by Derek Haines
‘Come, come, come forward December, forward, come, Decem, come, for, come, for, December…..,’ a high pitched squeaky voice echoed and tremoloed and looped and looped again back on itself. ‘Bbbbzzzzzz, sssqqquuuuuu, hhhhsssss,’ crackling from the microphone at Kortek’s mouth. ‘Come, come, come forward December, forward, come, Decem, come, for, come, for, December…..,’ the sound system looped and squeaked again, with Kortek now furiously tapping and shaking his microphone. The smattering of people present trying to hold back their giggles. Some did escape however.
Grendaglod then gave December a little nudge, and began their slow royal walk, with a knowing and friendly royal-like nod at the ready. Ignoring the problem with Kortek’s microphone. On their fifth ever so royal stride, their feet slid from beneath them in a simultaneous split second, sending them both extremely un-royally onto their backsides with an audible double thump. December managing to use one hand to break his fall a little, but Grendaglod’s hands weren’t as fast, and she ended up landing flat on her back with her legs pointing north in a very unladylike and un-regally separated fashion. Struggling to regain their footing once more, December and Grendaglod’s efforts to assist one another resulted in another two crash landings before they finally found firm footing and an upright stance once more. Both walking gingerly as the soles of their shoes still felt a little slippery. The quiet, restrained small giggles at Kortek’s announcement now turning into audible laughter. Starting to echo also around the emptiness of the Grand hall.
Kortek pushed away his microphone in disgust and decided to simply shout his ceremonial words into the vast enormity of the hall.
‘Come forward December Gregorian, only son of December Gregori…, cough, cough,’ Kortek broke into a coughing fit as he had shouted far too loud for his larynx to handle. Urgently sipping on his glass of water. ‘Only son of December Greg….., cough, cough, splutter, wheeze, cough,’ and more water drinking. This time reaching for Umblicat’s glass as Kortek’s was now empty. ‘….cough,.. and take your place in the Grand Council, cough, cough, splutter, cough, of the Twelve Sun Systems of, cough, cough, Gloth,’ Kortek finally managed to say as the laughter emanating from those seats that were in fact occupied, started to fill the hall. Even a few Grand Councillors were trying to hold back from laughing at the fiasco developing in front of their eyes. It seemed only Kortek, Umblicat, Dagnion and a very annoyed Greedilli Covetous were unamused.
December and Grendaglod finally reached the front of the hall, with December taking his seat with the aid of ushers who were also struggling to maintain their composure, with Grendaglod taking her seat alongside Dagnion. Trying to avoid further embarrassment, Kortek gesticulated for the ushers to give December the Orb that he must hold, and then signalled to December to stand up. With December at last ready, Kortek placed his left hand on the black pyramid that was missing its top third, and was instantly jolted from his feet, as an electric shock raced up his left arm, landing him unceremoniously into Umblicat’s lap. With Kortek’s left hand still bonding wonderfully with the black pyramid, Umblicat too received a nasty shock and tumbled to the floor in a grand tangle of arms and legs. At the exact same moment, December received his royal message from the black pyramid to his Orb. A similarly jolting bolt of electricity had him dropping it instantly as it began to burn his hands.
It was a pity Kortek spent so long trying to untangle himself from Umblicat, because he missed seeing Greedilli Covetous storm from the hall in absolute disgust at the proceedings. When he finally managed to get to his feet and struggle to his chair, all he could see and hear was a sea of laughter from almost everyone in the Grand Council Hall. Many of the Grand Councillors unable to control themselves as they rocked in fits of laughter. Many with tears rolling uncontrollably down their cheeks. Kortek tried to ignore the laughter and rose yet again to his feet. Keeping a good safe distance from the black pyramid. He gestured for December to stand. He did, but was more interested in looking at the blisters on his palms than concentrating on what Kortek was trying to say.
