by Amanda Aksel
“You know, I've been thinking about that a lot,” Heath said, his hands fell to his lap.
“About what?” Aaron asked.
“Maybe we shouldn't have this baby. Maybe we're not meant to parent. Together.” Heath shifted a quick glance Aaron’s way.
Uh-oh. The session had taken a turn for the worse. What if they broke up because I didn’t just weigh in a little instead of berating them for not being able to make decisions?
“Is that what you want?” Aaron asked.
Heath didn’t lift his stare from the ground. “No, but maybe it's what we need.”
“I know!” I said, raising my hand like an eager student sitting in the front row. “Why don't you just have two babies? Use both surrogates and both sperm?”
They each shot me a sour look. “Do you have any idea how expensive it is to raise one child in this city? Let alone two!” Aaron said, and I realized that if both of my embryos took, we’d probably have to move outside of the city, maybe even the state.
Heath tilted his chin, hope reappearing in his eyes. “Actually, I kinda like that idea. We get the best of both worlds.”
“For Christ’s sake,” Aaron said, rising to his feet and gripping his phone in his hand. “I have to go.”
“Wait!” Heath called out. “Where are you going?”
“I have a real baby to deliver, remember?” he said before he slammed the door behind him.
Yikes! I hated when patients stormed out of my office. With all three partners treating couples, we heard door slamming at least four times a week. “Do you want to talk about what just happened?”
Heath seemed to be fighting tears. “I just want to have a baby with the man I love. For us to be a family. Is that so much to ask?”
His words pierced right through my heart. I knew that struggle all too well. “It's not so much to ask. I'm sorry. Things like this should be easier.”
“I just want to be a father.”
And I just wanted to be a mother. I couldn’t even imagine if James and I had to decide which one of us got to be the biological parent to our kid and pick a surrogate mother on top of that. I felt a twinge in the pit of my belly. Hopefully, it would never come to that.
The rest of the day seemed to be a repeat of Heath and Aaron, couples disagreeing without a hint of compromise. For the first time in years, I was nervous that a portion of my patients would end up in Telly’s law office right after our session. What if I lost more of Katie’s patients than I could keep? My desk phone rang.
“Hello?” I said, checking things off of my to-do list.
“Marin, it's Diana. How are you?” Her voice was pleasant, but I didn’t have time for pleasantries. I wanted to get home before the sun went down.
“Good, busy. What's up?” I asked.
“Oh . . . Katie and Andy are waiting for you in the meeting room for your four-thirty appointment with Mr. Pilsner.”
Oh shit. I had completely forgotten that we had someone flying in from New York to meet with us about the partnership, and that he was named after a type of beer. “I'll be right there.”
“Dammit!” I yelled after I hung up the line. I grabbed my note pad and rushed into the meeting room. It was a space we rarely used aside from group sessions. Six comfy leather chairs formed a circle and serene paintings of waterscapes lined the walls. Andy sat directly across from Mr. Pilsner with Katie to his right, so I placed my things on the chair to his left.
“Sorry, I'm late. I'm Marin, thanks for coming all this way,” I said, extending my hand.
Mr. Pilsner looked about Andy's age. He had wavy-blond hair and was dressed more like a Wall Street professional than a therapist with his shiny cufflinks. “Call me Ted.” His eyes wandered down my body and he smirked.
I immediately dropped my hand. “Okay, Ted.” Hopefully, the interview would be over soon.
It wasn't. Nearly an hour later, the conversation continued. I stopped asking questions since every time I did I caught Ted checking me out. Veto! He wasn't much different than Andy: East Coaster, single, arrogant. But even though they were both Jets fans, Andy didn't seem to like him. At all.
“So did you say you were fired from your last job?” Andy asked, knowing full well that he never mentioned the words fired or terminated.
Ted chuckled. “You must not’ve been listening when I said that I’ve chosen to leave New York. You know, Andy, you talk a lot for a therapist.”
Andy sneered and I was almost sure I heard him growl in defense. I put my hand on his forearm for a moment. Down, boy!
“So why do you want to leave New York?” I asked. “You know it's more expensive to live here, not to mention the rent for the office, and, of course, your buy-in.”
He leaned back and interlaced his fingers. “My doctor thinks I need to slow down a bit. I'm not ready to leave urban America like he suggested, but I think San Francisco would be a nice change of pace.”
Andy furrowed his brow. “We have a growing practice. We're not exactly looking for someone to slow down.”
“He means my personal life,” Pilsner said.
“Your personal life?” Andy asked. “I don't even want to ask what that means.”
When Ted didn't offer any further details, I knew all of us vetoed his offer. I almost felt bad for the guy, but that's what you got when you made women feel like pieces of meat and snubbed the only other guy in the room. It was after six when he finally left the office.
“Thank God he's gone,” I said and Andy agreed.
“He wasn't that bad,” Katie offered.
Andy chuckled. “Not that bad, he was rude and I saw him staring at your legs the whole time.”
“Well, he was kind of handsome,” Katie said. I couldn’t believe it.
“Well then fuck him, Katie, don't hire him!” Geez, Andy really needed to call it a night.
