by E. Davies
The answer came quickly. OMG, you didn’t say. Hugs xoxoxo
At least that made me smile. Kev had a lot to learn about me and how I hid my stress, but he was trying to be supportive, and that meant a lot.
Hugs xox, I responded, trying not to feel like I was a kid writing letters to my grandma in Maine. It was much more Kev’s language than mine, but it earned me several kissing emoji in response.
I pocketed my phone and ran my hands through my hair. All I could do was wait for eight o’clock. The Uber got to the office a few minutes early, probably by violating traffic laws. He could have pressed a flying button on the console and I wouldn’t have even noticed, I was so wrapped up in my thoughts.
“Thanks,” I mumbled once I got there and loped into the elevator.
I was early enough that I missed the main rush of coworkers arriving one or two minutes before eight, at least. I’d probably have time for another cup of coffee—no, tea was a better idea at this stage of the morning. Caffeine jitters wouldn’t help anyone.
I managed to occupy enough of my attention with the hot water tap that Valerie had to call my name twice from the break room doorway.
“Oh. Oh, shoot, sorry.” I nearly spilled the cup as I snapped the lid on and followed her to the office.
“Still on Singapore time?” she said, not unsympathetic.
I half-smiled. “Oh, I’ve gotten used to that spacey feeling.”
She stopped in her doorway, and I had to stop sharply on my toes so I didn’t spill hot tea down her back. That was not the way to keep my job. “Do you want to do this another day?”
“No,” I said strongly. “No way.” The suspense would kill me. I’d rather get this over with, even if I didn’t speak perfectly or take in all of it, than wait days for the outcome.
“Close the door,” she told me unnecessarily before heading for the desk. Once it clicked shut, I joined her and sat opposite, and she folded her hands. “How did the trip go?”
“Great. The ceremony was good,” I said automatically. I never took much pleasure in grandstanding and ceremonies like that, but at least we’d gotten some photos for the firm’s website and press releases. The final opening ceremony would be a few more months while the finishings were done, but as far as I was concerned, my job was over.
“Glad to hear it. So, I’ve called Alex and canceled everything.” Valerie’s displeasure was easy to read on her face as her lips turned down. “We were all pretty disappointed.”
“So am I,” I told her. If I’d learned anything from Kev, it was how damn important it was not to tiptoe over something that really mattered to me. Like Kev wouldn’t accept being treated like shit, I wasn’t going to, either. “It’s a shame they’re building in a country that wants me dead.”
Valerie paused for a few moments, looking at me. “Yeah,” she finally agreed. “But our firm is expanding operations throughout southeast Asia and the Middle East as economies grow there. I’m going to need all hands on deck when we win bids. You know, through the normal process.”
I winced, not needing any more reminders of how rarely a job was handed to us on a silver platter. I’d really screwed things up for them. “I’m sorry I caused problems,” was all I said. “But I have a hard line. I tried to get over it, but I can’t. I won’t go there in the future. If that’s a problem…”
“I don’t know if it will be,” Valerie told me. “Most of our senior architects—gay or straight—have been flexible about where they’re willing to work.”
“I get that. That’s their choice, and this is mine,” I told her, my confidence growing. Looking for a new job sucked, but at least I was alive to do it.
This had once been my dream job—I’d been thrilled to be accepted as an intern, even as the rest of my life crashed and burned around me. They’d gotten the benefit of my desperation to drown myself in work, and I’d gotten… well, the start of a career.
But it was starting to feel a hell of a lot like a relationship that I’d outgrown. Which I hadn’t noticed before now, perhaps because I’d never had that chance. My few high school boyfriends had been childish, full of easy dumping and getting together. Then came Hugh, and… well, I’d never had the chance to outgrow that relationship.
“I’m getting the impression I’m not the best fit for this position,” I said calmly. It was a perfectly reasonable conclusion to draw from the available evidence.
Valerie’s look of relief was obvious, too. “Well…” she hedged.
