by Amy DeMeritt
“Because, you’re trying to venture into the unknown and try something new. You can’t do that if you’re carrying a security blanket. Those shorts represent your comfort zone, so they need to go.”
“Ok, point taken, great Shaman. I’ll go change.” Alex smiles and laughs. “Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be quick.”
Alex is wearing a pair of charcoal gray tight yoga pants that really make those long legs of hers look even more prominent. I don’t own yoga pants or any of those tight spandex things that have become so popular, so I quickly change into a pair of thin knee length sweat pants that I lounge around the apartment in. When I come back out, Alex is sitting in my favorite arm chair waiting for me.
“Ok, I promise I have never worn these to train in.” Alex looks at me and smiles. “Much better. Do you have a speaker dock I can plug my phone in for our background music?”
I show Alex where to set her phone up, and a moment later, music starts quietly filling the apartment. It’s not like anything I’ve heard before. I recognize the sounds of rain and I think a flute, but there is something else. “What instrument is that?”
“Tibetan signing bowls. My yoga instructor swears by them for encouraging ‘enlightenment’. She says that they help to open the mind and help you to see and feel things you are suppressing by opening your inner energies.” I must be looking at her like she’s nuts because she laughs. “I know, it sounds like total naturalist guru BS, but they always make me feel very relaxed, and that’s going to be important during some of the poses when your body is screaming for you to stop.”
“Ok, whatever you say, Doc Shaman. What do we do first?” Alex laughs and pulls me over to sit on the area rug of my living room. “First, we’ll sit in a neutral position and focus on our breathing for a couple minutes. So, sit Indian style with your hands resting on your knees facing upwards and elbows slightly bent. Keep your back straight and keep your head straight facing forward. You can close your eyes or leave them open. Just try to focus on each breath as it goes in and goes out.”
We sit down facing each other and Alex closes her eyes. I watch her for a moment before I also close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing. After a minute or so, I start to feel like I’m being lulled into a trance by the singing bowls. I’ve never tried meditation before, but this is very relaxing. Just as I feel like I might fall asleep, Alex gently squeezes one of my fingers. I open my eyes and she smiles.
“I thought maybe you were going to fall asleep on me.” I laugh and nod. “I think I was about to.”
“Ok, well now that you are relaxed we can start. This first pose is called downward facing dog. Its good overall for the whole body and is supposed to help calm the mind.” I watch her get into position and raise herself into the pose while she explains what to do and what not to do. “Ok, you try.”
She lowers herself down and rests on her knees while I try. I get into position with my hands and feet planted on the floor with my ass up in the air. Alex comes over and runs her hand along my back from the bottom of my spine down between my shoulders.
“Jordan, try to straighten across here; you’re dipping your shoulders and pinching your spine.” I follow her instructions and she moves to stand behind me. “Do you feel like you’re overstretching your hamstrings?”
“No, they feel ok.”
“Ok, I’m going to guide you back some to correct your hips and knees. Try to keep your back exactly like it is now while I adjust your legs.” She grabs my hips and slowly pulls them back some. Then she glides her hands down the sides of my thighs and gently cups my knees in both hands, pulling back to straighten my legs. This forces my heels down against the floor. “Good, you’re making a perfect triangle now. Ok, now hold that for a couple minutes while focusing on your breathing.”
Out of the corner of my eye I see Alex get into the same pose next to me. When she showed me the pose, it looked very simple. The longer I hold it, the more I feel my body telling me to stop. I try to follow her original advice and I listen to the singing bowls instead of the urgent screams from my muscles. Why is this so difficult?
After a few minutes, Alex says, “Ok, you can relax.” I nearly collapse onto the carpet. “You know why you never see a dog in that position? It’s so damn uncomfortable.” Alex laughs and shakes her head. “Not as easy as you thought, huh? Ok, the next one is called cobra pose.” Alex demonstrates and I try to copy her. This time she doesn’t have to come adjust me at all. “Good, now keep your neck as straight as possible and focus on your breathing.”