‘In accordance with the articles of succession, cough, cough, splutter,’ Kortek started to say before another coughing fit. Deciding that his microphone might have been miraculously repaired, he grabbed it and continued. ‘In, in, in, accord, accord, accord, in, in, ance, ance, ance, in, with, in, in, articles, art, art, art,’ squealed and echoed and hissed and buzzed and reverberated and repeated around the hall.
‘What?’ was December’s considered response then he turned to Grendaglod. ‘I don’t understand anything mother,’ which was immediately met with a wave of howling laughter. Some people struggling to keep in their seats as they rocked from side to side. Some obviously suffering from laughter stitches in their sides.
Meanwhile, String sat quietly and innocently in front of the shoe repair shop. Seemingly occupied with a hand held game. He pushed a few buttons and smiled.
Kortek tried to continue, but just as he took a breath to try shouting again, all the lights in the hall started to flash on and off and the rostrum was hit by a flashing strobe light that gave all the Grand Councillors a wonderful flashing dance floor effect. Loud music followed, and filled the hall with a warm night club sort of atmosphere. Above it all Kortek continued.
‘… it is my duty as President of the Grand Council to conduct the investiture…,’ but no one heard a word.
No one heard all the doors, entrances and exits lock either. They were too busy laughing until their sides hurt or dancing to the music. There were of course a very few not dancing or laughing. They were too busy being extremely annoyed.
‘Oh! Hi Feb,’ String said as Feb emerged from the front door of the shoe repair shop. ‘Going somewhere?’ he said noticing that Feb was dressed in his full Supreme Potentate uniform.
‘For a walk String.’
‘Oh, I see you have company,’ String said noticing that General Dirrth and Commander Glutz were behind Feb. Also in their full uniforms.
‘Yes. April will be.., oh here she is.’
‘April as well,’ String said as he now saw April emerge in her full gown and half helmet. ‘Anyone else?’ String asked.
‘Just a few. They’ll meet us later I think,’ Feb replied.
‘Nice day for a walk,’ String said with a smile.
‘Yes it is. Would you like to join us?’
‘Oh, I’m not sure I’m dressed for the occasion Feb.’
‘Doesn’t matter String. But, I think I’ll need you to open some doors for me.’
‘Oh yes. Forgot about that Feb.’
‘So, String. How’s the party going?’
‘Should be in full swing by now Feb,’ String smiled.
‘Excellent.’
‘Eh, where are Snurd and our Royal pilots?’ String asked.
‘Oh, just running a little errand String.’
‘Right Feb,’ String said without understanding what Feb meant.
‘I think it’s time then,’ Feb said and they moved off. Away from the shoe repair shop. Towards the Grand Council Hall.
Resurrections
Feb stood outside the main entry to the Grand Council Hall. Seemingly lost in his thoughts. April, Glutz, Dirrth and String waiting. Quietly. The sound of very loud music thumping and pumping from inside the hall. Feb took a pace away, and looked down the deserted street. Staring. April gave String a look, wondering if he knew what was going on. String shrugged his shoulders. Glutz and Dirrth having a similar silent conversation. The minutes passed. Silently. Feb with his gaze fixed at a point in the distance.
He seemed to see what he was waiting for, and turned to look in the opposite direction. Again with his gaze fixed on a point some distance down the road. Another minute passed quietly. Then Feb finally turned again and faced his group.
‘String, could you just open the entrance to the foyer and take everyone in and wait there for me please?’
‘Uh, sure Feb,’ String replied.
‘Good. I’ll join you in a few minutes.�
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‘And the party inside?’
‘Oh, let them enjoy themselves a little longer I think,’ Feb said with a smile.
While String, April, Glutz and Dirrth stood waiting in the foyer, Kortek was having a very bad day just a short distance away.
‘Would everyone please resume their seats,’ he tried to shout above the music, but no one heard him. Not even Umblicat standing beside him. December had had enough and had headed for the door with Grendaglod and Dagnion running to stop him. They needn’t have bothered running as December found the door locked and started banging on it and throwing a childish tantrum. Banging his fists into the solid door and screaming, ‘I want to go home!’
