by Robin Hobb
And she wasn’t sure I was worth it. Nevare the Gernian was inclined to bow his head to that and watch her walk away, without too many regrets. I had once believed that Olikea was genuinely infatuated with me, to the point of feeling guilty that her feelings were so much deeper than my own. To hear that Firada believed Olikea cared for me only as a way to gain power put everything in a very different light. I was not a prize bull to be groomed and exhibited as a possession. I still had my pride.
But the Speck part of me perceived things from a very different angle. A Great Man not only needed a feeder, he was entitled to one. I was a Great Man of the Specks, and Olikea’s kin-clan should have felt honored that I had chosen to live among them. For Olikea to decide that she did not relish her duty was a grave insult to me as well as a threat to my well-being. Anger upwelled in me, an anger founded deep in a Speck awareness of the affront to me. Was I not a Great One? Had not I given up everything to become a vessel for the magic? What right had she to begrudge me the assistance that most would have found an honor?
A peculiar tingling ran over me from head to foot, not unlike the pins-and-needles sensation of a limb that has been still too long. From somewhere in me, Soldier’s Boy summoned strength and sat me up. My Speck self, so long subjugated by my Gernian identity, looked around with disdain. Then, as if he were pulling off a sweaty shirt, he peeled himself free of me. In that instant, he separated us and I, Nevare the Gernian, abruptly became a bystander observing my own life. He looked down at his wasted body, at the empty folds of skin where once a wealth of magic had been stored. I felt his disgust with me. Nevare had wasted his magic, wasted it in a temporary solution that saved no one and nothing. He lifted the empty ripples of belly skin and then let them fall with a small groan of dismay. All the magic he had stolen from the Plainsfolk at the Dancing Spindle, all the magic he had acquired since then and painstakingly hoarded, gone! All of it foolishly squandered in a vain show of power. A fortune had been traded for trinkets. He lifted the folds of his depleted belly and then let them fall again. Tears of rage stung his eyes, followed by a flush of shame. He had been immense with magic, full of power, and stupidity had wasted it all. He gritted his teeth at his diminished status. He looked like a starved man, a weakling who could not even provide for himself, let alone shelter his kin-clan. That wastrel Nevare knew nothing of being a Great Man, nothing of magic. He had not even chosen his feeder well, but had simply accepted the first woman who offered herself. That, at least, could be quickly mended. He lifted his eyes to stare sternly at Olikea.
“You are not my feeder.”
Olikea, Jodoli, and Firada were staring at him in amazement, the sort of amazement that would be roused by a stone speaking. Olikea’s mouth opened in shock and a parade of emotions passed over her face. Insult, shock, regret, and anger all vied to dominate her features.
As Nevare, I watched the drama unfold before me as an audience rather than a participant. I could hear and see, but I could not speak or control the body I inhabited. I was aware of his thoughts. Could I influence them? I could not find in myself the ambition to try. My Speck self’s devastation at how I had wasted our magic drained me of purpose. Let him deal with the unreasonable demands of the magic and see if he could do any better!
I watched with sour amusement as Olikea tried to master her face. She strained to look concerned rather than insulted. Olikea had never heard this man speak to her in such tones before. It angered her, but she tried for a calm voice. “But, Soldier’s Boy, you are weak. You need—”
“I need food!” he snapped. “Not useless talk and whining complaints. Food. A true feeder would have seen to my needs first and saved rebukes and complaints for later.” Within the wasted body, I moved like a shadow behind Soldier’s Boy. My Speck self submerged me in his interpretation of the world. I surrendered and became still. Olikea glanced sideways at her sister and Jodoli. She hated being humiliated before them. She squared her shoulders and tried a firm and motherly approach. “You are hungry and weak. Look at what you have done to yourself. Now is no time to be difficult, Soldier’s Boy. Stop saying silly things and let me tend to you. You are not yourself right now.”
I smiled in harmony with Soldier’s Boy. She had no idea how correct she was.