We work through a few more poses that I’m able to get into with little difficulty, but my body is starting to become fatigued. I just don’t understand how these positions are working my muscles like they are. I’m actually starting to breathe heavily from the effort to hold the poses.
“This next pose is going to test that claim to lack of grace you mentioned earlier. This is the tree pose and you’ll need to balance on one leg.”
I watch Alex extend her arms above her head with her hands pressed together and elbows slightly bent. Her left leg lifts and she rests her foot on the inside of her thigh. Her body is perfectly straight and she’s not swaying at all. She smiles at my nervous look and lowers her arms and legs.
“Your turn to try.”
I groan slightly and try to copy her. My body is swaying back and forth and I start laughing, losing my balance completely. “Ok, I think all I’m capable of doing is ‘sapling in a hurricane pose’.” Alex laughs and shakes her head, walking over to stand right in front of me. “Claim to no grace justified.” She laughs and places her hands on my hips. “Try again and I’ll hold you steady till you can find your perfect alignment.”
I raise my arms above my head and place my left foot on the inside of my thigh. My body starts to sway, but Alex holds me up. “Straighten your back and make sure your right foot is flat. Try to focus your hips down towards the floor, imagining you’re sitting in your neutral position we started in.”
I try to follow her instructions, but it’s very difficult. I’ve never had very good balance, but it’s even worse after that time Callie knocked me out in the ring over five years ago. So, technically I have a medical reason why I just can’t do this very well, but I don’t want to accept that I have limitations. I cannot allow something as simple as standing on one leg control me.
“Jordan, relax. I can tell you’re getting frustrated and that’s only going to make this harder.”
“Well, it’s frustrating, not because I can’t do it, but because boxing is why I can’t do it. Even without the security blanket, boxing is still holding me back.” I lower my arms and leg and Alex releases my hips and steps back. “What do you mean boxing is why you can’t do it?”
I tell her about my match with Callie and how it impacted my head so much that I still get really bad migraines and my balance is really messed up from it.
“Why the heck would you continue to box after that? Aren’t you risking a lot by continuing to box?”
“Yeah, but it’s all I’ve ever known.”
“Till now. Just because your balance is off doesn’t mean you can’t still do yoga. Eventually, you may also be able to do these balancing poses without much difficulty. Here, lets finish with a calming meditative pose. I think we did enough for tonight.” Alex instructs me in how to get into the lotus pose and guides me in a special breathing technique.
After a minute or so, I start to feel my frustrations dissipate. I can’t believe how much I’m enjoying this and I didn’t think I would. It’s weird, I’ve had both of my parents, a couple past girlfriends, and Callie tell me I shouldn’t box in matches anymore, but its only right now that I’m actually considering retiring completely and only train for exercise with Callie, occasionally. I suddenly feel a burst of energy inside me, like pure excitement. I feel like I’m standing in a room full of mirrors with me reflected in each one, and one by one each mirror is starting to break and crumble to the floor. Left in the frame
of the broken mirrors are images of different places all over the world. They hold the images of countless adventures and a cornucopia of possibilities.
For years, I’ve felt like I’ve been frozen in time, like I’m not going anywhere at all. I thought that the further I got along in my career or the better I became at boxing that I would feel like I was getting somewhere and that I was progressing in life, but that feeling never went away no matter how many times I advanced at work. How have I not realized sooner that I felt like that because I had stopped experiencing life? Alex is right. I really am in a rut. I really do need to jump on the train and go see what else life has to offer that I’ve been hiding from. If this thirty-minute yoga session can give me this much excitement, what else will I find out there? I need to get a giant fish net and a chum bucket because I’m about to start churning the waters.
I open my eyes smiling. Alex still has her eyes closed, but she too has a small closed lip smile on her face. Where the heck did this girl come from and how are we growing so close so quickly? It’s amazing that a quick conversation about the power of classical music, and a book about a guy that joins the circus, could shine enough light into my hall of mirrors to help me see some of what I’ve been missing and make me want to experience anything and everything.
