I had almost canceled with the Langston’s, but Myrna wouldn’t hear of it; she said she would un-invite Scott first. When I arrived alone I felt like my emotions were just on the edge and ready to burst. I found myself wanting to cry at the littlest of things as we prepared the food. The Langston’s liked to eat their Thanksgiving mid-afternoon, so we were busy bees all morning. We made pies, stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, and of course turkey, mashed potatoes and homemade gravy. I also made a pear and raspberry cream salad. It was a recipe that had been in my family forever, and we had it every Thanksgiving. I needed a piece of home with me.
Myrna and Deanna tried to talk to me about what was going on with Scott as we cooked, but I just told them I couldn’t talk about it. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s day with my blubbering. I was so close to losing it as it was, especially with their looks of concern throughout the day.
Dinner was finally done, and the table was set beautifully with the place settings Myrna and I had made the previous week. We were all ready to eat, but there was still no Scott. I had tried to call him and text him, but he never responded. His family was getting quite upset, even Jerry who is considerably laid back.
“We’re eating,” Jerry announced irritably at three.
The space next to me at the table felt like a big black hole.
Jerry blessed the food, and he made special mention of me and how thankful they all were to have me be part of their family. That did it. The tears finally escaped and ran down my cheeks. When the blessing was done, all eyes were on me. I felt ridiculous, but very loved—at least by those at the table. Myrna came over and gave me a big motherly hug and told me how much she loved me. I loved her too.
The mood at the table was a little subdued as we began to eat, even Nick was less than his boisterous self, but he did tease me that I should reconsider the whole younger men thing. I was beginning to reconsider men in general. I was thinking more of getting a dog or a cat. I had my fill of men.
Half way through dinner, Scott finally showed up. With his wet hair, he looked like he had just gotten out the shower. The race had been over for hours, so this perplexed me. I had a feeling I didn’t want to know where he’d been and what he had been doing all day. He definitely didn’t have a warm reception, but he sat down next to me like nothing had happened and like he had been on time. He even kissed my cheek in greeting.
His mom was furious. “Scotty where have you been? Ava has been calling you all afternoon. We were all worried something had happened to you.”
He started telling us what a great day he had had. The turkey trot was amazing, and Beth even won her age category in the women’s division. Then, apparently, they met up with some other people from their group and had a delicious lunch together. And to top it off, he was kind of stuffed from that, so he wasn’t going to eat. Everyone stared at him in amazement.
I was surprised when his dad got upset and told him how extremely unthoughtful he had been to his mother and me and his whole family.
“Son, what is wrong with you?”
Before Scott could respond, I stood up. “I’m not feeling well.” Which I wasn’t. “I think I’m going to go home.” I turned to Myrna and Jerry. “Thank you so much for inviting me.”
They tried to convince me to stay, but I couldn’t be around Scott for another second. I couldn’t even look at him. I think I heard him say my name, but I didn’t care. I’m pretty sure his parents yelled at him to go after me, but I was just trying to stay focused on not crying or losing my dinner.
Scott did run after me, but I had already made it to my jeep by the time he got to me. He gently grabbed my arm as I went to open my door.
“Ava, please stay.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why?”
“Scott, I don’t really think you care if I stay or not.”
“Ava, of course I care. I’m sorry I was late and didn’t pick up my phone. I had turned it off.”
“Scott, don’t you get it? I shouldn’t have had to call you. You should have just been here with me and your family in the first place. I mean, where do I even fit into your life anymore?”
He swallowed hard and looked nervous. “Well I’ve been thinking about that. In my bereavement group we’ve been discussing relationships and they said we should be careful about the relationships we form right after losing a spouse because rebound type relationships typically aren’t beneficial.”
I just stared at him, dumfounded by what he said. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. So I went off on him. “Scott, please tell me you didn’t just call what we have a rebound relationship. You can spout that crap to someone else. I know Dr. Heard and what her opinion would be of our relationship and maybe you forget, but I hold a degree in Psychology too. So, if you don’t want to see me anymore, then just be man enough to say it, but don’t you dare hide behind your twisted version of what Dr. Heard said. In fact, I bet it wasn’t even her. If I had to guess, I would say Beth.”
His face turned red. I had hit the nail on the head. He still wouldn’t look at me. He just kind of talked above me. “We never said this was an exclusive relationship, maybe it would be good to see other people for right now.”
I just shook my head in amazement. “I didn’t realize we were still in high school and we had to declare we were going steady. But fine, we’re done. Just remember that I loved you and wanted you, and not out of any needy or selfish reasons, only because of who you are or at least who I thought you were.”
He finally had the decency to look at me. “Did you just say you love me?”
The tears that I had been holding back came on full force.
“I did, but don’t worry. I know you don’t feel the same way. Goodbye, Scott.”
I turned from him and quickly got in my jeep. I think I heard him say, “Ava,” but he didn’t try and stop me. I drove around the block and pulled over and just cried and cried. When I finally had my emotions under control enough to drive, I raced home. As soon as I walked in the door, I dialed my mom. “Momma, I want to come home.”