“As long as I’ll get a good reference, I’m happy to move to a different firm. Somewhere I’ll either be responsible for projects here in the States, or stick to behind-the-scenes work.”
“That might be best for everyone,” Valerie agreed without hesitation.
Sounded like I’d just saved myself from being shunted out the door. I drew a breath of relief. “Right. I appreciate all that I’ve learned here.” And I’d miss my coworkers, sort of. They hadn’t been the worst. I didn’t really know many of them outside work…
Hell, who was I kidding? I’d just been coasting here, doing my time and gaining experience. As much as the position had outgrown me, I’d outgrown it in a different direction. And the culture had never quite been right for me.
“I’ll talk to the charity project today at my site meeting about who they want to take over my role,” I said, automatically working through my mental checklist. I’d miss walking away from the pro bono work. “Do you think Angus would be happy to take over?”
“He’s probably open to it,” Valerie said. “You can always ask.”
“Will do.” I stood up. “I’m not sure how long it’ll take me to find another position.”
“With our reference and your skills, I’m sure you won’t have trouble finding something you’re comfortable with,” Valerie told me, reaching out to shake hands.
I shook on it. “Thanks.”
As I headed out of her office for my desk, I added look for a new job to my mental checklist. At least I’d saved myself from a dubiously legal firing experience. Leaving on my own terms left everyone happier and saved face all around.
Just another happy Monday in the office.
Thankfully, I had a break mid-afternoon for the site meeting, and that passed in a flash. Toward the end, I brought up the uncomfortable conversation—asking if they’d be okay working with Angus to complete their vision.
“Oh, that’s a shame for us—but are you leaving for greener pastures?”
I hadn’t expected the reaction. “Uh… I hope so, yes.”
“Then congratulations are in order.” The guy shook my hand and grinned, and God, for a moment I envied Neil. He had a hell of a task in leading an organization trying to cut down on LGBT suicides nationwide. It had been my pleasure to take away as many headaches as possible with this process, at least.
But he was making a difference in a very concrete way. He could point at call logs. All I had to point to was vague statistics about my preferred architectural techniques and the psychological theories behind them.
“One thing,” I said, suddenly unable to help myself. “Look up kintsugi floor tiles. I was planning on using them, and I think Angus would appreciate that style.”
“What are they?”
I smiled to myself, thinking of those tea cups. “Tiles that have been cracked and are repaired, and they’re all the more perfect for it. Say, do you still have that job open?”
Neil blinked at me a few times. “Well, if you happen to have a counseling background as well as that architectural degree…”
I laughed abruptly. “No, not for me. Not even for someone who fits it yet. But I think it could be a dream job for someone.” When he raised an eyebrow, I added, “My boyfriend is looking for… a new direction in life.”
“Oh!” Neil lit up and beamed at me. “I had no idea—you never mentioned…”
“That I’m gay?” I quirked a smile. “Yeah. It never seemed relevant.” Even as I said it, I chuckled. I’d ha
d several conversations about mental health and sexuality with him, and the ideal ways to support his staff’s mental health in this design. Still, I’d always felt like it was too much to mention what or who I was.
No more of that. I was going to make damn sure that I was present in every way from now on.
“Here you go,” Neil said, rummaging in a drawer of the desk to pull out the job ad. I snapped a quick photo to text Kev, though I didn’t have time to add a caption without being rude to Neil.
“Great. Thanks,” I told him and shook hands. “It’s been great working with you. I might just look at volunteering here if I find myself with more spare time in my next role.”
“For our sake, I hope so. We’d be delighted to have you,” Neil told me and smiled. “And your boyfriend, in whatever capacity.”
I finally let myself relax and enjoy the small talk just a little. It was the closest to a connection I was likely to find in this city, in this job. Just a little slice of community I’d found, but it was enough to make me feel that much less alone. Hugh’s mom had been totally right. I did need more.
