“You know I come to church every other Sunday,” Grandma Flo snapped. “You just made a plumb fool out of yourself in there. Everybody standing around whispering about their murderous pastor and the tramp who was trying to make him marry her. I ain’t never been so embarrassed in my life. I had to go outside and smoke me a cigarette.” Flo shook her head. “I told you not to go fall in love with that boy. Love makes you do stupid things, and what you did trying to make him love you was downright stupid.”
“Grandma, please. Now is not the time,” Savannah sniffed.
Flo put her hands on her hips. “It sho’ ain’t. The time was two months ago when I told you to use him before he used you. But did you listen? Nooo. Gave that boy your time, and I’m sure your body, and what did you get out of it? Huh? What do you have to show for it? Absolutely nothing! Just pathetic.” Flo walked closer, leaned down, and looked at Savannah with disgust. “I told you that boy would never want somebody like you.”
“That’s enough, Florence McKinney!” Dorothy Mae’s voice caused all three of them to turn their heads. “Leave that girl alone.”
Savannah didn’t know why Dorothy Mae was coming to her defense, especially after what Savannah had done in trying to blackmail Terrance.
“Excuse me,” Flo snapped as she stood up. “This is between me and my granddaughter. Don’t come out here acting like you care about her.”
Dorothy Mae looked like she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t really care about Savannah, but watching her sitting there like a wounded puppy, getting beaten down even more by her floozy of a grandmother, made Dorothy Mae feel more than a little sorry for Savannah.
“It’s okay, Ms. Dorothy Mae,” Savannah said, pulling herself up off the floor. She used her dress sleeve to wipe the tears from her face. “My grandmother is just being her usual self.” Savannah sighed.
“You ain’t got to explain nothing to this old hag about me,” Flo barked as she tossed her ponytail from side to side.
“You wanna see an old hag?” Dorothy Mae said, taking a step toward Flo.
“You feeling froggy? Jump,” Flo said, removing her large gold earrings.
“Ladies, please,” Raquel said, trying to diffuse the situation. She stepped in between Dorothy Mae and Flo. She looked like she couldn’t believe that they were actually about to go at it. “Haven’t we all been through enough?”
Flo huffed and turned back to Savannah. “And you thought these Goody Two-shoes would ever accept you into their family? Far as they concerned, you just a little ghetto chick who they thought wasn’t good enough for their saved and sanctified nephew.”
“If she’s ghetto, she came by it honestly,” Dorothy Mae retorted.
“Shouldn’t you be off somewhere making sure your nephew ain’t killing somebody else?” Flo growled.
Savannah stepped in because she could see Dorothy Mae was about to lose it. “Grandma, stop it!”
Flo threw her shawl over her shoulder. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Savannah, you can stay back here and let these holier-than-thou hypocrites step on you all you want. Me, I gots me a date.” She eyed Dorothy Mae. “Chester Edwards said he been looking for a real woman like me.”
Eva had to squeeze Dorothy Mae’s arm to get her to control the fire that was building in her eyes.
Flo giggled as she sashayed down the church hallway and out the side door.
“Everybody,” Savannah said after her grandmother was out of sight, “I’m sorry about that.” She lowered her head. “I’m sorry about everything.” Savannah was utterly exhausted. She was tired of the games, tired of the fighting, tired of everything. And it especially hurt her heart to see the pain Terrance had put himself through today. And all because of her. Maybe if she hadn’t been blackmailing him, he would’ve never felt the need to confess.
“I know you’ll never understand why I did what I did.” Savannah looked around at all five of the women. “None of you will. But trust me when I tell you, I loved Terrance.”
“Do you even know what love is?” Mamie snapped, like she wasn’t buying the remorseful look on Savannah’s face.
Savannah sighed in defeat. “I thought I did. I thought I had found it with Terrance.” She had never intended on apologizing to anyone, but she just wanted this all to be over. So what, she’d never gain their acceptance. At this point, she was just tired of trying.