She glared at him. “You guys, we really need someone in here. We can't just pass up every great candidate while we cross our fingers and hope for the perfect partner.”
“Why not? What's the rush? We're only doing this because Marin wants to have a baby and she's not even pregnant yet.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. He knew all about the IVF cycle I’d just survived.
Andy withdrew a bit. “Sorry, you know what I mean.”
“The rush is that I'm leaving the practice. I’m moving,” Katie blurted.
A cold sweat erupted over my entire body. “Moving?”
“To Texas,” she continued. “It's too hard for the kids to be away from their dad. It's the best thing for my family.”
My jaw dropped as my heart sank to the bottom of my gut. Katie's moving? She was the one who gave me the job and offered to make me a partner. So much of what I knew about the business and our profession was strictly because of her. I loved Andy, but I didn't know if I wanted to run a practice without her.
“You're kidding, right?” Andy said, and I knew that we both wished that she were.
“No, I'm not.”
Andy rubbed his hands down his face. “When?”
Katie glanced around wistfully like it was her last time in the office. “As soon as we get someone else in here.”
“What are you going to do in Texas?” I asked.
A small twinkle formed in her eyes. “They're holding a teaching position for me at the local college. Eventually, I'll find somewhere to start seeing patients again.”
My stomach churned and I eyed the trashcan in the corner of the room. “I need to sit down,” I said and sank back on one of the leather chairs.
“You've known about this for a while, haven’t you?” Andy asked in a low tone. “That's why you started handing off patients to me and Marin. It wasn't all about spending more time with the kids, was it?”
She turned to him. “I needed to see how I felt about it. I've been building this practice with you for over ten years. I didn't know if I would ever be able to let go of a single patient and when I did, all I felt was . . . relief. I kn
ew that it was time for me to move on.”
Andy looked so confused. Neither of us was prepared for Katie to break our hearts. “Why didn't you say anything until now?”
Katie shrugged. “I dunno. I was hoping we could get someone in here that we all loved and then the blow wouldn't seem as bad.”
“You lied to me, Katie. We never lie to each other,” Andy said, and for a moment, I felt like I was intruding on an intimate conversation.
She dropped her arms at her sides and balled her fists. “I didn't lie!”
“Omission! You lied by omission, which is the same thing. We tell our patients that all the time.”
My cheeks felt hot and it was as if I was a little kid watching Mommy and Daddy fight over the fact that they didn’t love each other anymore. I got off the chair and grabbed my notebook. “I think I'm gonna go.”
“No, Marin, you should hear this. This practice belongs to all of us,” Andy said.
“You two need to talk this through without me, at least for now.” Neither said a word as I crept out of the room. As soon as I closed the door, I heard Andy raise his voice while Katie defended herself. I tried to swallow my nausea but it was stuck in my throat. I couldn’t hold it in much longer. I jetted to the bathroom and held my hair away from my face as I let go of my afternoon snack. I wiped my mouth with tissue paper and sat back against the stall door. Katie was leaving the practice and the city. What would happen to our therapy center? Would Andy or I be able to step up and run the place the way she did?
That night I could hardly sleep. I hadn't heard a peep from Andy or Katie the entire evening and I was hoping that the place hadn't caught on fire from their heated argument. Butterflies flapped wildly in my stomach when I arrived at the office the next morning.
“Good morning . . . Marin. How are youuuuu today?” Diana asked.
“Doing okay,” I said, leaning on the counter. “Is Katie here?”
She cocked her head. “Yeeeees, she is in her office.”
I squinted my eyes. “How about Andy?”
“Oh, yes. He's in his office too.” She nodded.
I slapped my hand on the counter. “Okay, thanks!”
I walked down the hall to their neighboring offices. Both doors were shut. I listened in. Katie was on the phone but Andy seemed quiet. Almost too quiet. I knocked at his door.
“Come in,” he said and I eased the door open.
“You got a second?” I asked.
He kept his eyes on his computer screen. “What's up?”
I walked gingerly over to his desk. “Everything okay with you and Katie?”
“Not exactly, but it'll be fine.” His tone was as dead as a flat line.
I grimaced. “We're not bringing on that Ted guy, are we?”
“Hell no!” He finally looked up at me. “You know, I was thinking, since you and I are gonna be stuck running the joint together I think we should be making the decisions about what comes next.”
“What do you mean?” I sat in the chair and sipped my green tea from my travel mug.
“Katie's all about growth. I think it's okay to keep it small and maintain what we have.”
I nodded, liking the way that sounded. “Well, given the fact that I might be pregnant, I'm inclined to agree with you.”
He leaned his elbows on his desk. “So what do you think about nixing the partner idea and just hiring someone to take some of the load off?”
“Um, I dunno. Neither of us is great at the business side. We need someone like Katie.”
“We can hire someone to do that. They don't need to have any ownership.” Hmm, I’d never thought about that before.
“Can we afford to do that?” I asked.
“Yes, if you, and/or I buy Katie out.” I knew there was a catch.
James and I had just spent a small fortune on the IVF treatment. “I’m not sure I have the money,” I said when I also meant, I’m not sure I want to own half of this place.