I had Ben and Darren to talk to, though. And I hadn’t updated either of them on the status of this relationship in a while. Maybe I should do that. It felt like I was relearning how to be a good friend, but I sent a quick text in the Uber on the way back to work.
Tonight, I’d try to be a decent friend. I could relearn this if I just put my mind to it.
Maybe after that, I could be ready to be a decent boyfriend, too.
28
Kev
Okay, that was it. I was sick of reading between the lines. All I’d gotten from Charlie since he’d gotten off work was a cryptic message about his meeting turning out the best for everyone. Then, he’d texted an xox like he thought that was all I needed to know.
I was sick of playing therapist to everyone around me, interpreting their moods and trying to help them before they even noticed they needed it. And now Charlie was sending me therapy links? Like I was the one who had the issues here?
If Charlie expected me to be his hunk, his sweetheart, and his emotional interpreter, he was wrong about that. From leaving abruptly on Saturday to his short texts, something was clearly wrong. If that was work, that was fair—but he couldn’t just leave me hanging on here, guessing at what was wrong.
Finally, I gave in and called him, retreating to my room for some vague air of privacy.
“Hey,” Charlie answered after a minute. “Kev? What’s up?”
“Can we meet up?” I asked. “I’d like to talk.” I wasn’t going to hash all this out on the phone. Especially not the, So, you think I’m crazy? bit. I’d only barely glanced at the photo, but a LGBT mental health counseling hotline sounded a lot like you’re crazy, and I’d heard that enough for one lifetime.
Charlie hummed. “I’m going out this evening with a couple friends, and then seeing my—well, my… Hugh’s parents.”
Oh, boy. There was a reminder I didn’t need that he probably didn’t want me around when talking to his last, late boyfriend’s parents. “Right. I can drop by for a couple minutes,” I offered. “I just need to talk about things as soon as possible.”
“Is it a today thing?”
“Yeah,” I said, biting my lip. Was he trying to stall me?
“I don’t believe in going to bed with a grudge,” Charlie said. “Come on over. Want me to call you an Uber?”
“I’ve got it,” I promised. I’d figure out the money for it later. Right now, I just wanted to see Charlie. While our relationship was so new and fragile, letting resentments go until we were “less busy” was a bad idea.
“Okay, babe. See you in a few.”
“Bye,” I wished him, already grabbing a sweater and my keys. By the time the Uber arrived, I’d been shifting impatiently from foot to foot on the sidewalk for several minutes.
I couldn’t get to his house quick enough. Now that I’d apparently decided I needed to be around him more often, even an entire day without him had been painful. All the more so when he wasn’t giving me anything solid about how he was doing. After that kind of day, who knew what to expect?
Charlie greeted me at the door with a hug and a kiss, which was a relief. I smiled up at him as I stepped inside.
“How was your Monday?”
“Oh,” Charlie shrugged and gave me a roll of his eyes. “You know. Monday.”
I sighed and grabbed him by the hand to tow him to the couch. “Okay, boyfriend rules. Number one: none of this vague I could be better shit. I’m not going to play emotional oracle to guess what happened.”
Charlie blinked a few times and let me push him down to sit on the couch. “Oh.”
“I’m sick of trying to interpret what everyone’s thinking all the time,” I told him.
When I crashed next to him, he wrapped an arm around me and pulled me in. “Yeah? I didn’t mean to do that. I just didn’t want to worry you.”
I kissed his cheek and shook my head. Men. “I’ve been imagining you getting fired, or getting blacklisted from any new projects, or something… for my sake.”
“No,” Charlie said quickly, but he didn’t quite meet my gaze. When I nudged him, he sighed. “Okay, so… I’m moving to another company.”
Fuck. I sat up straight. “You did get fired?”
“Not quite.” Charlie took my hand. “I didn’t want you thinking it was your fault or anything. It’s the best move for me, and I would have done it regardless.” Then he smiled to himself. “Sort of.”
