping heart. He had a task to complete. If his darling Daisy had to marry, he must make sure her husband would be a good and sober man, with a position and prospects.
He must do his best to ensure her marriage was a happy one. Yes, he would do that first and then … and then he must look to his own future, take the rector’s advice and woo a wife for himself. Perhaps if he directed his urges towards another woman, he might fall in love with her and his love for Daisy would fade. Yes. That was his answer from God. Both he and Daisy must find sweethearts to marry. His breathing subsided as he pondered this solution.
The outdoor servants were sitting on felled tree trunks around a crackling fire to sing their Christmas hymns. A few held lanterns but most warmed their frozen fingers around tankards of mulled ale, served to them by Mr Stanton. It was the custom at the Abbey for his lordship’s family to wait on the servants at their Christmas celebration. As family was in short supply at Redfern Abbey, the senior serv
ants honoured this tradition and were proud to do so. The steward had arranged for hot chestnuts from the kitchens and a wooden tray of pastries made savoury with cheese or spice passed from hand to hand. Boyd sat on the end of a log and joined in the singing. He knew what he must do, but the knowledge did not quell his confusion and uneasiness.
Chapter 30
Daisy’s shiny eyes were put down to the cold weather when she reached the butcher’s shop with Mr Stanton. He had not uttered a word to her until he bid her goodnight and a Happy Christmas as he handed her over to Mr Farrow. How could Boyd side with him about marrying when she said she didn’t want it? She thought Boyd loved her. But clearly he loved his position at the stables more. She sighed. She was being unfair. That was not true and she understood why he had to agree.
It’s just that she had not, since her silly childhood proposal to Boyd, given marriage a thought. She didn’t want to marry and she didn’t need to while she had Boyd. He was all she wanted for a husband and, yes, she knew she could not marry him, he had told her so quite firmly when she was eight. However, that didn’t stop her thinking that she would rather be a spinster and live with him than be married to someone she did not love.
She was so used to Boyd being there for her that she hadn’t given their future much thought until now. But the notion that they would be separated if she were forced to marry someone else alarmed her. Who would love her as much as Boyd did? He would lay down his life for her, not that she would ever let him for she felt the same about him. Boyd must know this for how could he not? She had to make the steward understand this and then, surely, he would not insist on a marriage for her.
But it was not love for anyone that was on the steward’s mind, she realised. It was lust. It was Master James’s attraction towards her that had driven him to his decision. She had done her best to keep away from him but as soon as she saw him in church, that familiar thrill had coursed through her. She wanted to return his attentions, get to know him more and to let him woo her. She wanted to explore the unknown territory that was this desire connecting them and – and yes, she knew what he would want from her and it made no difference because she was sure it would be a proper love between them. True love, married love that lasted a lifetime, a love that her young body craved and when she thought of that her common sense deserted her.
The Lost And Found Girl Page 26