“Maybe you just thought it was love because you looked at who you thought Terrance could make you into,” Eva said, a sincerity across her face that Savannah had never seen before.
Savannah rubbed her forehead, which was pounding. “Maybe you’re right. I just got caught up in what I wanted. I never meant to hurt anyone.” She turned to Raquel. “Can you go find Terrance? Help him through this. You’re the only person that can. I know that now.”
Raquel stepped forward, hesitated, then reached out and hugged Savannah. “I hope you find the happiness you’re searching for. I’ll pray for you.”
Savannah wiped at the tears that had started trickling down her cheeks again. “Thank you,” she replied, as Raquel headed out the door in search of Terrance.
Eva walked over and stood in front of Savannah. Her face wasn’t filled with the contempt that it usually bore, but it was still far from welcoming. “I don’t condone what you did,” Eva said. “But, well, we weren’t perfect either.”
Dorothy Mae stepped toward Savannah. “And if you have to deal with a grandmother like Florence, it’s no wonder you make some messed-up decisions.”
Savannah flashed a weak smile as they stood in awkward silence for a brief minute.
“Oh, so I guess we just gon’ break out and sing ‘We Are the World’ next, huh?” Mamie snapped as she rolled her eyes. “Everybody else may be all ready to forgive and forget, but I’m not having it.”
Dorothy Mae shook her head at Mamie. “As you can see, my sister is not as forgiving.”
“Sho’ ain’t,” Mamie said, folding her arms across her chest.
“It’s okay,” Savannah said. “You all have a lot to deal with, and I should be the least of your concerns.”
“Now she’s saying something I can agree with,” Mamie said.
“Let it go, Mamie,” Eva said. She turned back to Savannah. “It’s time all of us let it go.”
Eva was worn-out. She didn’t want to think about Savannah anymore. She didn’t want to hear her sisters bickering and complaining anymore. Right now, the only thing she could focus on was finding Terrance and convincing him that if God could forgive him, they could, too. And maybe, in turn, that would help him forgive himself.
chapter 50
Eva placed the crystal angel on top of the seven-foot-tall Christmas tree. It had been years since she’d used the doe-eyed angel. Something about her expression was so sad. Terrance had given Eva the angel the Christmas after his grandmother died. She’d thought it was an odd and depressing gift, but now she understood.
“Ms. Eva, what are you doing up on that ladder?” Raquel asked. They were all in Eva’s living room, where they’d pretty much been keeping vigil for the past week. No one had heard from nor been able to get in touch with Terrance. Raquel had spent the first few days camped out on his doorstep, but he’d never come home.
“You know I got to keep busy,” Eva said, stepping down off the small ladder. “Otherwise, I’m going to lose my mind.”
Just as she reached the bottom, Eva had to lean against the wall to steady herself. She didn’t realize she was trembling until she almost lost her balance.
“Ms. Eva, please sit down,” Raquel said, trying to ease her to a chair.
“Where is he?” Eva mumbled, almost catatonic. “Why won’t he let us know he’s all right?” She’d tried to be strong all week, but she was at her breaking point.
Raquel wanted to cry herself. But she felt like there were no more tears left inside her.
“I’m sure it’s just because he’s trying to work things out himself,” Raquel tried to reason.
&nb
sp; “What if we never see him again?” Dorothy Mae said. She and Mamie had been so quiet, Raquel had almost forgotten they were in the room.
“You can’t think like that,” Raquel tried to comfort them. “We just have to give him some time.”
“Well, I can’t stay in this house going crazy,” Eva said. “It’s Christmas Eve, for Christ’s sake. I’m going back over there. Essie died fourteen years ago today. He doesn’t need to be alone.”
“But what makes you think he’s going to answer the door even if he is at home?” Mamie asked.
“Then I’ll just kick the door down,” Eva proclaimed.
Raquel smiled as she envisioned Eva trying to kick a door in. “If it’ll make you feel better, we can go by his house again and see if he’s home, or if he’ll even answer.”