At that moment, I became aware of a scent on the air, the smell of something essential. He turned toward it, forgetting Olikea. The small sunburned boy was returning with a basket full of berries. He was hurrying, his round cheeks joggling as he trotted up to me. “I’ve brought you the berries,” he called as he hastened up. His eyes met mine. I think he suddenly realized that it was unexpected for me to be awake. His blue eyes reflected a child’s horror at how wasted my body was. Then, as quickly, horror was replaced with sympathy. He thrust the basket at me. “Eat them! Eat them quickly!” In his haste, the basket tipped and a few berries bounded out of it to rest on the moss like scattered jewels.
“Clumsy boy! Give those to me! They are for the Great One,” Olikea told him sharply.
The youngster simultaneously cringed and pushed the basket toward her. As Olikea dropped her hand to take the basket, Jodoli looked away; Firada scowled. “No,” Soldier’s Boy said firmly.
“But you must eat these, Soldier’s Boy.” Olikea’s manner had changed in an instant. From being stern with the boy she went to cajoling me. “They are what you need to regain your strength. Once you have strength back, we can begin to replenish your magic. But first, you must eat these.”
The smell of the berries reached his nostrils, piquant and tempting. He shivered with want. He clasped his hands together to keep from snatching at them. “No. I take nothing from you. The boy brought the gift to me. Let him present it to me. The honor of serving a Great Man is his.”
Nevare would have blushed to say such words. Nevare would never have claimed such importance for himself. But this was not Nevare, no matter how I might think of him in terms of “I” and “me.” This was someone else, and I was only his silent shadow.
Olikea caught her breath. Her eyes narrowed and I thought she would challenge his words. Instead, she stood abruptly, turned on her heel and stalked away. Jodoli and Firada stared after her, but the boy’s full attention was on me. Awed by the honor, he dropped to his knees, the basket cradled in both his hands, and then walked on his knees toward me. The closer he came, the more compelling the smell of the food became. Soldier’s Boy did not take the basket from him, but dipped both hands in to fill them with berries and then raised the cupped berries to his mouth. In a very short time, the basket was empty. As Soldier’s Boy heaved a sigh of satisfaction, the boy’s face shone. He leapt to his feet, then seemed to recall he was in my presence and dropped back to his knees. On his knees, he again backed away from the forest mage and then once more rocketed onto his feet. “I know where there are yellow mushrooms,” he exclaimed, and before Soldier’s Boy could respond, he spun about and dashed off.
My Speck self looked around. I had expected to find myself in a Speck village, but there were no shelters, no cook fires, nothing to indicate that we were anywhere except in the wild heart of the mountain forest. “Where is everyone?” I heard Soldier’s Boy ask, and realized the stupidity of his question. He took a breath. “Jodoli. How did I come to be here?”
Jodoli looked uncomfortable but spoke bluntly. “You overspent your magic and fell, dying, near the end of the intruders’ road. One of the ancestor trees was shamed to see a Great Man perish so, untended and without a tree to take him in. He used what life was left to him to start the whispering. And Lisana, your sponsor, added her strength to make it a command. I was summoned, as was Olikea. Firada came with me to tend me. And Olikea brought Likari to run and fetch for her.
“It was Olikea’s duty to bring you back into the shade, for you had fallen in full sunlight. She and Likari were burned bringing you to safety, for even depleted, you were a heavy load for them to shift, and there was no time for them to weave shade-cloaks for themselves. Once you were beneath
the shelter of the trees, Firada was able to help them. We brought you here, well away from the brightness. And Olikea set about doing what she could to revive you. I am surprised that you are restored even this much. Never have I seen a Great One so depleted.”
“It was a foolish waste,” Soldier’s Boy growled. He leaned back on the moss and looked up at the fragments of sky that showed through the dense canopy overhead. “All that magic consumed by futility. What I did may delay their cutting of the trees, but it will not stop it. And while it may frighten them or puzzle them, I fear that it will only set their minds to working on how they can overcome it rather than make them give up their plan. I know the task of ridding our land of the intruders is mine; but I do not know how I am to accomplish it. That still eludes me.”