“Well, I do and I’m fine with it.” Andy leaned back in his chair with a satisfied smile. I think he liked the idea of being the boss. I just wasn’t sure that I did.
“Let's talk about it later. Maybe I can meet you halfway. I still like the idea of bringing on a new partner,” I said.
“Why, you think you might quit your job after you push out a crying baby?”
I wanted to give him a good smack in the face for asking that, but decided to let it go. His world was getting knocked upside down too. Still, I did feel more comfortable with three of us sharing the load rather than just Andy and me. But was that because of Andy or because of me? I really did love my job, but what if he was right? After the baby, would I still want both?
“I get the results back later today. I don’t want to make any decisions, or even think about it again until after tonight,” I said.
Andy nodded. “Of course. And I’m sorry I’m being such an asshole, it’s just —”
“I get it,” I said. “It’s okay.”
He gave me a half smile. “I know I talk a lot of shit, but I really do hope your test is positive.”
“Thanks,” I said, a little touched by his good wish. “That means a lot coming from you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Fourth Time’s A . . .
I'm definitely pregnant. Or at least that’s what I thought when James and I walked into the clinic later that afternoon.
“Hi, Mrs. Marin, how are you?” the receptionist asked.
“I'm doing great! How are you?” I said as I scribbled down our names on the check-in sheet.
“You look great! Like you're glowing or something.”
See. I already had that pregnancy glow. Within the next hour, James and I would know for sure that we were going to be parents to this little baby growing in my belly. I couldn't sit still in the waiting room. James held my hand tightly in his. His palm was sweating like crazy.
“Are you nervous that we're actually pregnant?” I asked.
“No, I'm nervous . . .” He stopped and looked into my eyes, doing his best to smile. “Never mind. We should just wait to hear from the doctor.”
We were immediately called back and escorted to Dr. Pia's office. While we waited, James’ leg bounced like he'd had way too much caffeine. It wouldn't be long before we could finally go home and just relax. I’d always imagined how I would tell James I was pregnant. I liked the idea of packing baby shoes in a normal-sized shoebox and giving it to him as a gift.
But even though I wouldn't get to surprise him with the news, we would get to enjoy the moment together. I took his still-damp hand and held it in mine until the doctor came in.
“Hi, Dr. Pia!” I said, grinning.
She looked up and smiled at us both. “Hello, how are things going?”
“They're going great!” I said. And the ticking showed up again. This time at full blast. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick! I could feel the ticks vibrating through my entire body. My heartbeat ticked just as loudly, and with the combination of the two I didn’t know if I could hear anything.
“So?” I asked, squeezing James’ hand as hard as I would if I were giving birth.
But as it turned out, I didn’t need to hear the results. Dr. Pia’s smiled turned to the sympathetic kind. I was more than familiar with it by now, as I’d seen it three times before.
She shook her head and said nothing.
James squeezed my hand back. I wanted to collapse in my chair, melt on to the floor, and weep forever.
“No, there must be some mistake. I'm pregnant!” I said and tugged my hand away.
“There is no mistake, Marin. The embryo didn’t stick. You're not pregnant.”
Tears flooded my eyes and I stood, gripping my arms close to my chest. “But I am. I can feel it. I know it.”
“Marin, please sit down. I know you're upset—”
“You're wrong!” I said, grabbing my coat, and flew out of there without a second thought. She had to be wrong.
I r
ushed out of the building and ran almost two blocks to the drug store on the corner in my ballet flats. I followed the sign for Feminine Products and found rows of pregnancy tests. I seized the top three most expensive ones. The same as I had done the night we found out that Telly was pregnant.
“Marin, what are you doing?” James appeared in the aisle next to me.
“What does it look like I'm doing?” I stepped past him.
He held out his arm and in one motion brought me back two steps and held me there. “Marin, stop. You're making it worse.”
“I'm pregnant, James. I know it!” I said, using all of my strength to push past him, but he only grasped me tighter.
“Marin, please.” He held me at arm’s length and I looked into his blue irises, surrounded by blotchy red. I fought back tears and clutched the pregnancy tests closer to my chest. If only time would stop. If we could go back.
“I know you're crushed. But we're not pregnant.” A tear fell from his eye. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. Ever. My knees buckled beneath me and I let out the biggest belt of heartbreak I'd ever felt. Ever. James held me right there on the floor in the middle of the aisle as I cried into his chest.
“I know, baby. I know,” he whispered, and I felt his warm tears drop on the top of my head.
It was as if I were crying for every single failed pregnancy test I'd ever read. I wanted to scream out something, anything. But I couldn't make any words. I just sobbed and wailed all the pain and sorrow into his T-shirt, so much that I could barely breathe. I wished to die in that drug store. How was I supposed to live after that? I couldn’t get pregnant.
I let the boxes of tests go and gripped James' shirt. He lifted me to my feet and swung my legs up. “Let's go home,” he said and carried me out of the store.
I didn't utter another word for the rest of the day. James laid me down on the bed and slipped off my shoes. He covered me with the blankets and brought me water and hot tea. I rolled onto my side and didn’t move again. It was almost five a.m. before I could close my eyes.