Chapter 13
The next day, while people were out enjoying Black Friday shopping, I typed up my resignation and two week notice. My parents also put me in touch with a local realtor they had met at a recent realtor conference. I made an appointment to meet with him the following week. I spent the weekend organizing what would stay and what would come with me in two weeks. Furnished homes typically sell quicker and at higher prices, so I would only be taking with me what I could fit in my jeep and a rented trailer. My brother, Tucker, was going to fly in and drive back with me.
As long as I stayed busy, I was ok. The moment I stopped, I was a mess. Nighttime was the worst. I remembered when Peter and I separated and the horrible sleepless nights with only my thoughts for company. I found myself there again. My heart was broken, and I didn’t even have my best friend to go to because he was the culprit. I slept on the couch because Scott and I shared bedroom walls; I didn’t want him to hear me crying.
I had avoided Scott all weekend, or maybe he avoided me. Either way, I didn’t see him until Sunday. I was walking out to go get some boxes, and there he and Beth were at his door, looking like they were going in and like they had just been for a run. My heart sank. Scott and I both stared at each other for a moment. I put on my “I couldn’t care less” face and walked away.
Surprisingly, on my way to the garage Scott texted me. “It’s not what you think.”
I wasn’t sure what that meant or why he would text me. We were over, and I was pretty sure it was exactly what I thought. Beth had done her job of playing damsel-in-distress well, and now Scott was able to play hero again.
I didn’t respond to the text, so several minutes later I got an, “Ava?”
Really? Why would I respond to him? Thankfully, he left me alone after that. I came home and began packing my boxes. I made a box full of all the stuff Scott had given me; my b
irthday gifts, his house key, Shedd Aquarium shirts, and beluga and dolphin stuffed animals were all packed away and staying here. I also made boxes for Goodwill; one included my wedding dress. I wanted to leave behind all evidence of Scott and Peter. I was going to be proudly embracing single life for the rest of my life.
I was exhausted by the time Monday came, and it left me in no mood to deal with what I had waiting for me at my garage. There stood Scott. I kept wondering why exes just couldn’t leave and then stay gone. I mean, they don’t want you when they have you, but yet there he stood near my garage keypad. And honestly, he kind of looked like a wreck. His shirt was untucked and his hair was unkempt; he hadn’t shaved in at least a few days.
I didn’t say anything to him. I was very confused by his presence. He had made his wishes known.
“Ava,” he said. “I wanted to explain about yesterday She was there because…”
I stopped him. “Scott, honestly I don’t want to hear your explanation and frankly I don’t understand why you would want to give me one anyways. I thought I was just your non-exclusive rebound.” I know that was over the top, but he had no idea how much he’d hurt me. And it was either lash out or cry.
He ran his fingers through his hair; again, he looked and acted like a wreck. “Ava, I don’t think of you like that.”
“Huh, that’s how I heard it. Excuse me, I’m going to be late for work.” I walked toward my door.
“Can we please get together later and talk?” he called out to me.
“No.”
I took off and left him standing there staring after me as I drove away. I had to will myself not to cry on the way to work. It was already going to be tough as I was handing in my notice. I don’t know if I could say I was going to miss this particular job, but it had grown on me. I had never thought I would be in emergency medicine, but it was what was available when I had moved here. I definitely learned a lot, mostly about myself. It had stretched me in ways I didn’t think were possible, so in that regards, I was going to miss it. And for the interim, I would miss being a nurse, but the break was going to be welcome.
I just didn’t know why Scott wanted to talk to me or why he cared to tell me about what was going on with him and Beth. I hated that name by the way. Good luck to you, Beth, I hope you like Jenna. She probably would.
I also needed to tell Scott’s mom about my decision to move. I had talked to her several times since Thanksgiving, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her over the phone, especially because she was so upset about Scott and me. I couldn’t say because of our break-up because that would have implied we had actually been a couple, and according to him we hadn’t been. I still couldn’t believe he said that to me. It was a very low blow.
The first thing I did was turn in my notice to the Director of the ER. He was very flattering and asked if there was a possibility of me changing my mind. He even offered me a raise. Maybe I should have quit earlier, but I told him I wouldn’t be staying and I was moving out of state. It felt so weird that I was finally going home. I was kind of proud that I had made it almost two and a half years on my own, even amidst terrible heartache and turmoil. I realized I was running home now, but I made a good run of it. And the thought of living next to Scott and watching him be with someone besides me, I couldn’t bear it. I had already watched one man I love leave me for another woman, I couldn’t do it again. I just wondered why I was never enough.
For Peter I was apparently too needy, for Scott I wasn’t needy enough and I didn’t come with a dead spouse; I only had a lying, cheating ex one. If he only knew how painful divorce was, at least in death you can say they died still loving you and they didn’t leave you for someone else. You didn’t have to see them have what you so desperately wanted to have with them. In some ways I felt like dealing with death would have been easier.
