“Just perfect, dear. I was calling to get some ideas from you about what kinds of foods you like and if there is anything special you want us to have here while you visit.”
I laughed. “I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. I mean, I would love to come and visit you, but I didn’t know I was.”
She paused. “Oh … Well I guess I thought Ryan would have asked you by now. I told him before I left there that I wanted you to come with him and Josh for Christmas.”
My heart hurt, and it was beating wildly out of control. “I guess this is awkward. Ryan hasn’t mentioned anything.”
“I’m sure he will,” she said without any confidence.
“It’s ok.”
“No, it’s not. I need to have a talk with my son.”
“Oh … please don’t.”
Before his mother could respond, the pig showed up at my door, all smiles. “Hey, Charlee …”
“Can I call you back? Your son is here.”
Ryan’s smile faded as I glared at him and he realized who I was talking to.
“Don’t go easy on him,” she said before I hung up.
“That was your mom.”
He shut my door and approached me cautiously.
“She was asking me what kinds of things I liked, you know, for our trip there during Christmas.”
He stepped closer and sat at the edge of my desk. He looked like a kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “It’s not what you think. I was going to ask you, but Victoria has never been away from Josh on Christmas and it’s difficult for her and she asked if maybe she could come and …”
“And you told her no, right?”
“I told her … I would think about it. It’s not like we would stay together. She would get a hotel room.”
I shook my head. “Do you hear how ridiculous this sounds? I can’t do this anymore.”
He reached out to touch me. I scooted my chair back and away from him.
“Don’t do this, Charlee. I want to talk to you about this, but I have an important meeting in ten minutes. I was coming to ask you if you could get Josh for me,” he said sheepishly. “His school is closing early because of the winter weather they’re predicting, and Victoria’s driving back from Denver and won’t make it back in time.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine.” I stood up.
“As soon as my meeting’s over, I’ll come home and we’ll talk.”
I ignored him and grabbed my purse and coat.
He embraced me, but I stayed stiff. “Be careful. I’ll see you soon. And we’ll work all this out. I promise.” I felt him kiss the top of my head.
I almost sucker punched him before I walked off, ignoring him.
I stomped to my car; it was just starting to snow. I wrapped my coat tightly around myself and willed myself not to cry. I did not cry over men, especially stupid ones.
On my drive over to Josh’s preschool, I kept running through my head all the things I wanted to say to Ryan later. First on my list was how blind he was to Victoria’s manipulation. She said jump, and he asked how high.
The roads were decent on my twenty minute drive over to the school, but the snow was increasing and it was cold enough to stick. I just hoped they wouldn’t get too bad before we got home.
Josh was excited to see me; it was the highlight of my day seeing him running toward me and wrapping his arms around my legs. It made my heart ache, though. Ending things with Ryan meant not having Josh in my life, and I’ll admit I had been picturing myself being in his life forever. I thought maybe we could trade Cherry in for mom one day, even though I knew his mom would hate it. Don’t cry, I told myself.
“Are you ready to go home, big guy?” I asked as I bent down and helped him with his coat and gloves.
“Yes.” He nodded that cute head of his.
I realized how much he had grown since the summer. His cheeks weren’t as chubby anymore and he had gotten taller. I kissed his smooth cheek before I stood up and took his hand. We braved the cold and snow and wind that had picked up. It was almost white-out conditions. I carefully buckled Josh into the high-back booster seat I had been keeping in my car. Krissy had made fun of me, telling me I was such a mom. I wouldn’t mind being one, honestly. I couldn’t imagine loving a kid more than Josh.
“Will you make pspaghetti tonight?” Josh asked from the back seat as I carefully exited the school parking lot.
I smiled. I loved how he still said words wrong. He did that less and less now. I was going to miss it when he started speaking correctly all the time. “Yep. Will you help me?”
“Yes,” he said like it was obvious. He loved helping us cook, even if was just something simple like stirring. Us, I sighed. I didn’t know if after tonight there would be an us.
The roads were getting slick, and fast; it was also getting harder to see. The school was only ten minutes from both of our homes, but everyone was driving at a snail’s pace, which was good. I was a ball of nerves as we drove. I hated driving in this kind of weather. Josh, on the other hand, was enjoying himself. He was singing “Frosty the Snowman” in the backseat. He was missing half the words, but I liked it that way.
Halfway home, I slid just a tad stopping for a red light. The car jerked a little, but it was ok. I took a deep breath. Only a couple of more miles I told myself.
“Fire truck,” Josh pointed out.
I looked over to see the newly built Fire Station. I bet they were going to be busy today with accidents. No sooner had I thought it, than I looked in my rearview mirror to see a car behind me that was going a little too fast for the conditions. It was like slow motion, although it happened so fast. They tried to brake, and they lost control. I braced myself, which probably wasn’t the best thing, but it all happened so fast and all I could think of was Josh. I called his name just as the car hit the back of my car, sending my car into the back of the truck in front of me.
“Cherry!” Josh cried out.
