“What?” he asked.
“I want … I want ….” I groaned in exasperation. “Oh, I don’t know. But it’s so close. I can feel it. I came here to make a difference. I am needed. Perhaps if I can review my notes.”
With my nose in my pages, I asked casually, “And what does the future hold for you, Captain?”
“I told you, I will return to my ship.”
“I see. You’ll sail ships with cutthroats and scoundrels until the end of your days? How lovely for you.”
His voice became as sharp as mine. “It certainly beats the alternative, doesn’t it? Considering what happened to my father when he decided to become a family man.”
“That was an unusual circumstance.”
“Every circumstance is unusual.”
“That’s no kind of argument!”
He closed his mouth and looked at me levelly, then deliberately turned and stared out at the water.
I watched his profile, his sloping nose, his wide angled cheek, his obstinate, stubborn chin. His face seemed closed off and indifferent as though nothing in the world bothered him. I grounded my teeth. “What are you clinging to? You don’t even like your profession. You detest the men you work with, the ocean, why not — ?”
“Why not what?” he asked sharply, his eyes glinting as he turned to me.
“Make a life more conducive to ….”
“To what, Rachel?” he inquired quickly. “You usually don’t struggle to find the right words.”
I glared at him. “You could make a living for yourself ashore, Mallory. Now, I know you feel inadequate, but there is no need to be afraid ….”
“Afraid?” he cried, now turning crimson. “Unbelievable. This coming from you?”
My brows came down. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ve been cowering your entire life. Burying yourself in books instead of living a life.”
“Mallory!”
“It’s true. Running away from everyone just like you tried running from your parents. Running and running until you drop into my ship out of the blue, arrogant and condescending, creating as much havoc as is humanly possible, then daring to lecture me on courage. Does your hubris know no bounds?”
I trembled. “You’ve no clue how much courage I have! You have no idea what I’ve faced down in pursuit of my beliefs. I’ve lost everything. My reputation, my job, my life. And all for nothing. To be dropped onto a ship full of pigs and barbarians. So forgive me, worthy Captain, if I condescend, as you call it, when I am full of information that none of you can imagine, and I am thwarted by the bigotry of a culture that leaves no room for genius if it is the wrong gender. Forgive me if I came to make a difference, to change the world. And I mean that. The world will never be the same again after I’m done, the ambit of our understanding will be changed forever. Newton, Galileo, Einstein fade to nothing in comparison. And I am unable to do any of it. All I’m left with are these filthy pages!” I crumpled the note I held in my hand and threw it into the choppy water below.
Moments passed, and there was silence, neither of us feeling prone to breaking it. Until I cried out, movement in the murky water catching my eye.
“What?” He sounded alarmed.
Gathering my wits, I responded snidely, “Never mind. It was nothing. After all, I wouldn’t want to sound like a coward, like I was hiding from life.”
He chuckled quietly but held his tongue.
I couldn’t help myself from glancing down into the murky water again. He must have followed my gaze because he said without much concern, “Oh, sharks.”
“Sharks?” I grimaced.
“We are near shore. They are common here.” He ran a hand down his cheek wearily, his fingers gripping the back of his neck momentarily before falling again to his side. When I leave here, when our time together is over, I think that’s how I will remember him: his strong face edged with fatigue and just a little bit of despair, the faint thought that his defeat is eminent, but he will fight until the last.
Those words Fredrick told me still rang in my ears, and I couldn’t dismiss them: “Significant things can disappear very quickly.”
My eyes dropped to his belt buckle.
“You said you only wore that with particular clothing.”
“And particular people. I grew up wearing this buckle. I guess I picked it up without thinking.”
“How strange,” I murmured thoughtfully after a quiet moment. “A date and time. I’d forgotten about it. I hadn’t copied it down in my notes. Why would there be …?”
I gasped and stooped to examine it, as I had done all those weeks ago. Unlike before, however, he simply held me at arm’s distance instead of ripping it off him and throwing it to me.
“What now?”
My eyes rose to meet his. “The date and time,” I exclaimed. “I’d discounted it before. But it’s low tide,” I said slowly, shaking my head. “The area is full of guyots –volcanic mountains submerged under the ocean.” I stood and was silent for a moment, thinking feverishly.
“Captain! It wasn’t the island after all. It’s the guyot next to the island that’s important. Just due west. When this map was drawn, the mountain must have had areas that broke the water’s surface, but I see that now it must be completely submerged. The tops of guyots are flattened out by ocean forces. So that’s why we didn’t see it when we were there. I’m sure of it.”
“What on earth do you mean?”
“The summit will only appear now at low tide. Don’t you see? It’s where the treasure really is. I sent the pirates to the wrong place!”
“You sent them to the wrong place?” He clutched my shoulders in a fierce, painful grip and stared down at me in dismay.
And then his eyes went over my head, and he froze.
I turned and saw the Thrasher in the distance, coming for us … coming for me.
Chapter Sixteen
Notes: Death and chaos. We are all lost. What have I done? What have I done?
“Pirates” screamed a voice above us.
The ship leaped into action, men emerging from below.
“All hands above deck! The wind’s perfect, she’ll carry every sail we’ve got!”