“Thank you. It would make me feel a lot better,” Eva replied, already heading toward the door.
Terrance reached up and slammed the off button on his television. It seemed like every channel he’d turned to was showing something holiday-related. Even ESPN had video of football players giving away toys to underprivileged kids. He wasn’t in the mood for Christmas shows, Christmas carols, Christmas reflections, or anything Christmas-related. After all, he didn’t have anything to celebrate.
He’d been holed up in his house for the past week. He’d parked his car around the corner at the apartment complex so no one would know he was home and had refused to answer the door, the phone, or the text messages that everyone had been sending. He had to get his head together, figure out his next move. Part of him felt like he just needed to leave Houston, start fresh somewhere else. Maybe move to some place like Idaho. Anything to try to escape the memories and the pain that he’d caused everyone.
The sound of someone banging on his front door snapped him out of his thoughts. Of course, he’d planned to ignore it, just as he’d been doing the last few days. But his heart dropped when he heard Raquel say, “Terrance, please, I’m begging you. Open the door. I know you’re in there. The note I left the other day is gone.”
Terrance silently cursed. He’d started to just leave the letter there, but he’d been reading and rereading it since he found it. In it, Raquel again professed her love, and seeing that was the only reason he hadn’t already left town.
“I just want you to know, I’m not leaving here,” Raquel announced. “I brought a pillow and a blanket, and I’m about to set up camp right here on your doorstep until you open this door.”
Terrance smiled for the first time in a week. He imagined her wrapped in a blanket at his door, a determined look across her face.
“It’s supposed to be thirty degrees tonight. You wouldn’t want me to die of frostbite, would you?” she called through the door.
Terrance exhaled, then made his way to the door. He swung it open and stared at Raquel. She had bags under her eyes and looked like her week had been as rough as his.
He didn’t say anything as he just stepped to the side and let her pass.
“You know everybody’s worried sick about you,” she said, turning to him. He shut the door and turned and walked back into his living room.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to have anyone worried about me. I just have a lot on my mind right now,” Terrance solemnly said.
“And now’s the time when you should be surrounded by those who love you.” Raquel stared at him. She had to get through to him. He looked horrible, with hair that was screaming to be cut, and stubble that covered his entire chin.
“What part of ‘I don’t deserve your love’ do you not get? I have to atone for my sins.”
“Terrance, shake off that self-pity. It’s not you,” Raquel said in a tone that told him she was losing sympathy. “You made a horrible, horrible mistake. A long, long time ago. You’ve got to let it go. You preach all the time about forgiveness. You said yourself God has forgiven you. He’s had mercy on you. So why is that not enough for you?”
Terrance stared at her. That was the million-dollar question.
Raquel continued, “Jeremiah thirty-one, thirty-four, says that when God forgives us, He remembers our sins no more. He doesn’t forget, but because He forgives us, He chooses not to bring up our sin in a negative way. Forgiving yourself is simply letting go of what you are holding against yourself so that you can move on with God. If God has moved on, shouldn’t we do the same?”
Terrance couldn’t help but smile. “Sounds like somebody was paying attention in Bible Study.”
Raquel stared back, not returning his smile. “Sounds like somebody else wasn’t.”
Terrance’s smile faded. Raquel was revealing a painful truth. He’d preached words he wasn’t heeding himself.
“Terrance, the longer you avoid forgiving yourself, the longer you allow yourself to harbor the feelings that you deserve to suffer for what you did, the more explosive you will become, and the more likely you are to hurt others. Just like you’re hurting me. Just like you’re hurting your aunts.”
Terrance cringed at the mention of his aunts.
“Stop being a coward and face them.”
Terrance raised his eyebrows at Raquel’s harsh words. She folded her arms, unmoved. “I know you’re dealing with a lot, but we all are. You’ve hurt them enough. Don’t hurt them even more by shutting them out.” Raquel didn’t give him time to respond. “Look, you might as well know, your aunts are outside in the car. They want to come in and see you. And you need to let them.”