“The magic does not give a man a task unless there is a way to do it,” Jodoli said comfortingly. The words had the rhythm of an old saw.
“Perhaps. But always I have been told that when you are on the right path, the magic lights the way and makes all clear. That has not happened with me, Jodoli. I am blind in the darkness, feeling my way through a task that does not seem to have a solution.” It was strange to hear my voice without consciously deciding to speak. Very strange, and a tingle of dread ran along my nerves.
Jodoli looked acutely uncomfortable that Soldier’s Boy had confided his deficiency to him. I knew that Great Men seldom became close friends; they might be allies or more likely rivals. Power was to be shepherded for one’s own use, for the good of one’s kin-clan. To admit to him that all my vast magic had been spent to no avail embarrassed Jodoli on my behalf. Soldier’s Boy knew there was no point in withholding that information from him. Perhaps he had some inkling of a solution to our woes.
But if he had or did, he did not share it then. “In time, the magic will reveal your task, I am sure,” he said. He gave a sideways glance at Firada, and for the first time I noticed how shocked she was. The Great Ones did not admit ignorance, I suddenly knew. That Soldier’s Boy had done so frightened her; the Specks looked to their Great Ones for leadership and guidance. Was not the magic of the forest in them, showing them what they must do? For me to admit that I felt no such inspiration from the magic frightened her. What if not even the magic could halt the flow of the intruders? What if even the Great Ones of the Specks could not save them? I regretted my words.
“I am sure it will. I am only tired and discouraged, and thus spoke as I did.”
“Of course. Eat and restore yourself and all will be well.”
Soldier’s Boy shook my head ruefully. “It will be days before I have restored even a third of my bulk, and months before I can amass that much magic again. It was a terrible waste.”
“Why did you do it?” Jodoli asked.
Soldier’s Boy shook his head mutely. It was already a mistake to have confided in Jodoli as much as he had. If he told Firada and Jodoli that the ignorant Gernian part of him had done it, it would only confuse them. Possibly it would turn them against him. He could not let that happen. I was beginning to suspect that if he were to accomplish his task, it would require all the support he could muster. And all the strength.
A wave of hunger washed through him again, and he was suddenly aware of a terrible thirst. “Is there more water?” he asked.
“In that skin there, perhaps,” Jodoli said stiffly. He gestured at it, but did not move to pass it to me. I sensed another misstep on Soldier’s Boy’s part. Jodoli was not his feeder, to see to his basic needs. Firada stood motionless at his side, well aware that it was not her place to offer him anything. He heaved our body to a sitting position and managed to reach the water skin. It was not full but there was some in it. He drank it down and then asked plaintively, “Where is that boy? What is his name again?”
“Likari,” Firada said. “My nephew’s name is Likari.”
The water had helped but it was still difficult to keep his thoughts fixed on anything but his hunger. “Your nephew. I thought perhaps he was a younger brother.”
“No. He is my nephew. Olikea’s son.”
I tried to keep the dismay from my face. “I did not know she was married.” I had to slip into Gernian to find the word I needed.
Firada looked puzzled. There was no such concept in Speck society. Nevare’s guilt for sharing sex with a married woman had briefly spilled over into my Speck self. “What is this ‘married’?” Firada asked. She spoke the word as if it might indicate a disease.
“A word from another place and time,” Soldier’s Boy said airily. I sensed his discomfort that I’d been able to influence his thoughts and words. “It means that she is devoted to a man. Dedicated enough to bear his child.”
Firada wrinkled her brow. “I do not remember who fathered Likari. Olikea probably knows. She was barely a woman when she decided to have him, and quickly wearied of caring for him. She only pays attention to him when he can be useful to her.”