“Prepare yer battle stations,” Fredrick shouted, almost with glee. His voice was guttural, his words vernacular, no longer refined. “If they want a fight, we’ll give it to ‘em, maties!”
Mallory took me by the arm and dragged me to my cabin. “Stay here,” he said, his voice as tight as his grip.
“But Captain, I ….”
But he was already gone, the door slammed behind him.
All alone, I stood in the middle of my room, my hands balled into fists at my sides. “Stay calm. Stay calm,” I tried to will myself, trying to conquer the terror that seized me, but to no avail. My heart raced and my hands trembled. All I could see was that dark cage again, waiting for me.
I stepped back and dropped onto the bed, all the while hearing the battle cries and preparation. The room began to fade away.
The door opened, and suddenly Mallory was kneeling beside me. A voice far away told me to breathe deeply, and I obeyed it. The room slowly came into focus again. I looked at him, his face level with mine.
“You have to be brave, Rachel,” he told me. “You can do this. You can do it!” He took me by the shoulders and shook me.
I wordlessly nodded, and I could feel some of the color come back into my face.
“We’ll make for shore,” he told me. “There’s still a chance we can outrun them. The wind is good, and the Thrasher is still a distance off. They won’t pursue us beyond shore. If we can get to port, and get you into a longboat and to land, then we can make it, you understand? You need to listen!”
“Then I don’t have to go back?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
“No,” he answered with some gentleness. “Do you think there’s a man on board who would give you up without a fight?”
“You came to get m
e knowing this could happen, didn’t you?” I asked, looking into his dark, weary eyes. “You came to help me, knowing that it could mean … that if you battled, you might ….”
He looked at me, an expression of tenderness on his face that I’d seen before but didn’t know it for what it was. “I would count it worthwhile.”
“Oh, don’t say that! I’m not worth all this, don’t you see? I couldn’t bear it if there was destruction and death just for me. Perhaps I should … it would be best if you just gave me up ….”
The captain didn’t let me finish. He took my face in his hands and sharply told me not to talk nonsense.
He pulled me to a stand. “Where are we going?” I asked as he led me to the door.
“We need to eat.”
“You can’t be serious. Try to eat at a time like this?”
He pulled on my arm forcibly. “We need to eat,” he repeated firmly. “They are still hours from us. We need to keep up our strength, and not tire ourselves out with worry and concern. So do as you’re told and come along.”
Many men were already below deck eating, and if I thought they would be silent and concerned over the danger that loomed closely in the distance, I was mistaken. They were as jocular and jovial as usual. In fact, more so. They called the enemy every vulgar and disparaging name in the world and predicted their brave acts and the opponent’s cowardly defeat.
And if I thought they might harbor some ill will towards the woman responsible for their danger, I would have been wrong in that, too. The men stood as I entered, food was gathered for me in alacrity, and every comment directed at me was unfailingly gentle and kind.
There were two … well, perhaps three exceptions to this. The first was young Duncan, who was uncharacteristically quiet and withdrawn. And once when he raised his cup, I saw his hand tremble.
The second, of course, was my good friend Finley, who could always be counted on in situations like this. He was nowhere to be seen.
The third was Mallory, who, while not perhaps uncharacteristically quiet, was tense and rigid as he sat next to me, and he often touched my hand, as though to assure himself that I was, indeed, still next to him. And once, he ran his hand up and down my back, which was something he never had done before.
Captain Fredrick pulled me aside as I rose to leave. He took my hand and kissed it, knowing perhaps it would be a last chance to say goodbye. But just as my stomach sank at the implication, he said grandly, “In return for the impending valor to be performed in your name, the likes of which the world has never seen, I believe you might make adequate repayment in the promise that you shall name every one of your children after us. The eldest son, of course, shall bear my humble name. Mallory shall have to wait for number two. If you have a girl, do not fear, you may aptly name her ‘Duncan’ with little embarrassment.” There was laughter. “Of course, it means you must bear fruit seventy-five times. But if you’re a woman of honor, and if you adore Mallory as much as he assures me you do, you will deem it worthwhile.”
The men laughed again, and even I managed to smile. With one flowery speech he had implied I would live to have children, Mallory’s children, and there was no reason to be afraid. And I loved him for it. And with that, Fredrick waved me away, dismissing me with a parting reminder to take good records for progeny.
Mallory took me back to my cabin. Once inside, he removed a key from his jacket pocket and showed me how to lock my door. He spoke quietly and evenly, and when he gave the key to me, he watched me lock the door myself so that he could be sure I knew how to do it.
Wordlessly he walked to my window that looked out over the deck. There was silence, and my hands were shaking so much it was difficult to put the key into my pocket.
He closed the shutters and locked them. “Rachel,” he said without turning, “I need to leave you now.” He spoke evenly, just like before.
I sat down on the bed.
The captain came to me, sitting down beside me. “I need to go. I must help the others. Do not leave the safety of this cabin. Ever. No matter what you see or hear. Do you understand me?”
“I … I won’t open the door for anyone but you.” I promised.