I called Myrna and made an appointment with her. I wanted her to cut my hair one more time before I left. She was the best stylist I had ever had, and besides, I loved spending time with her. I wanted to make sure I spent as much time as I could with her before I left. I was hoping I could convince her and Jerry to take a vacation my way.
Myrna said she would take me that night after work. I decided on my way over to tell her that I was moving after she cut my hair. I didn’t want her emotional while wielding scissors. When I got there, she gave me her signature mother hug. I could tell she still wasn’t happy about the previous weekend. I didn’t expect she would be.
As soon as I got in the chair she started in. “So Jerry and I talked to Scotty yesterday and told him he was the biggest friggin’ moron we had ever raised and that he had just thrown away the best thing that had ever come his way. I blame myself.” she said. “I should have been more vocal about all this Jenna nonsense. They didn’t have a very happy marriage and he has made it out to be this friggin’ fairytale. I was trying to be a good mother and give him his space, but what I should have been doing was knocking some sense into him.” She took a deep breath. “You did the right thing breaking up with him.”
I corrected her. “We didn’t break up, because he said we were never officially a couple.” I probably shouldn’t have said it, but there is something about being in a salon that does something to women.
She put her hand to heart. “Oh, Ava. I’m so ashamed of the fruit of my loins!”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear about the fruit of her loins, but I admit it gave me a much needed laugh.
“The next time I see that boy, I’m gonna smack him so hard.”
“I’m ok with that.”
She squeezed my shoulders. “So what are you going to do, sweetheart? I know some nice boys at church I could introduce you to.”
I looked at her through the mirror. “Thanks, but I think I’m done with men. I guess there is something wrong with me.”
She spun me around in her chair and looked down at me. “Ava, I never want to hear you say that. No one is perfect, but sweetheart you are pretty darn close in my book and I know good people when I see them and you are good people. Your ex-husband and my son are the idiots.”
I couldn’t help it, I started crying. “Thanks, Myrna. What am I going to do without you?”
She tilted her head. “What do you mean? I’m not going anywhere, in my heart you’re family.”
I took her hands. “Myrna, I’m moving home next weekend.”
She started crying. I think everyone in the salon was staring at us now as we blubbered together. When she noticed, she told everyone to go about their business. I got the feeling she didn’t cry often.
She did a fabulous job on my hair again. I asked her not to mention that I was moving to Scott. I knew it didn’t matter to him, but I just didn’t want him to know. It was like admitting he won, but if Beth was the prize, he could keep her. She said she would take it to the grave, after she told Jerry of course.
After the haircut she took me out to ice cream like I was five, but I didn’t care. For a moment I wanted to be five again, back when I thought boys were icky and life was simple. Darn those hormones and God for making men so attractive that our brains shut down. But I had learned my lesson, men are icky, too, and I was planning on staying on the other side of the playground from now on.
Tuesday I met with the realtor. We decided to list the property after the holidays. I wasn’t in a rush to sell. I would be staying in my parent’s guest house in the interim, so I could be patient. But as he walked through the home, he felt like if we priced it right, it would sell quickly. I signed a contract with him, gave him a key for the lockbox, and it was a done deal.
I still couldn’t believe I was finally going home. I probably should have right after the divorce was final, but no, I had to bring my neighbor dinner and then fall in love with him. I should have just stayed on my side of the wall. I thought I knew heartache after Peter, but this was no comparison. I literally felt like part of me was missing. I felt lost and alone. Every day I would get up and just say, “Put one foot i
n front of the other and breathe, rinse and repeat.” I just couldn’t believe after everything we had shared he could just throw it away and then tell me it never really existed. At least Peter never pretended we didn’t share a love once.
Speaking of Peter, he called me, and for some reason I answered. I think the no sleep was catching up to me and I was delirious. He was even more surprised I picked up. He wanted to tell me thank you. He had just watched Gia take her first steps, and he was happy he didn’t miss out on that and said it was because of me. It was a very bittersweet call for me. I was honestly happy he had stepped up to the plate, but it was painful to hear him talk of his daughter. Not that long ago I wanted to have our daughter. I don’t know why, but I told him I was moving back home.
“The beach always looked good on you, Ava. You don’t know how many times I wished I would have just taken that job in Mobile. Maybe things would have been different then.”
I couldn’t say, “me too”, because I didn’t love him like that anymore. I loved Scott.
“Yeah maybe, but we can’t go back,” I responded.
“Believe me, Ava, I wish we could. I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll always love you.”
“You’re right, I don’t believe you.”
He kind of laughed. “Ava, whether you believe it or not, I want you to know you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll always be sorry I ever let you go.”
“Goodnight, Peter,” was the only response I could think of.
“Ciao Bellissima.”
I guess I had gone full circle. That call felt like closure for both of us.
The two weeks went by so fast; I was so busy between packing, spending time with Myrna and Jerry, and tying up loose ends. I saw Scott a couple of times, but not a word was spoken. It killed me that this was how it would end for us. I just hoped home would help me heal.
Other Side of the Wall Page 11