Umblicat made an error of judgement in running after Dagnion to give him a piece of his mind. He managed to find the mysterious slippery spot on the red carpet and ended up flying head first and landing between Grendaglod’s legs. Tipping her over, and bringing Dagnion and December crashing to the floor also. The old reptilian in the seventh row came to help, but ended up another casualty. Increasing the pile of tangled arms and legs. Meanwhile up at the rostrum, Kortek sat down. And sobbed into his hands.
‘Probably time to turn off the music String,’ Feb said as he entered the foyer. ‘Oh, can you kill all the lights as well?’
‘Like total darkness Feb?’
‘Yes. If you can.’
‘Easy Feb,’ String said and pushed a couple of buttons. Instant silence. For those inside, instant darkness as well.
‘We’ll have a little help,’ Feb said as he signalled from the door. In a second or two, twenty smartly uniformed Gregorian Guards streamed into the foyer and took their positions either side of the Grand Hall’s entrance doors. They could hear what sounded like someone banging their fists on the other side, but they stood to attention and ignored it.
‘Oh, and just a couple more,’ Feb said as Snurd, Snikkle and Likklet strolled in casually and stood with the others. Snikkle giving String a wink.
‘Any more?’ String asked.
‘Why, were you expecting more String?’
‘I don’t know Feb. You just have that look in your eye.’
‘Well spotted String,’ Feb laughed, and waved his hand outside from the foyer door.
‘Atoth!’ April couldn’t help but cry as she raced to him. Wrapping every inch of her arms around him. ‘Oh, Atoth,’ she said as she looked into his eyes. Then turned to Feb. ‘Is this god’s work’
‘No April. But I think this may come close,’ he said as he took a step through the foyer door and returned in an instant.
With his brothers October and March on each side, he stood proudly.
‘Oh my god!’ April screamed, and ran from Atoth’s arms to those of her brothers. ‘But how? …..,’
‘A long story. For later. We have Gregorian business to attend to,’ Feb said sternly. ‘Are you ready Commander Glutz, General Dirrth?’
‘Yes sir.’
Feb looked at his brothers and they nodded. ‘With you Feb,’ March said.
‘Alright. String, open the door.’
As the door opened so suddenly and unexpectedly, December managed to fall flat on his face, and so too did those trying to compose him. With flashlights at hand, the Gregorian Guards jumped the pile of bodies and went about their mission. Glutz and Dirrth alongside their men. Three staying to tidy up the pile of bodies blocking the doorway. As gently as possible, finding a comfortable seat for them to sit on. An old reptilian man was asking if he could use the bathroom, but his request was ignored, and he was just asked to sit down in the darkness.
Once the main doorway was clear, String pressed a few more buttons, and managed to focus a solitary spotlight on the entrance door. A single beep on Feb’s Q’muniktor signalled it was time. Glutz had completed the first part of proceedings.
October and March entered the hall’s main doors and stood in the spotlight. The hall filled with disbelieving gasps. April followed and stood at her brothers’ side. More gasps. Atoth followed April, and was met with confused silence. No one knowing who he was. Silence returned. Atoth stepped forward. String controlling a spotlight which followed Atoth’s slow steps towards the rostrum. Finally arriving a minute or more later and then stood in middle of the rostrum. He took the microphone.
‘By the royal decree of February the Fifth, the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, I hereby declare that I will serve the good peoples of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth for a period of exactly seven days as interim President of the Grand Council. An open, fair and honest election will take place within these seven days to elect a President for a full term of office,’ Atoth announced and was greeted by more gasps and mutterings.
‘It is also my duty by royal decree to ask October and March Gregorian to come forward to pronounce their intentions to the good peoples of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth.’
This announcement was met with louder gasps and much more audible mutterings, and continued as October and March walked regally to the rostrum. Standing to attention beside Atoth, it was March who spoke first.