Alex opens her eyes and her smile widens as her eyes lock on mine. She is such a beautiful person. Just being near her makes me feel safe and happy.
“Do you want to go shopping for flowers for my balcony with me this weekend?” Alex stretches her legs out in front of her and nods. “Sure, sounds like fun. There’s actually a big flower market in town this weekend. There will be some live music and all kinds of different vendors selling plants, food, and local honey. I was just reading about it in the paper this morning and it sounds like it could be fun.”
“That sounds perfect. I’m going to make some tea. Would you like anything?” I stand up and hold my hands out to Alex to help her off the floor. She takes my hands and stands. “Tea would be great. How did you like the yoga?” She follows me into the kitchen so I can make us both tea. “I really liked it. Actually, I loved it. It’s completely opposite of boxing, but I think that’s why I love it so much. You were right earlier; boxing has become my security blanket and it’s been holding me back. I think it’s time I retire.”
“Maybe there really is something to what my yoga instructor said about the Tibetan singing bowls. Sounds like you had a very enlightening experience.”
“Yeah, I did, but you laid the ground work throughout the day to help me get to that point of enlightenment.”
I hand her a cup of tea and we go sit on my couch together. I sit sideways pulling my knees up on my couch facing her and Alex does the same.
“So, lets hang up your Dream Shaman drum and rattles for the night so you can tell me that funny story from this morning that you mentioned earlier.” Alex laughs and smiles affectionately with a sweet twinkle in her eyes that makes me feel a fresh burst of excitement.
“Well, there’s this older woman on my team, Esther. Do you know who she is?” I laugh and nod. “She’s a very odd woman.” Alex laughs and shakes her head. “Odd, is not the right word for her. Well, we had a team strategy meeting to discuss the next quarters budget. Upper management had given us some budget goals and we have to determine financial allocations with guidelines for both cost reduction and revenue increasing goals for each department. So, as I’m going through the presentation and explaining what I need from each of them, she interrupts and says, ‘can we allocate some funds to a room for taking naps? Some days I just feel like I could crawl into a coffin and sleep like the undead because this place is so demanding and exhausting.’ I laughed so hard that I actually had to walk out of the meeting to compose myself. I couldn’t believe she said that. Now, I really think I do need to start keeping long garlic garlands on my doorway and around my neck.”
I’m bent over laughing so hard. Esther has never been one to hide that she hates working there, but to hear her compare herself to the “undead” is just too damn perfect. “Oh my god, that’s amazing. I wish I had been there to hear it.”
“Yeah, I really wanted to send you a message and tell you, but I really wanted to wait to tell you in person to see your reaction. It was hard holding that one in all day though.” I laugh again and shake my head. “Oh man, I don’t think I could have held that one in all day. How was the rest of your day? Was she upset that you laughed?”
“No, that crazy woman thought she made a fantastic joke and walked around all proud of herself the rest of the day. It was a major improvement to the brooding attitude from before though.”
We talk for another hour or so, and then she decides she better get going. Just before she walks out the door, she turns back and pulls me into a hug. I smile and wrap my arms around her. My head is basically at level with the top of her chest so I have to turn my head so I’m not nuzzling between her breasts. Instead, I end up laying on her chest for a moment. Oh, this feels so nice. She’s so soft and warm and smells really amazing. When she pulls back, she smiles.
“See you tomorrow, Jordan.”
“Goodnight, Alex.”
Chapter Four
“Get on your feet, Jordan.”