Nevare’s outrage at such a thing collided with Soldier’s Boy’s sense that it did not matter that much. The child belonged to his kin-clan. He would be cared for even if his own mother did not assume a major role in his life. It took a few moments for my inner turmoil to subside. Had Soldier’s Boy felt the same frustration that I now felt when Nevare had been in charge of my life? I suspected it was so. The Gernian part of me was suspended now, able to think and judge but not to take action. I now knew I could influence Soldier’s Boy’s thoughts, but not control his actions. The best I could do was make that other self thoughtful and force him to compare the two different worlds that had created this duality.
He had been silent too long. Both Firada and Jodoli were looking at him oddly. “I suppose that I acted hastily in sending Olikea away. Perhaps the boy will tend me now until I can select someone who is better qualified.”
Jodoli glanced aside from me and puffed out his lips in the Speck gesture for “no.” Still not looking at me, he suggested, “Perhaps you are braver than I would be, taking on such a young feeder who is untrained. He will know some of the foods you must have, and Likari is clever enough to quickly learn his duties. But there will be some ways in which your comforts will be lacking. Unless you seek comfort of a different sort.”
His words were oblique but I took his meaning. Nevare was affronted. Soldier’s Boy answered bluntly. “I have sent Olikea away. If she does not care for this child, why would I give her another one? And depleted as I am, I think it will be some time before I desire a woman. Chiefly what I need now is food, drink, and rest. The first two the boy can provide for me, and the last I will take on my own.”
“But you cannot rest. Not yet.” Jodoli was emphatic.
“Why not?”
“Because it is time to journey. Our kin-clan was well on our way up into the mountains when the summons reached me that we must return to save you. It is the time of the traveling. You cannot linger here. The snows will catch you long before you reach the Wintering Place if you do.”
Firada spoke up, stating plainly what Jodoli had skirted. “It is only by Jodoli’s magic that you are alive. He used much of his reserves to bring us here to you swiftly. But for his intervention, you would still be baking in the sun while Olikea and Likari journeyed back to the Vale of the Ancestor Trees.”
“I owe a debt of food and thanks to Jodoli.” Soldier’s Boy acknowledged the obligation.
Firada pursed her lips in disapproval. “And with such a young and inexperienced feeder, I do not see how you are going to pay it. Likari will be strained to provide enough for you. He is a good boy, but young. How will he gather enough to pay back to Jodoli what was spent on your behalf?”
Jodoli looked aside. It was beneath a Great Man to fuss over such trifles. If he had demanded to be paid back, it might seem that he was not powerful enough to shrug off such an expenditure of magic. But it was the duty of his feeder to keep track of such things and be sure that other folk not only recognized their debts to the Great One in their midst but paid back such debts with appr
opriate foods. Firada stood her ground squarely, even though it was awkward for her to confront a Great One in such a way. The foolish expenditure of my magic had cost me much in status as well as power. My size had been sufficient reason for folk to respect me. Diminishing and stupidly endangering myself had undermined my standing with Olikea’s kin-clan. My position, I suddenly saw, was precarious. The kin-clan already had a Great One. Supporting him and gathering the foods requisite to keep his power fed was already their burden. Having seen my poor judgment, they might think supporting a second Great One a poor bargain.
Soldier’s Boy drew in breath, well aware that puffing his lungs with air was a poor substitute for a good show of fat. I probably looked ridiculous, a bony man covered in sagging skin trying to invoke the dignity and power of a properly fed Great One. Nevertheless, he maintained his bluff.
“It will be paid back. Be assured of that. I am not a man to be chary of paying his debts. It will be paid back, and when I regain my size, if Jodoli is ever in need in any way, he will know that he can count on me to return the favor.”
That raised her brows. Great Ones were usually rivals and often bitter ones. To offer a favor and possibly an alliance was unheard of among the Specks. I could almost see her weighing the benefits. What power could be controlled by one kin-clan that supported an alliance of two Great Ones? Had such a thing ever been?
She turned to look at Jodoli. Something passed between them in that long look. Jodoli inclined his head slowly toward me. “I will take you at your word. You need not trouble to pay back what I expended just yet. For now, Likari will have to do his utmost to keep you fed enough to travel swiftly. After you reach the Wintering Place will be soon enough for you to redeem your debts to us.”