My airbag didn’t deploy, though it should have, and I hit my head on the steering wheel. “It’s ok, it’s ok,” I said after the shock wore off, like I was willing it to be that way. As soon as everything came to a halt, I whipped around to look at Josh who was crying, but he looked ok. I reached back and took his hand. “It’s ok, honey. Everything’s ok.”
The driver of the truck came out and nicely checked on us. I didn’t think it was safe for him to be out of his vehicle. “We’re all right,” I told him through a crack in my window. I wasn’t rolling it all the way down for him. I didn’t know who he was, and I kept thinking, Keep Josh safe. I didn’t even unbuckle him. “Stay put, honey.”
Thankfully, we were conveniently in front of the fire station. I saw lights flashing, and they made the short trip across the street. That at least got Josh to calm down.
“Are you hurt, honey?” I asked him.
He shook his sweet head no.
I felt sore, especially my neck, but I was ok, too.
Within a minute, I had a fireman at my door, opening it up. When they realized Josh was in the back, another one came our way. They both checked us over and cleared us to be moved. My car was not so lucky. It was in bad shape, but it kept us safe, so I wasn’t going to complain.
What was a scary experience for Josh quickly turned into his dream. We were going to get to wait at the Fire Station.
As we sat wrapped up in a blanket, with Josh on my lap in their common area, I finally had the chance to call Ryan.
I didn’t even get to say hello. “I’ve been worried, are you guys ok?” Ryan said right away.
“We’re fine, a car plowed into me, but Josh is perfectly fine,” I said quickly.
“Where are you?”
“We’re at the new fire station on Balch. Josh is in heaven.”
“Ok. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Please be careful.”
I called my dad next. He was ready to call out the cavalry to rescue us. I told him there was no need, Ryan was on
his way. Besides, Josh was ready to move into the fire house. The firemen were making him balloon animals, and they gave him a toy fire hat. He was set for life.
I watched from the window as they towed my Jetta away. I loved that car. I hoped it could be repaired, but it looked bad. I also watched as my least favorite person arrived before her ex-husband. I wasn’t counting on that. I figured Ryan would call her, but I didn’t expect her to show up, and first at that.
She tore across the parking lot like she was on a mission. She threw open the station doors and honed in on Josh. She was to him in two seconds flat. She wrapped him up and began to bawl. Trey, the fireman and Josh’s entertainment, tried to tell her he was perfectly fine, but she was inconsolable. That was, she was until she turned her sights on me. Through her hysterical crying she went off on me. “You will never see Josh again. I knew something like this would happen with you.”
I stood there, dumbfounded.
“Ma’am,” Trey said politely. “The accident wasn’t her fault.”
“I don’t care whose fault it was.” She pulled Josh tighter to her.
I heard Josh say, “Mommy, Cherry took care of me.”
She didn’t care.
I was at a loss for words, but the next scene was worse in comparison. Within a minute Ryan was there. We all looked his way as he strode across the entrance to the common area.
Victoria was still crying as she set Josh down. Ryan looked between me and her, and he looked torn, even pained as to what he should do. In the end, he didn’t choose me. He took Victoria up in his arms where she cried and cried, and in between that, she cursed me.
I watched him tenderly try to quiet her for just a moment before I walked away to the front. I stood by the window, and the tears that had been desperate to fall were finally shed. The words the old man spoke to me at the street fair over the summer rang in my head. “You know how to tell if a man is in love. He will look at you like you hold the moon and the stars in your eyes.” That was how Ryan looked at Victoria. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees because I was blinded by love, a misplaced love.
I grabbed my phone and called my dad. I wasn’t going anywhere with Ryan. “Dad, can you come and get me?”
“Yes, of course. Did something happen to Ryan?” he asked worriedly.
“No, he’s fine. He’s here. I just don’t want to go home with him.”
“Honey, what happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“Ok, baby girl. Hang tight.”
Ryan, Victoria, and Josh all came walking up toward the entrance.
I looked at the little family and tried to hide my tears.
“Josh is going to go home with Victoria tonight. I’m going to walk them out and I’ll be right back,” Ryan said to me.
I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. My dad’s coming to get me.”
Ryan stopped in his tracks with confused eyes. He walked my way, leaving Victoria and Josh at the door. “Charlee, what’s wrong?” he said as he reached up to touch my tear stained cheek.
I turned so he couldn’t touch me. “The fact you have to ask speaks volumes. Just go, your family’s waiting for you.”
His eyes went from confused to worried. “I’ll be right back.”
I turned from him and sat down in one of the chairs near the window. I heard Josh call out to me, saying bye. I couldn’t say it back. I felt like every part of my body hurt. I had this horrible hollow feeling in my chest.
“Are you ok, ma’am?” Trey asked as he approached me, handing me a tissue.
I reached up and took the tissue. “Thank you. I’ll be fine.” I always was.
Ryan returned quickly, and Trey took his leave, but not before giving me a sympathetic look.
“I told you my dad was coming.”
He sat next to me and tried to take my hand, but I wasn’t having it. “Charlee, please let me take you home.”
