by E. Davies
Once we’d said our goodbyes, it occurred to me that I didn’t really know anyone in the city who I could vent to, apart from Adam—and he was a crappy listener. Maybe that was what I was missing—connections.
And with my totally-not-boyfriend disappearing to Singapore and elsewhere for days at a time, that situation wasn’t going to get much better unless I actually came up with a plan.
No wonder I was afraid to date him—not only was it a huge vulnerability to let someone in, but if that was my one friend and I lost him? Fuck, I couldn’t let something like that hold me back from what could be a great thing.
There was a plan: find work, find friends, and maybe—just maybe—say yes to Charlie. If he stuck around that long.
Only time would tell.
21
Charlie
“Have you had a chance to think about it, or do you want to consider it while you’re in Singapore?”
Just what I’d expected to be confronted with over the coffee machine first thing in the morning. Valerie was clearly trying to be casual about it, but the stress lines on her face were obvious. And no wonder—if we got this contract, it wouldn’t just be me getting involved. A whole team mobilized at once. Maybe it was small, but the firm was, too.
Why had I fought so hard to get to the top only to waver now?
As coffee finished dripping into my mug, I finally turned away from the machine to meet her gaze. “I’ll decide today. I gotta leave early to pack for the Singapore flight. Can you forward me the flight details and pickup time?”
“No problem. Harry will get right on that.” She gave me a thumbs-up and strode out of the break room, leaving me smiling to myself in her wake.
She’d taken a chance on me, and she’d given me tremendous freedom to work on things that interested or challenged me. A lot of firms weren’t like that. I shouldn’t be too quick to turn my back on her now.
I glanced around on the way to my desk. None of my coworkers would have thought twice about this. And hell, it wasn’t like Singapore was that bad when I visited. I didn’t really know how locals experienced it, but I’d never run into homophobia myself. Maybe Dubai was like that, really, for most expats.
I could well be making a mountain out of a molehill, but to what end? I wasn’t lazy, that was obvious to everyone around me. It sure as hell wasn’t a feeling that I couldn’t do it. In-situ challenges like lack of groundwater were the most fun to work around and through.
If I said no, I’d be letting my past self down. I’d sacrificed too much in the last five years to stop just short of the… well, not the finish line, but the qualifying race.
I sighed and picked up my phone as soon as I got to my desk and set down my coffee mug. I dialed my boss’s extension. As soon as Valerie picked up, I said, “Tell him yes.”
She gasped. “Charlie! Final answer, before I call Alex?”
“I want to do my job,” I told her. “And I’m not going to let other people’s opinions of me change that.”
“I could kiss you. Especially if it’ll help you blend in over there.”
The humor was light and playful—Valerie wasn’t one of those workplace creepers. Somehow, though, in the moment, after my days of worrying? That one joke seemed much funnier than it should have. I sank into my desk chair with a laugh. “Thanks, but no thanks.”
“Good man. I’ll call him right now. We’ll set things up. You might be heading straight there after Singapore, though.”
“I’m getting back on Friday, right? I think I leave Singapore on Wednesday or something. I want to stay at home for the weekend. I told Alex already, I’m not spending a moment longer there than I have to.”
It was nothing out of the ordinary, but for some reason, negotiating this made me uneasy. Like I was shirking responsibility somehow, trying to get away with the bare minimum.
“Fine, we can arrange that. I appreciate how long you’ll be away.”
Valerie’s appreciation manifested in donuts before lunch, and letting me go home right after lunch so I could pack. By the time the Uber pulled up at my door, I’d pulled up my usual Singapore packing list, made a copy, and adjusted it for the current season. Compared to other tropical countries, the weather was pretty steady all year round, luckily.
As soon as I’d thrown everything into my travel case, I bit my lip and texted Kev.
Turns out I’m going to Singapore tonight for a week! Are you free for a goodbye kiss?
Just before I hit send, though, I winced. Fuck. It was Kev’s first day of classes.
I backspaced over the last sentence and changed my message.
Turns out I’m going to Singapore tonight for a week! Wish I could see you first, but I hope today’s going great :)
“Stupid life,” I grumbled. Why couldn’t we just be together all the time? If we lived together, there wouldn’t be any of that trying to make time to meet up. I’d liked that the most about living with Hugh. No comparing schedules and finding spare hours, especially in the depths of my busiest weeks with school.
Not what I needed to be thinking about right now.
“Okay, finish packing,” I told myself as I headed off to find my laptop bag. It was going to be a nineteen-hour flight, after all. I was going to go out of my mind without something to distract me.
And since that something wasn’t the taste of Kev’s lips, it would have to be something boring like work.
Somehow, every time I woke up on a plane, I regretted my life choices more than at any other time. Even flying in business class, plane sleeping was a uniquely awful experience.
The windows were half-shaded, and it was way too light in the cabin. Breakfast was coming around, and I was still in pajamas.
It had to be close to nine in the morning destination time—they always waited until ridiculous hours before they dimmed the cabin for sleep. If I had my way, as soon as I set foot on a plane I’d be working on the destination’s timetable. But no, they had to serve dinner and wine and let people watch movies instead.