“More,” I told him, poking him in the ribs until he laughed.
“Sorry. I’m used to thinking through everything myself,” he told me, his lips quirking into a little smile. “Not used to having someone around who wants to help.”
I rubbed his back gently. “I know. But if all I get is silence from you, or if you shut down on me… I just start guessing, and that doesn’t end well.”
Charlie nodded. “Noted. I’m sorry I rushed off the other day.” He rested his head on my shoulder, and I held him close. It was an admission of vulnerability, especially with the way his voice had just softened. He seemed like he’d given in and he was talking now. “What did he mean about watermelon texts?”
I half-smiled. “When I worked, I’d send safety check-ins to him. Addresses, photos, that kind of thing. I didn’t realize he thought I was working…”
“Oh. That’s… smart of you.”
“I get by,” I shrugged. “But what else is going on?” I felt like I didn’t know what was going on between you wasn’t enough reason to rush off like that. “Something else was, wasn’t it?”
Charlie nodded. “I was stressed about the meeting today. I don’t like the idea of giving up what I’ve worked so hard for. But you’ve reminded me that I do have principles, and if I break them for money… well… what does that make me?”
I kissed the top of his head. “Plenty of good people do things they don’t love just to get by.” I sure as hell wouldn’t judge him for that.
“Yeah,” Charlie murmured, “but I can also walk away. When you have another option, or you can make your own… go for it. You taught me that.”
I blinked as he turned to look at me. I hadn’t expected him to look so sincere, and even… grateful. “Me?” I almost squeaked. I’d somehow expected that he was more… well, more put-together than me. He’d had another nine years to practice, after all.
“Yeah, you.” Charlie looked fond. “I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t met you.”
I bit my lip. “So, when you sent the counseling thing… you’re saying I’ve got issues?”
It took Charlie a few seconds before he gasped. “What? No. It’s a job.”
“But I can’t do that, so—” I suddenly broke off. “Oh, shit.” Here I was, spending the afternoon thinking he was telling me I needed to stop being so… whatever he thought. And I’d just fallen right into the trap of putting words in his mouth. “Shit. I didn’t even look at the
photo for more than, like, two seconds.” I was blushing so much I could barely look at him.
Charlie just rubbed my shoulder gently. “It’s just a suggestion, anyway. There’s a lot of stuff you could be good at.”
But he had my attention, now that I’d stopped leaping to conclusions like a dumbass. “No, I… I’m good at listening. Normally. Not with my boyfriend, apparently, because I’m a dumbass…”
I was too damn used to having to read the mood of the room around me to stay alive. I could afford to take a step back and ask now.
Charlie laughed and kissed my cheek. “Now that I don’t believe. You’re smart. Everyone has those moments. And I’ve been stressing you out today. I really should have said something when I sent it to you.”
I breathed out a little sigh and shook my head. Thank God I’d insisted on coming over. At least I knew that much about how to have a relationship. “Thank you for agreeing to talk to me, like, right away.”
“I think that’s a smart move,” Charlie murmured and rubbed my back. “Glass of water? Anything stronger?”
“Yes, please. Just water.”
Charlie grabbed two glasses and brought them back. By that time, I’d at least pushed my embarrassment to the side so I could talk with him properly. “Thanks,” I told him and sipped. “So, if you give me a little more to interpret, I’ll try not to interpret for you,” I said. “Deal?”
“Deal,” Charlie said with a smile. “Did you want to meet my friends and my second parents?”
I stared at him. “You… you want me to?”
“If we’re doing this,” Charlie told me, “we’re doing it right.” He touched my knee. “Unless you’re not ready. But I don’t want you to think I’m hiding you.”
I let out a breath of relief as stress I hadn’t even been aware of melted away. Yeah, I was used to being hidden. But this was different. “Thanks. I’d love to.” As long as they didn’t judge me for not having an answer when the inevitable, So what do you do? question came up.