‘As the eldest son of the late August Gregorian, Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, I hereby rescind my rights to succeed him,’ he said and then stood back as October stepped forward.
‘As the second son of the late August Gregorian, Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, and next in the line of succession, I hereby rescind my rights to succeed him,’ then stepped back with his brother.
Atoth stepped forward again.
‘Please stand for February the Fifth, the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth.’
It was precisely five o’clock as Feb entered the hall. To stunned silence. As he made his way slowly towards the rostrum, the main and side doors to the hall opened fully and began to gush a stream of people, filling the hall. The Gregorian royals that April had asked not to attend as planned, but to arrive an hour late. Arriving at the rostrum, standing proudly beside his brothers, he stood in silence as the hall filled to capacity. A full ten minutes passed. Feb caught a signal in the corner of his eye from Glutz. He and Dirrth had completed their mission and rounded up Kortek, Umblicat, Dagnion and the others. Feb finally took the microphone.
‘My good people of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth. Today marks the return of the rule of law, fairness and equality for all who live in the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth. I accept my brothers’ declarations, and thank them for their confidence in me. Good people. It is with sadness and regret that I must inform you today that the death of our father was a result of an act of treachery. Those responsible for his untimely death will be held accountable for their actions and brought to justice.’
The whole hall stood and politely clapped at the confirmation of what many had already suspected. Feb waited until the applause subsided.
‘My good people of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth. I swear to you today, as I did only a short time ago in this very hall, that I, February Gregorian, pledge to work and die in the service of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth and its loyal populations.’
The entire hall stood and cheered. April cried tears of joy. March and October hugged their young brother. String and Snurd danced with Snikkle and Likklet. Atoth smiled at April. Commander Glutz and General Dirrth looked pleased with themselves.
And February the Fifth, the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, looked at everyone. His thoughts on one very wise old man. Pope Gregory the Thirteenth.
The End
Once upon a time, in a time so unimaginably far into the future, there was a powerful old man who was the emperor of a small, insignificant and remote little part of the universe. His name was February the Fifth, the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, and he ruled over his loyal populations for more than one hundred years. So loved was he, that he became known simply as Fab Feb Five. Such was the love and esteem in which he was held by the people of Gloth and all its sun systems, pla
nets and habitable asteroids. His reign was one renown for its fairness, forgiveness, humility, kindness, courage and benefactorial wisdom. His compassion was such that he forgave those who had plotted against him in his first chaotic days as Supreme Potentate and simply sent them all to a very small, distant and unpleasantly hot little planet, Paltry Minor, in the twelfth sun system to cool off for a few years. When he was satisfied that they had in fact cooled off sufficiently, they were given the choice of remaining on their hot little planet, or returning to Gloth. In choosing the second option, they understood that they would be employed by the palace, and working as ‘pen pushers’ under the direct supervision of one Mr Snurd Humped. Somewhat surprisingly, some decided to stay put on Paltry Minor.
February’s eldest sister April married Atoth, finally. Things got held up a little when Atoth decided to run for Grand Council president after his tiny, temporary, seven day, self-posting. As with all election campaigns it dragged on for a long time, and by the time the election was held and Atoth finally succeeded in winning the election and got around to getting down on one knee, April had second thoughts about marrying a politician. It took weeks of backward and forwarding, sisterly chats and brotherly advice before April finally saw the light and told Atoth to get down on one knee for a second time and start all over again.
This was quite fortunate as Fab Feb Five was so very busy throughout his life governing, ruling and emperoring that he just plain forgot all about the business of marriage and making an heir or two for himself. With his two brothers, March and October relinquishing their right to ascend, the next in line became the first born son of his sister April. Or in the event she did not have a son, it would have fallen to May and her husband Stringley to fill the void, then young June. Luckily for everyone, April and Atoth got around to the family side of things quite quickly and after failing at the first hurdle by having a daughter, they at last put the Gregorian house back in order by having a son at the second attempt. They named their son February for some unimaginably strange reason.