I knew exactly why I was grumpy. I was getting used to waking up and immediately rolling over to text Kev good morning—and I’d been hoping to spend my weekend hugging him good morning, not en route to Singapore. Hopefully we had the weekend before Dubai together.
The plane had wi-fi, at least. I’d used it all evening while trying to ignore the annoying businessman on the other side of the aisle who had chosen to bring the loudest keyboard in all of creation. Clack-clack-clack all night long.
Planes were universally the worst part of travel, and I just thanked heaven I had a firm paying for me to travel business class. If I were in economy, I might be testing the door seal by now.
Yeah, it was stupidly late. If I’d been up two hours ago, I could have at least gotten to a normal routine in one fell swoop.
Still, despite my mood, I smiled briefly and nodded at the flight attendant who dropped off my breakfast. It wasn’t their fault that planes sucked. Besides, the little plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast made me smile.
It was nothing like brunch with Kev at Bubbles. Sharing a plate of toast with him, drizzling syrup over our stacks of pancakes, giggling over milkshakes like teens.
God, I wanted every morning to be like that one morning, and now I wasn’t going to get a chance to experience that for a couple weeks. This was insecurity, wasn’t it? That knot of worry in my chest that told me I might never get the chance again?
Calm down, worrywart, I told myself and snapped a photo of breakfast to send Kev before I dug in.
It was early morning, apparently, because I got a sleepy selfie in return. I smiled so wide my cheeks just about hurt, and everything that had been stirring up inside my chest settled again. Just seeing Kev was enough to make me relax and stop thinking the worst.
Was this separation anxiety?
Fuck, I’d hoped I was over this, but it felt a lot like the panic that had settled in my chest every time Ben or one of my parents left the country, in thos
e first few years after Hugh’s death.
“Everyone’s fine,” I whispered under my breath, the plane noise easily covering my thoughts so I didn’t sound like a total lunatic to the guy in the next seat. It was a phrase I’d said to myself many times in the middle of the night when I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that someone else had died suddenly. Checking their Facebook accounts and sending texts just to make sure. God, no wonder I had no friends now.
I’d lost my appetite for breakfast, so I pushed it away from me and sent Kev a followup text. Looking cute! This plane ride will never be over.
He sent me a picture of his Lucky Charms. Notice the missing marshmallows?? This friendship is over.
I had to struggle not to laugh out loud. I kind of wanted to meet Adam sometime, for all I’d heard about him. He sounded like the typical obnoxious roommate, but then the way Kev talked about him, he didn’t hate him. They’d moved here together from Tennessee, after all. There had to be some redeeming quality to him.
I suggest booby-trapping the cereal.
Omg, you genius. But he’ll escalate too fast, lol.
I grinned. It was kind of fun to remember what it was like to live with someone. It fit right into what I’d already been considering. How long are you stuck together?
Longer than two horny pigs in a blizzard.
That wasn’t a mental image I wanted, but I tried not to spray orange juice across the tray table as I laughed anyway. He had a way of getting straight to the point sometimes. When I finally composed myself, I answered, ???!
Lol. I don’t know tbh. We’re sticking together as long as that’s what I can afford. :)
The optimism that shone through made me smile. He had the spirit of a brand-new New Yorker, and it invigorated me a little bit, too. Brooklyn had grown comfortable around me, and I’d stopped recognizing what city I really lived in. But yeah, it was a pretty fucking awesome place, even if there were so many quirks and compromises. No in-unit laundry? No Walmart? No problem.
Still, I couldn’t help testing the waters.
If you guys both start making more money, though? Or someone else takes over the other room? I always had legal agreements drawn up after my freshman year experience. “Assholes,” I muttered automatically under my breath. I’d been glad to move in with Hugh after that.
God, you’ll have to tell me that story sometime. But yeah, we’re flexible on what happens as long as we don’t leave each other in the lurch. Why? Planning our future already? ;)
I blushed and fidgeted with my phone. I just kind of wanted to know it wasn’t a dead end, that was all. If he was happy where he was…
It’s smart to make plans.
As long as I get to help plan the wedding ;)
Now I was blushing hard.
Fuck off, I told him.
All I got was a series of laughing emoji.
I grinned as I added, We’ll be landing in a few hours. Going to school?
Yeah, getting ready now. First day was great! Sorry I couldn’t see you off though. :(
Me too. A week will feel like a long time.
His answer made me smile. Fly back soon xox. Then I winced. I had to admit what else was going to take me away from him, didn’t I?
Um… on that note… more trip news, lol.
Haha, where to after Singapore?
Dubai. I held my breath as I sent the message and watched it get delivered.
The answer took longer than any of the messages in our conversation had. Finally, I had my reply, and it didn’t do anything to soothe my nerves. Oh I see. Why?
I winced. A client asked for my design lead. I’m not thrilled about the idea but I’m flying out for an initial meeting and site tour.