I shook my head no. “I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said.”
Ryan looked around at the few firemen and others that had been stranded by the accident. “Can we please have this conversation elsewhere?” he said quietly.
“There’s nothing left to say.”
“I don’t understand. Please come to D.C. with me and Josh, ok?”
“That’s the problem. You don’t understand. You don’t really want me to come. You don’t really want me.”
“Charlee, that’s not true. Please, I’m trying here. I don’t want to lose you.”
I couldn’t believe it. “You made your choice today. I saw it in your eyes and in your actions. So take Victoria to D.C. and put your family back together,” I choked out.
“Charlee …”
I looked into his beautiful green eyes once more before kissing his cheek softly. “I love you, Ryan Carter. I hope you’ll be happy.”
He looked at me with wide eyes and touched his cheek where my lips had just left a slight lipstick stain.
I stood up stoically and walked over to the window and watched the snow fall gently to the ground. In the midst of the snowflakes, I watched Ryan walk out of my life.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I cried that night like I hadn’t in recent memory. My dad held me on the couch and was smart enough not to really say anything. Nothing he could say would make it better. The only thing he offered me was the ability to work from home, and I gladly accepted. The thought of having to see Ryan every day was more than I could handle at the moment.
I felt stupid, like the teenage girl that dyed her hair red so that a certain someone would notice, but he never did. Even when we were together, I’m not sure if he did.
Breaking up with the person you love really puts a damper on the whole holiday season. Not like they had been real cheerful for me in recent years, but I had hoped that perhaps this year would be different. No … it sucked worse than ever.
That first weekend I practically lived on the couch, and my dad and Felicity basically took turns comforting me and trying to get me to eat something. I was also feeling the effects of being in a car accident. I was sore and stiff all over. It was a great combination. Not really.
The following week must have been the Lawtons’ turn to take pity on me. Every day I had a visit from at least one of them. Krissy, Ann, and Maviny were all trying their best to help me feel better. I felt very loved and quite pathetic.
By the following weekend I declared my pity party and self-loathing over. I gave myself a good lecture that went something like this: You knew you were in love with a man that didn’t love you back. You only have yourself to blame for sticking around. So, now it’s time to move on. You’ve been through worse, you’ll survive this. Think about all that you have to look forward to. You even get a new car out of the deal. It was a totally lame pep talk.
After Saturday chores to the music of 38 Special, I decided to wear real clothes and do my hair. My dad looked relieved when I came up the stairs looking like a human being and not a slug on the couch.
“What do you say we go car shopping today?” my dad asked. My car had been totaled.
“I guess we better. I also need to finish Christmas shopping.”
“Great. We’ll make a day of it.”
It was a perfect winter day in Colorado, bright, sunny, and cool. That was the great thing about Colorado. It could snow one day and be sixty degrees the next.
As we pulled out on the street, Ryan and Josh were walking out. Of course. I hadn’t seen them in a week, and the first time I left the house, there they were. Josh waved excitedly, and my heart ached. I loved that kid. I missed him just as much as I missed Ryan.
I waved back at Josh, and Ryan and I locked eyes. He put his hand up as if to say hi and I see you. He looked good as always, but there was a seriousness to his mannerisms.
I quickly turned from both of them before I lost it. I reminded myself the pity party was
over.
My dad reached over and held my hand as we drove away. “You ok, kiddo?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re lying.”
“How could you tell?”
“I’m not sure who’s more miserable, you or Ryan.”
“Why would he be miserable? He’s with Victoria again.”
“That would be miserable for him, but he’s not back with his ex-wife.”
“Well, what he does now is his own business.”
“He asks about you every day.”
“I hope you didn’t tell him I was living on the couch.”
He chuckled. “Your secret’s safe, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was doing the same thing.”
“Oh, Dad. He didn’t feel for me the way I felt for him.”
“You think so, huh?”
“I know so. I don’t want to talk about him.”
My dad squeezed my hand and let the subject drop.
Our first stop was the car dealership. My dad was actually pretty excited about it. It was like he was longing to be at a dealership.
“Dad, why haven’t you bought a new car?” I asked him on our way into the VW dealership.
He wrapped his arm around me and gave me a little squeeze instead of answering.
“What’s the mystery?”
“No mystery.” He smiled down at me.
“Then why?”
“It seemed unnecessary while you were in school,” he said quietly.
I paused and looked up at the best dad in the world. “Dad, now I feel terrible.”
“Don’t you dare. It was money well spent.”
“Why don’t you give me your car and you get something new today.”
He kissed my head. “Not a chance, baby girl. I want you to have something new and with four wheel drive since you’ll be driving back and forth to school soon.”
“I don’t think that’s in my budget. I was planning on getting another Jetta.”
“Think of this as an early Christmas gift.”
“You’re too good to me.”
“You’re the only kid I have to spoil.”
“Speaking of which … Not that it’s any of my business, but you don’t plan on having any more kids do you?”
Trouble in Loveland Page 28