The pain in my ribs and head is worse than anything I’ve experienced. I look up out of breath, dripping sweat, and barely conscious. The crowd is going wild, screaming for me to get up. I’m down on one knee and if I don’t get up soon, the match will be called in her favor. I can’t let Tina win, not this match; this one is just too important. I start to stand, and the referee stops counting at seven as I get my footing and raise my hands. Tina moves in fast with a furious succession of left and right jabs, hooks, and uppercuts. I keep my arms in tight, blocking her fists from making contact, but she pushes me into a corner. Over and over she hammers her fists into my ribs. This is it. I’m going down any second now. Tina lets up for just a second to try to throw a right hook. I quickly jab her in the chest getting her off balance and she takes a step back. I move in fast and hard, pelting every inch of her torso and arms with my fists. She tries to dance around me to get away from my rapid-fire attack, but I follow each step she takes. She drops to her knee and the referee jumps between us and starts counting.
I step back into a corner to try to catch my breath while I wait for her to get up. I can see a trail of blood drips all over the mat. Tina’s not bleeding yet so I know it’s mine. My left eye is very swollen and my lip feels swollen and busted open. I can taste the blood in my mouth. I need to put her down quickly or I may end up seriously injured soon.
Tina stands and she looks pissed. She starts bouncing on the balls of her feet making her way over to me, trying to fake me out and keep me guessing which direction she’s going. I’ve seen her fight plenty of times to know some of her tricks. Tina doesn’t fight the same way each match though. She likes to keep her opponents guessing. She does, however, still have a couple tell-tales about how she’s going to finish a fight. If she’s confident that she can win, she starts to favor her right side, keeping her right foot forward. Damn, she hasn’t switched to her left foot once since standing.
She lunges with a sharp jab and I side step her and land an uppercut on her right ribcage. I quickly get around her and land a few jabs to her stomach and a good left hook to the side of her jaw. She goes down on her back but quickly gets up to sitting position trying to shake her head into focus.
What is that incessant buzzing sound? I look around me and everything becomes fuzzy and starts to fade away. I close my eyes to try and refocus, but when I open them, the boxing ring is gone and I’m lying in bed. I reach over and slam a hand down on the snooze button of my buzzing alarm clock and lay back down. I feel my eye and lip, expecting them to be busted up pretty badly, but they feel just fine, except for the barely noticeable little cut Callie gave me the other night.
So, it was just another dream then? It felt so real though. I’ve fought Tina once in a tournament
and lost, but that fight I just had wasn’t from that match. I rub my face and shake my head to clear my mind. Callie hasn’t been able to track Tina down yet to try and find out what happened to me several days ago. I’m starting to think she skipped town, which only makes me even more nervous to find out what she did to me. Why would she suddenly become so elusive if she hadn’t done something very terrible? Sure, tying me up naked to my bed is horrifying, but it’s the fact that she pulled it off without me being aware of it happening that is the most terrifying part of it all. Plus, I don’t even remember anything from that entire day prior to waking up like that. I’m starting to wonder if she drugged me or something. But why?
Callie thought that if I had a more comfortable mattress these nightmares might stop. We spent Thursday and Friday night mattress shopping and actually found something really amazing last night. She had borrowed a friend’s truck and we were able to bring it home last night. My body doesn’t feel so much like a truck collided with it like it normally does when I first wake up. But even though the mattress felt like a dream to sleep on, Callie was wrong about the lumpy mattress being the cause of my nightmares. I woke up looking like I was winning that match, but if I had finished out that dream, I’m sure it wouldn’t have ended in my favor if Tina stood back up. I could tell I was done – I had nothing left in me.
I told Callie last night that I’m pretty sure I’m retiring from matches and she wasn’t upset at all. She agreed that I should hang up my competition gloves and only train with her for exercise if or when I want to. It’s going to be really hard giving up boxing, but right now, I think it’s probably for the best, not just because I feel like it’s been holding me back from fully experiencing life, but also because for once, I’m actually very concerned about what it might do to my head if I take another head shot. I don’t know if Tina cold cocked me and that’s why I don’t remember what she did to me, but I do know that all its going to take is one good hit and I may be done for good. I’m a decent boxer for my division, but I’m not always going to be able to evade or block every punch.