Terrance sighed heavily before plopping down on the sofa. “I don’t think I can do this,” he moaned.
“You can do anything you want to do. Stop being a coward and face them. You need to deal with this,” Raquel said, no longer caring if her words were too harsh. She had to snap him out of this pitiful funk he was in. “They have been worried to death. Do you know I saw Mamie cry? I didn’t even think she had tear ducts.”
“Aunt Mamie, crying? That must mean she was in a whole lot of pain,” he tried to joke.
“Exactly. And the only thing that can bring her out of it is you. I’m going to tell them to come on in,” Raquel said, looking at him for his approval.
He hesitated, then nodded. Raquel walked over to the door, opened it, and leaned outside, waving toward the car. A few minutes later, all three of his aunts stood in front of him.
An awkward silence hung in the air. Eva looked like she didn’t know if she should hug him or slap him.
“Terrance Deshaun Ellis, I am so disappointed in you,” Eva said. “It’s not what you did, although I am devastated about that. It’s the fact that you held it in for so long and tortured yourself for all these years, never feeling like you could turn to us.”
“Join the club,” Terrance stoically responded. “I’m disappointed in me, too.”
Dorothy Mae sat down next to him. “We’re not judging you because of what you did. We’re not mad at you about that. I mean, we are, but we aren’t. We know it was an accident.”
Terrance looked at her, confused.
Eva stepped in. “I think what she’s trying to say is, yes, it broke our hearts to find out you were the driver we’ve been searching for all these years. But we also know you. We know your heart. And we know this is worse than any prison you could’ve ever been in.”
“But you’ve got to know, my sister would not want you to punish yourself like this,” Dorothy Mae added.
“Yeah,” Mamie echoed. “She would want you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and know that if God is with you, then so are we.”
Terrance was quiet.
“Terrance, Lily Grove needs you. We need you.” Raquel knelt in front of him, her eyes filling with tears. “I need you.”
“Son,” Eva added, sitting on the other side of him on the sofa, “the reality is that you cannot change what has happened. You can’t bring your grandmother back. But you can make a difference in the lives of others. You can give back some of what you have taken away by finding a different place to invest your time and co
mpassion. You found that at Lily Grove. So it’s time to let it go.”
Terrance looked at the woman who had taken over where his grandmother had left off, and fourteen years of emotion overcame him. He buried his head in Raquel’s chest and cried. And for the first time, he truly felt forgiven.
chapter 51
101-Year Christmas Celebration
What a difference a year can make.
Terrance watched as the choir wrapped up a powerful rendition of “When Praises Go Up.” He was thrilled at the turnout at today’s service. He’d actually been apprehensive about this whole celebration because, really, who celebrates 101 years? But Raquel had convinced him that the church needed it after the disaster last year.
Raquel. The perfect pastor’s wife. She’d been his voice of reason. His rock. His lifesaver. Because of her love, he’d been able to work through his demons.
He looked out in the congregation at his wife of six months. She rubbed her protruding belly. At least protruding to him. It was actually only a small mound; after all, she was only four months pregnant. But watching her, he realized, he was the happiest man alive.
After closing out the service and bidding the guests farewell, Terrance made his way back into the sanctuary, where Raquel and his aunts were sitting around chatting.
“Hmph, did you see what that floozy Flo had on at church today?” Mamie said, shaking her head. “She looked like she belonged in a senior-citizen hoochie video.”
“Aunt Mamie,” Terrance admonished. “I thought we were through judging others.”
“I ain’t judging nobody. I’m stating a simple fact.”
Raquel laughed as she took her husband’s hand and pulled him down next to her. “You should know by now, you’re not going to get your aunt to change.”
Terrance leaned over and kissed Raquel. “I guess you’re right.”
“Get a room,” Mamie snapped. “Good grief, trying to get your groove on in the house of the Lord.”
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