He breathed out through his lips. “Rachel, you need to ….” He looked down, not meeting my eyes. “You need to be prepared. We are not going to outrun them. We can’t. You must stay strong, no matter what happens … to me,” he cleared his throat, “… to any of us.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have to prepare yourself ….”
My self control snapped, and I covered my ears with my hands.
“No. Don’t.” He gripped my hands and drew them back down. I think that was the worst moment of all: the moment I knew that things were as dire as I was afraid they were. The captain knew our chances were not good. We were outmanned, outgunned, and as he’d said before, it would be suicide to face them in open battle.
“You have to be prepared!”
“But Fredrick said … he made it sound like it wasn’t hopeless.”
“And so it may not be. But ….”
Wordlessly he released me, and from his jacket he slowly, methodically withdrew a pistol. My heart fell with a sickening thud at the sight of it, cold and wicked and mocking. He cocked it, and then gingerly put it on the bed between us.
“That is for me?” I asked, looking at it.
He nodded, looking at me, a miserable expression behind his eyes. He was trying to say something, trying to get me to understand.
I thought of his father and mother, and how his worst nightmare might possibly be coming true once more. Suddenly the gun blurred through my tears. I put my hands to my mouth and mumbled, “No, no, no …” Then I leapt to my feet and flew to the door.
He caught me easily and forced me down into a chair. His hands were like vices as he pressed me into the unforgiving wood, and I fought him.
“No, Mallory! Don’t.” I sobbed.
“Stop it, Rachel.”
“Don’t shoot me! Please! There’s still hope.”
“Confound it. Stop squirming. I’m not going to shoot you, you fool. Would I show you the pistol and cock it in front of you if I was going to shoot you?”
I stilled, his arms like steel bands around me. “Then what …?”
“It’s just a precaution. For heaven’s sake, use your head. What’s happened to you?”
He released me carefully, and then, seeing I was not going to run away again, he rose and went to the bed where the gun lay.
He didn’t insist that I take it. He simply gestured to it and said, “There’s one shot. It’s cocked and ready to go. If things go bad, if the worst happens, simply … put it in your mouth and pull the trigger. It’s the surest way and it’ll be very quick.”
I was silent, the meager hope that had briefly budded dying again in anguish.
He turned to me. “Rachel? Tell me you understand,” he demanded. “And that you’ll be very discerning with this. I couldn’t bear it if you became afraid and used it too quickly … or not soon enough.”
“You can’t ask me to do this,” I whispered.
“It’s just a precaution, in case ….”
“In case what?” I demanded. “In case they win and there’s no one to stop them? In case you’re killed? Murdered before my eyes while trying to save me? Me, who doesn’t even belong here. Should never have been here. To keep them from taking me back to that ship again, with the dark cells and the chair with slimy r-ropes ….”
“Stop it!” he cried, striding to me. Taking me by the shoulders, he painfully shook me. “How can I leave you like this? How can I go out there and fight knowing that you’re falling apart?”
“Mallory, I ….”
“I would die in vain if you had no way out. Don’t you see?”
I looked up. He stared down at me with those unusual brown eyes, just as he’d done countless times before, looking down at me with compassion and fatigue.
Forcing back all the scre
aming torment, I willed myself to meet his eyes. I licked my dry lips and nodded. “I’ll be wise, Mallory,” I said steadily, forcing myself to stop trembling, “You can trust me.” It seemed to be the greatest gift I could give him.
He reached out and touched the side of my face with his palm. With care he ran his fingers down the length of my loose hair, looking at me intensely as though memorizing my face.
“Thank you.” He seemed almost calm now.
There was another shout from outside. And to my astonishment, without another word, the captain caught me close and kissed me, his lips hot and dry and frantic, his hands in those few seconds clinging, his breath coming in short, quick succession. And then, as abruptly as it started, it was over and he was suddenly gone. I stared after him in numb amazement.
*** *** ***
Shouts and the sounds of men’s boots running on deck, cannons being rolled into position, pistols loaded, and I felt the momentum of the ship turning into position to face our pursuers. Captain Fredrick’s voice could be heard high above, as though he climbed the mast to the top. “Looper! Come and get us, ye scurvy dog. A battle thirty years in the making, ye lily livered, scallywaggin’ son of a bilge rat.”
I pictured him up there, shaking his fist, a look of fire in his eye. If he had been born three hundred years later, he would have been jumping out of planes and climbing mountains, a true adrenalin addict.
I went to my desk and withdrew my notes with unsteady hands. I laid them out before me in conscientious order, just as I had done on my dormitory desk at home, and unbidden a picture flashed before me of my little room, my copious notes, my computer screen flicking in the dim light when I worked late into the night.
My eyes fell on a page.
I had a dream once that I flew. How childish those words sounded now.
I thought of that dream, soaring as I had above the clouds, experiencing the first hint of joy in my life. I had never known it had existed until that dream. But I have felt it since. Oh, how I’ve felt it since. I thought of the captain’s face when he appeared next to me in that awful cage. How he pulled me close, his warm breath on my face as he kissed me fiercely, his hands sending through me a feeling of energy almost like electricity. The surge of emotion that filled me then was almost excruciating. That was joy.
The Dreamer (The Fall Series) Page 15