Hope it goes well for you. :)
It wasn’t hard to detect that Kev wasn’t happy about it, but goddammit, neither was I. Normally when I made a decision there was no more anxiety or worrying about whether I’d done the right thing. But every time I thought about this project, trepidation crawled into my bones and made itself at home in the pit of my stomach.
What do you think about Dubai?
I would never go, but if you’re putting your career first, it makes sense to take the chance. As long as you stay safe. I know other guys who worked and lived there no problem, but I’ll worry anyway.
I smiled to myself, even if my heart twisted with guilt. I didn’t want to worry him, but it felt weirdly good to have someone care enough about me that my travel choices might affect them. My parents and Hugh’s parents had long since stopped paying attention to my trips, and… well, I’d gotten used to the lonely kind of globe-trotting that came with business.
When do you fly back to NYC? His subject change didn’t escape me, but this was probably a better subject to talk about in person than through texts anyway.
In a week, arriving next Friday.
Wanna send me your flight details so I can keep a tab on you? :)
God, he was sweet. I immediately messaged back with my flight number.
Fab <3 Are you free between trips at least?
Yeah! I’d love to spend some of that time with you if you’re free, I told him.
For you, I’m free ;)
I grinned, not sure if he’d meant that as a joke. It was true in any case. Boy, am I glad. xox
The flight attendants were clearing away dishes, and I nodded in thanks despite my barely-touched meal. I’d wait and have something for dinner before I crashed tonight.
Soon enough, I’d be up and at ‘em, ready for these next few weeks. Like it or not, I’d made my bed, and now I had to lie in it. This was probably my last site visit on this project, at least. I could worry about the other project after I wrapped up my obligations here.
Just setting down one of my many balls in the air sounded appealing to me. It gave me something to focus on that wasn’t the rapidly accumulating distance between Kev and me.
One problem at a time: just the way I liked it.
22
Kev
Fuck, I really needed a drink.
The first week of classes—half a week, really, since it started on Thursday for some reason—had been pretty damn shitty. I’d gotten lost on campus, and when I finally arrived late for my first class…
Well, my teacher was a hardass who wanted us to memorize a shitload of anatomy before we even touched another person. We weren’t going to practice hands-on techniques until the next semester. Worst of all, I had no idea if that was normal for this degree. I’d found other weekend courses, but I was about to pay a lot in tuition to this school. The tuition deadline was next week.
I wasn’t even going to learn anything I could put into immediate use, and it was so hard to slow down and remember that this was a long-term game. Not when I didn’t have income coming in now.
And then there was the fact that something about this plan wasn’t sitting right with me—but I had no other choices, besides trying to swallow my pride and take a shitty job and accept whatever the hell conditions came with it. But fuck, I’d run across half the country to escape being treated like shit. If the answer was to suck it up and accept being treated like shit in a different place, what the hell was the point of it all?
On top of that, Adam had been surly all week, probably because his steady yardwork job had wrapped up. The winter maintenance was over, and his clients had hired a real landscaping company to maintain their property during the summer. I’d suggested applying to that company or others, and he’d just grunted and stormed off.
All that, and I wouldn’t even see Charlie until Friday. Before he flew to fucking Dubai, of all places. I hadn’t thought he’d be the type, but most rich gay guys were like that. They thought they were immune from local laws just because they were important.
I didn’t go to any place that scared the shit out of me, and I didn’t want him there, but I had no claim whatsoever over his life and I knew it. All I could do was be supportive—and I did genuinely understand why he was going, when I
was trying to be objective.
But I couldn’t stop putting together scenarios in my head: the border guards checking his phone on entry and finding our sexy texts and throwing him in jail until deported, or him going to a gay club and getting busted in a police raid, or even more outrageous scenarios like his client finding out he was gay and threatening to turn him in to police unless he stayed and designed more buildings for them.
It was ridiculous and I knew it, but I was just afraid. I was losing control everywhere in my life at once, and all of a sudden, everything that had seemed clearcut now seemed like a bad idea—but it was too late to stop.
All of which added up to me needing a good, stiff drink and a little dancing to loosen up. Maybe in the morning, I’d be able to think clearer and stop blaming Charlie for making what was probably a good, sensible business decision. Man, I was not cut out for a traditional job.
Before I could fall down the rabbit hole of “I’m never going to find a real job that doesn’t make me feel dirty” and end up in the wonderland of creative horrible endings that suggested for me, I grabbed my keys and phone. “Going out!” I called.
Adam grunted back at me, and I rolled my eyes and strode out.
Friction was only a ten-minute walk from our place, which was one of the best things about our location. We had laundromats—not that we used them, when Adam wasn’t being a dick—and small supermarkets, cafes, a bookshop… it felt like a real neighborhood. It wasn’t even a whitewashed hipster central like a lot of areas seemed.
I was invisible in the crowd. As well as I knew the neighborhood, thousands of others lived or worked or played around here. It was impossible to know the neighborhood faces, and I still wasn’t quite used to that.
For the first time, I started to wonder if moving here had been the right thing to do.
New York City was a metropolis like none other. I missed the open skies and fields, the sunshine and fresh air on my face. What the hell was a kid like me doing in a place like this?